The ringing of the phone broke the silence, making me jump out of bed. I reached for the device, my heart pounding again. I knew it was her, but I didn't know what to expect. When I picked it up, her voice was unexpectedly calm.
"Come," she said, without any intonation, but something in her voice made me press my face into the phone.
I froze, unsure of what to do, but intuitively I knew I had no choice. All I could do was walk, and I quickly descended the stairs, each step feeling like a heavy stone in my chest. My head was dark and empty. I didn't know what would happen next. I didn't know what she wanted from me. But despite this, I walked up to her door and entered the room.
She stood by the window, silent, as if waiting for something important to happen. My heart sank as I hugged her. She was cold as ice, her body seemed alien, like something that had nothing to do with me. I felt her slipping away, dissolving in my arms. But the moment I pulled her to me, I felt something else entirely - a spot of warmth, alive and bright - her lips.
I couldn't stop. My hands tightened and I kissed her again and again, as if trying to give her back something I had lost. But her body didn't respond, she remained motionless, like a statue, as if all her senses were consumed by some obscurantism. And yet I continued kissing her, automatically, until I lost track of time.
Everything around us was gone. There was only her, only this moment, this heat that I was trying to tear out of her. I didn't know how she felt. I didn't know if she was there, or if this was all just a fantasy. But I kept going, without even understanding why. It was complete madness, and maybe I was too far removed from reality to understand what I was doing.
I had absolutely nothing to say. I stood there, trying to find words, but everything that came out sounded like empty phrases. And suddenly, as if it had dawned on me, I realized that I had to ask her, so that she would understand me, so that she would understand that I intended to take her.
"Do you know who I am?" I asked, almost not expecting an answer.
She looked at me with interest, but without surprise.
"I know," she answered calmly, as if she had already expected this question.
"Really?" I raised my eyebrows slightly, trying to understand what she was hiding. "From the Travel Bureau?" I suggested, but my voice was no longer serious.
"No," she answered, without changing her expression, "not from there."
I felt her words leaving me on the edge of disappointment, but I continued because I knew I had to.
"It doesn't matter," I said, knowing it sounded strange. "I'm wild, terribly wild. Do you understand me?"
She frowned, raising her eyebrows slightly, as if she wasn't sure of my words.
"Really?" she asked, smiling a little.
"Terribly wild," I repeated, feeling my entire inner world shrink from fear and excitement. "What's your name?"
She looked at me shyly, but answered without looking me in the eyes.
"Asia," she said. "Asia Donowho."
I felt something inside me collapse. But I couldn't stop, because at that moment it dawned on me that I had to ask her for a reason.
"No, that's not what I mean. I mean your maiden name."
She froze, her gaze becoming suspicious.
"Vieira..." she said quietly, as if she herself was surprised that I was asking her this question.
I didn't catch her words right away, but when she said the name Vieira, everything became clear. And at that moment I understood: I didn't want her to remain "Donowho" anymore. I wanted her to be mine, to become my wife! And with that thought in mind, I said, without thinking about the consequences:
"I'll take you away from here!"
She looked at me, stunned.
"What?" Her voice was muffled, as if she couldn't believe her ears.
"I'll take it," I repeated, not giving her a chance to object. "And what, you don't want it?"
She shook her head, but I saw her eyes begin to soften.
"No," she answered, but her words didn't sound as firm as I expected.
"It's okay, I'll take you anyway," I said, leaving no doubt. "Do you know why?"
She fell silent, but I continued.
"I think I know," she said with a slight sigh, but there was no confidence in her voice.
"No," I objected, "you don't know, because I myself can't explain why it happened, but it happened when I saw you. Yesterday. At dinner. Do you understand?"
She nodded, but there was something about her look that I didn't like. I could feel her mind trying to escape this conversation, but she was already in my arms.
"Wait," I said, taking a step closer, "maybe you think I'm joking?"
"No," she answered, and in her voice I already heard not only surprise, but also some confusion.
"How can you know?" I continued, "although, anyway. Will you try to escape?"
She was silent, her eyes were hidden from my gaze, but I was sure that she would not leave.
"Don't do this," I said quietly, standing in front of her. "It won't help. Understand, I still won't leave you alone, even if I wanted to. Do you believe me?"
She was silent, and in that silence I heard an answer that seemed to release me, forcing me to leave her room. Without looking back, I headed towards my room. The stairs were as familiar as ever, the walls cream and green, unchanged. Everything around was in its place, but the world seemed to have changed. The door of my room stood before me as always, but now I did not see in it the usual, familiar object.
I opened the window and the air rushed into the room. What air it was! Fresh, but at the same time unusual, rich, as if each breath brought something new, something important. I stood by the window, enjoying this moment. And with each second my body was filled with calm. From the moment I left her room, I suddenly realized: I was calm. There was no anxiety, no excitement. I even smiled. But it was not the smile that is reflected in the mirror. It was a smile inside, almost mocking, condescending.
