The beeping sound of the monitor woke me up.
As i gazed around my surroundings realization hit me.
It was just a dream. I hadn't gone home. I was still in the hospital.
I pulled off the covers and got out of bed. As i stood to my full height everywhere swayed before stabilizing.
Another sign that i wasn't going to be fine.
It's not like i cared. I didn't feel bad the day i received the diagnosis. My life was already messed up.
As i turned in the direction of the bathroom, something on my bedside table caught my eye. I walked closer to the table to see what it was.
It was a small pink bag with flowers at the top. Inside it was a 'get well' card and a wireless earphone case.
I have never received a 'get well' card ever since i was admitted in the hospital, not even from my parents.
They probably didn't believe i would make it.
I wondered who sent it. I didn't have anyone close to me so who could it be?
I turned the box over and written beneath it was 'GET WELL SOON! YOUR NURSE AILIE.'
Now i was confused.
Ailie?
My nurse's name was Linda and she was usually addressed by her last name 'Hart' so who was this Ailie?
Probably delivered to the wrong room
Just then i heard the door knob turn. I turned to see who it was.
A young girl entered. She was wearing the nurses uniform and smiled at me.
Notwithstanding that, i asked. "Who are you?"
"I'm Ailie." She answered with a smile. "Your new nurse. I see you got my gift." She said, gesturing to the box i held.
I just looked her over. She obviously got the the hint that i wasn't catching on so she spoke again.
"Your former nurse was reassigned to look after a new patient."
So that was why she was here? I looked away from her and stared at the floor thoughtfully.
"I'm sorry." I heard her say.
I looked back at her sharply. She probably thought i was hurt.
I wasn't. I never spoke to Mrs. Hart. She just did her job and i followed instructions. She didn't give much thought to me. I was a dead patient anyway.
"I'm not allowed to use earphones, or anything of the the sort. It affects me." I finally said.
I kept the box on the table and headed into the bathroom to prepare myself for the day.
When i stepped out of the bathroom i looked at my bedside table. The 'get well' box was gone.
Ailie was at the other end of the bed, mixing my water with some other liquid the doctor 'claimed' i needed.
Even though i couldn't use the earphones i still wanted it. At least i could say i received a 'get well' package.
"Here." Ailie said, handing me my waterbottle.
...
I ignored the long stares as i walked to my class. Even with my health condition l was still going to school.
That was fine until my school authorities took it upon themselves to inform everyone at Primrose about my illness, claiming that they were doing it for my safety.
Everyone treated me as a mirage. Something that felt real only on deeper scrutiny to be false.
As for my teachers they obviously felt more sad for my parents who were spending money on someone who's life chances were slim.
Although no one said anything, people have it bad when covering up how they feel.
"Alright everyone i want to see your home works." The teacher announced. Everyone began to bring out their assignments.
I didn't move an inch. I hadn't done it. I didn't even know we were given assignments. I probably forgot as i have a hard time remembering things.
"Raynell? Where's yours?" Mrs. Bauer, our science teacher asked me.
The whole class became silent as everyone waited to hear my response.
I said nothing. I just stared at Mrs. Bauer.
As we stared at each other whispers began to take over.
"I didn't know dumbness was a symptom of a heart cancer." I heard someone say.
"Alright everyone settle down. We all know that Raynell is not in the best shape." Mrs. Bauer said.
The girl in front of me looked over her shoulder at me. "Raynell! You didn't do your homework? You should have told me! I would've helped you!" She queried.
I just stared at her as she continued talking. She was the only one that spoke to me. Even though i never said a word back that didn't discourage her. I constantly wondered if we were ever friends who spent hours talking. I didn't know. I usually had memory loss because of my condition. And even before i received the diagnosis i had always kept to myself... So there was no way i would have spoken to her. She just happened to take an interest in me.
Then suddenly it began to rain.
The rain dulled out all sounds, the teacher and everyone else.
As i stared at the rain drops trickling down the window i couldn't help but wonder what life would look like if things were different.
If my parents weren't the worlds greatest fighters, if i didn't have a disease with no donor, if i had more people i spoke to, if...
If what?
Were those the only things that if somehow were corrected would make me happy? Wasn't there anything else?
And if there was what was it?
I didn't have anything i was looking forward to.
No goals, no ambitions. Nothing.
I had nothing to encourage myself to stay alive.
Maybe that was why i was dying fast, because i had nothing to live for.
"Raynell? Are you okay?" The girl who had been talking to me asked me.
I stared at her confused.
She drew lines from her eyes to her cheeks dramatically.
I shook my head, still not understanding what she meant.
"What i mean is... You're crying." She finally said.
I immediately touched my face. When i pulled my hands back they were wet. I was really crying.
"Why are you —" i didn't let her finish. I hurriedly got up and bolted out of the class, not stopping even when the teacher called my name.
The rain water seeped into my clothes as i ran defiantly under it.
I felt my heart squeeze but i didn't stop running.
...
I laid on my bed thinking of what happened a few hours ago.
Even with all that had happened to me i never remembered myself crying. Why now after so long? Was i suddenly letting out how i felt about those things?
I immediately touched my face to see whether i was crying. I wasn't.
I sighed. Maybe i was just over thinking it because because i was reaching my term. I glanced at the monitor screen. The lines were still zig-zagged. It would not be long before they became straight.
I heard the door knob turn and I immediately closed my eyes. I don't know why i did it, it's just something I'm used to.
I heard footsteps approach my bed. The first footsteps treaded softly while the other was rather hurried. There were two people in my room.
"Did she say anything?" Someone asked.
"You know she never says anything?" Another person said. This voice sounded deeper than the first.
"I don't understand. Why would she leave like that?" The first voice asked.
"I haven't the slightest idea. Did she come by like she was supposed to?" The deeper voice asked.
"No. That was why i was so worried." The first voice replied.
I wondered who the people talking were. Probably some gossipy hospital attendants who talked about other peoples business in patients rooms. It wasn't the first time it was happening.
They began whispering that i couldn't hear what they were saying. Then it became quiet.
Did they leave?
I was about to open my eyes when i felt a warm hand on my cheek.
"Raynell honey?"
My eyes immediately snapped open at the familiarity of the voice.
As i stared at her features; brown eyes and soft brown hair. I had non of that except her facial structure. You could say i was her but in a younger version.
I had lived with her all my life yet i couldn't recognise her voice even when i heard a thousand times.
I was never close to mum. She had other things to do than pay attention to me.
Things that were the reason for me being in the hospital.
Mum was telling me something but i wasn't listening. All i could hear was how calm her voice sounded.
What i had seen of her was a huge contrast.
I remembered how loud her voice used to be whenever she and dad fought. Why was she suddenly so calm?
Did she come to tell me that they were yet to find a donor?
There was a time i used to think about my need for a donor but now i don't remember the last time my mind visited that topic.
Subconsciously i knew it was no use. I didn't stand a chance of living.
"Raynell, did you hear what i said?" Mum continued. "I said we've found you a donor."