Chapter 1
"Shut up!" he shouted when I tried to talk to him. "What do you know? You can't even give me a child!"
His words were sharp. The annoyance and rage in his voice frightened me that I immediately withdrew my hand that was extended to reach him, fearing that he might hurt me, at least physically. It stings and almost felt numbing.
He just got home, supposedly from work, but with his state right now, it's obvious that's not what happened. He reeks of alcohol and sweat; his breathing is ragged because of his anger. I pursed my lips and swallowed the words I was about to say. My tears threatened to fall but I gathered all the energy I have to stop it. Surely, if he sees me crying, he would get even more annoyed. He mumbled something unintelligible and darted his gaze at me. Out of fear, unconsciously, I stepped back.
My lips trembled. "What can I do?" I asked inaudibly, almost seemed like I didn't spoke at all. I wanted to know what I can possibly do for him to stop loathing me, to stop him from terrorizing himself, and to stop this marriage from falling apart, but I'm too scared to ask and too scared to know the answer. I fear that the best solution is separation and I'm not sure if I can give it to him.
I bit my lower lip. "Please, don't hate me, Adam..." I whispered softly, as tears started to fall from my eyes despite my efforts to hold them back.
"I only asked for one thing," he said and reiterated, "One thing, El..."
I wiped the tears away from my face, but it was no use, it kept on falling one after another.
"And yet, you cannot give it to me," Adam continued.
Every discussion we have always leads to this: me, being incapable of fertility. And I can't blame him for hating me and I promised myself that I will not hold it against him. But it hurt, each time, a little more.
My thoughts wandered off the time when he asked me to marry him. It wasn't a proposal that most people witness. It wasn't grand. There was no ring, no romantic background music, no flowers, just meaningful words, but enough to make me say yes.
It was our graduation day. Each graduates have already planned on how they'll celebrate this special day, except for me. Coming from a foster home, I was too shy to even ask for a celebration or anything special; and I didn't think there's any need for that.
Adam invited me to join his family for dinner and celebrate with him. I rejected his offer. His family wasn't really a big fan of me. Even though they never said it outright, I knew they didn't approve of my relationship with their son. They had never been rude or openly unkind, but I could sense their reservations. I'd caught their disapproving glances, overheard their whispers. I understood; Adam came from a family that valued tradition and status, and I was just the girl he met in college, with no family or legacy behind me. I respected that because I respected them.
However, Adam can't seem to understand. He was very adamant about it. He kept on insisting that I should come.
"Come on, El, this is important to me," he said, his voice soft but unyielding. He pulled me by the hand, refusing to let me turn him down.
So, after a long moment of persuasion, I finally gave in and agreed.
When we arrived at their house, confusion starts to surge in my brain as I saw that my friends, who are trying hard to suppress their excitement but obviously failing to conceal it, were gathered inside. My brows furrowed and I silently wondered what it is that makes them giddy. We have graduated, sure, but their reaction slightly speaks of something else. And besides, what are they doing here? I thought they had their own plans.
I turned to Adam and tried to voice out my question, but he silenced me with his words. "I want you to have a permanent family."
My lips parted and I blinked repeatedly. "What do you mean?" I asked.
"Marry me."
His words were quiet yet clear, like they'd been waiting on his tongue for weeks. Months, maybe.
My eyes widened. So many questions flooded my brain. I love him—I'd known that for a long time. But marriage? So soon?
I don't know if I can marry him, at least not yet. It feels too soon. I don't think I'm ready… But the thought of having a permanent family excites me, especially if it's with Adam.
I looked around, suddenly aware of everyone's eyes on us. His family stood off to the side, watching me with expressions that seemed to harden the longer I stayed silent. I knew they hoped I'd say no, that I'd finally back away from Adam and let him find someone they thought he deserved. The rejection in their eyes was something I'd never been able to ignore, and the weight of it pressed down on me now.
A part of me thought maybe I should walk away. Maybe they were right—that Adam deserved more than someone with no family, no real background.
But when I turned my head to look at him again, I saw a quiet plea in his eyes.
I can't help but smile at his anticipating look. "So?" he asked, hopeful. That's when I knew that I can never turn him down.
I wanted to be ready. For him. For us.
"I've seen so many failed relationships. I want this to work."
My attention turned to his parents who gave me their disapproving look. They weren't pleased by my response. His mom choked a sob and looked away.
Adam cupped my face so I'd look at him. "We'll make this work," he said.
I can no longer recognize the man I married. The eyes that once looked at me like a precious stone were the same eyes that now see me as nothing but a trash. He stared at me like I am the most useless person on earth.
I wanted to believe that this man isn't him. Adam wouldn't do this. Adam wouldn't make me feel worthless. But who am I kidding? He. Is. Adam. For that, I cried harder.