-Sam-
Sterling residences
Howard area, Chicago
Terra, Earth Solar system
Neutral Free zone
January 14th 2019
6:00 AM
Across a large field littered with the bodies of the slain, someone walked through. The field was stained with not just the corpse of the slain, but a river of blood that flowed through. The smell of decay mixed in with the smell of iron, but the figure did not mind the smell or the dreaded atmosphere. There were people still alive on the field, people dressed in strange armaments and uniform. The figure stopped across a pond of blood. And took a look at the reflection. An oval shaped brown olive skin looked back at the figure. She too was dressed in the strange armament, an emerald colored armor that covered her graceful body. Her alien green hair was tied in a strange braid pattern, and a longsword was within her hands. This body was unfamiliar, and yet familiar at the same time. As she stared at the image, a spark of thunder, then lighting followed and then something shot out of the water and dragged her into it. She tried to fight against it, tried to get to the surface, but she had no strength. The darkness was calling out to her. She just wanted to end it all. She wanted to stop fighting it. Just let go and drown into the darkness...
Sam woke up from her dream in panic, her body shooting out of the couch as she fought against the panic that was settling within her heart. That was the fourth time she had that dream. The fourth time that she had woken up in panic. Her hand went to her chest as she forced herself to breathe. She was exhaling and inhaling so loudly that she felt like she could swallow all the air into her lungs. Sam turned her head around the living room of Henry's apartment to make sure she was awake and not on some weird battlefield. She got up from the couch, going to the bathroom to wash up. Sam anxiously beheld the water-stained mirror, her face reflecting at her, looking puffy and watery. There was nothing that she hated more than staring at her reflection. The dark circles around her eyes were a sign of staying up all night. She had been unable to sleep, nightmares from her consciousness kept her awake. She tried to forget about it but she just couldn't. She could feel the tension from last night's nightmare, bubbling within her stomach. The sensation of drowning, trying her best to fight against the pull of the abyss dragging her down into the darkness. She did her best to fight, to survive, and yet she was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of the guilt, the pain... Sam took a deep breath and began the exercise her therapist taught her. Count to five and repeat it over and over again. Until the pressure went away. But it never did...at least not for her. She could always feel it deep somewhere within her mind, though it was easier to ignore it after doing the exercise. She opened the drawer and took out her pill. Sam paused as she frowned at it. She wasn't sure if she wanted to keep taking it. It had been six months since Sam started using them again, even though she had hoped to never resort to it again in her life. She had made the biggest mistake ever, believing that she could control her affliction and make it not affect her day-to-day life. And so far it had worked out quite well for her... for a while at least. She knew it wasn't right to use her affliction as an advantage to get what she wanted but it had felt good to truly embrace herself.. to feel like she was being my true self. Then it all came crashing down that night. The control that she thought she had mastered, was all an illusion in her head. To be honest, there had been situations where she had been this close to losing control... But she had always managed to keep it in check. But that night...that night something strange had happened. She could still see the blood... no...no... it wouldn't do good for her to dwell on things that she couldn't change. She opened the bottle and took two pills from it. She swallowed them and sipped the water from the cup by the sink. There was a knock at the door and it opened, Henry popped his head inside.
"Are you feeling good?" He asked. Henry tried his best to hide the look of concern on his face but she could see it clearly on that face of his. In fact, his emotions were seeping out of him and mixing with hers that it was kind of hard for her to breathe. Damn, the effects of these pills were taking too long.
"I should be heading out soon," Sam said. She felt a tingle of annoyance from him and then it was gone, replaced by more concern for her well-being. She tried her best to ignore Henry's feeling. Their relationship was over. Even though she had tried her best to have a normal relationship like a normal person, Sam knew that she could never have that. She was anything but normal. He had been so supportive of her since the incident. But things between them had still not gotten better. Sam couldn't stand the guilt of just using Henry to make herself feel normal and decided that it was better to end their relationship. She had broken the news to him last night. Her desire for them to break up. It hadn't gone so well. Henry hadn't taken it well but there was nothing he could do to change her mind about her decision. Henry left, leaving her to wash her face and get her things which she packed in her bags to take back to her dorm.
