"You ready for this?"
"Well, I have already been kicked in the balls. What's one more time?" he asked.
Alex pressed the button on the silver speaker.
"ICU can I help you?"
"It's Alvarez... and Stapleton."
The door buzzed. They each took one of the large doors and walked in.
Everybody froze. No one even blinked. Alex had tried to clean up his face, but it was really no use with the tooth missing.
"Are you two okay?" the blonde nurse asked. "Do you need me to call the cops?"
Alex made a gesture that said, look at me, lady, I am the cops.
"You two are in deep shit. REALLY deep shit. Maybe I should go in and give her some pain meds. Calm her down a bit," Peggy said.
"You can't keep her doped up forever. We need to face this thing head-on," Alex said.
"Looks like you already did," the blonde said.
When they walked into the room, Allie was in the bathroom.
"Maybe she should come back. I would rather have her sitting down."
"Good point," Dean said.
They both turned their backs to leave. The bathroom door clicked open.
"STOP!" Allie said. "Do not go any further. Turn around. Both of you. NOW!"
They both pivoted on the ball of their foot.
"WHAT... THE... FORK...YOU TWO!"
"He started it," they said, pointing at each other.
She limped towards them, holding her hip.
"Dean, you have a boot print on your shirt," she said. "Alex, you are missing a tooth."
Dean brushed the boot print off his shirt. Alex wiped his nose on his forearm.
"Come in, boys. Have a seat. WE NEED TO TALK."
"Those are the worst four words in the English language that can be put together, Dean mumbled to Alex.
"So, I've heard," Alex mumbled back.
"Oh, she is acting very calmly. Those two boys are dead. Get the paddles ready," an older African American nurse said with a laugh.
She quietly closed the door.
She slid back into the bed. Peggy had changed the sheets. She slid under them.
"She does an excellent job, doesn't she?" she asked. "Hospital corners."
She smoothed out the sheet over her belly. She pressed the button for the PCA. She waited a minute. The boys were getting more terrified by the minute. Finally, she spoke. Her words were very calm and slow.
"Hey, Peanut. You have two daddies to choose from, and they are both fucking shitheads." She rubbed her belly. "Excuse my language, Peanut."
The guys looked at each other. Dean didn't like the two daddies' comment very much.
"I say two daddies because maybe one of them will grow the fuck up and be mature enough to be a daddy, or I will kill them both. Then you will have two mommies because this mommy will be in jail, and you'll be living with Auntie Bug and Kay Kay," she said.
Both sets of eyes dropped to the floor.
"No, no. Look at me, boys."
"I'm only going to say this once. You two need to cut this crap out. I love both of you but keep this up, and I will be done with both of you. I will get a goddamn Ouija board and get back together with Malibu. You will never see me again as long as you live," she pointed to Alex. "And you and I will be exchanging our daughter in a mother-fricken police parking lot. I hate to break this to you, but it would be easier without a man in my life. So, guess what? You are BOTH back to square one. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life, my daughter's life, with a fucking twat! Excuse my mouth, baby girl. Now! Do you hear the words that are coming out of my mouth?" she asked.
"Yes, Buttercup."
"Yes, Cara Mia."
They both sounded deflated.
"Guys. I love you both. Like I deeply love you both. The way I know you love me is just as strong as I love you. I know. I have a way to settle this that doesn't involve you breaking a rib. Well, maybe," she said.
"I'm game."
"Game on."
"Last time you guys said that, you ended up right where you are," she said. "Okay, hear me out. We have a threesome, and whoever pleases me the best wins. At least I will come out a true winner."
Dean and Alex looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.
"Since I know it's going to be me, sure. Name the time and place," Alex said.
"Dude, I knocked up a woman who couldn't possibly get pregnant. I'm the king," Dean boasted.
"Wow? Really guys? You would do that? Damn. I was just kidding, but I'll keep that in mind. Now, this is how we do this. Just be civilized adults. Talk to each other. Stop trying to kill each other. I'm not going to be with the winner of a smackdown, so stop. For the love of all that is holy, stop."
She shifted in the bed. Peanut was kicking and rolling around. "Now, this baby has been using my bladder as a soccer ball for the last two hours. Now, YOU, Mi Vida!" She pointed at him. "Call a dentist and get that beautiful smile fixed."
"AND YOU, Cowboy!" She pointed at him, "Go ask Peggy for an ice pack to put on your nuts. If you are wondering how I know about it, you walked like that when your nephew accidentally hit you in the crotch with a plastic bat. I can only imagine what he just hit you with."
"Yes, Buttercup," he said with his head hung low.
"Yes, Cara Mia," Alex pouted.
"What does that mean? Cara Mia," he asked.
"My Beloved."
"What's up with Buttercup?"
"Princess Bride," he said.
They both stood up.
"Good movie."
"I know, right? That, as you wish, lines work every time," he mumbled.
"I bet."
"Oh, Boys, one more thing. Who won?" she asked.
"I did," they both said. "No, you didn't. Yes, I did."
"I'm in love with two children," she shook her head and rubbed her belly. "We are in big trouble, peanut."