Chapter One
I've always thrived on routine. Predictability is my comfort, a steady rhythm I rely on, savoring the certainty of knowing exactly what lies ahead—hell I even indulge myself in the occasional spoiler. But lately, my days have started to feel a bit too still, a touch too empty. There's a silence in the routine now, one I can't quite place…
I wasn't sure if I was looking for something—or anything at all. I didn't feel the urge to search for it, whatever "it" was. But lately, I've been feeling this strange sense of yearning, like a small nagging feeling that I can't shake. It's always there, just beneath the surface, and all I can do is bury it deep in the back of my mind. How long can I keep it there? I honestly don't know.
I'm not blind to it, though. The fact that something so uncertain, so undefined, could rise up inside me at any moment—it's unsettling. No, more than that. It's terrifying.
But life doesn't pause for my fears. The clock keeps ticking, and I can't stop it. I know I have no control over what tomorrow holds, but at least for today, for this moment, the present is still in my hands.
"You sure take your sweet time organizing your desk, huh"
I heard a voice behind me said, pulling me out of the depths of my own thoughts. Without looking at the source of the voice, I responded.
"What's there to rush. I arrived pretty early today and it's kind of soothing on its own."
"You always say that. For starters, you are always here early. We're all even starting to think you're applying for a promotion."
Climbing up the ladder is not something I am against, but I'm not particularly enthusiastic about the idea. But a change of pace once in a while could be nice. I guess I just didn't have the drive to chase it for now.
"Again, I'm not particularly after one. I just happen to enjoy the peacefulness of this office despite this same space being hellish once the clock hits 8."
I turned around to the person who seemed to be engrossed with her phone.
Sato Jangmi is one of the few closest friends I have. It's not that I'm unfriendly, but I tend to keep socializing to a bare minimum, only holding on to people who truly matter. I feel like it's a waste of time and energy to maintain relationships with people I don't share some level of connection with. If we can't keep up with each other, I don't see the point in holding on. Simple as that.
"Hang on, what about you---why are you even this early today? This is a rare sight, Jangmi."
"Well... Inoue's with girl #4 or maybe 5, I don't know anymore. It's awkward so I'd rather not be there if they decide to play all lovey-dovey in the kitchen once they wake up."
Jangmi has been living with her roommate, Hara Inoue, for a couple of months now. At first, she was really excited to have her as a roommate but eventually grew to dislike it when the latter brings home women almost every other week or often than not.
"Is it a different girl from a couple of weeks ago? I'm hoping it's not the crazy one who attacked you. Inoue should at least keep her ladies in check."
I feel bad for Jangmi whenever that happens. Unfortunately for Jangmi, the person she's sharing her apartment with also happens to be one of our officemates.
"Nah, it's a different girl this time, not that I'm keeping track. But I won't disagree with your last statement." Jangmi let out a sigh with a tired look. "I think I'm liking the office more than my apartment and that's just depressing coming from my mouth. I'm not a workaholic like you are."
"Hmm... It keeps me occupied so I'm not complaining."
I hear that remark quite often---that I'm a workaholic. I don't really know how to feel about it. While it doesn't really bother me, I feel like that word makes it sound like work is this tiring, burdensome thing. I don't feel like I'm being forced to work, though. It's just that outside of my job, I don't have much else going on. My life in my apartment is pretty simple. There's no pressing need to go out or do anything else, so I end up working a lot. Not because I have to, but because I don't really have anything else to fill my time.
It's not that I dislike working. It's tolerable. Or maybe I do actually like it, in a way. It fills the emptiness of day-to-day life. I enjoy being preoccupied, having that kind of routine. Though, I wouldn't mind shaking things up a little—if something new ever comes along.
'I should probably get myself a new hobby.'
Time passed quickly, and the once-quiet room is now filled with noise—unnecessary noise, as I'd call it. Not that I can do much about it. If it were up to me, the only sound I'd like to hear is the tapping of fingers on a keyboard—that's what I consider pleasant noise. Sometimes, I try to tune out the chaos around me, imagining I'm surrounded by an invisible barrier where all I can hear are the soft taps and clicks. Just me and the keyboard.
"Hyuna, let go of your laptop already. I'm hungry."
I heard Jangmi calling me. Right, it's lunchtime already. I got up and grabbed only my phone and wallet before heading out of the office. As we stepped out of the elevator, the lively chatter from the lobby greeted me. It seemed like a lot of employees had decided to take their lunch break at the same time.
"Did you hear about the new manager starting today? I heard she's really pretty but a bit standoffish. The guys seem really interested in her, hell even the ladies in our department are gushing about her, but apparently, she turned down everyone's invitation for lunch. That takes some nerve."
"Don't they always come after newbies? They always act like that whenever there's a new fish in the sea."
I simply retorted as we walked down our usual path outside the building. Not that I'm particularly interested in gossip; my comment felt pretty insignificant. It's just the reality of office life.
"You make it sound like they're predators," I heard her snort. "Oh right, I remember—they swarmed like bees on our first day. But I feel like everyone's just fallen in love with you at first sight. Myself included!"
Jangmi laughed when I signaled a dismissive hand as she continued reminiscing our first day.
"It's kind of funny to think about it now, especially when that weird guy asked you out right before you even introduced yourself."
Oh, groaned hearing that. I really don't want to be reminded of it again. It shocked me more than making me surprised or impressed. Nothing about that incident left a positive impression, anyway. The guy just jumped out of nowhere and stood right in front of me, shouting, 'Will you go out with me?' I was more startled by his sudden appearance and annoyed by his loudness than anything else.
