The world came back in a blur of white light and strange sounds. For a moment, I thought I was still lying on the street, that I'd somehow survived the crash. The memory was crystal clear: a little girl chasing her balloon toward traffic, my legs moving before my brain could catch up, and that split-second decision that probably qualified me for either sainthood or the Darwin Awards. I remembered the glare of headlights, the satisfying thud of the girl landing safely on the sidewalk, and the decidedly less satisfying feeling of weightlessness right before impact. I'd been sure that was it—done, over, time to meet my maker and explain why I thought jumping in front of a truck was a good career move.
But reality had other plans, and they were stubbornly persistent. I squirmed, trying to get comfortable, only to realize my limbs weren't exactly following the manual. Everything felt like I was puppeteering a body made of overcooked spaghetti, my arms flopping about with all the grace of a drunk octopus. And there was this... weight in my lungs that felt like it needed release. Before I could process what was happening, I was screaming—actually screaming, at the top of my tiny lungs—and had absolutely no idea why. It was like my body was running on some sort of factory default setting: Step 1 - Exist, Step 2 - Scream about it.
My eyes were still squinting against the harsh fluorescent lights, struggling to focus like a cheap camera. Slowly, things started to come into view, though "things" is generous when everything looked like an impressionist painting of reality. I saw two blurry figures above me, one with dark hair and exhausted eyes, looking down with a strange mixture of awe and terror. My breath hitched. That face... That was my mom. Only she looked younger than I'd ever remembered her, like someone had hit the rewind button on time itself.
Oh, no. Oh hell no.
I tried to take a deep breath to calm myself, but it just came out as another scream. Because apparently, that's all I could do now—scream and drool. It was all too real. Somehow, against every logical possibility and law of physics I'd learned in my previous life, I was here—in a hospital room, wrapped in a blanket that felt like it was made from discount sandpaper, and small. Devastatingly small.
The two people looking down at me were definitely my parents, though younger than I'd ever known them. My dad looked exactly as he had in those embarrassing family photos from the '90s—hair still thick enough to qualify as a fire hazard, no grey in sight, and wearing a grin so wide it threatened to escape the boundaries of his face. It was the same grin I remembered from every dad joke, every proud moment, every small victory. Despite my current predicament, it tugged at whatever heartstrings I had in this tiny body.
My mom's hand brushed against my cheek, and though I couldn't exactly smile (apparently, that's an advanced skill I'd have to relearn), I felt a warmth that transcended my current state of existential crisis. It was like a dream, one I was half-tempted to believe was just the result of some really good painkillers from the accident. But then my mom's soft, exhausted voice floated down to me: "He's perfect."
Perfect? Lady, I'm a thirty-something software developer trapped in a baby's body. The only thing perfect about this situation is its complete absurdity.
The reality sank in harder than a lead balloon in quicksand. I wasn't just reliving memories or having some near-death experience. I was really, truly, somehow… a baby. Again. It was like being enrolled back in kindergarten, except this time I had to start with the tutorial level: Basic Motor Functions 101.
The memories from my previous life hit me like a PowerPoint presentation from hell, each slide more depressing than the last: my thirties spent in a cubicle farm, debugging code that someone else had written while hopped up on energy drinks and desperation; watching years of effort go unnoticed faster than a period in a Microsoft Word document; countless hours trying to keep up in a rat race that made actual rats look like they had their lives together. I'd spent so long running that I'd lost track of what I was even running toward. Every chance at happiness, every opportunity for a decent job that didn't involve selling my soul to the corporate gods, even every attempt at a relationship that lasted longer than my Amazon Prime subscription—all of it had slipped through my fingers like water through a colander.
And now, here I was, getting a do-over that I never asked for, in a body that couldn't even hold its own head up. Talk about a system reboot.
I lay there helpless, listening to my parents' voices mix with the beeps and whirs of hospital machinery, feeling like some strange hybrid between Benjamin Button and a science experiment gone horribly wrong. Part of me wanted to laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. Another part wanted to scream again—this time, not because of baby reflexes, but out of pure, unfiltered disbelief at the cosmic joke I'd become.
But eventually, through the blur and confusion, one clear thought rose above the rest: This is a second chance. And not just any second chance—this was the mother of all do-overs, the ultimate ctrl+z on life itself.
