In the deepest depths of my mind, where memories intertwine with the shimmering fabric of imagined futures, I stumbled upon the elusive essence of my ego.
It emerged from the shadows of my thoughts, a complex tapestry woven from past experiences and dreams yet to unfold.
The flood of incomprehensible memories had carried it here, crushed by the immense force of abyssal energy. Under the insurmountable pressure, it was slowly breaking and eroding away. Soon, my senses of self would be completely swallowed, assimilated into one with those delusions.
Yet, I'm still here, Roland is still here, and my unwavering will was the thing keeping it intact. But it was only intact inside; the unbreakable self of it has been eroded to the point of irreversible.
The memory of my former self was leaking out, bringing along the nostalgia of the distant past, the worst memories that I had buried.
There, I saw myself sitting on top of the gray castle wall with a silver-haired boy. We were talking and looking at the peace of his hometown—Rivia.
It was so… peaceful and pretty.
The early spring breeze danced gently across the landscape, carrying with it the sweet scent of blooming flowers. The sun shone brightly in a clear blue sky, casting warm rays that enveloped the verdant field in a golden glow.
This lush expanse was alive with the sounds of nature—birds chirping and the distant lowing of cattle grazing contentedly.
Farmers, clad in worn but sturdy clothing, worked diligently in the rich soil, their hands calloused yet skilled from years of toil.
Despite the hard and strenuous nature of their labor, they wore smiles that reflected their connection to the land and to each other. Laughter intermingled with the rustling of leaves, creating an atmosphere of joy and camaraderie as they toiled under the watchful eye of the sun, nurturing the earth that provided for their families.
Oh, it was so beautiful. How much I treasured it.
Seeing Rivia in it's former day made me feel a sense of peace, of contentment and dazzled in the stillness of it.
But the boy beside me is different; he didn't seem to enjoy the scenery as I did.
"Brother!…hey brother!" The boy saw the airhead me and waved his hand, calling out to my absent-minded self. He was smiling cheerfully.
"What is it, Renauld?" But by contrast, I asked back with a poker-emotionless face.
By then, I had been training for a few years. And those experiences in combat had eroded my innocence. This neutral face is all that is ever-present.
Still, Renauld, being the sweet boy he was, was grinning back at me with his radiant energy. He held his hand up to the sky and said: "My father said that he will train me to become a knight soon!"
He was five years old at the time, so in accordance with the Kylian's custom, it should be time for training.
However, I failed to see why he was so excited about training. So I put one hand on my chin and asked: "Why the excitement?" Completely uninterested.
Renauld, however, was a much simpler child than I had assumed—simple and innocent to the point of being endearing.
"Roland, I want to beat you in a fight, that is why!" Responding to my question, he said amiably, his expression was devoid of serious contemplation.
His response made me snicker a little, and I said: "Ho~ that one attitude you got."
"If you wanted to beat me, then you gotta train hard."
In turn, Renauld smirked back, emulating my weird arrogance, and proclaimed loudly: "Of course, I will become the greatest knight and protect everyone!"
"yeah, whatever." That unironic statement made me smile a little.
Such a silly child, naive, ignorant, and a bit stupid.
But I don't hate it. Because I too, wish to be the greatest knight ever, to become so strong that no one can hurt the one I loved. And one day, if I was able to realize my dream, he would be my second in command. Yeah, that should be what had happened.
But reality is far from dream.
I wish he remained as that child, smiling foolishly, wishing he could beat me, wishing to be the greatest knight.
And I wished I could be proud of him.
But he ran away from the dream we once had.
"Why do you have to run away, Renauld?!" The scene changed as my ego began to shake violently after I remembered what happened later in my life.
On the fateful night that determined the outcome of the war, I was deep within enemy territory, carrying out a last-ditch attack to destroy their supplies and assassinate their queen.
It turned out to be a remarkable success; shortly after the devastating attack, we emerged victorious in the war. This triumph, however, came at a significant personal cost. To ensure our victory, I had to make the difficult decision to leave Rivia behind. It was not an easy choice, knowing that I would be leaving those I cared about to navigate their own challenges without my support. The weight of that responsibility lingered with me, but I still decided to do so. Why?
I have faith that Renauld will eventually come back to assist with our defense efforts. Although he has traveled overseas and has since gone missing, I refuse to believe that he is dead.
His absence has been troubling, but I hold on to the hope that he is out there, navigating whatever challenges he faces, and will soon return to lend his strength and experience when we need it most. I even deployed troops to find him since the beginning of the war, hoping that he would come back. At least once; just one is enough.
Yet, as I reflect on the past, I realize that was a mistake; that boy, once filled with the noble spirit and chivalrous heart reminiscent of a bygone era, was no longer alive.
