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Jillian: A Wife & Mother

TheTabooWriter
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Synopsis

Chapter 1 - Jillian, Chapter 1: A Wife & Mother

The sun hung low on the horizon, casting a golden, honeyed light over the coastal town where the Beckett family had decided to spend three weeks in search of some fragile reconciliation. The air was thick with the scent of salt and wet sand, while the cries of seagulls echoed distantly. Jillian sat in the passenger seat of their silver Lexus, staring blankly out at the winding road, watching the waves roll endlessly towards the shore as if the sea, with its rhythmic persistence, held some secret to cleansing old wounds. Beside her, Michael, wearing a tacky holiday shirt, gripped the steering wheel a little too tightly, his knuckles white, his gaze fixed on the road ahead but his mind elsewhere, feigning a smile as he drifted into the murky waters of regret, guilt, and quiet dread.

In the backseat, Jonathan wore the resigned expression of an eighteen-year-old who had already decided this vacation was doomed to fail. His cell phone was in hand, an escape into a world where his parents' strained silences couldn't reach him. He had grown used to the tension in the house over the past year— the long, awkward pauses between his parents, the way his mother's laughter had faded into something brittle, the way his father's easygoing charm had frayed at the edges. They hadn't said much to him, of course, not explicitly. But Jonathan had felt it, like a weight in the air. He had known that something was wrong long before anyone had bothered to explain.

At first, he resisted the idea of the trip, rolling his eyes at the very suggestion. He saw himself as too old to be vacationing with his parents, picturing the inevitable awkwardness of it all. His arguments were predictable—his summer was too short, his friends had already made plans, and he'd rather be anywhere else than trapped with them. Michael, however, was persistent, framing the trip not as a chore but as a chance to hold onto something fleeting. "It's our last summer together before college," he said, his voice tinged with an unusual softness. Jonathan finally obliged.

Jillian, 48 but carrying herself with the weight of years much older, had spent the last months carefully constructing a life of her own, one that existed in parallel with her husband's but never quite intersected. She had rediscovered old friends from her days in marketing, former colleagues with whom she had once shared late-night brainstorming sessions and champagne toasts over successful campaigns.

She had rekindled those friendships, not because she wanted to, but because she needed something to hold onto in the wake of her discovery—a way to remind herself that she wasn't merely the wife who had sacrificed her own ambitions for the sake of her husband's. She had left marketing behind when Michael's career as a novelist began to take off, her talent and potential packed away with little regret at the time. She had loved him, believed in his success as much as her own, content to let her role shift into something quieter. But that belief had shattered the day she found out about the affair.

It had been three years since Michael's brief indiscretion with a Portuguese-language translator, a woman half his age with an innocent smile and sharp ambition. Three years since the affair had ended, unceremoniously, with Michael swearing it had been a mistake, a momentary lapse in judgment that meant nothing. And yet, it had taken those three years for Jillian to learn the truth, for the secret to slip through the cracks of their marriage like a poison seeping into their lives, unseen but potent. When she confronted him, her voice had been calm, her face a mask of control, but beneath that calm had simmered an anger so deep it had taken her by surprise. She had tried to keep it together, tried to forgive him, tried to maintain the semblance of normalcy. But the anger, the betrayal, was corrosive.

In the months that followed, she had plunged herself into a whirlwind of social activity, afternoon coffee dates and brunches with friends, evenings at the theatre, late nights in dimly lit bars, and dinners in restaurants that felt more like escape hatches than places of enjoyment. She had acted out of spite, of course—how could she not? Michael had betrayed her trust, and she wanted to punish him, not with words or fights, but with her absence, with her own defiant independence.

But as the weeks turned into months, Jillian had felt the unnaturalness of it all creeping in. She wasn't the type to thrive in such a world. She had always preferred quiet evenings, books over cocktails, intimacy over spectacle. This new version of herself felt hollow, like a poorly constructed façade that would crumble if anyone looked too closely. Even her old friends had begun to notice, their conversations peppered with gentle concern as if they were waiting for her to admit the truth—that she was lost.

