Dear Sun,
"Hello?"
I slurred in sleep, unconsciousness consuming me, my eyes barely flattering open, I just answered the call without looking anywhere. Without looking at the contact. It was silent on the other side of the line. I frowned my forehead, clearly flattered my eyes open, and saw with a blurry vision. It was an unknown number.
"Hello? Anyone there?"
Still no answer, I got up sitting, resting my head on the head rail of the bed. I looked at the alarm clock right beside the night lamp. It was 4 in the morning. I frowned my eyes, and cut the call. Slumped into the bed, sunken into the warmth of my blanket. My heart was still very heavy to deal with the real world anyway. Need to sleep. Otherwise the aching will remain. I heard the blaring ringtone—speedy and high rises. I hissed and answered the call, closing my eyes.
"Hello who is it?" irritably screamed. And my breath hitched. I heard a breathing, an inhale, a little quiver in the throat. I felt a shiver running down my spine.
"T '' I whispered, the silence surrounding my room became deafening only letting me hear your breaths, inhale and inhale and then finally exhale.
"It's 4 am..do you need me?" I said carefully, cautiously. Don't know what state you were in. my whispers echoed around my alone empty room. I looked at my surroundings. The early crickets were chirping, but the noises were faded, shaded and blank. The sky was black, I could see from my window, and there were no stars, it was like a mirage of shades of black. There was no air, but the weather was chilly.
"Hello?"
I whispered again, hearing your voice was a sudden yearning for me. I never knew I had this till now. My heart was heavier than ever, throat clogged, words stuck. I felt I was sweating in the chilly weather.
"I can't sleep," I sighed, lying down on the bed slowly. The creases in my forehead must have disappeared, but my eyes were suddenly burning. Your voice thick and raw, it seemed like you woke up from your sleep abruptly and couldn't go back to sleep. I need you, I need you. I need you. My heart screamed inside. I breathed heavily.
"Oh" I said back, softly. Getting comfortable in my duvet. It wasn't cottony though. It was a cheap material.
"You…want me to say anything?" I whispered, curiously, my sleep vanishing into thin air, I was crisped up. I wanted to count your breaths. 1, 2,3, 4,5…..
"Yeah" you said and I still counted your breaths. 6,7,8,9,10..
"What did you do today?" For the first time in a while I asked you a normal question and I wasn't afraid of hearing the answers. Well maybe I was. But I wanted to keep hearing your sleep-laced voice
"Wrote a new song" I could feel the rustling of the bed sheets.
"Yeah?" I whispered , smiling a little, my heart still blocking all those emotions.
"Yeah, roughly thought to write words" you said in your rough voice, grumpy sleepy voice, i could feel your eyes closing. I closed my eyes as well. The world wasn't colorful in front of me, but I hope the colors shine bright against your imaginations.
"Can I hear the words?"
"Hm" you said and I could feel you changing bed sides. Your bed was empty. Where was she? I didn't ask you
"Forgive, pain, love, eyes."
I can see the pain in your eyes, can you forgive me for the pain I have given you
I sang inside my heart. I breathed heavily as you inhaled slowly and gently. 11,12,13,14,15….
"What did you do today?"
I sighed and changed my side as well in the bed, the lamp shade was switched off, so the darkness was unveiling, it wasn't brighter anywhere, shadows were there around me. But I don't fear darkness anymore, darkness gives me sympathy, I hear your laugh in the darkness as well.
"Well, wrote a letter"
I could hear you stop breathing…skipped 16,17 and then continued 18,19,20…why did your heart stop?
"Words?"
You asked and I looked at the ceiling fan, which was switched off, some city lights grazing against my window shield, making the room illuminate a little.
"Forgive, pain, love, eyes," I said
21,22,23…were skipped. Did your breaths stop again? Why?
I heard your inhale again. 24,25,26,27 ... .I kept counting your breaths as you were silent and inhaling and exhaling. Sometimes the pattern changes, you breathe so fast, sometimes you breathe after skipping one of those breaths. There lying there, I could feel this was becoming my favorite thing, to count your breaths, it calms my heart, relaxes my anxieties. Drapes the darkness but the darkness doesn't get doubled, it just becomes lighter the more time goes.
I could feel your breaths getting louder and I knew the phone was on your cheek. I rested my phone on my cheek, feeling the brush of your cheek to mine. The swoosh of air came from somewhere, catching me off guard. I felt as if your breath mingled with my skin and stroked with the air from your mouth. I tightly closed my eyes. Don't cry, don't cry. I counted your breaths, my restless heart calming down, curing itself. 28,29,30,31,32….