The Renauld I knew has faded into memory, now reduced to a mere shadow of his former self—a coward, lacking the courage that once defined him.
He never answered my calling and deserted his family.
After the fight with the demons's queen, I returned as soon as possible, not even resting for a minute. But I was late, and what I found was hell; the town folk were massacred.
Thousands of bodies were scattered on the blood-soaked ground, their groans and agonized screams resonating in the blood-stained air and the repulsive red miss.
The town, which had once been a hive of activity and happy citizens, was now a horrifying scene that demonstrated the war's greatest savagery.
There was no early spring breeze, no sunshine, no floral smell; only death was present.
It horrified me.
"No, no, no!" I had never before screamed like that in my life.
In an attempt to locate any survivors, I run and lead the troops. However, the outcome was dire; very few people made it out alive.
And that is when I saw the mangled, violated corpse of my aunt and uncle, my little cousin—the family of Renauld. They…
They…was.
"Ugh." My ego sook even more.
I don't want to remember it, not even one bit. Even for me, the sheer horror is too much. This was intolerable, as if the demons were exacting vengeance for the destruction of their kin.
Fuck.
I couldn't have saved them.
I couldn't save them.
I couldn't save them… No, I could save them.
If I hadn't decided to push forward with the final assault at that crucial moment, perhaps they would have had a chance to survive.
I directed all my anger and bitterness toward Renauld, believing that he was the one responsible for the tragedy. Yet, deep down, a part of me understood the uncomfortable truth: it was my decision that led to their demise. I replayed the events in my mind, grappling with the heavy weight of guilt that settled in my chest. I could have intervened; I could have made a different choice. It was my fault that they were gone, and that realization gnawed at me relentlessly, a constant reminder of my failure.
Indeed, it was my fault.
"...Hah…"
"Let's just wake up."
Overwhelmed by the depth of my despair, I felt as if I were sinking into an abyss from which there was no return. At that moment, I shut my imaginary eyes tightly, willing the world around me to fade away, and clamped down on this painful memory as if sealing it in a vault deep within my mind.
I packed my shattered shell, the jumbled mess of fate, and this leaking memory inside, sealing them away in a corner of my consciousness. And then, with a long sigh, I reabsorbed them into myself.
Swallowing the long and gray dream, I woke up to reality after escaping from an unending slumber, so long that I almost became one with it.
But this is not important now, as I'm awake.
I opened my eyes and looked at the fancy ceiling of my bedroom, feeling as if I had slept for a thousand years.
I felt as though someone had stabbed me in the head. No, it was worse, more like my brain was broken down and reassembled unnaturally into a broken mess.
And a mess it was; all of the things I experienced were placed randomly, not following a canonical order.
I shook my head, attempting to sort through my jumbled memory to determine what was true and what was merely a hallucination through what seemed to be an eternity.
Finally, I recalled opening the book yesterday and then getting overloaded with foreign information. Why, though? That was nonsensical. I shouldn't be that desperate to open the book.
Something crucial is missing; what drove me to open it? I cannot think it out.
Furthermore, although those fragmented scenes I am witnessing appear to be the future, they are actually branching out and convergent toward a single point. A true conclusion that brought everyone happiness: accept me.
It sure has a deeper component, but I am unable to identify it.
Not to mention it could all be an illusion, all fake. Trusting this right away is a really bad idea. However, it is also not a good idea to dismiss it entirely.
Indeed, nothing is coincidental; everything may have a purpose.
I was deep in thought when the alarm clock went off, and it reminded me of something crucial:
"Today is the first day of school…"
"First day…"
Yes, the day that I have been waiting for so long is today. The day I could start to enjoy a relatively peaceful time.
Well, that is before the fallout with Theresa and the opening of that book. And talking about the book, I did see something happening today in those memories.
The terrorist attack on the academy from the Brotherhood of Revelation.
"Tck, I should have Kiara get rid of them." I clicked my tough and cursed at that despicable name.
Brotherhood of Revelation—a bunch of insane lunatics lurking in the shadow of the kingdom, worshiping demonic gods, spreading gibberish, and trying to overthrow the hierarchy.
They should have been wiped out by now, but the military and I were too focused on the demons and ignored them. As a result, the war has given them greater power, and they are striving to accomplish their goal.
And now they are a pain in the ass to deal with.
Oh great, it's the first day after a long time of focusing on duty, and I have to deal with terrorists.
"Give me a break, please."
Luckily, they probably won't know that I will attend the academy yet. I should be able to strike them down before this all happens. Yes, I could attack them first and drive them to the guillotine.
This will be an excellent method to determine whether or not those illusions are real. And after confirming it, I could make a plan to avoid the worst ending.
Heretic bastards, I'm coming for you.
I walked out of bed with a sly smile on my face and began the day. Not knowing that this would be the beginning of the most difficult period of my life.
***