Hiiii!
It's me, Pax Larson. Since most delusional people have issues and call me selfish, I'm going to prove them right by talking about myself this whole chapter. And since I'm going insane, I might as well play this out as an interview in my head.
Interviewer: So, Pax, this is your first time giving an interview about your life. Why don't we give the viewers a chance to get to know you? Let's get started—how old are you?
Me: I'm 17 years old.
Interviewer: Oh! The teenage years are the best years! If I could go back, I would.
(She must have grown up with both loving parents, had a phone in 6th grade and went to university without her virginity)
Me: Smiles awkwardly Yes, they sure are.
(Don't shoot me, guys—I'm lying.)
Interviewer: So tell us more about yourself. When's your birthday?
Me: I was born on the 31st of December.
(Ruined my mum's New Year. Her words, not mine.)
Interviewer: Oh wow, that must be so exciting. I'm sure of it. And do you have any siblings?
Me: I have an older sister by one year and a brother who's... counts on fingers six years younger than me—or seven.
Interviewer: Laughs Okay, and what motivated you to come out and tell everyone your story?
Me: I just felt like if I could share my story, I might motivate my peers to push through any life challenges they're facing. Smiles.
(I lied, guys. I'm sorry. I'm really just doing this because I heard people get paid for this shit.)
Interviewer: That's great! We need more people like you to come out and share their stories. And tell me about your parents—where do they work?
Me: My dad (hate this guy) works as a lecturer at the University of 'Non-Disclosable,' and my mum works in... something to do with health, but not actually in a hospital.
Interviewer: And are they divorced or still together?
Me: Separated, but they haven't officially gone to court and signed divorce papers.
Interviewer: Nods Okay, basic question—what's your favourite colour?
Me: Gray. (When I see it, I just want to shove it in my mouth.)
Interviewer: Well, that's the first I've heard of grey being someone's favourite colour. So, what about your favourite foods?
Me: (Pay extra attention, guys.) I love banana-flavoured yogurt, but I hate bananas. I love pineapples, but I hate pineapple juice. And I love guava drinks, but I hate guavas. I also love curry.
Interviewer: Laughs That's quite the list. How about foods you hate or foods you're allergic to?
Me: I hate hot drinks (yes, that's right—I'm a teen going through hell, and I don't drown myself in coffee. I deserve medal, please!). I don't like ice cream in a cone or dark chocolate—only white. Oh, and beetroot and ginger. I'm not allergic to anything as far as I know, although every time I drink milk, I have to use the bathroom. (No, I'm not lactose intolerant.)
Oops! How could I forget my most hated beverage? Water. (Yucky.)
Interviewer: Laughs Interesting list you've got there. Let's move on. What's your favourite genre of music?
Me: I like R&B and jazz the most.
Interviewer: Favourite movie genre?
Me: I like rom-coms and comedy, and I can only watch action movies if a female is the main character or at least a supporting character.
Interviewer: Okay, and what's your aesthetic?
Me: (Broke. Broke is my aesthetic.) Dark academia is the closest thing to my wardrobe.
Interviewer: What do you aspire to be when you grow up?
Me: A lawyer (because I was told to).
Interviewer: That's amazing. Other than that, do you have any dreams or aspirations?
Me: No. No, I don't. (This is the truth for the first time.)
Interviewer: Do you have a best friend?
Me: I have like three of them (they're all fake—we literally talk once every blue moon. I might hate them.)
Interviewer: Quite the popular one, aren't you? What's your relationship status?
Me: Single. Since birth. (Situation isn't good, guys. I'm going to die never kissing a boy.)
Interviewer: Laughs How tall are you, Pax?
Me: I'm 5'6" (so unlucky, reason will be unlocked later).
Interviewer: And what are your hobbies?
Me: I spend most of my time reading novels or watching movies and series.
Interviewer: Nice. What's your favourite book genre?
Me: I like romance, but I mostly read mystery and thrillers. (Smut!!!)
