I was rushing down the street. Light rain poured down over my hooded black polymer-based jacket. The asphalt was slick and covered with puddles reflecting the many neon signs. I was moving towards the nearest train station, catching my ride towards my overpriced walk-in closet of an apartment. My thoughts raced, with past unimportant dialogues I had with colleagues. I cringed at my responses and thought of things I could have and should have said. Only to realize over and over again how absolutely pointless my thoughts were. We got a new manager, a woman in her thirties, who treated everyone as if they were her closest buddy. She never heard of the concept of personal space, and honestly was just way too nice. My slight dislike of her was probably clouded by the itch of jealousy. The company I worked for was moderately large and moving up in the hierarchy was nearly impossible. Yet she was in her thirties and already part of management. But I couldn't resent her too much, she was a hard worker, of that much I was sure and also just a far better people person than me.
As I walked on, I passed the large bridge, the dark grey waves of the river underneath were hectic and violently crashing against the concrete walls. They looked hypnotically beautiful. My best friend Joseph died here. He jumped five years ago and drowned to death in those very waves. It still felt weird, I had spent almost my entire life with him. I had known him since first grade. We were inseparable, and yet he was gone, just like that. One never expects something like that to happen to someone so close, yet here we are. He was so smart, funny, athletic, and simply the best. He was always top of the class and his future was bright. He should have been one of the best, but he is dead and a loser like me is still around. I stepped closer to the edge, entranced by the waves. I could feel their pull on me. Day in and day out, the same loop played out, the year had been an unending blur of the same nothingness. There was no progress and nothing to accomplish. I sold my being over to a soulless machine that slowly hollowed out any sense of worth that I ever had. Each day I felt myself wither away and my essence being replaced by cogs. I was barely more than a machine at this point. Why shouldn't I end it all?
I shook my head and continued walking towards the train station. If things get truly intolerable, I can always end it all tomorrow. Besides, by the time you're ready to commit, it's too late anyway. To vaguely paraphrase Cioran, 'Death is as meaningless as Life.' I pulled out my smartphone, partially to cure myself of dark thoughts and to see what was new. To no one's surprise, the same old was as relevant as ever. You had hurricanes killing hundreds and displacing thousands, wars killing thousands and displacing millions, fearmongers spouting the same old useless diatribes, and inflation and inequality rising like never before. In short, our planet was completely and utterly fucked. As I was uselessly absorbed by social media, I failed to properly take in my surroundings. When I passed a crossroad, I felt a sudden force violently throwing me around. There was a blur of images, the sound of screeching tires and the sudden explosion of throbbing pain throughout my body. I could barely piece together that I must have been hit by something before my consciousness gave out.
Brief flickers of thought formed in the void. I slowly assembled the thoughts that resembled me. I tried to find the proper predicates that created my identity. My self-reflection was withering away piece my piece. So I created a well and stuffed the predicates inside. I knew that I had to contain myself somehow because I was fading away. Instinctively, I knew that I was dying, perhaps the oxygen to my brain was giving out and these were the last moments of consciousness that I had. Fear started to creep up on me. I was dying. Every organism instinctually feared its end. It was an intrinsic part of every living thing to cling to survival with everything they had, and in my last moments, I was no different. I was slowly becoming nothing, and there was something utterly revolting about it. It felt so alien. The rational side inside me argued that most of my life I had already been little more than nothing, so giving myself over to true nothing was not that much different, but in my essence, I knew this to thought to be wrong. Something primordial in me wanted to desperately cling to life at all costs. So I contained my essence in that well and sealed it tight, hoping to survive the onslaught of the void.
Time passed by and my essence was slipping out of the well and fading away. I barely even knew who I was anymore. Every thought felt like a chore and was barely even sensical. But I held on. I was desperate not to die. To reclaim my existence. What felt like eons passed by before the light at the end of the tunnel appeared. It pulled me in and I expected to be reawoken in my world. But instead, I was in a clear white space. My essence flooded out of the well and pooled into the form of a shape that I would use to describe my inner self. I had no mirror to properly construct what I thought I was, no picture, but I felt myself being formed fairly accurately to what I thought I was purely through the use of language. I used all the predicates I had collected to piece my life back together. Slowly I recalled every aspect of my being. I was whole and concrete again. After that process, I began to look around. The white space was empty. Not as empty as the darkness, since clearly here there was light, but besides the light there was nothing.
I wandered aimlessly through the bright space, to cure the boredom, "Hello, anyone here." I thought I might as well try to call out to anyone. Better than doing nothing I supposed. "God, are you here? Is this purgatory or something? Look I never really bothered too much with all the religions, so could someone fill me in on what I am supposed to be doing here? Kind of a shitty afterlife, I'll be honest. Don't get me wrong, I am glad it's not hell, but come on, this shit is soooo boring." I huffed and sat down exasperated. I knew that this place was going to drive me insane soon. Humans are naturally social creatures and we always need things to do. Sitting patiently by and doing nothing is probably the worst torture one could be subjected to. Perhaps this was hell after all.
"Anomalous activity found," A soules synthetic voice appeared out of nowhere.
I turned around trying to find out what spoke.
"Detecting human consciousness," the being spoke.
I tried to wave at it, "Yeah, hello. Can you help me?"
"Analyzing acceptable measures," the being continued. "Analysis complete, hello human welcome to the universal spirit. Do you want to assimilate?"
"Uhh, no? I mean what does that even do, but also no."
"Assimilation means reintegrating into nature so that your spirit can be reformed for new life."
"Yeah, no, I don't want to be reformed."
"Understood," the being said and then went silent.
For a while I waited for something to happen before I spoke up, "Um excuse me, hello, I am still here. I don't want to be reintegrated so is there another alternative?"
"Calculating. Finding possible solutions. Solution found. You could just stay here."
I looked around, "Here? There is literally nothing here. Is there another alternative?"
"Correction, there is not literally nothing here. You are here, I am here, the light is here, so there literally is something here, as in by the letter, there is something here."
"Okay, not 'literally' but still, that's basically nothing, isn't there some alternative? You know with more stuff and somewhere more interesting."
"Calculating," the Being said. "Calculating, possible alternatives include finding more none integrated consciousness, highly unlikely. The only viable alternative is being assimilated."
"If I am being assimilated does that mean I lose who I am now, as in my identity, when I am reformed?" I asked.
"Your identity will be reformed to suit your new purpose after reintegration into nature, yes. That is the only way to make the reintegration process smooth."
"Is there a way to be reintegrated so that I keep my current identity and memories and so on?"
"Calculating... Calculating, based on currently available information, there is no way to assimilate consciousness into the universal spirit, without that consciousness losing its identity and memories. However, I also have never tried doing so."
"So you are saying it could hypothetically be possible right?"
"Correct, but it has never been tried. Hypothetically anything is possible."
I sighed, "I mean fuck it, what do I have to lose anyway. Can you try to assimilate me without me losing any of the parts that make me, well me."
"Sure. Analyzing Reintegration Method... Analysis complete," The Being said before suddenly absorbing me. "Reintegration process initialized."
I felt my being sucked into a giant vortex. If I wasn't careful I could feel part of me being diluted by this otherworldly essence that has attached itself to me. Of course, I resisted its pull with everything I had. The process took an eternity, but eventually, it was over and I found myself surrounded by darkness once again.