What is family? Is it someone who protects you? Someone who gives you love unconditionally? I don't know the answer to that…
I sat there, staring at the glow of the screen in front of me, watching the character I'd spent years building navigate a world that was far more welcoming than the one outside my window. The rain pattered against the glass, each drop a steady, dull reminder of the life I was trapped in.
My existence felt like a shadow, unnoticed and unwanted in a world that moved on without me…
The apartment, I lived in was small, and it smelled like it. Stale, musty air filled the room, thick with the scent of unwashed clothes and takeout boxes I couldn't be bothered to throw away. There were times I thought about cleaning it up, but what was the point? There was no one here. No one ever came by. I tend to lock the door out of habit, but the thought of anyone wanting to come in was laughable.
I glanced at my phone, even though I knew what I'd see. The screen lit up, empty of messages, no missed calls. Just a notification from some game I'd long since stopped playing, a game that probably had more people waiting for me than anyone in real life. Not that it mattered. No one was waiting for me anywhere. Not here, not online, not anywhere.
I leaned back in my chair, listening to the sound of the rain hitting the window. It was a sound I used to like, back when I was younger—back when I still thought that maybe things would get better. That maybe, one day, I'd meet someone, or something would change. But I'd stopped believing that a long time ago.
I can't even remember when the hope disappeared. It was a slow thing, I guess. You go through enough foster homes, get passed around enough times, and you start to understand the truth: no one wants you. No one's going to stick around. I used to tell myself that maybe I just hadn't found the right place yet. That may be, if I tried a little harder, if I didn't let the bullies get to me, if I didn't screw up as much, things would turn out okay.
But they didn't.
The bullies kept coming, and I wasn't strong enough to stop them. The foster parents never stayed, and I wasn't enough to make them want to. After a while, you get tired of trying. You get tired of waiting for people to see you, to reach out, to care. You just... stop. And that's what I did. I stopped.
I became a NEET, not because I wanted to, but because I didn't see the point in doing anything else. School had been a nightmare, work felt like a joke, and getting out of bed every day was exhausting. So I didn't. I stayed in, played games, drowned myself in worlds where I could be someone else—someone stronger, someone braver, someone who mattered.
Because in those games, I wasn't Kazuki Ren, the guy no one cared about. I was a hero, a saviour. I was someone people looked up to, someone who protected others.
I wasn't alone.
But even that was starting to feel hollow. The victories felt meaningless. The conversations with NPCs felt... fake. And when I turned off the game, when the screen went dark and the silence of my apartment closed in around me, I was back to being no one again. Back to being forgotten.
I turned my eyes toward the window, watching the rain trail down the glass. Out there, people were living their lives, going home to families, friends, people who actually gave a damn about them. I wondered what that was like. To have someone. To be needed.
I'd always dreamed of having a family. Not a broken, temporary one that traded me off like some unwanted pet, but a real family. Parents who loved me, a little sister who looked up to me, people who actually wanted me around. I imagined what it would feel like to be the older brother—to be the one someone relied on, the one they turned to for protection.
A sister. That was the part I always came back to. I could picture her in my head so clearly: someone small, wide-eyed, innocent. Someone who would look at me like I was the strongest person in the world. Someone I could protect. I could teach her things, watch over her, and be the person for her that I never had for myself.
But that was just a fantasy. A stupid, impossible dream.
I sighed, sinking further into the chair. The rain outside kept falling, steady and unrelenting, as if the world was mocking me with its constancy. My reflection in the window looked pale, tired. Useless.
I guess part of me was still waiting, hoping for some kind of change, even if I didn't want to admit it. But deep down, I knew. People like me didn't get second chances. I was just going to keep drifting through this life, alone, invisible, until one day, I just... wouldn't be here anymore.
I thought about that sometimes. About disappearing. If anyone would notice. If anyone would even care.
Probably not.
"Guess it's time to die eh?" I sighed…
I threw on my jacket, unwashed for a year and reeking like a dead rat. Hell, even a dead rat would bail on me at this point.