Interviewer: That's lovely. Do you have any special talents?
Me: (Not to brag, but I can read three novels in less than 24 hours—and I'm talking 500-page books. Okay, yes, I'm bragging.) I know how to sew and knit (shit, I'm talentless).
Interviewer: Is that it? So, what can you knit for me? Jokes
Me: I don't know. I know the process of knitting, but I can't exactly make anything.
Interviewer: Oh... Laughs awkwardly Well, okay. How about your pet peeves?
Me: There's a lot. I hate looking at other people's toothbrushes, touching them, or even putting mine next to someone else's. I hate when people brush their teeth in my vicinity. I hate sharing soap. I hate holding hands unless I'm the one initiating it. I hate when people breathe near me. I hate when I can hear people chew. I hate light. I hate open doors. I hate skin-to-skin contact. I hate gum—especially when people chew it and worse when they leave it lying around. I hate being told what to do. I hate long nails and artificial ones even worse.
(I'm sure there's more—I just can't remember at the moment. I'll update when I think of any.)
Interviewer: Whoa, that's quite the list. How about some bad traits about yourself?
Me: Well, my major flaw is my mood swings—all day, every day. I also have a habit of making people feel like they don't matter to me, especially when they wrong me (I'm a ghosting expert). Oh, and someone once told me I'm manipulative. I don't know if it's true, though (I so am—don't kill me).
Interviewer: Laughs And what about your good traits?
Me: One thing I like about myself is my loyalty. I'm loyal to a fault.
Interviewer: Smiles And what else?
Me: Oh, that's it. Smiles.
Interviewer: Oh, well, I'm sure that's not true. Let's move on. Do you know any other languages besides English?
Me: Nope. (Spanish lessons from Dora don't count.)
Interviewer: Any fears—whether deep emotional ones or silly ones?
Me: I'm afraid of grasshoppers (they deserve a special mention), but in short, I'm scared of all insects. I'm also afraid of being left alone and abandoned (explains the ghosting expertise—always leaving before you get left).
Interviewer: Well, that's understandable. Do you have any desire for children?
Me: No. (Stick around and find out why.)
Interviewer: Okay, what's your favourite season?
Me: Winter or rainy (is rainy even a season?).
Interviewer: Okay, now let's get serious. Dogs or cats?
Me: (This is it. This is the question that decides my fate in life.) I choose both. (See what I did there?) I used to be a dog person until I started watching cat videos. Now I'm at an impasse.
Interviewer: Laughs Okay. And what's your sexuality?
Me: (Breathe—you won't get cancelled no matter what you say.) I'm female. (nice save)
Interviewer: Laughs I mean, are you attracted to men or women, or...?
Me: I knew that (I didn't). I'm straight. I like boys. (too forward?)
Interviewer: Okay, and while we're on that topic, how do you feel about the LGBTQ+ lifestyle?
Me: (I'm going to shit myself.) I support but do not promote. (I think I nailed it, guys.)
Interviewer: Due to a lack of ideas, we'll be ending this interview shortly. What's your religion?
Me: Standing on a thin line between Christianity and not giving a shit.
Interviewer: Laughs Okay, and is there something you regret doing?
Me: (If I say being born, will that make me sound extra?) I regret nothing.
Interviewer: Well, that's lovely to hear. Anything else you'd like to say? I'm officially out of questions.
Me: Not really, I think that's it.
Interviewer: Well, it was great having you here. Thanks for coming.
The answer is no! I do not need to be taken to a mental asylum. And the answer is yes. Yes, I did just have a full-blown interview with myself in my head.
This is your last warning to run away. This story isn't for the faint-hearted. Any missing or unanswered questions will obviously be addressed during my life story since this whole shit is about me. Well, I guess that's it for me.
I'm sweating bullets. Tomorrow is Tuesday, January 23—the second day of Term 1 at my new school. I'm going to fuck up big time.
Spoiler alert: it's the day shit hits the fan.
Byeee!!!!