Michael, for his part, had tried to reach out. He had taken issue with her late nights, her sudden detachment from the home they had built together. But what right did he have to complain? He had been the one who strayed, the one who had broken the fragile trust they had shared. And so, the resentment had grown, thick and unspoken between them. In the end, they had come to a flimsy conclusion, one born more out of exhaustion than true understanding: a family vacation might save them. Three weeks by the sea, just the three of them, might somehow mend what had been torn apart.

Jillian wasn't convinced. She had agreed to the trip out of obligation, more than hope. The notion that three weeks of sunshine and sand could heal the deep rift between them seemed absurd. But here they were, the three of them, bound for the coast in search of a reprieve that Jillian wasn't even sure she wanted. The sound of the ocean, the idea of escape, was more for Jonathan's sake than theirs. They had tried to shield him from the worst of it, tried to keep their arguments quiet, their silences subtle. But no amount of quiet could hide the truth forever. Jonathan knew. He had always known.

As they neared the small coastal town, the sky began to deepen into shades of lavender and gold, the first sign of dusk creeping over the horizon. Michael stole a glance at Jillian, her profile illuminated by the fading light, and for a brief moment, he remembered the woman she had once been—the woman who had believed in him, who had laughed easily, who had never doubted their future. But that woman was gone now, replaced by someone harder, more distant, someone he could no longer reach.

Jillian felt his eyes on her but didn't turn. She had long stopped trying to decipher his gaze. There was a time when she could have read his thoughts just by looking at him, a time when his smallest gestures had meant everything. Now, there was only silence between them, a silence so vast and deep it seemed to swallow them whole. The road stretched on, winding towards the inevitable, while the ocean whispered its timeless song, indifferent to the troubles of those who sought refuge on its shores.

Jillian had always been a study in quiet elegance, a woman whose beauty was not the loud, garish sort that turned heads in an instant, but rather the kind that lingered in the memory long after she had passed. At 5'6, she moved with the grace of someone whose body had long been accustomed to the discipline of classical ballet. Her slender frame, with its narrow waist, long legs, and small, firm breasts, was an echo of her youth spent in leotards and studios, where she had poured her energy into perfecting each movement, striving for that impossible combination of strength and fragility. Her dark green eyes and wavy dark brown hair going on black, set against a clean complexion, often seemed to hold a depth of thought that spoke more than she ever did aloud. It was as though those eyes had always been seeing the world through a veil of introspection, taking in beauty but also interrogating it, examining its meaning. Her lips, full and often pursed in thought, were more often than not touched with a quiet smile that seemed to hover on the edge of restraint.

She had been drawn to the arts from a young age, an artist's soul confined within the boundaries of a world that never seemed to fully understand her. Jillian had once painted, filling canvases with vibrant bursts of color and form, and had dreamed of studying comparative literature, losing herself for hours in the labyrinths of Dostoevsky, Woolf, and Calvino. Yet, her father, a stern man with little patience for the impracticalities of art, had forbidden it, dismissing her ambitions as childish whims that would lead her down a path of professional dead ends. "There's no career in verse and paint," he had said. He spoke with the certainty of a man who believed in the solidity of law, in the prestige of a well-defined career path.

And so, Jillian, though her heart ached to swim deeper into the currents of art and literature, had chosen instead to study business, and then marketing. Marketing, she told herself, was a compromise—a field where visuals, creativity, and persuasion intersected with the practical demands of corporate life. She imagined herself working with designers and directors, crafting campaigns that would appeal to both her artistic instincts and her need for structure. It was, in her eyes, the closest she could come to art without risking her father's disapproval.

Despite her deeply intellectual nature and her preference for quiet pursuits, Jillian had always attracted attention from men. She had dated often, though mostly cautiously, maintaining a conservative distance when it came to intimacy. Her allure was subtle but undeniable—there was something in the way she carried herself, the blend of intellect and beauty, that made her seem both accessible and distant.

