※Caution/Trigger warning※
This chapter deals with the subject matter of depression and death.
In fact, there was still more time before I had to 'confirm the truth'. Because the status abnormality countdown wasn't over yet.
However, the problem was that there was no time to review this leisurely after the Chuseok holiday.
'We're preparing for the end of the year shows right after preparing the new album.'
In order to show the group's ability to promote albums, I couldn't spend the end of the year in vain. There was no time for the 'truth-checking' side effects.
'I don't know what will happen… I can't miss the right timing.'
I made the most reasonable judgment on the premise that I could continue this activity.
… If I went back to my original body, I might regret trying to figure it out for a few more months, but first… Let's not think about that.
Because I agreed to prioritize the future in which I could continue this.
I exhaled.
'Here goes.'
['Truth check' <- Click!]
I pressed the word in the popup window.
Click.
As expected, my sight disappeared.
And my consciousness sank as if it was being sucked downward.
• * *
"You're twenty years old?"
"… Yes, yes."
I was sitting in a familiar restaurant.
This was my regular go-to restaurant after I started studying for the civil service exam. The food was at a good price and it was convenient to come and eat alone.
But right now, I wasn't alone.
Right now, across from me, a person with a bad complexion was sitting and eating soup.
In front of the motel next door, he was lying face down without a coat, so I was going to report him, but I came to feed him.
'Uselessly nosy.'
I was a guy who should've been busy taking care of his own life, so I couldn't help much.
I sighed. The man sitting in front of me winced, and he spoke in a crawling voice.
"I… I have no money."
"… …"
I wasn't thinking about asking for his money after seeing his appearance.
"I bought it while I was eating, so eat it all."
"… Thank you."
He was acting like a sinner for a meal that costs less than 10,000 won. Was it because I didn't look like someone who was going to pay?
I briefly checked myself in the mirror next to the cash register.
I was a test-taker wearing a shirt and a hat and glasses. Still, my face looked fine.
It meant that things weren't too good for the guy in front of me.
'Hmm.'
I looked over at the guy who was picking up diced radish kimchi.
Since he was 20 years old, it wasn't like he ran away from home… It was just, he was a guy like me, but he couldn't have gone to college.
"Do you have someone to contact?"
"… …"
"What about a part-time job?"
"… I was fired."
I knew roughly how it happened. I took a spoon and scooped up a spoonful of soup.
And I spoke.
"Go to the community center first."
"What…?"
"The Administrative Welfare Center. From there, check if the basic living conditions are met. That way you can get money every month. Even if it's not that, there will be a place to take care of you, so ask persistently about anything."
I unilaterally recited the method to him and continued eating. The man on the other side seemed perplexed and did not object.
'It must be inconvenient.'
It was understandable at that age. I quickly drank the remaining broth and stood up.
"Then, I'll take my leave now. You should eat and go."
I spoke out my idea and began to leave.
"W-wait a minute!"
However, while putting on my padded jacket, a panicked call was heard.
And a trembling voice spoke.
"Excuse me… Thank you, and I'm sorry."
"… …"
I paused for a moment, then blurted out the words involuntarily.
"Have you ever worked part-time at a meat restaurant?"
"What? I've never done it…"
Well, it was hard for minors to work part-time at a meat restaurant. They usually didn't take it unless they were relatives.
I drew a line at the top of the candidate list and pulled out the next one.
"I'll introduce you to a part-time job at a convenience store, so contact them. Say that their former part-timer told you about it. I'll give you my number."
Although the owner of the meat restaurant was the weakest at telling stories, it would be okay since the convenience store was also a person who knew how to uphold business morals.
But the other side was more bewildered.
"I-I don't have a phone…"
"… …"
Holding back a sigh, I searched my smartphone and wrote down my number and the number of the convenience store manager on a piece of tissue paper.
"You should get a deposit and open a free phone. You can't work without it."
"… …"
"Take it."
The guy received the tissue paper with a blank face.
And he muttered without raising his head.
"Thank you… Thank you so much."
"… …"
He was probably crying.
I just turned my head. And that was the moment I was about to leave.
"Your name…"
Yes, since I had done all this already, it would be right to say my whole name.
"… Ryu Gunwoo."
Yeah. That's a good job, Ryu Gunwoo.
Looking at how I was wasting my time and thoughts by projecting my situation onto someone I had never seen before.
"What is your name?"
The young guy on the other side raised his head and answered quite courageously.
"I am Park Moondae."
It was an odd name.
I nodded and left the store this time. To escape from this odd situation.
Even after that, I had occasional contact with this 'Park Moondae'.
[I don't know if you remember me, but this is Park Moondae, who got a meal from you. Thank you for introducing me to the convenience store.]
