AYITA
"Oh my God! I'm running late." I mutter under my breath as I look at the time and hurry into the bathroom. I don't know what I was doing but somehow I lost track of time for my therapy session. She's always scolding me whenever I come late. And that part of explaining and analyzing how I lost track of time is what I dread the most.
A quick short shower is all I need and I'm done. I quickly dress up in blue jean trousers and a white t-shirt then I pick up my purple hoodie and put it on. Once I'm done, I take my bag and my journal and head out of my room.
I meet my family—my father, his wife and their children—in the living room but the minute I walk in, they all go quiet. I don't know what they are celebrating but I don't bother asking because they won't even tell me.
As I'm about to walk past them my sister—step sister—calls out my name and I stop and turn around.
"Did you put together what I asked you to?"she asked. This is funny because I'm actually five years older than she is but I nod my head. This has been my life since my father remarried. Then, I walk out of the house.
I breathe out a sigh of relief when I'm outside. I wish I could disappear right now and this minute.
The walk to Ms. Lily's office takes me only a minute. She hugs me when I walk inside.
"I know I'm late and I might not even have an excuse but I'm sorry" I say before she can say anything.
She doesn't scold me or attempt to. She just looks at me and smiles "it's okay, darling. Have a seat"
"So, how are you feeling today?" She asks when we are both seated.
I shrug, "I don't know. I guess I'm tired?"
"That means you are not sure, Ayi. I want you to be able to know how you feel everyday, it helps you navigate your thoughts" she says.
Okay.
Ms Lily is not exactly my therapist. She's not even a therapist at all. She's a nurse. She used to teach me in school back in highschool. One time she accidentally caught me trying to jump down from a high building. She was so concerned and she insisted she'll see me through therapy herself after I let her know I didn't have any financial capacity whatsoever to pay for therapy. And…here we are.
"Well, how is the college application coming up?" She asks.
"Uhmm…" I shift my body in my seat as I brush my fingers down my brown wavy hair. "No feedback yet but I'm honestly hopeful"
A smile crosses her face "I like that. Hopeful is good. So, is there anything you want to talk about today?"
I breathe in and out. I twist my index fingers against each other. I want to talk about a lot of things but I also don't know how and where to start.
"Don't worry, you can start anywhere" Ms. Lily says. She knows how to read me. It's like a super power that she has.
I look at her. I wipe my face and fold my lips in. "My family was celebrating something today as I was leaving. I didn't hear anything. I don't know what they were celebrating."
"Okay, so how do you feel about that? Are you happy?"
I think about it for a second "I don't know if I'm happy but I've grown into their attitude and I can say that I don't care about what they are celebrating" I say.
"Do you feel like you want to know what the news is?" she asks.
I nod my head "yes. I wish I could know what it is. I don't have any reason but I wish I can just finally find that circle where I can share in their joy. It's just, I know that kind of life is not for me. I'm convinced that I'm meant to be on my own. Alone"
"You don't have to feel like that. You are not on your own. I'm with you. I'm sure if spirits exist, your mom is with you too. Every step of the way."
I smile a crooked, ruffled smile and I look at her. "You are a good woman but this is my fate and I've accepted it. All I need now is to go away from them, from here so that I can finally start my life afresh like a reborn being"
"Oh dear. Trust me when I say that you are not alone. Sometimes our life can be a little sad but in the end you'll realize how it all connects" she says.
"I guess so,"
•••--------•••
After the session with Ms. Lily, I head straight to the library. I stay there for a while, reading and doing some research. After the library, I head to the coffee shop. I do two hours part time there every day. But after an hour of working, I get a text on my phone: Where are you? Come back home now or you'll have yourself to blame later.
The text is from my father.
Fear immediately starts to grow in my chest.
I have not done anything at all.
I did everything he asked me to.
At twenty two I'm still hopelessly afraid of my father and his family. I don't blame myself though. My small stature never does justice to my age, so they treat me like a beginning teenager. I can't even fight back or anything.
I beg Ambrose and tell him how I need to be home ASAP or I will possibly end up dead. He agrees to cover up for me while I go to my death zone. He calls my family a death zone since I don't have any life aside from running up and down for them. And I work like I'm going to die for them but it's the opposite. I won't die for them, they'll kill me.
I don't bother stopping a taxi since I'm trying to save up and right now, I can't afford to pay for a taxi. I run all the way, stopping when I need some air, breathing with both my nose and my open mouth. When I get home, there are two black SUVs parking in front of our house.
There are two men dressed in ash colored suits standing beside the cars. I slow my steps and narrow my eyes as I glance around. It's like they are not noticing my presence as I walk past them and towards the house. I'm so scared right now, I can hear my heartbeat so loud and clear.
Am I being arrested and taken away?
Oh God, I didn't do anything to deserve any of these.
I inhale and exhale as my tears start rolling down my cheeks. Now, I won't even go to college again. I'll spend the rest of my days in jail. I'm definitely the bad egg on earth and the universe has come to uproot me.
I quickly run my hand across my face as I step inside the house. It's a full house plus extra people. Two men dressed like the ones outside are standing at the entrance. Then there's a man sitting across my father with his legs crossed. He dressed in all black. His jet black hair is tied to the back. His right hand is supporting his jaw.
I scan the room. My father looks happy. My sister looks like she has won a lottery and the man sitting down has no expression on his face. He has a bold scar across his brows and they are tiny scorpions scattered on the back of palm in black ink. He looks scary.
As I walk past him to my father, I great him with a curt head bow.
"Go in, help Winona Park. She's getting married" my father orders me in front of the guest.
I let out a sigh of relief and wipe my eyes completely.
"No problem" I nod my head and start making my way to the room but it suddenly hits me as I remember I've seen the man's face before and I remember where I've seen him—on the billboard across town. He's running for Senate. The whole of Chicago knows him. But he looks different in person.
Why will he want to marry Wino? She's too young for marriage or did they lie about her age? But I ignore all that thought and go into Wino's room to help her pack. When I'm done, I return to the living room to announce to my father that I finished what he asked me to do.
But from the look on everyone's face, something is wrong. Either the man has changed his mind and finally realizes Wino is too young or, they are all feeling sad that she's leaving. I don't care though. I don't want to know.
I'm about to leave the living room when my father calls me back.
"You are the one leaving instead. He wants to marry you instead" he says. I can see the disgust and anger in his tone. I'm sure if he can, he'll beat him up right now.
"W…what?" I ask, honestly praying that what I heard isn't what he said.
"You want me to repeat myself. Go and get your belongings" he fires.
The man sitting down is just quiet. I look from him to my father and back to him. I don't know what to say. I don't want this. I have plans—had.
"I…I…" I can't even talk. Initially, my intention was to decline, but I can't talk. The words suddenly feel heavy and unable to fall out from my mouth.
"Why are you still standing there?" My father half yells. He turns to the other man "I'm sorry for the delay senator"
I run into my room and close the door behind me. I can't help myself. My eyes hurt, my ears hurt, my chest feels full and heavy, my nose hurts, my head is pounding as my face becomes completely covered in tears. This is the same as being jailed. I won't go to college again. I will never be free, my life will forever be in the hands of others.
I'm in tears as I'm packing my clothes. Though I don't have much belongings, but I park everything that means something to me including a small framed portrait of my mother that I stole when my father wanted to burn her stuff and my mini savings box.
I drag my box out to the living room, sniffing and coughing as I walk out.
"Try to be grateful," my father says. I know he doesn't mean it but I don't respond.
"Take her bag" the senator man orders one of his men.
And right then, something hit me as a relief washes over me: maybe this is good. Maybe it's the first step to my freedom.