Even as a student, she preferred quiet jazz bars to the loud, chaotic nightclubs where her peers lost themselves in liquor and bass-heavy music. In those dimly lit venues, where the smoke from clove cigarettes curled lazily through the air and the low hum of conversation created a cocoon of quietude, Jillian could lose herself in discussions about books, art, philosophy, and politics. She was an old soul, and her interests reflected that—while others danced and laughed in neon-lit clubs, Jillian sought out the company of artists and intellectuals who fascinated her with their depth.

She dated theatre directors, classical musicians, and writers, oftentimes older men whose lives seemed to be drenched in the richness of culture. And yet, she could never fully embrace their lives. Their whims and spontaneity, their almost reckless disregard for the order of things, unsettled her.

She needed structure, goals, the satisfaction of watching a carefully laid plan come to fruition. Jillian's nature was ascetic rather than hedonistic—she could appreciate beauty and indulgence, but more often than not from a distance, with a mind that dissected even as it admired. It was this combination of creativity and discipline that had defined her—until Michael.

She met him in the lobby of a small, independent theatre the same week that she received her master's degree. She had already lined up a few job interviews, each one a potential entry point into the world of marketing, where she hoped to carve out a career that would bridge her love of art with business. The theatre had been showing an experimental play based on Brecht's work, and Jillian had attended it on the recommendation of a male friend she had met at a cultural event organized by the Japanese consulate, eager to escape the looming weight of her future for just a few hours.

Michael, two years her senior, was there, too, introduced to her by that same friend—a man entirely different from the artistically inclined, often privileged men she had dated in the past. Michael Beckett was unpolished, a man who bore the marks of his working-class background with a quiet pride. Where Jillian came from a renowned family of attorneys, Michael had grown up with a single mother who had scraped together a modest living. He had worked his way through school, taking on odd jobs wherever he could find them, determined to make something of himself. He had landed a position at a large publishing house after graduating from college, not because he loved the work, but because it paid the bills.

In his heart, Michael wanted to be a novelist, wanted to write stories that could make sense of the world as he saw it—gritty, complex, and often heartbreaking. There was something about him that caught Jillian's attention, something that unsettled her in the same way the men from her past had, but with a different intensity. Michael's ambition was raw, untempered by the frivolities of the art world.

He had drive, and even though his world lacked the refinement Jillian was accustomed to, there was a passion in him that drew her in. They had spoken for hours that night, the experimental play already forgotten as they lingered in the lobby, discussing everything from literature to politics to the difficulties of navigating a world that seemed intent on making their dreams harder to reach.

Jillian, in Michael, found someone who shared her love of intellectual pursuits but who also understood the value of structure, of perseverance. He had never been handed anything, and that fact resonated with her. Here was a man who believed in setting goals and achieving them, who knew the grind of hard work but who still held on to his ideals. In him, Jillian saw the possibility of something different, something more solid than the whimsical salon intellectuals she had once been drawn to.

And so, when Michael pursued her, she found herself saying yes. Their relationship had started with the promise of something greater. But as the years passed and Michael's career took off, it was Jillian's dreams that quietly folded away, each one placed in a box marked "someday." She had given up her ambitions, slowly, steadily, in the name of love and partnership, all the while telling herself that it was worth it. But when Michael's betrayal came to light, that carefully built structure began to crack, and Jillian found herself enraged and spiteful.

For the first five years of their relationship, Jillian had built an enviable career in marketing. Her intelligence, discipline, and knack for creativity had earned her a higher salary than Michael's, a fact that never bothered her. She loved him and believed in his potential, confident that his writing would one day find the recognition it deserved. Michael, however, quietly harbored insecurities about the imbalance. It gnawed at him, though Jillian never made him feel less.

