She stopped down the stairs and forced herself to keep her eyes on the mirror.
Her sister's presence disappeared from behind her and the fear grew along with the dark shadow on the glass but she held on. Her heart beat in her chest and it felt like she was suffocating from the pressure of the locked memory.
She held on.
And the shadow slowly dissipated.
Beatrice curiously looked at the scene before her. It felt so familiar and so incomprehensible at the same time. Her sister sat on the sofa but she wasn't alone. The TV was on in the background but Beatrice didn't see what was playing on the screen. Her whole attention was on the person sitting next to her sister.
« You promised, » Kelly complained in a whiny voice and reached out to tangle her hand in the lush black curls.
The woman sighed but didn't respond. She leaned forward instead and kissed Kelly's pouting face. Beatrice stared in wonder at the scene and struggled to move forward, to run to the sofa and turn the stranger around. She needed to know who it was. But she was stuck in her seven years old body and at seven years old the scene had been so incomprehensible for her that she had just blinked and went back upstairs. Which she did now too.
Beatrice screamed at the duo, begged them to turn around and look at her. She had almost gone the whole way up the stairs when she saw her sister moves in the mirror and look straight at her.
« You need to remember everything. »
—
Thomas let himself in and allowed himself a minute to just watch her.
June hadn't heard him yet. Ed Sheeran was blasting out of the speakers Old Joe had gifted her on her last birthday and she was dancing around the kitchen.
He smiled and walked up to June who finally noticed him and startled.
« What are you doing here ? » She frowned at him.
« Wanted to see you, » he walked toward her and sighed in contentment as she allowed him to kiss her, melting in his hands.
« But you told me you were having lunch with the kids and your grandparents, » she pushed away from his lips but remained in his arms.
« We finished early, » he lied.
« Oh, » she turned to look at the oven hesitantly. « I still have so much to do here… »
« You're entertaining tonight ? » He smiled knowingly and enjoyed the blush spreading on her face.
« N-not really, » she fidgeted with his t-shirt. « I mean, I thought that- Well, if you- I mean, it's your birthday and- »
Thomas couldn't hold it anymore and cut her off with his mouth. He swallowed her whimper and picked her up. He was already leading her to the sofa when she pulled away, breathless.
« What are you doing ? I need to look afte- »
« You need to look after me, » he growled and dropped her on the couch, taking a second to rip his shirt off before getting over her.
« Thomas ! »
« It's my birthday, » he pleaded softly against her ear and the moment he felt her shiver under his palm, he knew he had won.
He let her go long enough to go turn down the heat after the first round before eating her out over the counter. And proceeded to spend the best birthday ever through the rest of the afternoon.
There was no peace, no happiness such as what he got right here right now, with her.
He grumbled but obeyed when she sent him out into the garden to let her prepare his birthday dinner. It was also enjoyable to just sit here, next to the open backdoor and listen to her move around the kitchen and hum along the radio. He was home and she was his woman and they just lived together in perfect harmony.
Thomas's heart squeezed in the best way in his chest when she came out and sat the table before him. She blushed and avoided his gaze as she put down a candle in the middle but he quickly grabbed her hand to kiss her palm, trying to convey how much he loved having her do all this. Thomas didn't care about birthday, he didn't care about well wishes and gifts. But he cared about June and having the woman he loved celebrate him poked at something very primal and possessive in his guts.
They ate the delicious meal she had prepared and contrary to the little appetite he had earlier, Thomas devoured everything, eager to honor her efforts.
« I got you a little something, » she announced after clearing the table and coming back with the dessert, chocolate mousse, his favorite, and a small rectangle box.
« You didn't have to, » his voice softened and he reached out to hold her free hand, allowing his forefinger to slid under her bracelet and caress the skin there.
« It's really not much, » she said timidly and pushed the box over to his side.
Thomas wished he had words to explain to her how complete he already felt. That he had everything he needed and that his day had been perfect since he got to spend it with her. He still kissed the back of her hand before reaching for the present, feeling her expectant eyes on him all along.
« I love it, » he leaned over the small table and kissed her in gratitude after discovering the pocket knife she had gotten him. It got a bit heated and he almost lost control but he wanted to look at it better.