I got a text message saying that he got his first convenience store part-time job and that he was going to buy food.
But we hadn't met much. There was no reason to meet, and it was too much to take care of my life.
This guy said he would pay me back, but I didn't have any expectations. I didn't do anything for him other than buy a meal for him.
It was okay to just meet up and have a meal once in a while. Every time I didn't meet anyone and just read books, I felt like my social skills were broken, so this level was fine.
But apart from that, my report card wasn't okay.
"Are they crazy?"
I never thought I would fail the interview. I even thought I looked at it objectively.
'It's like they're blind. Bastards.'
There was no indicator that could've been guessed except that my family history was viewed negatively.
'I wrapped up the family affairs well.'
Even the interview with the professor worked well.
Normally, it would've been a plus, but it seemed that the interviewers weren't so lucky this year.
"… …Hoo."
I laid down on the mattress. It felt like my brain was broken.
'Shall I have a drink?'
Other than that, there was nothing special to do.
After three years of being a public official, after failing that damn interview, I drank alone…
The next morning…
I gave up.
"Let's give up, fuck."
The reason was simple. All the money I earned was gone.
From the beginning, I tried to do it until here. Once in the second year and once in the third year.
If data collecting jumps up a notch, how could it be covered… At my age, it was safer to get a job.
'I prepared it for employment safety in the first place, but I don't have the purpose or the means.'
I wanted to have a job where I wouldn't starve to death in the worst case and would give me a salary no matter what terrible accident happened.
"… …"
I also thought about lowering the water supply for a while, but I put it on hold because it also cost new money.
'I'll try it one last time when I'm 29.'
That year, I got a job at a suitable mid-sized company.
And I thought I had lived quite well… I don't know.
"You can do it by tomorrow."
"Yes."
I had been living for only 29 years and I'd used up all my mental strength, and I was a social misfit.
I often thought about it on the way home from working overtime while on the bus.
"…"
I just didn't feel very good.
There was no inspiration.
Lite was exhausting on one side.
Nothing particularly bad, but nothing good either.
It was not too difficult to survive in the company itself, but internal politics were also boring. Promotion was also not very exciting.
'I don't think this is a typical case.'
What was this helplessness that seemed to have accumulated throughout this life?
I thought about consulting a psychiatrist for a while but it was a stupid thing to do. It wasn't like I was going to get fired.
I thought about changing jobs, but I wasn't very motivated. First of all, this company didn't give me time to prepare for a job change.
"… …"
No matter how much I thought about it, no answer came.
Besides having a drink once in a while, was there anything else I could do that interested me?
There was something that flashed through my mind.
Pictures?
'It's too much.'
It was a very expensive hobby. I had neither the time nor the money for that.
However, making money by selling data was not a sustainable job, and it was not something to be done after leaving the company. There were numerous cases where the investment did not earn as much.
"Hmm."
I ordered a rope and painkillers online to be sent to my studio apartment. It was interesting for a while.
Still, I thought about it for a few weeks. It was not an easy decision to make.
However, even after going through that process, on the night of my last weekend, I wasn't in good shape.
Immediately after the implementation, I had a thought of kicking the chair and brushing it short.
'Was this depression?'
However, that thought did not last long.
I ran out of breath…
• * *
"Heok."
I got up as if jumping out of bed. And I put my hand to my neck.
'Breathe…'
It was fine.
"Hoo."
I put my upper body on the head of the bed. My pajamas were soaked with sweat.
What I just experienced… No, is this what I had already been through?
In the meantime, if it was in the form of checking other people's memories, this…
'That's me?'
This was an experience like I was 'recalling' a memory.
But the problem was, I had absolutely no recollection of doing anything like that!
My last memory is of falling asleep while drinking alcohol. I had no memory of the subsequent job or the frantic suicide attempt.
Besides, first of all…
'I've never met 'Park Moondae'.'
It diverged from the first scene.
If I had to do such a foolish thing to lose money, I wouldn't be able to forget it.
However, I first saw it after entering the body of this 'Park Moondae'.
Also, the timing was odd.
"Park Moondae is not dead."
Obviously, in the first "Truth Verification' I saw, Park Moondae made an extreme attempt at the motel with
Sleeping pills…
At that moment, a strange realization came to my mind like a flash.
An attempt was just an attempt.
'Didn't Park Moondae die?'
Let's think about it.
Park Moondae used non-prescription sleeping pills…
So, he just bought a sleep-inducer at the pharmacy.
'Can a person die from over-the-counter medicine?'
I was certain when I started to doubt it. When I searched for it on my smartphone, I was right that no matter how much someone consumed, at most, they couldn't die from side effects.
Then, if I combined the season and date seen in this 'Truth Verification' …
'I met Park Moondae right after his suicide attempt.'