*
Sam got out from Denning's donut, a cup of coffee, and her phone in both of her hands. She was checking through her missed calls, looking at the number that she had been ignoring for a while. The number belonged to Stella. She had called while Sam had returned to her dorm but Sam didn't feel like talking to her. She hadn't spoken to her in a long time, not since Stella came to visit her while she was in the hospital last year. Her relationship with her Aunt was a bit... complicated. Though she worried a lot about Sam and treated her like she was a fragile object, Sam's feelings towards Stella, especially the way she treated her while she was a teenager, always made Sam uncomfortable around her. And then Sam had picked a fight with her as soon as she got out of the hospital and they hadn't talked much like they used to. Sam felt a bit of guilt on how she had treated her aunt. Stella never liked Henry and it had been because of their relationship that Sam had pushed her completely from her life. Now Sam had broken things off, and she didn't feel like hearing lectures from her. Sam put her phone away as she walked through the gates of Yesh University, an academic Institute that was well known across the globe. Sam couldn't help but smile as her eyes took in the grandiose buildings that were laid across the 6,078 acres of land. Yesh University was a prestigious university with satellite campuses around the state, known for its tough curriculum and its success rate. Many successful and famous people in the world were alumni of the school. If you want to be something or somebody in the world, this was the school you had to go to. For some reason, Sam knew this was the school meant for her. And through some fortunate luck, Sam had gained a scholarship that allowed her to choose whatever campus in any city that she wanted to go to. She had chosen the one in Chicago so she could get away from New York and it had strained her relationship with Stella. Sam chose Chicago because she needed to get away from the memory of her life back in Cedar Lake but it hadn't been easy. The usual guilt began creeping up again but Sam chased it off and took the path that would lead her to her first day of class, Music Performance II. The class took place in one of the many auditoriums that the school had. Sam stood outside the door, taking a deep breath. It was two weeks now since Sam had returned to school, after her break which saw her nearly fail most of her classes from her first year. Music was the only subject she had managed to do well and now she was taking the next course. She felt the weight of the Cello on her back, the instrument was something she was still getting used to. She had discovered her love for playing the instrument, though becoming a composer was still something Sam would love to do. Sam felt a lump in her throat, peeping through the window of the door, into the auditorium to find it packed with students.
"Sam," a voice said. Behind her was an acquaintance from last year. Callum Ayida. He was of average height with dark skin and low-cut curly hair. He wore a dashiki t-shirt and jeans, a black huge bag on his back that contained his musical instrument.
"Callum," Sam said. He had been in some of her classes from last year and had been quite friendly to her. She remembered him inviting her to many social events which she had declined due to her nervousness around strangers.
"You going in," He said. Sam nodded forced to enter the auditorium with Callum following her. "So how was your weekend,"
"It was great," Sam said as they joined the rest of the class on top of the stages. Callum nodded before going over to where those who played the Tuba all the way in the back, while Sam took a seat among the Cellists. She sighed as she saw that the only empty spot left was next to Rosalinda Chavez. Rosa gave Sam a smile which she returned as she took the seat. She noticed eyes staring at her, but Sam ignored them. She was pretty sure that rumors about her were still going on, but she had decided to ignore them and focus on what truly mattered. Which was getting back on track with her life. Her phone vibrated, forcing her to put it on silent as the Professor for the class came in.
"Now, for today, we will be going over the assignment that you were assigned last week," The professor began the class. Most of the students groaned while Sam bought out the musical notes she had composed. Becoming a composer for the Edelman Symphony Orchestra was a dream for Sam. If everything goes according to her plan, she would not only become a composer. She might also be its principal conductor. When it came to Sam's turn to play the notes she had written, she felt a nervous energy within her. She could feel all eyes on her, so she tried her best to ignore it. Instead, she focused on her instrument and her notes. Clear your thoughts on all the nonsense. Focus on your breathing, and play from deep within your heart. That was Sam's mantra, and then she began to play the notes. At first, she began playing slowly, tuning her instruments to the right fits, and then the melody began. The song filled the auditorium, the euphonious tone of the music capturing all the attention of everyone as Sam increased the tempo, and then at the final piece, she began to slow it down again till she was done. Sam panted as she lowered her bow away from the Cello as the professor and the rest of the class applauded her. Sam couldn't help smiling. Even Rosa, who had gotten applause for her own music, was clapping hard for Sam. There was a stunning look on her face.
"Bravo, Samantha," Professor Cessian said. "Glad to see you're back in top shape. Next!" For the rest of the class, Sam listened as the others played their own while she began to cross check the notes she had written. She felt like she was missing something, so she wanted to make sure it was right.
