Waking up to the sound of Mom's vacuum cleaner was like being in a rock concert where the drummer had no chill. The bright sunlight streaming through the window didn't help either. I was a baby, sure, but even I needed some beauty sleep to keep up appearances.
"Alright, system," I thought groggily. "What fresh nonsense do you have for me today?"
[SYSTEM ALERT: NEW QUEST AVAILABLE!]
Objective: First Steps.
Reward: +3 Mobility.
First steps? Already? The system was like that overachieving teacher who assigned extra homework the day before summer break. But hey, +3 Mobility sounded pretty sweet. With that kind of stat boost, I'd be zooming through this house like a toddler NASCAR driver.
Mom swept into the room, humming her usual cleaning anthem. "Good morning, my handsome little genius!" she sang, lifting me out of the crib like I was Simba in The Lion King. Her face lit up like it always did when she saw me, and I couldn't help but grin back.
"Yeah, I know, I'm adorable," I thought smugly. "The ladies can't resist me."
As she carried me downstairs, I spotted the neighbor's daughter, Mira, helping her mom hang laundry outside. Mira was about 14, with long braids and a cheerful laugh that rang out like a YouTube intro for a lifestyle channel. She waved at me, and I—naturally—did what any self-respecting reincarnated high schooler would do: I flexed my chubby little arms and gave her my best baby smirk.
"Oh my gosh, he's so cute!" Mira squealed.
"Cute?" I thought indignantly. "No, lady, I'm dashing. Rugged. The stuff of daydreams!"
Mom giggled. "You've got an admirer, Andreas."
"Darn right I do," I muttered internally, puffing out my chest. I'd have blown her a kiss if my motor skills weren't still in the tutorial stage.
Breakfast was the usual mix of chaos and mushy food. Dad was attempting to fix a squeaky chair while simultaneously munching on toast, and Mom was narrating her entire morning routine like she was filming a vlog.
"Andreas, today we're going to practice your standing! Won't that be fun?"
"Fun? Lady, I've got quests to complete and a reputation to maintain," I thought, eyeing the kitchen like it was my training ground.
Then the system hit me with a surprise.
[SYSTEM ALERT: NEW SKILL DISCOVERED!]
Skill: Enhanced Pooping.
Details: Gain bonus XP and stat boosts based on dietary diversity.
"Oh. My. God," I thought, blinking at the screen. "You mean I can literally poop my way to greatness?"
Mom had no idea of the epic realization I was having as she scooped a spoonful of mashed bananas into my mouth. To her, I was just a baby enjoying his breakfast. To me, I was unlocking the secret to becoming a legend.
The quest for standing began after breakfast. Mom set me on the living room floor, surrounded by foam blocks and a suspiciously cheerful stuffed rabbit. She crouched nearby, her face a mix of encouragement and determination.
"Okay, Andreas, show me those strong legs!"
"Strong legs? Lady, I'm trying to go full Usain Bolt here," I thought, pushing myself onto all fours.
The first attempt was shaky at best. My legs wobbled like a Jenga tower on its last turn, and I ended up face-planting into the rug. Not exactly my most suave moment.
"Aw, don't give up!" Mom chirped, clapping her hands. "You can do it!"
I grumbled under my breath, but her enthusiasm was contagious. With a deep breath, I pushed myself up again, this time managing to balance on my stubby legs for a full three seconds before gravity won.
[SYSTEM ALERT: QUEST COMPLETE!]
Reward: +3 Mobility!
As the system processed my victory, I felt the familiar rush of energy coursing through me. My legs felt sturdier, my movements smoother. I was one step closer to becoming the ultimate baby warrior.
Mom, of course, was over the moon. "You did it! My little genius is standing!"
"Yeah, I know," I thought smugly. "Next stop: world domination."
Later that afternoon, I was lounging in my playpen, contemplating my newfound mobility, when another quest appeared.
[SYSTEM ALERT: NEW QUEST AVAILABLE!]
Objective: Impress a lady.
Reward: +1 Charisma.
"Now that's my kind of quest," I thought, immediately scanning my surroundings. Mom and Dad didn't count, obviously, so my sights turned to Mira, who was still outside with her laundry.
Time for Operation Baby Charmer.
With a grunt, I pulled myself up to a wobbly standing position, gripping the edge of the playpen for support. Then, with all the grace of a baby deer on ice, I attempted my first wave. My chubby hand flailed wildly, but it did the trick.
"Oh, look at him!" Mira exclaimed, rushing over to the fence. "He's standing! What a smart little guy!"
I puffed out my chest, my confidence soaring. "Yeah, that's right. Feast your eyes on this baby genius."
She giggled, leaning closer. "You're going to break so many hearts when you grow up."
"Already starting," I thought with a wink.
[SYSTEM ALERT: QUEST COMPLETE!]
Reward: +1 Charisma!
As Mira walked away, I sank back into my playpen, basking in my success. Sure, I was still a baby, but I was well on my way to becoming the most charismatic, overpowered pooping machine this world had ever seen.