The silence of the night grew thicker, hanging heavy in the air, while the sound of crickets and waves crashing in the distance became the only rhythm that could be heard. In my cramped cell, which I considered my room, I just lay but unable to sleep. I was accompanied by various sounds that were so familiar: the exhausted snoring of other inmates, curled up in their sleep, and the sound of someone's breathing trying to find comfort in solitude, tracing the boundaries of intimacy in a narrow and stuffy room.
For us, prisoners, finding peace is a struggle in itself. In the midst of this darkness, self-pleasure is a way to gain a little personal pleasure, a little escape from the oppressive reality. In this confined world, where everything we want often seems far away and unattainable, this form of comfort is one way to calm down, at least for a while. Even though we are aware that it is a sin and only a momentary escape, it is our way of feeling a little more alive, a little more human in circumstances that seem to suppress our entire existence.
Disturbed
My mind was still focused on the tension during the sharing session, coupled with the dark and stuffy atmosphere of the cell, making every second feel like a burden pressing on my mind, blurring the boundaries between reality and imagination. The questions just rolled around in my head, as if there was no end.
"Why did she come back into my life? Why is she here? what's wrong with her?" I thought silently, staring at the cell ceiling which was starting to feel oppressive.
"Why does she have to come now, disturbing my wounds that haven't fully healed? Can she realize that every meeting with him only scratches new wounds in my heart?" I asked myself, trying to find the answer among the shadows of the night.
Sometimes, I feel so trapped by feelings of guilt, what sins I have committed in the past, so that my fate is like this. However, I realized that it could be that guilt that I have to release first, before I can truly feel peace. Sin, like fire, can burn and cleanse, but it can also consume and destroy if we don't know how to deal with it.
My mind was spinning, replaying the moment of the meeting with Madam Hera. "What should I have said earlier? How could I possibly continue the conversation with him again, she was the one who ruined my life, she was so full of hatred. On the other hand, I have to reveal the truth for my freedom, but how?" The words seemed to get stuck in my throat, stifled by the cold, silent walls of the cell. All the memories I tried to bury began to resurface, bringing with them an unbearable feeling of confusion.
Lying on the top bunk, Dina, my best friend in prison, watched me with a curious look. Her voice sounded soft but alert when she greeted me, "Sis, who is she? Why she really hate you ?"
I was silent, pretending to be asleep, not answering Dina's question. But in my mind it continues to be restless "Madam Hera may hate me, but do I deserve to be hated if she knows the truth? I am an innocent girl, but why does this guilt continue to haunt me? As a human being, does she not have feelings of compassion or compassion for me" I thought again, trying to find an answer that felt increasingly out of reach.
But I couldn't answer. I was tongue-tied, as if the words were drowning in a sea of mixed feelings. Dina was still waiting, but I could only remain silent. That question—about why Madam Hera hates me—is the same question that is circling in my mind, and I don't even know the answer. I should be the one who hates him, she ruined my life.
On the one hand, I know she is a judge whose life is filled with big decisions. But on the other hand, she was a mother who lost her child—and I, perhaps, was the cause of all her devastation.
"Why can't I encounter her? What should I say? Is her hatred really because of me? Or is there something else I don't know yet?" I thought silently.
The confusion that continues to haunt me makes it difficult to breathe. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from the reality that was now staring me straight in the eye. The darkness of the cell seemed to be a mirror of my soul which was drowning in uncertainty.
"Why do I have to bear all this? How can I live with this burden every day?" My mind kept asking questions non-stop.
"This is a big mistake! Is this all just a big misunderstanding? Is it possible to fix everything? how to get out of this nightmare?" I thought, feeling the pain deepen.
I imagine that in another cell, Madam Hera is also struggling with her own thoughts. Those angry, hateful eyes may now begin to reflect on the events that happened years ago, when she saw me—the girl she once knew in the courtroom—and may begin to question whether everything she believed was true.
Time passed in eerie silence. My eyes were wide awake, glued to the dark ceiling of the cell. Thoughts about my meeting with Madam Hera kept spinning in my head.
I heard the sound of the boots of a guard officer on patrol and suddenly the flashlight flashed and her voice boomed, breaking the silence, "Hey, you! Go to sleep!"
The sound jolted me back to the reality of this prison, but I still couldn't close my eyes. In the distance, we could faintly hear the laughter and conversation of the officers who were still on guard, laughter which for them might be an escape from the silence of the night, but for us, it was a reminder of the differences in the lives we now live.
"They don't know what it's like to be stuck here? They don't understand the sadness and pain we go through every day?"
I rolled over on the hard bed without a mattress, trying to find comfort, but the uncertainty that clouded my mind made sleep impossible. Here, behind bars, time passes slowly, but anxiety races relentlessly. I know tomorrow morning will come too soon, bringing with it the exhausting and meaningless routine of prison.
