Multiple bottles of alcohol scattered all around the floor; they were all empty. That could only mean that he had spent another day at home, drinking to his heart's content. It was past midnight when I arrived in our apartment, feeling tired and burned out from having to force a smile on my face all day and greet customers who were only rude in return. There was no surprise there, though, as I had already been dealing with it for two years now.
I pulled out my phone from my pocket—no missed calls, no texts, and no emails whatsoever. A smirk formed on my face, a strained laugh escaped from my lips, and I put it back in my pocket. Who was I kidding? What was I expecting? No one would ever want someone who has never had a stable job, even once, work for them. A woman who always had been a part-timer all her life and had never accomplished anything since she turned eighteen.
A loud laughter distracted me from my thoughts as I turned my head to the direction where it came from—our shared bedroom, and it sure did sound like a woman. My heart started beating fast in my chest and my anxiety spooked up to the highest level.
There was no way. He told me he would never do something like this ever again.
I removed my shoes, and it was only then that I realized there were red velvet heels lying on the floor beside his rubber shoes. A huge lump formed in my throat and I swallowed it down, beads of sweat rolled down from my temple as the giggles persisted. He must have forgotten that the room was not soundproof, and that I would hear them the second I stepped foot into the house. I clamped my mouth with one hand, preventing any sound to slip out while I made my way to the bedroom. The door was left ajar, and I peeked inside—clothes were thrown to the ground and there was a purse sitting on the nightstand beside our bed. I sniffled. The hand over my lips was trembling and tears blurred out my vision.
They were under the covers—my boyfriend and a blonde woman were. They have had sex. The room was reeking of it. I could smell it from here. In the bed where I lie beside him, in the bed where we would make love, in the bed where I could only feel his love for me, his want, and his need for me.
"I should go." The woman who was lying on my side of the bed spoke in a sweet voice. She attempted to get up, but Casper had wrapped his strong arms around her small waist and then pulled her back down. She landed on his bare chest with a chuckle. Casper buried his face in her neck; his tongue darted out to lick the exposed skin as her eyes fluttered close and a soft moan escaped her lips. "Casper, come on. I need to go before your girlfriend comes home."
"The door is locked, and she doesn't have a key to this apartment. I don't let her have it."
But he left it open. Casper did not lock it, not even the front door. If he had, then I would not be here, standing before the bedroom door and listening in on their conversation. He was really enjoying his time with her so much that he had not heard the door creaking open and then slamming shut. He had not realized that I had arrived, even though I purposely stomped on the ground to let my presence be known to him—to them.
The woman cackled and straddled my boyfriend, her exposed breasts in his view. I watched Casper eye them like a predator who was ready to feast on his prey. It disgusted me, but then, I could not help but wish to be in that woman's position. I would do anything to have him look at me with hungry eyes like that. "You're such a bad man. What's so wrong with your girlfriend that you don't even let her have a key to an apartment that she is paying rent for?"
Casper grinned. His veiny, large hands crawled up towards her torso; his hold was so tight that they left red marks on her petite body. My other hand rested over the one that was on my mouth. I did not want to make a sound. I do not know what Casper would do to me if he were to hear me listening outside of the bedroom nor do I even want to. But my tears could not be held back any longer, they rolled down my cheeks, and my feet stepped backwards. Before I could leave, though, I heard him answer the blonde woman's question: "She's stupid, and she is so easy to manipulate. She brings a lot of fun and entertainment in my life. Tell me, would you ever move in with me under the condition that you need to be the one to pay for the rent and everything else?"
"Fuck no. In your fucking dreams, Casper." The blonde woman stifled another laugh. She leaned down as I watched their lips collide.
I did not want to stay more than this. I turned around and left the halls, then I ran down the stairs and into the kitchen. I anchored my arms on the countertop and sniffled a little louder this time. Wiping away the tears that flooded my face, I tried to catch my breath and then exhaled. My fingers ran through my hair and grabbed a glass to pour some water into and downed it quickly. I gasped and settled the glass down on the counter with a clang, then I put my hair into a ponytail and turned to the fridge to begin cooking dinner for the two of us.
It was true. I did move in with him under that condition, but he told me he would help me once he gets his first pay at work. Now, it had been two months, and Casper had not given me a single dollar. I did not believe it when he said that his pay was pushed back. I was the one who was doing the laundry for both of us, and I would always find receipts in the pocket of his pants; he checked into several hotels, and I knew that he was with a girl, if not this blonde woman inside our apartment right now, then it could have been with a different one.
I should have left him. I should have abandoned him. I deserved better.