I realized that all my struggle, all these feelings that tormented me, were empty. It was so simple, and I tried to complicate it. I laughed, but not out loud. The smile was in me, in how I realized my stupidity. All this time I was looking for an answer, but it was always so close.
I felt the tension growing inside me, and suddenly I needed something concrete, something sharp, something that could give me back a sense of control. I started looking for a knife. It seemed strange, but at that moment I couldn't stop.
Finally, I found it. The dull metal gleamed in the light, and I just stood there, looking at the knife in my hands. It was heavy, with a curved blade, slightly worn, as if it hadn't been used for a long time. I turned it over in my hands, and its cool surface slid pleasantly across my fingers. Everything around me seemed so far away, and this knife was so close, real, tangible.
I looked at it, trying to figure out why I needed it. Why did I need this cold metal right now? But I wasn't really looking for an answer. I was just caught up in this moment, this feeling of sharpness, of the edge between me and something else. It wasn't about the knife. It was about what I felt inside me.
The moment I held the knife in my hands, something inside me suddenly screamed, like an inner voice, long-awaited, but not the one I expected. It wasn't just a realization, it was like a cold awakening. I suddenly realized that none of this made sense. It wasn't manly. I felt a power growing inside me, not in what I was holding in my hands, but in the fact that I could let it go, leave it all behind.
As if abruptly waking from a nightmare, I threw the knife aside. It fell to the floor with a dull thud, and I stood there, gasping for breath, from this strange feeling of relief. Everything I had sought in him was empty, fleeting. I could be different, strong, but like this, with this knife in my hands, I knew it was only weakness.
And now, standing in front of him, I felt something in my chest straighten out, like a heaviness was leaving. I didn't know why I had to go through this. But now everything fell into place.
I froze when I heard a cough. It was quiet, but clear enough that I knew I wasn't alone. I turned around, and there she was. Asia. She stood in the doorway, her gaze intense, as if she'd already seen everything. Her eyes, without words, looked right into my soul.
She was silent, but I felt her presence filling the room. Time stood still. I didn't even know what to say. My hands were empty, the knife was already far away from me, but the feeling of awkwardness still didn't go away.
She didn't move, and I suddenly realized that it was all in vain. She was here, and I might have lost any chance of hiding my weakness.
"I didn't mean to..." I said, but the words stuck on my tongue.
She didn't answer, she just looked at me attentively. It all seemed so obvious, even if I didn't want to admit it.
I leaned over her, feeling her breath touching my face, light and warm. Her gaze was fixed on mine, and I saw something in it that I could not understand. Her eyelids did not tremble, her face was like stone - completely calm, devoid of any anxiety.
"Why did you let me kiss you?" I whispered, feeling each word come out with difficulty, as if it wasn't mine.
She sighed quietly and, without taking her eyes off him, replied:
"Don't know."
I slowly touched her cheek with my lips, then slid down to her neck, barely feeling her skin, and froze. My head fell on her shoulder, and at that moment something inexplicable came over me. I clenched my teeth, trying to suppress everything that was screaming inside me, everything that could ruin this moment. It was too strong. I never knew such feelings even existed. I wanted to scream, but I kept quiet. I wanted to cry, but I held back.
"Asia," I whispered, barely moving my lips, not making a sound. "Vieira... Save me."
She remained motionless, as if she had not heard me, or perhaps she simply did not want to answer. Everything was silent, only her heart, beating somewhere far away, filled the silence. Its beats seemed so muffled, as if they came from another world.
I stood up and sat next to her, realizing that I was no longer who I had been before. Then I put my arms around her, feeling the weight of her head, which had first rested on my shoulder and then moved to the crook of my elbow. We lay side by side, motionless, as if everything around us had disappeared. In that moment, everything became unimportant, insignificant. There was only silence, a silent darkness that seemed to swallow us both. There were no words, no sounds - only us, and this feeling as if time had stopped.
I didn't know what would happen next. Maybe nothing would happen. Maybe this was all just a moment. But in that silence, in that silent darkness, I felt something more than just a presence. It was like a connection, like an understanding without words, like something much deeper than I had ever felt before.
"Bless you, Asia Vieira," I whispered under my breath, barely moving so as not to disturb the silence that hung between us.
I inhaled her scent - light, fresh, barely noticeable, but so close that it seemed to fill all the space around. At that moment, the whole room, the whole world disappeared, dissolving in this calm moment.
I closed my eyes and felt the darkness envelop me, and with each touch my body relaxed, tension melted away, and thoughts disappeared. I fell asleep, lulled by the silence we both shared, sharing this moment that needed no words.