Vast of rice fields await tomorrow. The merciless sticky earth, where our bodies were forced to work under the hot sun. Shove the ground until the skin peels off. It's all an endless cycle, a cycle that constantly reminds us that freedom is an impossible dream.
My anxiety became more and more intense. I heard the sound of officers at the guard post laughing freely, talking freely without any burden, while we were trapped in a hopeless circle, just waiting for time that never took its side.
"How will I survive in this place after Madam Hera arrives? Is there still hope for a better future for me?" I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to drown myself in the dark night. But the image of Madam Hera's face, angry and hurt, came back to haunt me. I can't run from the past. Not here. Not now.
Dark images about Madam Hera in the past reappear. Her face, her voice, everything is still clear in my mind. "Madam Hera, you ruined my whole life."This heart feels tight again, as if an old wound that has just begun to heal is wide open again."Hopefully time will inspire, melt the frozen side of your heart," I whispered. Maybe indeed, there is a part of me that still hopes, even though it feels futile. Hope that time can change everything, even the worst.
"Hopefully a miracle will come,"I continued in my heart, sending a small prayer even though no one could hear."Until finally you know what really happened."Maybe she will never understand, or maybe one day, she will see and feel the same thing, but now, what I am facing is myself and what is left of everything that has passed.
Calm self
That night, when the silence was tense, suddenly my thoughts stopped for a moment, I didn't want to be depressed, I didn't want to repeat my previous mistakes, always running away from reality, trying to end my life, I couldn't avoid all of this, I had to face it.
Like finding a glimmer of light. I remembered the words of a wise man I had heard in this prison, long before all this happened. The words that seemed to come from the depths of the soul, shook my heart.
"What are you looking for outside yourself? What do you hope for from this mortal world? The path you are taking is not the way out, but the way in," said the voice, in my mind, that felt so real.
I paused for a moment, contemplating. What exactly did she mean? I've spent so much time wondering about what will happen out there, about the freedom I long for, about a future that always feels hazy. But, is that really what I'm looking for? Freedom from physical prison or freedom from the shackles of my own mind?
"Looking for freedom outside yourself is like looking for water in the desert," continued the voice. "The water is in your heart. Try to delve into yourself, and you will find true peace."
Those words, even though they came from far away, seemed to provide an answer that had never been spoken. I realized that all this time I had been too focused on the outside world, on what I could achieve with my body, even though what was more important was what was inside me. True freedom is not being free from this prison, but being free from the mental prison that I created myself.
I closed my eyes and tried to reflect. Maybe it's true, I thought, Freedom is not always about escaping reality, but about accepting reality and finding peace in it.
"Life is not about changing the world outside, but changing the world inside you," the voice said again, and for the first time in a while, I felt a little calm. It's like a weight has been lifted from my heart. Maybe, just maybe, I thought, the way out of this prison is the way into myself.
I opened my eyes and faced the dark ceiling of the cell. This heart may still be full of wounds, with memories that cannot be erased, with longing that never really goes away. But, for the first time, I felt like there was a little light creeping through the darkness.
Step by step, I will find this way. Step by step, towards a peace that depends on nothing but myself.
However, among the darkness and despair, sometimes a glimmer of hope appears, like a small star shining in the dark night sky. "Maybe, there's something waiting out there, something better than this prison," I said to myself, trying to convince myself. Even though that hope felt fragile, as if it could shatter at any time, there was still a sense that maybe one day, this life would offer something more than this despair.
However, even so, I try to keep hope alive. Although small and often fragile, that hope is the only thing that can keep me from sinking into despair. "Severy day is a struggle,"I said to myself, trying to find strength in the midst of the confining darkness."And maybe one day, I will find the answers to all my questions and prayers."
Here, in the uncertainty that continues to lurk, I begin to learn to find strength within myself. Even though this space feels oppressive, even though the tense silence seems to swallow every step, I know that I have to keep fighting. Even if it's just one small step each day, I have to keep moving forward. "The future may be uncertain,"I thought, "But I know that I have to keep walking, step by step, towards the light of hope that may still be hidden."
This journey is full of confusion, fear and uncertainty. However, in the midst of darkness that seemed endless, I tried to find light—even if it was only a little. And maybe, at some point, I'll get to a place where things start to feel brighter. Until then, I will keep going, holding on to hope that may not be clear, but is still there, guiding my steps even if only step by step.
Tomorrow morning, we will carry out our routine in the fields again, as usual. But that night, I just remained silent, locked in a physical and mental cell, trapped in past mistakes and future uncertainty. Meanwhile Dina, even though she didn't get an answer, remained by my side, providing rare warmth in this cold place like prison.
May God Almighty open her heart and also open my heart.