I knew that better than anyone else. Casper was a good-for-nothing bastard who did not have anything to put into the table. I knew there was someone else out there who was more deserving of me and my love, but I did not want to give up on him. I did not want to leave him. I did not want to prove to him that I was just like everyone in his life who had left him when they had gotten to know the real him. I believed that there was still hope for Casper, and that he would change. I may not be the reason for it, but I hope for the better and for himself, and I thought that all the years I had endured, all the pain I had suffered, would all be worth it by the time Casper realized that it was not too late for him to change his ways, and to become the best version of himself.
I heard a slam of a door as well as chuckles that echoed through the halls, and I knew that it was them; they have finished. My chest clenched at the thought of their bodies entangled with each other as they share gasps and moans, and the room reeked of sex. I knew they saw me when they passed by the kitchen. I knew that woman's gaze lingered on me when she walked by, and I knew she had a grimace on her face. She was thinking about how naïve I was. She was feeling victorious about how she got to bed Casper even though he had a girlfriend. She was proud about how they did it in the apartment which I was paying the rent for.
I should know—this was not the first time that Casper had brought a woman into our apartment. I was used to it. No woman should ever just accept and let something terrible and traumatic like this slide, but I did. Every single time, I would. I swallowed every bit of my pride. It was not only that I was hoping for him to realize that I was the only woman who would cling to him and stay with him like this; I loved him. I would not bear all of this if I did not feel anything for him. I would not have chosen to be with him given how much he had hurt me in all these years we have been together.
"Bye, Cas," the woman told him in a sultry voice, and I knew she had spoken loudly so I could hear. She had even let out a moan when they kissed goodbye, and it was all just to get a reaction out of me. But it was too bad that she would never hear from me, though, as I got too used to this. I could barely feel any pain.
The door closed and Casper's footsteps sent goosebumps to rise upon my skin as he got closer to where I was. My hands were still working on the vegetables, dicing and washing them and then placing a pan on the stove and putting it on medium heat.
Cold and strong hands touched my waist and I gasped in surprise. They lingered around it. I felt his fingers drum against my clothed skin and then they crawled up. His warm lips kissed my neck; the same pair of lips which kissed and tasted that blonde woman. When I attempted to move away, Casper held me tighter. His arms crossed around my waist as one hand went up my chest and teased the curve of my breast. I breathed, "Casper, please."
I heard him chuckle as he responded, "Please what, buttercup?"
"I don't want to, Casper. I'm not in the mood."
He grabbed my breast and I winced in pain. "You're denying me now, sweet pea?" His words sounded like honey, but his tone was terrifying. It was a threat. It was a warning.
He started kneading it, playing and toying with it as if he had not touched another woman's body before mine. His other hand creep under the fabric of my shirt and gently squeezed my right breast. When he heard a whimper escaped my lips, Casper smirked. "There it is. That's what I like to hear, Luna."
This should not be happening. I should not let this happen. These hands have touched another woman's body, and it was not just that woman, there were other more. I could not count on my fingers how many times he had cheated on me. The same lips and tongue that are tasting my skin have savored theirs—I was his last option. I was at the bottom of his list. He had decided to spend the night with me on purpose, to cover for his sins and unfaithfulness with the sweetness of his lips and the tenderness of his touch, only to leave my side in the morning to get to the side of another girl whom he would kill to taste.
His hands continued their assault as well as his lips that trailed down my shoulder. I could hear faint groans from him. My grip on the knife loosened as I placed it on the counter. The burnt smell of the pan invading my nostrils. Casper smiled against my skin, thinking that I have submitted myself to him and that I would let him have his way with me. One of his hands went down to the button of my jeans and before he could pop it open, I rested my own on top of his with a shake of my head. "Haven't you had enough for the day, Casper? You just did it with that blonde woman, and in our bed, no less. You promised me, Casper! Why?"
Casper giggled and quickly spun me around so that I was facing him. He looked into my eyes, a mischievous glare and smile greeted my serious stare. "Were you jealous, babe?" I wanted to laugh. I wanted for the palm of my hand to meet his cheek and leave a mark. Casper placed a finger under my chin and tilted my head upwards so that our eyes would meet. "Was my little Lulu jealous? Come on, that woman was only someone who I work with. We didn't do anything in that room."
Lies. All you ever do was lie.
Casper pushed me back slightly, trapping me between the kitchen counter and himself. His hands gripped the edge, sliding towards me and I shivered when they touched me, the goosebumps rising upon my skin once more. He grabbed my neck and buried his whole face in it, and then his warm tongue grazed against it causing a shriek to slip from my mouth. Casper had taken it as a sound of pleasure even when I was feeling the opposite of that—I wanted to get free from him. I wanted him to let go of me. But he knew he was stronger, and he took advantage of that by tearing my shirt and then throwing it across the room. I yelped. "Casper, please! I told you I didn't want to!"
He lifted his head just to glare at me. "And I thought I told you; you shall not ever say no to me."