I tried to laugh, but all that came out was a strange little gurgle that made my dad's eyes light up like Christmas had come early. Here I was, lying helpless in a baby's body, with the whole world laid out before me like a blank canvas. If I really was back at the beginning, I didn't have to sit around waiting for life to chew me up and spit me out again. I could make different choices, take different roads, maybe even invest in Bitcoin when it was still worth less than a cup of coffee.
I'd started making lists in my head of all the things I'd do differently, like some kind of time-traveling productivity guru. For one, I'd be the best son my parents could ask for—which, granted, wasn't a high bar to clear at the moment since my only skills were crying, sleeping, and occasionally making faces that my mom mistook for gas. They deserved better than what I'd given them in my first run-through of life. I still remembered the struggles they went through: my dad working late shifts at jobs he hated, coming home with that tired smile that I now recognized as pure determination; my mom scrimping and saving every penny, turning grocery shopping into an Olympic sport of coupon-cutting and sale-hunting.
In my first life, I'd been about as observant as a brick wall when it came to their sacrifices. Now, here they were, looking down at me with such love and hope that it made my tiny heart do backflips. If I could've spoken, I would've promised them the world. Instead, I managed another gurgle, which they interpreted as absolutely adorable. I'd take it.
Then there was Lily—my little sister, who would be arriving in about two years if my mental math wasn't completely scrambled by the whole reincarnation thing. In my previous life, we'd gone from being best friends who shared everything to distant acquaintances who only texted on birthdays and major holidays. Our relationship had drifted apart like a boat with a broken anchor, carried away by the currents of adult life until we were barely visible to each other. This time, I wouldn't let that happen. I'd be a better brother, the kind who showed up for every recital, remembered every important date, and didn't "borrow" her CDs never to return them (sorry about that Spice Girls album, Lily).
Alright, Alex, I told myself, Time to get to work. Though "work" at this point mainly consisted of trying to control my own bodily functions, which was going about as well as trying to teach a cat to fetch.
Not that I could do much from my current position. I could barely wiggle my fingers, let alone start implementing my grand plans for life 2.0. But that was okay. I had time—lots of it. Maybe years to lay the groundwork for the life I wanted. All I had to do was survive babyhood and all the little humiliations that came with it. Like diaper changes. Dear god, the diaper changes. Nothing in my previous life as a software developer had prepared me for this level of indignity.
For the next few days, I slowly adjusted to my bizarre situation, lying around and observing everything I could like some kind of infant anthropologist. My eyesight was terrible—everything looked like it was being viewed through a shower door smeared with Vaseline—but I'd already started to pick out the distinct sounds of my new-old world: my mother's voice, singing soft lullabies that stirred ancient memories; my dad's slightly nervous laugh whenever he had to change me, like he was diffusing a bomb instead of dealing with a diaper.
And while I couldn't see much of the room beyond vague shapes and colors, I could feel the love in every touch, every gentle adjustment of my blanket, every soft kiss on my forehead. It was like being wrapped in a cocoon of pure affection, and I swore to myself I wouldn't take it for granted this time.
Things I'd missed in my first life were painfully obvious now, like watching a movie for the second time and catching all the foreshadowing. The way my mom would check prices three times before buying anything for herself but never hesitated on things for me. How my dad would come home exhausted but still find the energy to rock me to sleep, humming off-key versions of Beatles songs that would have made John Lennon weep.
I'd always felt so helpless to help them back then, watching them struggle while I focused on my own problems. Now, though, I had time to build myself into someone who could make a difference. I was no prodigy (though I did plan to strategically reveal my "gift" for mathematics right around first grade—nothing too suspicious, just enough to skip the torture of basic arithmetic), but with the knowledge I had, maybe I could get a head start on making their lives easier.
On what I estimated to be the fifth or sixth day (time is weird when you spend 90% of it sleeping), something amazing happened. My mom held me close and cooed at me, her tired eyes lighting up with warmth, and I managed to focus enough to really see her face. It was like watching a photograph develop in real time—every detail slowly becoming clearer until I could see the pure joy in her expression. I made a promise to myself right there: I'd remember this. I'd remember every moment and make it count.
And maybe I'd mess with people a little while I was at it. I mean, come on—how could I not? I had the perfect cover story: I was just a surprisingly advanced baby. Nobody suspects the baby.