He was working at a publishing house, seeing other authors come and go, watching their success while his own manuscripts gathered dust in the slush pile. He had initially styled himself as the next Bukowski, writing gritty, raw prose about the underbelly of life—topics he felt strongly about. But after constant rejection, including from his own employer, Michael grew disillusioned. Sometime close to the fourth anniversary of their meeting, Michael, frustrated and worn down by rejection, began working on a novel that was entirely outside his usual style—a young adult fantasy novel filled with action and adventure. It was a departure from everything he had previously written, a commercial endeavor born from desperation. He had felt hollow as he wrote it, a kind of surrender to the corporate machine he had always resented.

And yet, the manuscript sold, and not just sold—it became a runaway success. The novel turned into a bestseller, leading to sequels, spin-offs, and merchandise deals. Suddenly, Michael was well-known. He was booking tours, making occasional television appearances, and earning money beyond what he had ever imagined. The transformation was swift and overwhelming. Only after this success did he propose to Jillian. It was as though he finally felt worthy of her, as though the imbalance of their earlier years had finally been corrected. The fact that she had earned more than him during their relationship had, unbeknownst to Jillian, weighed heavily on him.

Now, with his newfound wealth and relative fame, he felt he had "become a man" in his own eyes, confident enough to ask her to be his wife. Jillian accepted without hesitation, having always believed in him, but Michael's insecurity left a scar that neither fully acknowledged. Their wedding was a grand affair, but the man Jillian had fallen in love with—the struggling artist, the idealist—had already begun to disappear.

After their wedding, Jillian's life shifted dramatically. She had given up her career, initially to support Michael's, and then to raise their son Jonathan. As a mother, Jillian flourished in ways she had never anticipated. She poured her creative energy into Jonathan's upbringing, crafting an imaginative, nurturing world for him. They spent hours reading together, creating art, watching nature documentaries—Jillian always encouraged his curiosity, his sense of wonder. She had taught him to read and write at the age of five, instilling in him a love for books and knowledge. In those early years of Jonathan's life, Jillian was content, believing that this phase of her life—motherhood, domesticity—was a worthy chapter.

But as time wore on, the shimmering surface of their lives began to dull. Michael, consumed by his career, was rarely home. He spent long hours at his office desk or traveling for book tours, constantly under pressure to follow up each bestseller with another. The whirlwind of success pulled them into a world of corporate events, cocktail parties, book promotions, and shallow conversations with critics and pseudo-celebrities. Their home, which had once been a sanctuary of intellectual debate, progressive politics, and art, became a stage for appearances, a place where Jillian felt increasingly like a spectator in her own life.

She missed the person she had been before—the ambitious woman who thrived in the corporate world, who loved the challenges and creativity her marketing career had offered. Though they were financially secure, Jillian was not happy. Her world had narrowed. The social circles Michael's success had thrust her into felt empty to her, filled with conversations that never touched on anything meaningful. She found herself surrounded by people who cared more about the New York Times bestseller list than the richness of art or the complexities of the human condition. The once lively debates about literature and progressive political issues that had defined her relationship with Michael were replaced by shallow discussions about sales numbers, reviews, and market trends.

She began to feel resentful, though she rarely expressed it. The sacrifices she had made for their family, the life she had built around supporting Michael, now felt like a prison of her own making. Jillian regretted quitting her job. She missed being part of the world outside, missed contributing to society in a way that went beyond chauffeuring Jonathan to school and managing Michael's chaotic schedule. Worse still, she felt herself growing dumber, intellectually stifled by the vapid conversations and soulless interactions that filled her days. It was as though she had stepped away from her true self, the woman who once thrived on artistic and intellectual pursuits, and become a shadow in a world built on emptiness and superficial success.

Jillian's once vibrant identity, full of passion and curiosity, was slowly being suffocated by the very success she had helped Michael achieve. She began to wonder if, in giving up her career and subsuming herself to his ambitions, she had lost something fundamental—something she might never get back.

