Short Order Cocks

"LOCAL MAN FUCKS 'DRAGON' WITH CAR"

…the headline was visible in bold as I watch the television news. I was at the local restaurant drinking coffee at the counter, eating a donut. It was my first day at this highly unusual profession.Beside me was William, my mate, also watching the news, having ordered French fries.

"Utter Bullshit", William muttered, as he slowly put a French fry into his mouth . "Shithead must have smoked massive amounts of Crystal meth and cocaine to do something like that", I thought, as the TV visuals changed to a blue car, speeding away. The car was a large SUV, fitted with a large wood log taped to the hood, smeared with approximately five to ten buckets load of (alleged) cUm from the reported encounter. 

Just then our pocket radio buzzed- "~ANOMANY DETECTED AT SOUTH OF ROUTE 31. APPEARANCE- BLUE CAR.~"

"Let's get back to our car quick. I guess we done too much 'round here.", William calmly said, as we slipped the money to the bartender, and left for our car. There, as I reached for the door handle, I saw some wet, white-ish tire stains. "must be those kind of stains found in some people's underwear.". I thought.

"That man must have passed by this street…" William said, as we got into the car, started the engines, and started following the wet tire stains. 

7:00 am. It was now morning, with me driving the car through a not so busy street, with a few cars and other vehicles going across the roads. The tire marks seemed infinite, until the marks appeared to take a left turn across the 3rd exit. We took the left, and followed the trails yet as it follows into the interstate highway. On the sea of cars, We found the suspect- a blue SUV, speeding off, spewing several, perhaps more than just ♂six hot loads♂ from the rear end.. As William readied his rifle and peeked out of the sunroof, he shouted "There he is! Floor it!" I immediately floored the gas pedal, and soon, we were in some kind of a chase scene, with both us and the blue SUV speeding away, as if it were a race. William took aim with the Winchester rifle, and shot off the blue car's number plate, while rattling off my eardrums. "Oh, for fuck's sake…" he shouted, as he hastily cranked the lever of his rifle, nearly sending the used cartridge across my face. I nearly swerved into a delivery truck, but stabilized the car, while the truck driver loudly cursed at me.

At the same time, my partner took aim again, and this time, the bullet went straight into the blue car's rear right wheel axle, and the tyre came right off. The car swerved to and fro uncontrollably like a spinning top that is out of energy, and then crashed into the side and into a bus stop. We stopped our car at another roadside, got off to check on the car. William checked the driver, while I checked the car. What we found was a little bit more disturbing than anticipated. While obviously there was a large log drenched with the liquid; inside, there was an unconscious individual, head leaning to the steering wheel airbag, one hand on the steering wheel, and other holding a lighter. The driver was clad in a t-shirt, blue jeans, red sneakers, half jacket and bracelets.

While my partner kept looking, I pulled out my camera, and snapped some photos as evidence. Then pulled out my old phone and dialed up the police number.

"Come up here, will you?", William shouted as I was about to press 'call'. He had found something very unusual in the car. On closer inspection, we found that the driver's left arm was heavily infested with a glowing blue goo, weakly spluttering out white fluids. I tore a part of my scarf and moved to cover up the left arm.

And then I found out how the 'man' fucked the dragon with a car.

Another hand lunged at my arm and gripped it VERY tightly. It was as if I could not feel my hand. The driver, who just woke up, then kicked me out of the car, and almost into an oncoming truck. A grisly sight Indeed. I hastily reached for my back pocket, and pulled out my old* Mauser pistol. I aimed and emptied all the 10 shots into the driver. 'he', aside from getting several holes in the chest and head, remained unscathed. Then came the driver's attack. Using the left hand, the individual started to spray out several hundred litres of sticky c^m, almost drenching my entire body and pistol in seconds. I was significantly slowed down, and couldn't reach for the spare clips. As the driver was about to smash me down, he stopped. The driver looked at the back, and there was William, holding a remote. The driver looked confused. Then William pressed the button, and the driver's head exploded into several bits, with the remains slumping down like a loose brick house.

"Well, that's the pay-off for our job.", William said calmly, while wiping off the fluids from his face. We moved to the crash site, and then found that the blue SUV was intact, not like the last time we shot it crashing. The tyre was intact too, attached to the car. Thinking nothing of it, I phoned in the local police. We got back into the car, and as we drove back, a tow truck arrived into the place alongside a few police cars and a containment vehicle.

"Anomaly status- neutralized.", he buzzed into the radio.

"~umm… Looks like we have to call it a day… We'll report if anything else happens.~" the radio buzzed back.

"Here, take this" William handed me a towel, as he was driving the car, now scratched up a bit. Wiping down the towel, I thought how the driver looked threatening and scary. "Man, I need to take several showers at once", I lamented, as I wiped my face and hands thoroughly. We kept driving and driving, until we reached the city.

 Our car reached home soon enough. William unlocked my side of the door, and I got out.

"Come to think of it, I uhh, didn't ask your name. " William asked.

"John Baxter. Or just Baxter, if you will. " I said.

"First name's Brad. See you next day", William said, closed the door, and drove off.

"First stop- the bathroom" I wondered as I opened the house door.