The guy who was out of his mind in front of the motel.
It was… It made sense.
"… …"
And if this guess was correct, it would also mean that I entered the body of Park Moondae, who was not dead.
"Then, where did he go?"
But there was no answer. There had never been one, and there was no way there would be one now.
I called the status window and asked.
'Are you Park Moondae?'
However, there was no response on the status window either. Instead, only strange words appeared.
[-Setting Up-]
I didn't know what kind of fucking bullshit that was, but anyway, there was no sign of letting me know the whereabouts of Park Moondae.
No, it was not only the whereabouts of Park Moondae that were important. What was the meaning of my sudden madness that I just checked?
Did I really do that?
'I've never thought of myself as such a crazy bastard.'
If I did, why the hell did that memory disappear? How could a 29-year-old become the last resort for an idol?
"This is driving me crazy."
I couldn't help but laugh.
Wouldn't it be better to meet Park Moondae? In the first place, there was no 'Ryu Gunwoo' himself, so there was no room to explore anything.
As soon as I first entered Park Moondae's body, I looked for my cell phone number, social media, and even my university, but I didn't even have an account…
'… Wait a moment.'
The data I took was still there.
I brushed my hair.
Then… What if the proposition was changed to 'whether Ryu Gunwoo existed here in the past'?
How to find out any traces of it… there was a way.
-Yes, Moondae. If it's okay… During this Chuseok holiday, how about going to the members' houses rather than the dorm? Oh, my house is fine too.
Ryu Chungwoo's house.
Whether it was a family trip album or a video, there was a possibility that traces of me and my parents would remain.
"… …"
Knock knock.
Then, a knock was heard outside the door.
"Park Moondae? Are you okay??"
It was Bae Sejin. Did he hear me talking to myself?
"… Yes. I have a cramp, wait…"
"Uh, well, do you want me to give you a massage?"
"It's okay. It's gone. Wait a minute."
I got up and changed my clothes.
When I opened the door, Bae Sejin, who was sitting at the kitchen table, was delighted and hesitated.
"You, your clothes…"
"Yes."
Dressed in street clothes, I nodded.
"I'll be out for a while. Because I have someone to meet."
I'd have to check it out.
• * *
It was a particularly peaceful first day of the holiday.
"Kkami, come here."
"Woof!"
Ryu Chungwoo put the black poodle on the sofa. The smell of food and the sound of holiday specials on the TV lifted the mood.
Since it was not his crowded grandfather's house, the feeling was relatively soft.
"Oppa, I'm going!!"
"Okay, have a good trip."
"Aish, I'll be back a little late!"
"Haha, okay."
His younger sister left the house grumbling that she hadn't been able to talk to her older brother who had come home after a long time. Ryu Chungwoo smiled and saw off his sister.
It was a family of four, including a dog, but it was not empty. Warm words were exchanged.
"Okay, how are your dongsaengs with you?"
"They are still good kids. They're nice and…"
Ryu Chungwoo, who inadvertently thought of including Bae Sejin as his younger brother, hurriedly put Bae Sejin in a position of the same age.
Then, he thought of a member who was quite mature even though he was a dongsaeng,
"Yes, since they are good kids, my son was going to invite them over for the holidays~"
"Hahaha."
Just then, his parents brought up the story.
The most mature dongsaeng. Ryu Chungwoo said that he would invite Park Moondae to this house for the holidays.
Naturally, his parents agreed with this idea, but they did not warmly welcome it.
Even for Ryu Chungwoo's close dongsaeng, it was not comfortable to have strangers at home during the holidays.
'Hmm, I think it was better that he went home with Sejin.'
Ryu Chungwoo reflected that Park Moondae was quick-witted, so he might have been rather uncomfortable.
'I'm sure he's doing well.'
Ryu Chungwoo posted a picture of a dog in TeStar's group message room and saw all kinds of holiday foods that came up like a reaction.
"Everyone is doing well."
It seemed like such a peaceful day passed by.
But that evening. The time period just before going into the night…
Ding Dong-
Someone rang the doorbell. And whether it was a delivery person or not, the person outside the door didn't leave.
"I will see who it is."
"Okay, son-"
Ryu Chungwoo got up from the sofa.
'Is it a stalker?'
Ryu Chungwoo had a rather negative premonition and immediately checked who was standing there.
"… !"
An unexpected person was standing outside the intercom.
Ryu Chungwoo immediately opened the door.
"… Moondae?"
"Yes, hyung."
As he said, Park Moondae was standing in front of the gate.
Without any notice. However, not with calm eyes like usual, but with sharp eyes.
"I came to play as you said, can I come in?"
Ryu Chungwoo somehow felt chills.