* * *
I remember being curious and asking.
What is the most offensive swear word to the Elves?
It was a lighthearted question, like when you learn a language from a foreign friend, and the first thing you do is ask about their swear words.
I wondered when else I could ask her, if not now, and it seemed like the perfect topic to break the ice in the middle of a conversation, so I went to the bottom of the pile.
Furthermore, she was one of the few elves I'd ever met who had a mouth to feed, to say the least.
I thought to myself that the phrase "inappropriate" must be reserved for situations like this, and that I was being rude.
Of course, I was coolly rejected at first.
She shouted in my ear with a harsh rebuff, saying that she didn't know what a clergyman would want to know.
After hours of my relentless questioning, she finally told me, much to my disgust.
''I'm going to burn you.''
I never thought I'd hear those words again.
Perhaps it was a bit harsh in front of the elves, who live dozens of times longer than humans.
I will live long enough to see it.
◈◈◈◈
''While you're on the subject of good words, open this door right now----. You burning bastard----.''
I wonder if I'm not Cupid and can just shoot an arrow into a person's heart like this.
I tried to look at the situation in the brightest and most positive light possible, because I felt that if I didn't cloud my thinking with such a generous thought, I would lose my mind right now.
I'm dead. Now.
''----You've got the wrong person.''
Ding!
My consciousness jolted in a loud, somewhat disjointed response to my ant gallstone-sized voice.
Dunk, dunk, dunk!
Like a pot lid over boiling water, I desperately slammed my body against the ominously jerking iron door with all my might, with all the strength I could muster.
A trial. Yes, this is a trial.
This is no mere doorknob, but the latch to Pandora's Box, the box that is said to contain all the plagues and evils that threaten mankind.
For the sake of the well-being and peace of this world, I, the last bastion of humanity, cannot be broken here and now.
Kwakwang!
It was then.
Immediately after I felt the strange sensation of floating, the sense of crisis within me let out a shrill scream.
It was only when I realized that the door I'd been gripping so tightly had risen with my body that I'd fallen to the floor, sprawled on my back.
It wasn't the dull pain pressing into my lower back, nor was it the harsh crunch of the old iron door as it gave way.
Eye level.
Those yellow eyes, hugging the dented iron gate like a teddy bear, staring down at me, sprawled on the ground.
It was making me realize that I was a prey with a predator right in front of me.
It seemed impossible to turn away from this horrifying reality that was right in front of me.
''You----!''
His eyes widened, and it was all too clear what emotion that ghastly expression, chewing on his lower lip, was narrating.
That was Apis' habit when he was angry to the extreme.
I hadn't seen her that angry since I'd healed her of the hydra's venom, only to have the venom transfer to my own body.
No, I thought the mask would protect me.
Tut-tut-tut.
A chill ran down my spine at the creepy sound as it slowly closed the distance between us.
And just like a hedgehog curling itself into a ball in the face of its natural enemy, straightening its spines, and using the dented door as a shield to hide behind, I was in the best defensive posture I could muster at the moment.
''No! You people, what the hell do you think you're doing!''
With a shout that sounded like he'd been boiled in a train wreck, the old bookstore owner stormed onto the blue stage.
''If you're going to break down other people's doors like this, how will I do business? Do you have any idea how many books I'll have to sell to pay for this door? Don't you two stay right there, I'm going to call the guards and bash your heads in!''
The blood rose to his neck, and his anger was justified.
I'm sure I'd feel pretty good about having my door kicked down by an unannounced stranger.
But like this brave man, I don't think I'd be able to take out my anger on the person who broke the door down.
Nor would he.
I knew all too well that the man who had broken that sturdy door was at the top of the food chain, capable of blowing up this entire store, let alone the door, if he so chose.
If I had been in that position, I would have been more likely to just sit there and take it all in as if it had been a natural disaster, rather than boldly asserting my grievances.
''I'm sorry. The owner. I broke the door. I'll pay you compensation. Please take it.''
''What? Restitution? How much do you think this door cost? This door was hand-crafted by skilled dwarven craftsmen and is the finest----.''
''I don't need change.''
Ah Jae nervously took the pouch of gold coins that Apis casually handed over, checked its contents, and suddenly stiffened.
Books are thin, lightweight subjects that are worth more than their weight in gold, and bookstores, the most tempting targets for thieves, have to pay a high price for their security.
So it's hard to imagine that a penny or two would be enough to cover the cost of a bookstore in the capital of a country.
''I apologize for the inconvenience, sir. If you will excuse me, sir, I will sincerely hope that you will visit our bookstore again in the future.''
It was the perfect etiquette for a gentleman of a prestigious noble family.
The bookseller's movements as he bowed to Apis, with a dazzling smile that gave away the amount of gold in his pockets, were not only graceful, but also beautiful.
Bookseller. I heard you were feeling down about business lately, but now you seem happy as if you have the world at your feet. I'm glad to hear that.
With that, he wordlessly wished the bookseller a blessing and turned to leave.
Then.
''Where!''
''Hic!''
Bang! KANG!
An unidentified projectile shot at me from the outside of my consciousness, and I barely managed to block the unexpected assault with my hand, which quickly raised the iron door.
The projectile that pierced the thick iron door like a dagger turned out to be three or four bookmarks.
I don't know whether to marvel at her skill at piercing steel with paper, or at her skill at aiming for the exact spot where my tendons are, but I'm left floundering in a stupor of unreality.
In a tone of voice that suggested she was barely, if at all, controlling her rising anger, she issued me an ultimatum.
''You----! Come over here when you're on good terms----! Before I snap every tendon in your limbs----!''
No, you didn't say anything nice.
Before he could finish his bad words, he was carrying a dented iron gate as a shield and stomping the ground as hard as he could with his back to her.
That one's back should never be turned to a beast of prey was one of those essential rules of common sense that only three or four childhood visits to the animal kingdom should have taught me.
The reason I had taken the foolhardy option of running away, even at such a risk, was because I had good reason to do so.
The Apis do not have bows and arrows now.
Among the elves, whose skill in the art of archery is considered unrivaled by any other race, Apis's prowess was so exceptional that it was publicly acceptable to describe it as exceptional.
So much so, in fact, that it would be no exaggeration to call him the greatest archer in the history of the Isles.
But.
She was the best archer in the Isles, and that was back when there were bows and arrows.
Just as a beast that has had its teeth and claws removed can hardly be called a beast at all, so I would argue that Apis in her current state, unarmed and unarmored, is a hundred times better off sitting still, at least until the option of flight is exhausted.
You have a 0% chance of running away from an Apis with a bow and arrow, but you have at least a 10% chance of running away from an Apis without a bow and arrow.
Even if Apis is a bit of a dick, there's a good chance you'll be able to use 'em in the city.
The odds, no, the hope, would be good enough.
''Fire. Come-.''
There was a time when I thought that too.
* * *