I sat down in my small kitchen where there was no light, I was looking down at the card that Mr. Langston gave me as if there is the answer to all my questions there.
My fingers was tracing as if I was copying the printed letters of his name, my mind was just filled with questions and a lot of doubts.
The offer was just playing in my head over and over again like a music that I could not ignore, tempting me and affecting me at the same time.
It was almost midnight, and I could not get any sleep, the apartment was so silent for the faint sound of the refrigerator.
In the next room, I could only hear my mother's soft and irregular breaths.
The sound was just both a comfort and a reminder, a reminder of why this decision was giving me too much headache.
My mother had been growing weaker every single day.
The doctors had been very clear with their words: without constant, continuous and specialized care, her health would only be getting worse every single day.
But all my works, all my late nights shifts and even my double shifts, had not even come any closer to covering all the bills that's in front of me.
And now here was Mr. Langston, offering me everything I needed on a platter of gold.
But it came with a huge price. And it was a price I was not sure I could really pay and live with like seriously.
I was thinking about his words over and over again, the way he had talked to me so straightforward, very smooth and with so much confidence, as if my decision should be very easy for me.
As If I should be appreciating him for telling me that. All he wanted was a little information—"harmless observation," that was what he said it was.
But yet, something about it made me feel as if I will be crossing the line I would never ever return from.
I squeezed my hand as if I wanted to give out a blow as I was feeling very frustrated.
I wished I could really talk to someone about it, someone who might help me see things more clearly than the way I am seeing it right now.
But the truth of the matter was, I did not even have anyone I could trust with my secrets.
My mother did not know anything about Mr. Langston's offer, and I would not even want to worry her more about the issue on ground.
I had always known and learned it long time ago to always handle things on my own.
"Maybe…" I murmured to myself, I'm just almost very scared to voice out what was in my mind.
"Maybe it is not that bad. Maybe I can do this, just at least once. Just enough to help my Mom to recover her illness…"
But even as I said it, I was feeling a mixed form of guilt in side my stomach.
Would I just be really willing to trade my good character for money, even if it was only for my mother's sake?
I closed my eyes, taking away all the forms of doubts.
Just then, my mother coughed in a gentle way from the other room, a weak, fragile and painful sound that cut through everything I was thinking like a knife.
My determination was shaking the moment I heard that.
I felt the heavy weight of the thought settling all over me, and I knew that any decision I was making, it would definitely change my life and definitely the life of my mother forever and ever.
With a very deep breath, I looked down at Mr. Langston's card one more time.
I ran my fingers on the number, I was memorizing all the digits and I felt the smooth surface as if it might somehow affect me.
I told myself I will be thinking about the matter, but inside of me, I knew the decision had already started to form in me, moving slowly into my heart like a shadow affecting me.