Yes you read the title right. I broke my ding-dong. My Thor's hammer. My purple-headed yogurt slinger. My heat seeking moisture missile. My DNA rifle.
Yes, I broke my penis.
Right next to my crush no less. It was absolutely humiliating, and she definitely knew it happened too. But I should probably back up, and start from the beginning.
❧
First off, my name is Adam. Yes, the same name as the author of this book. Coincidence? Maybe. Is this a true story? I'm not telling you that, we barely even know each other! At least take me out to dinner first, you dirty dog. But anyways, this all started on a senior field trip to an amusement park, "Islands Peak". Pretty cool name right? Well, I fucking hate roller coasters, and the "peak" part of the name was no joke because this place had some of the highest roller coasters in the USA. Also did I mention I'm afraid of heights? For some reason it doesn't affect me on planes or when I am high up on a cliff side, but it definitely affects me on roller coasters. Not to mention I get sick as hell from loops and spins and flips, I can only ride a few of those before I get deathly sick, like oh shit I can barely walk sick.
We had a few options to choose from for our senior trip, and our entire grade got to vote on which trip we went on. There were hiking trips, professional sporting events, and even water parks on the ballot. I am sure you can guess what I chose, being the distinguished gentleman I am. Hell, as I was voting I was even daydreaming about rubbing sunscreen on some of the girls in my classes backs, shading them from the sun, and maybe even getting lucky and sneaking a peak of their asses when they get up from their beach chairs. Of course I wouldn't look long enough for them to notice, like I said, I am a distinguished gentleman!
But of course, the winning option was an amusement park. The one thing I wanted the *least* out of all the options. It also won by a landslide, with the girls overwhelmingly voting for it. I think the girls wanted a chance to see who in our grade was manly enough to take on the scariest rides, and which guys would bitch out, so they could toss them aside before heading to college. Those evil bitches, I swear I will get you back! No I won't, I am honestly kind of a pussy when it comes to interacting with girls. I am not totally afraid to talk to them, and I do have some mildly close girls-who-are-friends that I interact with, but I don't know the first thing about how to flirt with them. Most of our conversations are pretty surface level, other than the occasional drama they like to clue me in on. Most of my girl-friends call me "girl-coded", or whatever the fuck that means. I hope they don't think I am gay, because I am *very much* not. I am probably the most horny person I know, I just have no clue how to turn a girl-friend into something more.
I spend 99% of my free time with the guys on my baseball team, and the ones I am closest with are just as hopeless as me. They also have some girl-friends, but the same goes for them. Just surface level conversations, a "hey how's it going?" When walking by each other in the hall, that sort of thing. Most of the girls we talk to are on the softball team, so they're probably all lesbians anyways. Also they are not really my type. These girls are all thick, muscle mommies, with a lot of meat to hit that softball as far as they can. I am more into daintier types, girls who have a cute face, a bubble butt, and some peach-sized jugs. Hey don't get me wrong! Plenty of guys like the thicker girls, and the ones on the softball team aren't bad looking by any means, but like I said, just not my type.
The girl who is most my type though is one of my best friends growing up, Elle. Her and I go way back, and we were even neighbors in our elementary school years, before she moved across town and started going to another school in my district. I was heartbroken when that happened, to be honest. I had always had a crush on her, and I still do. She is a firecracker, figuratively and literally. She has dirty blonde hair with a tint of red, and she is covered in freckles like a proper Irishman. I've always found her freckles cute, even though she got teased for it by the other girls in our elementary school. I would always tell her, "Don't listen to them, I think your freckles are cute" and would always get back a "Shut up!" From her, with her turning to hide her blushing cheeks. I always felt I was so suave when I said stuff like that, and I could say that stuff to her because we had been friends for so long.