"Sam! Sam!" Sam looked up from her notes, realizing that class was over and people were leaving. Rosa was packed up, ready to leave.
"Shit," She muttered. She put her notes in her bag and packed up her Cello as she left the auditorium with Rosa.
"So how's Henry," Sam flinched at Henry's name coming out of her mouth. Before things got serious with Henry, Rosa and her had been going out at the same time. Sam had left her because she wanted to give Henry a serious chance. Their breakup had not been amicable, so ever since then, Sam had hardly seen her.
"He's okay." Sam said. She said nothing about their break up.
"I saw him this morning. Over by the Art building" Rosa said with a puff of red aura around her head. Sam tried to ignore Rosa's dislike for Henry, her control of her ability was slipping. "He didn't seem to be looking well. Are things okay,"
"As okay as they can be" Sam said numbly. Rosa frowned, the color around her got stronger and then it calmed, her emotions turning from dislike to concern.
"I heard about what happened..." Rosa began. "I wasn't sure if you wanted me to visit after the way things ended between us...the way I acted..."
"It's okay," Sam said. She wasn't fond of looking back into the past, as there were things that she would rather forget. Rosa stared at Sam for a minute and gave her a smile. Sam noticed the faint bluish aura that had appeared around her, and she could sense her feelings towards her. A part of Rosa still wanted Sam, still craved for her, and Sam knew it wasn't good. Even with her pills, Sam could still sense it, still feel it though it wasn't as strong as it would have been without the pills. It had been hours since Sam took the pills, so why was her affliction still affecting her?
"Do you have a class next...we could go for.."
"I have therapy this afternoon," Sam interjected. The look on Rosa's face didn't have to tell Sam she was disappointed. She could smell and feel it. "I'll see you later." Sam quickly left her, taking her phone out of her pocket and dialing Stella. Sam went to the first restroom she could find and entered a stall where the call finally got answered.
"Samantha, Finally, dear" Stella's voice was low from her end.
"Did I call you at a bad time," Sam said. She thought of the situation that was going on in the city. Luckily the outbreak didn't spread beyond the city.
"It's a busy day at the clinic," Stella said. She was the local doctor who owned a well off practice in their hometown. Sam remembered the days when she was always working the overnight shifts. "How are you, Samantha,"
"I'm fine," Sam lied. She wanted to tell her that the pills were not working the same. That something felt off about it. She wanted to tell her about the nightmare that kept her from sleeping, that she had broken things off with Henry but there was a gaping distance between them. She didn't know what to say.
"Are you taking the pills," She asked. She was always set on asking Sam if she was taking her pills. The herbal pills that she had somehow gotten helped with Sam's affliction. Stella had never told her where she got it from and whenever she asked, she would be silent. And she was always adamant about reminding her to take the pills. And Sam did. Because they helped. Normal meds did nothing, and even alcohol was not the best option, something Sam had learned back in high school.
"I mailed the next prescription, so it should be coming to your dorm soon," She said.
"Thanks," Sam said.
"Sam..."
"I have to go," Sam cut the phone and got out of the stall to the mirror sink. Even with her light brown olive skin, her face looked palish, and the shadows under her eyes were more pronounced. Sam could feel the pressure, the internal struggle for air, so she did her counting to smooth her mind. After doing multiple counts, she regained her composure and left the restroom.
****
Sam listened to the ticking of the clock that was across from her, relishing in the rhythm of it as she fought to stop her body from fidgeting. She had no idea why she was nervous as she had been coming here for most of her break from school. Sam stared around the room, which was all decorated in white. The couch which she sat on was white with white pillows stashed around it. Even the woman who sat across from her in the white chair was dressed in a white V-neck polka dot jumpsuit. Her blonde hair was tied in a bun, and only a single line of hair was loose from the bun. She had a white notepad by her lap where she was writing notes about Sam. Sam wondered for the fourth time what she was writing about her. In the middle of the room was a white table, a white folder resting on top of it. Sam knew the folder had her medical files on it, which she had gotten from the school when she started seeing her. Sam stared at her watch, wondering when she could get the hell out of here and get to school. She sighed as she tapped her hand on her knees while her feet finally synched with the rhythm of the ticking. Dr. Dingle was surprised at how nervous Sam was because she had always felt calm and relaxed in the doctor's presence. But even the white, calm soothing aura that permeated from her couldn't stand a chance against the nervous energy in Sam.