Yet, stoic as Jillian was, she didn't complain. She had learned early on in life to mask her vulnerabilities, to carry herself with the kind of grace that never cracked under pressure. Her childhood in a family of corporate lawyers had drilled a certain expectation of decorum into her—a steeliness that she wore like armor. But even that armor had its weak points, and it was one day when Jonathan, their son, came home from school at the age of eleven, that she felt a fissure form.

He had burst through the front door, his voice chirping with the excitement of his day, and in his innocent, offhanded way, shared that his class had been asked what their parents did for a living. "I told them Dad's a writer," Jonathan had said proudly, "and you're a housewife, Mom." The words hit Jillian like a silent blow, the weight of them sinking deep into her chest. She had smiled at him then, a practiced smile, and made light of it. But when night fell, and the house was bathed in the quiet darkness that only comes when everyone else is asleep, Jillian found herself slipping out of bed. She walked softly down the stairs, her bare feet cool against the floor, and curled up on the sofa in the living room. There, with only the muted glow of streetlights filtering through the windows, she finally let the tears come, hot and silent.

Was this what she had become? A "mere" housewife? After everything—the emancipation of women, the hard-fought battles for independence and equality—was this the sum of her existence? Raised in a family of accomplished attorneys, armed with a bachelor's degree in business and a master's in marketing, she had once envisioned herself as part of the world she'd so carefully studied and prepared for. And now, she was reduced to a title that felt like a betrayal of all that ambition and intellect. The word "housewife" clung to her like a bitter aftertaste.

But true to her nature, Jillian did not let it stifle her. Instead, she threw herself even more into Jonathan's life. Her son became her project, the embodiment of all her energies, hopes, and dreams. She nurtured his intellect, his creativity, and his passions with fierce dedication. She found herself coordinating every detail of his life—his piano lessons, soccer practices, ice hockey games, sleepovers, social studies projects. Every moment was meticulously crafted, every activity infused with her guiding hand. Jillian had created a rich, stimulating world for him, hoping to cultivate the kind of curiosity and drive that she had once fostered in herself.

But children grow, and Jonathan was no exception. By the time he turned fourteen, Jillian noticed the swift shift in his interests. Her once-attentive son, eager to discuss books or nature, became more absorbed in his social life. Weekend parties with friends from the private school he attended became the norm, and Jillian, watching from the sidelines, felt the quiet pangs of loss. She knew it was a natural part of growing up, but as Jonathan began to come home late, sometimes tipsy or even drunk, her heart clenched with worry—and a bit of bewilderment. She never talked to Jonathan about his social life, she left it a stone unturned.

Michael, in contrast, was enraged. His upbringing had been rougher, more grounded in the realities of a working-class neighborhood, and he knew firsthand the dangers of letting a teenage boy run wild. He had grown up on the streets, dodging trouble, and was determined that Jonathan wouldn't fall into the same traps. Structure, hard work, discipline—these were the pillars of Michael's philosophy, and he believed Jonathan was squandering his potential.

Jillian, though, took a different view. Raised in a gilded cage of privilege, with an overbearing father and a cynical mother who set impossibly high standards, she knew the suffocation that came with too many rules. She argued that Jonathan needed room to explore, to enjoy his youth, to be in sync with his generation. He had a right to a carefree adolescence, to experience the same rites of passage as his peers. It was the tension between her sheltered, upper-class upbringing and Michael's scrappy, streetwise childhood that shaped their arguments, neither fully able to understand the other's perspective.

As Jonathan's social life continued to blossom, filling with laughter, friends, and nights that spilled effortlessly into dawn, Jillian felt an unfamiliar emptiness beginning to take root. Her son was no longer the little boy who looked to her for guidance or needed her creativity to shape his world. He was growing up, carving his own path, and with each passing day, she felt herself becoming less central in the orbit of his life.