I didn't really get to see her as much after she moved, but my crush for her always stayed. The way she would tease me and get me to go on little adventures with her always made me feel special, and my crush only grew because of that. She was always a bit of a tomboy, but I didn't mind. I didn't start to really notice her until she came over for my 14th birthday, after not having seen her in a couple of years. She had definitely grown, if you know what I mean, and my crush only got worse from there on out. Once we entered high school and both of our parents got us phones, we started texting each other here and there. She was actually my first contact on my phone that wasn't family. We would always try to find time to hang, but as we got older and our schedules got more complicated, we just stopped hanging out that much. She's got her group of friends at North High, and I have mine at South High. That is the way of the world, I guess.
But god was on my side this time, because I got a text from Elle the same day they were voting on the senior trip for their school. Turns out, the girls had coordinated across schools and swung the vote for the amusement park for both Elle's school and mine. Those bitches wanted a bigger crop of men to work with, I bet. Oh well, this worked out in my favor, so I guess you girls get off easy this time! The schools were going to do a joint senior trip, to save money on chaperones or something I guess. All the better for me, because I got a text from Elle that went -
"Hey! Just heard that we are going to do a field trip to Island peaks too, so looks like we will be seeing each other there! Lucky for you, my group of friends are grounded for the month so looks like I will be latching on to you for the day, hope you don't mind! ;)"
"Nope! Don't mind at all. You might have to deal with some of the baseball guys though if you're okay with that, I've talked about you a few times and they still don't think you're real. Also why are your friends grounded?"
"They got caught smoking weed behind the gas station next to North, those poor girls. Luckily I wasn't there, I was still recovering from a cold. Still have a few G's hidden in Mr. Snuffles though, so I need to find some new smoking buddies. Maybe you and I could spark it up a couple times this summer?"
Holy shit, I fucking hope so! Obviously I responded with yes, but I kept it cool and didn't try to seem too interested, gotta look mysterious after all. But oh my god, looks like her and I were going together on this field trip. My heart was legitimately pumping out of its chest I was so excited. Fuck those roller coasters! I'll ride any of those hoes if it means I get to spend more time with Elle. Plus, I didn't want to look like a pussy, I've got to show her how manly this distinguished gentleman can truly be! My "little guy" down stairs started putting up a tent as I thought more about it. Elle used to be just "cute", but now she is downright gorgeous. Not only does she have a very good looking face, but her body is just my type. She has a nice set of some perky pears on her, and her ass looks like she had two giant bubbles from some bubble wrap hiding under her jeans. She is my goddess, for which my lowly meat monster worships. Not to get too horny on ya, but I would let her cut off my left nut if it meant I could be with her forever. Not my right one though, I gotta have at least one jewel in the family chest.
I immediately started going through my clothes to pick out which ones would look best on this dat- er I mean field trip. I knew all the guys were going to be so jealous that I got to hang out with a girl for this. I was definitely not letting Elle anywhere near them, that's for damn sure. Don't want them ruining this opportunity! Their virgin boy stench might be too much for her, but if it's just me around then I think she will have a good time. I mean I am also a virgin, but that doesn't really matter to the story. Maybe this trip would be the start of some sexy, steamy, Elle filled summer? God, I fucking hoped so. I didn't plan on confessing to her my feelings on this trip, I didn't want to look too desperate. But I did want her to have a good enough time that she would want to go on an "official" date with me. Things should have gone smoothly enough, since I have known her for so long. She is about the only girl I can truly be myself around and not stiffen up. Well I mean my penis sometimes stiffens up but my body and mind don't, ya know. Plus I have gotten pretty good at hiding my boners, I would consider myself a certified pro.
The outfit I chose was a nice Hawaiian shirt, with some khaki shorts. Not too flashy, and the Hawaiian shirts design was so that nobody would be able to see my sweat. That was very important, because I was definitely going to sweat, being next to the love of my life for a whole day. I threw on the best, and only, cologne that I had, and made sure to double and triple check the fit in the mirror. I anxiously awaited for this trip as the next few weeks flew by, and finally, today was the day. IT. WAS. GO TIME!!!