One night, while my dad was holding me and practicing his truly terrible stand-up routine (apparently, dad jokes are an inherited trait that manifests early), I managed to move my hand just enough to reach out and brush his cheek. The look on his face was priceless, like he'd just witnessed a miracle instead of basic motor function. I'd definitely be playing that up in the years to come. Maybe I'd "accidentally" say something profound while still in the crib, just to really mess with them.
The days blurred together like a time-lapse video of clouds. Slowly, I figured out how to get what I needed through strategic deployment of various baby noises. It was surprisingly effective, though I had to be careful not to overdo it. I was already getting a reputation as a "miracle baby" for sleeping through the night (thank you, adult consciousness), and I didn't want to blow my cover too soon. The last thing I needed was to end up on some morning show being billed as the world's most advanced infant.
By the end of the first few weeks, I'd settled into the rhythm of my new life like a veteran actor in a very strange play. There were still a thousand things I didn't understand—like how I'd gotten here, why me, and most importantly, whether my Netflix account from my past life was still active somewhere in the future. But one thing was crystal clear: I had a chance to start over, and I wasn't going to waste it binge-watching cartoons (at least not for the first few years).
The hospital finally decided I was ready to face the world—or more accurately, that my parents were ready to handle me without a team of medical professionals on standby. They released me with what felt like a manual thicker than most programming textbooks I'd suffered through in my previous life. The instructions for basic baby maintenance were more complicated than assembling IKEA furniture, and about as clear.
I was brought home to the small, cozy apartment that I vaguely recognized from my earliest memories—though this time, everything looked significantly larger, probably because I was roughly the size of a loaf of bread. As my mom settled me into my crib, I looked around, feeling the smallest hint of excitement stir within me. The little cracks on the ceiling that younger-me would later imagine were maps to hidden treasures, the faded blue wallpaper that had witnessed countless family moments, the sound of the television murmuring in the next room playing what I now recognized as my dad's favorite sitcom—it was all painfully, wonderfully familiar.
The crib itself was a hand-me-down from a cousin, with slight teeth marks on the railings that told stories of previous occupants. I made a mental note to avoid adding my own dental artwork to the collection—I had my dignity to maintain, after all. Well, what was left of it after the whole diaper situation.
Through the bars, I could see the mobile hanging above me—plastic stars and moons that would soon become my main source of entertainment. In my previous life, I'd spent hours staring at spreadsheets; now, I'd be spending hours staring at rotating celestial bodies. Somehow, it felt like an upgrade.
I took a deep breath, feeling strangely calm for the first time since I'd woken up in this bizarre situation. The panic of finding myself suddenly infant-sized had given way to something like acceptance, maybe even optimism. Sure, I'd have to go through potty training again (a thought that still made me mentally cringe), and yes, I'd have to wait years before I could enjoy a proper cup of coffee, but I had something precious: perspective.
This time around, I knew what mattered. I knew that the monsters under the bed weren't real (though I'd still check, just to be safe), that the scary first day of school would lead to meeting my best friend Kevin (note to self: maybe warn him about that skateboarding incident in seventh grade), and that mom's questionable cooking experiments were made with more love than culinary skill.
As I lay there, contemplating my strange new reality, I heard my parents talking softly in the next room. My dad was making plans, talking about future Little League games and science fairs, while my mom gently reminded him that maybe they should focus on getting through the night first. I smiled internally, knowing they had no idea what they were in for—a baby with thirty-plus years of life experience and a mission to make things better this time around.
I had plans of my own, of course. Big plans. Like figuring out how to prevent my Uncle Ted from making that terrible investment in a alpaca farm (that family Christmas had been particularly awkward), and maybe finding a way to hint to my cousin Sarah that her first boyfriend was definitely going to peak in high school (save yourself the drama, Sarah).
But for now, I was content to just be here, in this moment, listening to the sounds of my parents' love and hope for the future. I had a whole lifetime ahead of me—again—and this time, I knew exactly what to do with it.
Well, mostly. I still hadn't figured out how to explain my surprisingly extensive knowledge of 90s pop culture when I finally started talking. But hey, one existential crisis at a time, right?
As I drifted off to sleep, lulled by the gentle whir of the ceiling fan and the distant sound of my parents' voices, I smiled internally. This whole second chance thing might be weird, complicated, and occasionally mortifying, but it was also kind of perfect.
Besides, how many people get to be their own spoiler alert?