He got the foldable blade out of its box and felt a tightness appear in his throat. It was a good brand. The handle was sturdy in his hand and the blade looked sharp.
« I don't know if you still collect them, » she smiled at him softly, a hint of sadness sneaking behind her dark pupils. All the time they had lost. All the time that went by while they were apart.
Thomas swallowed around the lump in his throat. He didn't. He had stopped.
His collection had started by accident. First he had inherited one from his deceased father. His grandfather had taken him back to the apartment after the police was done cleaning up and had let him walk around the place he had lived his whole life. Thomas hadn't wanted to take anything back with him. There was nothing of worth here anyways. And he was about to leave when he remembered the pocket knife his father used to keep around. It was part of the only good memories he ever made with his father. Once, when his mother went over to her sister for a weekend, his dad had taken him camping. It had been the only fun memory he got to make with him. His father had showed him how to hunt a rabbit and cook it. He had let him hold the knife and taught him how to skin it.
It was the only thing he took.
The second one was a gift from Sawyer who had stolen a pair from his father and gave one to Thomas. The latter was no longer abused by then but little Sawyer was and he needed something to protect himself, just in case.
The third one was a gift from June.
He still remembered her young, beaming, sixteen years old self handing him the small object wrapped in newspaper. She had bought it at the pawnshop, had exchanged one of her mother's most expensive ring for it, but it was still a cheap, fragile blade. Thomas had cherished it more than any other of his belongings. It broke a few months later and he had been heartbroken over it though she kept repeating it was alright. She'd get him another, much better one.
It took nineteen years.
« I don't want this, » he admitted lowly, his voice heavy with emotions.
« What ? » June leaned back as if slapped.
« I love it, » he went on. « So much… » He carefully put the knife back down into its box. « But if I can only ask for one thing, that's not it. »
« Sorry, I should have asked, » June apologized, sounding defeated and reached for the open gift but he stopped her.
« I want you. »
« Tho- » She frowned in confusion.
« All of you. I want every future second of your life, » he held her hand in his tightly but not enough to hurt. « I want to bring you home with me. Go to sleep with you in my arms and wake up to your warmth. » She tried to tug her hand away but he didn't let her and kept staring into her beautiful, panicked brown eyes. « I want the knife and I want another for my next birthday because you'll be there to celebrate it with me. »
« Stop, » she choked out.
« I can't live without you. I don't want to have to. Please, come back to me, » he begged sincerely, all the ache he carried around in his battled, scarred heart, pouring out through his voice. He reached over to hold her face, ran his thumb across the scar that ran from her nose to her right temple in reverence. « Don't leave me again. »
She opened wide eyes and he knew that she knew that he knew about her plans for the future.
« I can't… » She cried in a small, vulnerable voice.
« I'll follow you then, » he promised.
« You can't, » she chuckled but the sound was all wet and pitiful.
« The kids are going to college in less than a couple of months, » he leaned forward to touch their foreheads together. « We can go wherever you want. I'm pretty rich you know ? » She chuckled again and shook her head against his. « I love you. »
He heard her sharp intake of breath and realised she had no idea. The silly woman really thought he didn't love her anymore. June didn't trust him to love her and that hurt more than anything ever had.
« I was a coward. Young, stupid, blind, » he admitted. « But I loved you back then and I still love you now. With every breath I take and I'll spend the rest of my life proving it to you. Making it up to you.»
« You think I'm a murderer… » Her body trembled.
« Because I would have done it, » he confessed and felt ashamed for ever thinking beautiful, kind June could ever be tainted by his brand of love when she was the purest, gentlest soul he ever met. An angel the monster he was didn't deserve. But a devil was a selfish being and he couldn't let her go.
« No- » She objected.
« June, love, » he stopped her. « You know me better than anyone else in this whole wide world. You know that if you had even looked at another man I would have broken his neck. If you had tried to leave me, I would have dragged you back to my side, whatever means necessary, killed any obstacle and I would have locked you up for fucking ever. »
He would still do it. He felt it in his bones. He was desperate not to ever hurt her again. But he couldn't bear to see her with another. Just the thought of it…
« Stay with me, » he begged softly and got up. « I need you, » he walked her back inside and laid her down with care on the sofa. « I love you, » he whispered across her skin.