As the years went by, the void left by Jonathan's independence gnawed at her, a quiet ache that deepened each time she watched him rush out the door with barely a glance back. For the first time in years, she realized she had no project to absorb her mind, no greater purpose to structure her days. She had given so much of herself to her family, devoted herself to Michael's career, and poured her energy into Jonathan's upbringing. Somewhere along the way, she had left her own passions to wither in the background, neglected and forgotten.

She remembered her art—the canvases that once pulsed with her vivid strokes, her dreams of exploring literature. She remembered the thrill of her marketing career, the way her ideas could shape perception, influence decisions, and bring a rush of satisfaction as she saw her work come to life. But now, each day seemed a little grayer, dulled by a routine that was once comforting but had grown confining. The house felt emptier, filled only with the echoes of moments that felt like they belonged to another life.

Jillian began searching, quietly but urgently, for something to fill the hollow spaces within her—something that belonged solely to her. She found herself leafing through old notebooks, lingering over pages filled with sketches, ideas, and fragments of poems she had once scribbled in her twenties. There was a wistfulness in the air as she revisited pieces of her past, each one whispering of a different Jillian, one who dared to dream and to create.

Her life was rich in love and memories, yet she sensed that something essential had been lost along the way like notes scribbled in the margins of a book and then forgotten. She wondered if it was too late to reclaim those parts of herself—to find her way back to the colors, the ideas, the spark that had once defined her before marriage, motherhood, and years of carefully built routines had drawn her focus outward. Yet these moments of self-exploration always took a back seat to the daily rhythm of mundane tasks and routines. Her reflections were fleeting, quickly overshadowed by the constant demands of family life and the quiet, habitual comfort of familiarity.

It was around this time, in the quiet, unoccupied hours of her life, that Jillian stumbled upon Michael's affair. She hadn't been looking for it, hadn't suspected a thing. But one evening, while tidying up his home office, she opened his computer, intending to organize some files. Instead, she found old emails—emails that revealed a short-lived but all too real affair with a translator employed by his publishing firm three years earlier. The shock hit her like a wave, leaving her breathless as if the air had been sucked from the room. Though the affair had ended long ago, its discovery felt fresh and raw, a wound she hadn't anticipated.

Yet it wasn't just betrayal she felt, not even jealousy. It wasn't as if she had uncovered a mistress woven into their present lives. The affair was an event buried in time, yet she couldn't take it. Her ego couldn't take it. It wasn't even the fact of his intimacy with someone else that unhinged her; it was the stark reminder of her own confinement. While she had devoted herself to their home, to his career, and to their son, Michael had indulged in something wild, something that broke the bounds of their shared life. The discovery felt like a cruel twist, a reminder of all she'd sacrificed, only to find that while she'd been tethered to the household, he'd slipped beyond it.

It was at that moment, in the aftermath of discovering the affair, that Jillian first realized the depth of her resentment toward Michael. Until then, she hadn't dared to acknowledge just how much of herself she had buried to fit into the life they had built together. The years of quiet sacrifice, of shelving her ambitions, of becoming an extension of his career and their family, now felt like bitter compromises, and each one surfaced with a sting. For weeks after the discovery, she was consumed by thoughts of vengeance, and fantasies of regaining the power she felt had been stolen from her. She imagined herself unshackling from the roles she had played for him, of taking something back, though she barely knew what it might be. But each time those fantasies edged toward actual plans, toward actions she might take to upset him, she found herself pulling back, drifting into a familiar shadow of self-pity. She couldn't quite cross the line between imagining and doing and instead sank deeper into the helpless ache of knowing just how much she had lost, and just how complicit she had been in her own erasure.

Finally, Jillian arrived at a sort of Solomonic decision, one that felt modest yet defiant enough to reclaim some sense of herself. She would start by reaching out to old friends—those she had let slip away in the tides of family life and compromise. If nothing else, she would leave the house, step beyond the routines and the walls that had become her world. She wasn't quite ready for grand gestures or sweeping transformations, but she knew that reconnecting with friends was a small, necessary, and symbolic. act of rebellion.