"So Samantha, are you glad to be getting back to school." Dr. Dingle said.
" Yeah, I'm..." Sam's fidgeting increased, forcing her to use her left hand to grasp hold of the right one. She knew Dr. Dingle had noticed it, but she said nothing about it. "Sorry... but I'm kind of not feeling good today."
"There's nothing to be sorry for. It's actually quite normal to feel that way after a break up." She said.
"That's the problem. I don't want to feel things" Sam said. "I...I just want to be normal."
"Are you still having those nightmares," Dr. Dingle asked. Sam pressed her palm over her lap, her edges frayed with anxiety. Sam didn't want to talk about her nightmares. But Sam knew she had to be honest with her conversations. She nodded her head.
"I had one again. I was walking through a battlefield. I...I had just finished fighting. Just finished killing so many people." Sam said looking at her fingers. "So many bodies. Too much blood and...death. I...I couldn't stand it anymore. I wanted to drown, to drown and be sucked away but I kept fighting it. Kept struggling...I..I know if I let go, the current would take me away...but I don't. I kept on fighting. Kept on killing...taking life...like it was nothing" Sam finished, closing her hands into fist, the memory of her nightmare making her feel sick. There was more to her nightmares that she hadn't said but she kept those to herself. "I know it's crazy. I mean I know i read comics and all kinds of fantasy, but..."
"It's not crazy. Sometimes our mind use dreams as a way to communicate with us. Use imagery and various scenarios to shows us our inner desire." Dr. Dingle said. "Yours just happens to use fantasy scenarios to tell you what you want."
"And what do I want," Sam asked.
"To live. To live your life.: Dr. Dingle said. "I believe your nightmare represents the struggle you've faced and how far you've come to overcome them. You've come so far yet you're still healing. Let's talk about your music. How's the writing going"
'It's ok." Sam said. Dr. Dingle raised an eyebrow, making her look down at her boots, unable to look the Doctor in the eye. There was a brief moment of silence before she looked right back at the Doctor. She said nothing but stared at Sam, waiting for her to go on. "I don't want to talk about it."
"You suffered a horrible trauma, Samantha. I don't deny that." Dr. Dingle said. "The fact that you've endured all that, and yet I don't think you've dealt with them completely."
"Dealt with them," Sam asked.
"You lost your mother at childbirth." Dr. Dingle said as she peered through her files. "You lost your father at a young age.."
"I never knew my mother.... at least my biological mother," Sam said. It was something she had always thought about for most of her life. "I have Stella, though."
"And have you spoken to her since you left home?" Dr. Dingle asked. Sam nervously bit her lips, thinking about Stella. Their relationship was extremely strained to the point that Sam felt ashamed when speaking with her.
"No... Yes...Maybe but …I.." Sam stopped. She didn't know how to explain her relationship with her Aunt. There were a lot of things Sam wanted to say. To disclose. Like how she could feel the emotions of others. How the emotions of people around her could change depending on her mood. And how this affliction was the root of her problem. But she could never tell anyone that part of herself. She could neve talk about the other nightmares she had. Of an entire city being drowned by the ocean, millions of people dead. Of the sky falling down on to the earth. Sam couldn't tell her anymore of what she dreamt. She didn't care for whatever her mind was trying to tell her. What her dream meant. She just wanted it to stop. didn't want anyone to think that she was crazy. No more than she appears to look currently, at least. "What does Stella have to do with my trauma?"
"Sam," Dr. Dingle said. She took a pause, allowing it to stretch out. "You've dealt with loss for most of your life. To the point that it has become a part of you, like a scar." Sam rubbed the sleeve of her left hand. The thin slash underneath it throbbed from the memory of a particular night. "Normally, such a loss would have pushed one past the brink, and yet you survived. You've done the work. You're here, alive and attending one of the most prestigious university. Your life is what you make of it. But letting fear dictate your actions isn't the answer."
"You think I'm letting fear make my decision," Sam said.
"When it comes to your relationship with your Aunt, yes, I believe you are." Dr. Dingle said. Sam opened her mouth to rebut it, but she couldn't. "I believe the problem you have with your dreams lies with this deep-seated guilt you have with your aunt. Until you deal with it, you will never feel comfortable with the life you're trying to build."