And he repeated it all night long.
—
Julian took a sip from the alcohol free, exotic cocktail the waitress had offered him and allowed his mind to wander off and wonder what his parents were doing right now before shaking his head in disgust. Knowing his father and his insatiable hunger for mom… Nothing he wanted to think about.
He refocused his attention back to the people walking around the garden. They were all well-dressed in luxurious brands. Their conversations floated around like a nice background sound for Julian who stood alone on the side, on the excuse of being tired. People usually surrounded him and the social butterfly his Ma had raised handled it great. Today though, he needed to be able to scan the crowd without being constantly disturbed.
From his many meetings with dad, uncle Sawyer and uncle Max, though the latter was only there to give external advice, they had come up with a list of potential lovers. Sawyer wasn't convinced about the claim of Kelly being lesbian as she had not said it in so much words and it all summed up to his dad's understanding of cryptic words a teenager had given him twenty years ago. So he kept his mind open about elder, married men too.
But his attention was mostly focused on the handful of women they had pointed out as the most likely lovers. The first on his list was Jenny Clark, Kelly's former best friend. He followed her around from afar, waiting for the right time. It finally came when she excused herself and headed inside for the bathroom.
« Hello, Miss Clark, » he cornered her in the hallway. She startled and stared at him with wide eyes.
« God, Julian ! » She exclaimed. « You scared me. And it's Mrs Mathon now. »
« Oh, yes, congratulations on your marriage, » he beamed at her and noticed her relaxing shoulders.
« Thank you, » she smiled back. « Congratulations on graduating. What are you planning to do now ? »
« I got accepted into the engineering degree I had my eyes on, » he conversed amiably.
« I know you don't need it but did you get any scholarship proposition ? I hear all about your talent on the field, » she complimented.
« A few but I'm not sure about joining any sport club in college. »
« Oh no ! That would be such a waste. Why not ? »
« Because that takes a lot of time and I don't want to lose anymore time with my mom. »
Here. The conversation got to where he wanted it. Jenny's face transformed in a blink. Her expression closed immediately on his mother's mention.
« I… » She hesitated, crossing her arms above her chest. « I get that getting to… She's your mother but… I don't think you should talk about her so… »
« Why not ? » Julian tilted his head to the side, forcing the smile to stay put on his face and his voice to remain even.
« She… »
« I heard you were pretty close to Kelly Benson, » he took an innocent, almost silly tone.
« I was, » Jenny frowned and visibly swallowed. « We were very close. »
« Like sisters ? »
« Kelly was an incredible person, » Jenny stared off into space, a thin shiny layer spreading across her eyes as she reminisced.
« I know. That's why I want to hear more about her. You know, » Julian gulped in guilt before adding, « As her murderer's son, I feel its my duty to honor her. Like, more than others. »
He hated how Jenny's expression softened upon his words.
« You're a good kid, Julian, » she sounded so understanding. « I'll tell you everything you want to know. »
Julian started with routine questions he had prepared beforehand. What she liked to do, liked to watch or read or eat. And when Jenny seemed relaxed enough, he pounced.
« I don't want to be rude but… Someone told me they had a crush on her. »
« That's not surprising, » Jenny laughed out loud. « Everyone had a crush on Kelly ! She was so pretty. »
« Yeah but that person… She was a woman… »
« Oh, » Jenny frowned. « It… I guess it could have happened. »
« And they made it sound like Kelly… She may have liked them back. »
« Who is this person ? » Jenny frowned harder, her lips in a thin light as she glared down at him.
« I like to ask all the people that knew Kelly about her, » Julian explained in an apologetic voice. « But this person, she told me in private. I don't want to break their trust. »
Jenny remained silence for a long while, her expression looking very conflicted.
« You're not doing a very good job, » she finally said in a cold tone. « Some things are better left in the dark. »
« I didn't mean to vex you, » Julian frowned, doing his best to look embarrassed.
« You didn't, » she cut him off dryly. « But I'd like it if you respected Jenny's memory. »
« I don't find it insulting to be ga- »
« Jenny was an amazing girl, » she spoke over him loudly. « Perfect, even. That's all you need to know about her. »
Julian watched her go, her steps fast and angry. And smiled at her retreating back.