I don't know why we didn't say anything further, we didn't have anything to say. Absolutely nothing was uttered, no words escaped. It felt like the quietness was in our liking, making us relieved, covering us like a warm bushy blanket.
33,34,35,36,37 ... .I could feel your breaths getting swift and slower. You were falling asleep, without saying goodbye. I looked at the alarm clock, the inner light of it showcasing 4:45 in the morning, the sky lights were getting lighter making a phase of blurry orange
"Sun" I called and you seemed like you had jumped out of your slumber
"Yeah, I am here. I am always here" my breath got stuck in my throat. You are always here, with me or her? Your mumbles were heard, you weren't fully asleep then.
I got up, sleep slurring into my mind soon and i felt sleepy, but i still went to the window, opened the shield, the hazy orange tint was spreading against the sky, i counted your breathes, the air turning icy cold, making me shiver. 56,57,58,59,60….
"you" i said, because subconsciously or consciously, it was the only thing i could utter, your name, i could blabber, mumble or chant your name in my sleep too. I counted your breaths until you answered. 78,79,80,81….
"Yeah tell me…"I giggled hearing your frowned voices. Could she tell the difference like I do?
92,93,94,95,96…
"It's almost 5, open your window from there."
I could hear you getting up, and heard the chaos of the blanket folding. I felt you breathing in a different way, I felt my heart beat getting erratic. I need you I need you I need you
"Look the sun is rising" I whispered, looking at the yellowish mellow printed sun to appear in slow motion, tearing apart the darkness. The sky cascaded with shades of orange, red, yellow. All these bright sun burnt colors, burning the air too. But the wind was breezy and chilly.
"Go get a blanket" I heard you saying. How did you know, I was feeling goosebumps in the cold? I nodded but you weren't seeing me
I went to my bed, and wrapped a blanket around me, feeling myself getting warmer
"Are you warm now?"you asked, the voice suddenly woken and fresh and almost worried.
"Yeah," I said inaudibly"more than warm enough"
124,125,126,127 ... .then your breaths stopped again, momentarily and then you kept inhaling and exhaling. How frantic my heart can be just by hearing your breaths. I think you were more silent than you should have, what happened?
Are you watching the sunrise?" I asked you, my voice tired, heart dropping because you will soon cut the call. I will soon be remaining with darkness and a burnt sun. my insides getting heavier, I need you, I need you, I need you
"Yes," you said, and I looked at the sun, a burnt sun, or a cracked one, or a broken one
"156,157,158, 159" I never realized I was counting your breaths verbally.
"What are you counting?" you asked, and i kept looking at the sun rise, hues of burn getting praised by nature, it was shiny, round and calming. You were erratic like my heartbeats, maybe you are not the sun, maybe you are me in a different body.
"Nothing" I bit my lips. 160,161,162,163….
I sighed and you did too. We just kept looking at the sun rise, the slow magnificent birth of the sun, brightening the world, coloring the hearts. Fulfilling the holes of the heart
"178,179,180,181.." I felt my breath getting knocked out of my body as I heard you counting. What were you counting? My breaths.
"What are you counting?" I asked anxiously
"Nothing" I could hear you sigh. I smile gently. You were counting mines. I felt my heart blooming. But why? Why my breaths.
"You should sleep now." I said closing the window. Returning to the bed, slumping inside the blanket comfortably, and lying down on one pillow, and looking at the other pillow beside, which was empty headed.
202,203,204,205….
"206,207,208,209,210" I heard you still counting verbally. I smiled and I kept breathing, never stopping you from counting my inhales, i inhaled, once, twice and you counted verbally, your voice was getting lighter, i could hear the mattress wrestling, blanket covered, I could feel you lying down, but your mumbles went on, you counted my breathes, non stop. And I was silent.
"250,251,252…" Once your voice slurred and slowed, your voice came inaudible. It was just a mumble, and then it stopped. I felt I was holding my heart till now. And I heard your breaths getting swifter and you stopped mumbling. You were asleep. I sighed. And went on counting…
"345,346,347,348…."I never knew my throat would stop for a moment and I would slump into nothingness.
The phone was never cut, we slept together, counting each other's breaths, holding each other's heart. Making each other live. I love you, maybe i will never stop. Maybe my body will stop like today but my heart will never…
Yours Sunflower