( I don't even remember when I last took a bath)
I stood up, my feet ready to break unable to bear my weight… I looked at myself one last time in the mirror, still the fucked up orphan with sleepy eyes, a body as fat and dirty as a pig, hair messed up so bad that not even a razor could cut through them anymore…
I opened my door, and the sudden flash of light from the brightly lit hallway in contrast to my room almost blinded me…
"Ah fuck… my eyes!"
I wonder how long it had been since I even came out… I used to order in my food… barely living off the expenses my current foster parent gave me… they used to stay at work the entire time… I wonder how these kinds of imbeciles are even allowed to foster children… like did you seriously take me in to burn your money or what?
I walked out of the house… the cold raindrops pattering on my shoulders. It was still pouring, though the rain had calmed down quite a bit compared to a while ago…
"Fuck! It's so cold"
I honestly considered going back in and doing this in summers…
"I can't go back on it now after coming this far can I?"
(Ironically I was barely 30 feet away from my dirty, lifeless room and cold bed…)
with my conviction secured I started heading towards the bridge… on my way there… I could feel the eyes of the strangers digging into my soul… as if they were asking me to go away… telling me that I was an eyesore.
I put on the hood of my jacket, trying to avoid meeting their gaze… I had a feeling I would break down if I did…
I finally reached the bridge and climbed up the ledge… in the distance, I could see a stranger walking towards me from the other side… I didn't pay much attention to him, but he looked like he was smiling… just the thought sent chills down my spine…
"Now that I am here the fear is finally catching up to me… Was this bridge always this high?"
I just stood there for a while looking at the high-speed water gushing by… I was trying to sort all my emotions… the anger, the rage, pity, sorrow… and just as I was about to finally break down… just then a voice broke my thoughts,
"Just do it already! No one's gonna miss you, you know?"
His words cut through me, not with malice, but with the cold truth I had tried to ignore for way too long. No one in this world would even give a damn if I straight-up disappeared. My mind was full of all these messed up emotions which, before I could realise had reached up to my throat… and by the time I figured out what I was doing they came out…
"SHUT UP. You don't know anything about me and my circumstances, Just because you had a decent life doesn't make you better than me. You think I chose this?" I clenched my fists in anger…
"You were just lucky. That doesn't make you special. You're just a fucking worthless jerk! You hear me you, dumbass?"
In that moment, I found my voice, finally shouting back at the world that had silenced me for so long…
His anger started to well up and I thought he was coming after me but suddenly my mind went blank probably cause of the ecstasy and adrenaline…
By the time the adrenaline rush was over…
I felt the wind brush by my skin…
Then I saw a drop of water in front of my eyes…
"Tears…?"
That's when it hit me…
No, not the realisation that I had slipped off the ledge in my rage, but the concrete-like water surface.
All the wind in my lungs was pushed out, it felt like I was hit by a truck…
Since when did water get so fucking hard?
But somehow even after that, I managed to survive probably due to the several layers of fat that had accumulated on my skin over the years…
But that wasn't the end…
Before I knew it I was surrounded by water…
I desperately tried to breathe again after the fall pushed out all the air in my lungs but all that entered was water. My body felt heavy because of the water in my lungs. It plunged me even further into the depth…
I was about to drown.
Isn't this what I came here to do anyway? Why am I so desperate to survive?Human instinct?
No, it must be the small hope that I still had left trying to keep me alive, trying to fight against the large portion of despair and loneliness that had settled in my heart… it's too late now little guy… I am fine with this… this world will not even notice it if I am gone… it's fine…
I know there are no second chances in life. But as I stand here, I can't shake this tiny flicker of hope… What if I could start over? Just once?
If I were to be reincarnated, I wish I'd be brought back into a nice family… it doesn't have to be a rich one… I wouldn't mind us being poor but just someone who can look after me… someone who can truly love me and if I am not being too selfish I also would like to have a sister, yes… a sister, tha… that… would… be… gre…
It was over… I had died… just like that… on a cold winter afternoon… with my last word being
"Dumbass"