The Curfew

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance," Samantha exclaims, exasperated, "You can't miss this concert.""Once in a lifetime? Really? It is going to be in town for three days." I say in disbelief shaking my head."Only one opening night of a 6-month farewell tour for the biggest band in the world. Yes, doesn't matter if they are here all weekend. This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance.""I can't, I can't go on Thursday. I have a Friday morning class, hell, we both do.""So?""You know why! You know Dante would NEVER go for it.""You will let your boyfriend keep you from going to a concert? That is so outdated," Samantha laughs as the other girls join in.I roll my eyes as my friends begin to tease me about the upcoming concert. It would be too late for any event on a school night. I really can't afford to repeat a class. There has been so many things happening in my life that had knocked me back, once after another. Every step I took forward, I had found some way, to undo it.For years I had expressed a desire to go to school to anyone who would listen. I even explained it to Sam countless times and she told me I had to stop asking for permission and just go. Going to junior college was great because I wasn't focused on grades but the associates degree of general ed that I could take to an university. Plus what was the best is how little classes cost so if I wanted to skip a week it would cost almost nothing to take the class over again. But now, the classes are just too expensive."Sam, I don't think I can.""You can't see a concert and then wake up in time to go to classes? Come on, you have done it so many times.""That was before, before it meant so much. I can't do it now.""It's easy, just don't drink during the concert.""Uh huh, sure. That will never happen.""Come on Ashley, of course it wouldn't happen. I have faith in you!" Samantha says with her guilty smile."You will just tease me into drinking until I have to. God, I hate peer pressure.""I would never dream of doing that to you Ash, you can trust me."My eyes naturally roll as I move from looking to Samantha to the pathway along the lake away from campus. No matter what I do, I am always on this path forward. A fork in the road where I face two choices and I hate it. It feels always like there is pressure that to do what I want to do, I disappoint someone. Or worse no matter what I do someone will be disappointed.I had spent years saving for college but every time I was getting somewhere someone would want to do a trip, or a new phone came out. Like I would have to get a new phone because my old one was a few years older, the battery not as good, so the company slows the chip speed to prolong use was outrageous. Feeling cheated from a processing speed I never used the features of, in my texting, social media, or emails. But it was terrible it was happening so either you bought the new phone or you were one of the ones left behind.I really thought that I would make better choices when I was out of my teens. I had dropped out of school twice for skipping classes, once in high school and once at an university my parents paid for. No matter what happened I just couldn't shake the need to he good enough. To do the right thing to have the friends that I needed to survive through the moments of sadness that creeped into my life.Shaking my head, I step away from the girls and go to the tables in the quad to sit down. Samantha seems to rush after me but I just don't understand. She knows the struggles I have with my impulse control it is the reason she introduced me to Dante in the first place. There was something that was fundamentally significant about having someone keep you on the right path.Every decision I made in my own, for myself, always ended in disaster. I always focused on what I wanted, and never what I needed. This is why I wanted to find someone who would hold me accountable and correct me. Never having that growing up, I admit I was terrified the first time I heard Samantha being spanked in the house she shared with Dante. The sounds of her crying and begging for him to stop was overwhelming and felt wrong on a deeply personal level.I was never hit as a child and it didn't make sense to do that to another adult. My parents didn't beat me or even raise their voice at me. They were though always disappointed in my decisions and that hurt in a different way that has never healed. It was so frequently used that I just realized that no matter what I did I was going to let them down. So I just stopped trying after a while.But this was different. I was scared for Samantha but after she came out she was crying and she hugged me. Later that afternoon they were and talking and joking together even though she was still having a rough time sitting around the table. He still treated Samantha like she was loved, versus my parents not talking to me for a week.