I opened my eyes, feeling strangely uneasy. I didn't know where I was, didn't know who I was. A moment of confusion overwhelmed me, and the next moment I noticed dark hair spilling over my shoulder. A strange feeling - as if the shoulder was not mine, it had become alien and imperceptible. It lasted only a moment, and then I remembered. Remembered everything.
The sun had not yet risen, and the world was bathed in the cold, milky light of dawn, as if the very air were saturated with purity. It was colorless, but so bright that the cold penetrated every cell of the body. I looked at her face, illuminated by this pre-dawn light, as if I were seeing it for the first time. A slight shadow from her hair fell on her cheek, and her eyes were closed. She was fast asleep, and her lips were pressed together, as if trying to hold on to some elusive dream.
She put her hand under her head, and I noticed how her eyebrows moved slightly from time to time, as if she were half asleep, wondering about something I couldn't understand. The movements were almost imperceptible, barely perceptible, but for me they were moments filled with meaning. I watched her face as if it were a map of my destiny, and in every gesture, even in the smallest wrinkle on her forehead, I sought answers. I couldn't tear my eyes away from her. We were connected by this dawn, this light, this moment that seemed timeless.
She was still asleep, and I took advantage of this. I quickly got dressed, even managed to shave in the bathroom, trying not to make any unnecessary noise.
When I got out of the bath and stuck my head into the room, I thought I heard her mutter something in her sleep. I tiptoed to the bed, careful not to wake her. But as soon as I got closer, she opened her eyes.
"I slept... here?" Her voice was quiet, a little sleepy.
"Yes, Asia..." I answered, feeling slightly embarrassed, and hastened to add: "Vieira..." trying to smooth over the awkwardness by calling the woman by her maiden name.
She was silent for a moment and looked at me with curiosity.
"It seemed to me that someone..." Her gaze darted around, trying to figure it out.
"Yes, Asia, it was me..." I said quietly, without taking my eyes off hers.
She looked at me, and I saw how the realization of everything that had happened gradually returned to her eyes. First her eyes opened wide - in surprise? - then she closed them, and then she opened them again, but furtively, quickly, so that I had time to notice. She quickly looked under the blanket, and, seeing me, turned her pink face towards me.
I coughed, trying to break the tense silence.
"You probably want to go to your room, huh? Maybe I should go out or..." I said, not knowing what to say.
She responded quickly, as if cutting off my words.
"No," she said. "I have a robe."
She sat up, wrapping the hem of her robe around herself, and for a moment the room became even quieter.
"Is this... for real yet?" Her voice was quiet, as if she was saying goodbye to something that would never return.
I remained silent, not knowing how to answer.
She stood up and walked around the room, as if searching for answers in these familiar, unfamiliar corners. She came back and looked up at me. There was something elusive in her gaze, not just doubt, uncertainty, but something more - something hidden, held deep inside. Fear, perhaps? Or perhaps even a kind of despair that I couldn't immediately understand, but felt with my whole being.
"Skovorodnikov..."
She said my last name, and it seemed to me that it sounded empty and unnatural from her lips, as if Asia herself was not sure that this word belonged to me.
Everything in her voice was alien, as if she was saying my last name for the first time and could not get used to the idea that it would now be associated with her.
"My name is Anton," I answered, trying to give my voice the calmness that I had long since lost.
"Anton, I... I really don't know... I would like... Ryan..."
"What?" I didn't understand her, frowning in confusion.
"Well... He..." She seemed unable or unwilling to say the word "my husband". "He'll be back the day after tomorrow."
"Yes?" I responded, feeling the heaviness in the air.
"What will happen?" Her voice sounded quiet, as if she already had a premonition of the inevitable.
I felt a stone squeeze my throat.
"Should I talk to him?" I asked, unable to hide my doubts.
"How come...?" She was clearly confused, not understanding what I meant.
I fell silent, and then, with amazement in my eyes, I looked at her.
"You... said yesterday..."
I fell silent, waiting for her answer.
"What... will you take me?" Her question was almost innocent, but there was some wild anxiety in it, even fear.
"Yes..." I said reservedly, although I didn't know that I said it at that very moment.
"And he?" She kept looking at me, trying to understand what all this meant.
I thought for a second, not understanding what I should answer her.
"So I shouldn't talk to him?" I asked, feeling despair creeping up on me again.
"What do you mean, "talk"? Do you want to do it yourself?" Her question was almost naive.
"Who then?" I asked with a grin that did not reflect my state.
She shook her head and said quietly:
"So this is... the end?"
Something was squeezing my throat. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't. My chest was empty, and I coughed, trying to swallow back the tears.
"But... there is no other way out." And, despite my words, I myself did not believe in them.
I looked at her, feeling something pressing unbearably inside me. It seemed like the whole room had grown quieter, as if even the air had frozen, waiting for an answer. I stood before her, feeling my own weakness, as if each word was given with effort.