I hate loud noises.
"I bet that was just some stupid prank they thought was funny. He just humiliated himself. But you're one to talk, Jangmi, you've gotten your fair share of confessions, too."
"Well, I can't help it if they find me pretty."
"Oh, I'm sure your roommate finds you very pretty, too."
That remark earned me a scowl from Jangmi. I often hear our officemates teased them two about their relationship. It seems Jangmi hates being associated with the same person she comes home to. Ironic, really.
"Please no! I don't wanna hear it. I am happy with Jiro, thank you so much."
Right, I almost forgot that. Jangmi has Jiro—her boyfriend. If it weren't for his existence, I would genuinely believe that Jangmi might not be straight as she claims. But I won't tell Jangmi that, for sure.
Our walk to the nearby café took only a few minutes, and soon we were falling in line to order. I wasn't particularly hungry, but I could eat. It's the usual café we've been frequenting for the past few months, so the menu was already familiar in my mind.
Jangmi was busy scanning the menu while I waited for our turn. Suddenly, a whiff of a familiar scent hit my nose, and I instinctively turned in its direction.
That distinct sweet smell of berries with a hint of vanilla—a scent I had grown fond of.
I didn't catch much of a glimpse of whoever was wearing it. The person seemed to be in a rush to leave, and with a dozen people ahead of us in line, I didn't have the will to keep searching. In the end, I shrugged it off.
'Perhaps we should find a new spot for lunch', I thought to myself as I noticed the café getting noisier. I hate crowded places; they make me feel nauseous.
Once we managed to order our food, Jangmi suggested we eat outside since there were no seats available inside. I readily agreed, grateful to escape the packed café, which felt like sardines in a can.
We settled on a bench just a few steps from the café. It wasn't too humid today, and the breeze felt nice. I noticed my mood was a bit lighter than usual. I wondered why.
"Hey, Hyuna. Are you looking for someone awhile ago?"
"Huh?"
"I saw you glancing around when we were in the line."
"Oh, no, not really. I just happened to smell something familiar, and I got curious," I replied truthfully while sipping my cold brew.
"Really? What was it? An old perfume from your previous romances? Are we finally getting some action here?"
Jangmi began teasing me about my very limited romantic life. She's previously remarked on how I'm wasting my youth by not dating while I'm still in my mid-twenties. It's not that I can't date; I just don't have any reason or drive to do it.
"No and no. I just happened to smell the same fabcon I use at home."
A puzzled look crossed Jangmi's face, as if I had spoken a foreign language.
"Fabcon? Like fabric conditioner for laundry?"
"Yeah."
I happen to love the scent of fabric conditioner more than any perfume. I don't know why, and I'm not really questioning my preferences. There's just something calming about it.
After a few more minutes of Jangmi gushing about the new makeup she bought, we headed back to the office. We arrived just in time to catch the elevator before the doors closed. As the red digits began to count down, we soon reached our floor. The sound of the doors opening was no surprise, but as I stepped out of the elevator, I whipped my head in the direction of someone passing by.
'There's that scent again'.
Maybe four or five people passed by me, entering the same elevator we had just exited. I didn't know which one it was, but I found myself really curious about where that sweet scent was coming from. It smelled like fresh clothes right out of the dryer.
"Hey, you okay, Hyuna?"
Jangmi tapped my shoulder lightly, pulling me out of whatever spell I was in.
I nodded as we walked toward the frosted glass doors of our office. I headed straight to my desk, trying to dismiss my strange thoughts from earlier. It wasn't as if it were an unusual scent; it was simply the smell of my favorite fabric conditioner. I found it unique that someone was wearing that scent instead of a typical perfume. At least that's what I considered common among the people I interact with. Perfumes often mask the scent of clean clothes, which I find unnecessary. Personally, I wear very little perfume, and it varies depending on the occasion. I think I own about four or five types, and most of them are quite similar.
I think I would consider myself a little 'picky' when it comes to scent. I would even say I have quite a strong sense of smell. Because of this, certain fragrances can stand out more intensely for me. I'm more aware of subtle notes, so I tend to gravitate towards scents that are well-balanced and not too overpowering.
It doesn't usually resonate with other people but, whatever.
The rest of the day slipped by, and before I knew it, I was sitting alone at my desk, typing away on my keyboard. Most of the employees in our department had already gone home—it was well past five. Jangmi left a little after six, mentioning she needed to hit the grocery store since she was out of toiletries at her apartment. The last time I glanced around, there were still a few laptops glowing, but to my surprise, when I looked up again, everyone was gone. I checked the clock, and it was already 8:10 p.m. With a sigh, I started tidying up my desk. 'I should head home too,' I thought.
I shut down my laptop, turned off the lights, and decided to call it a day. As I walked, my mind wandered to dinner and what I could whip up. Before I knew it, I was unlocking the door to my apartment. It's just a quick five-minute walk from the office, which is super convenient. I've been living alone for about three years now, ever since I graduated from university. Back in my dorm days, I had three roommates, so living by myself was a big adjustment, but I've managed well so far. Sure, it gets a little boring sometimes, and a bit of loneliness sneaks in now and then, but it's nothing I can't handle.
I don't have many visitors. Jangmi's stopped by once or twice, mostly to vent about her roommate being a pain, but those moments are pretty rare.
I settled down for dinner, which consisted of stir-fried pork and cabbage. Eating alone has never been an issue for me; I've grown used to it. Normally, I'd whip out my phone to watch Netflix while I eat, but tonight, I chose to enjoy the silence as my thoughts drifted to the events of the day.
I often take pride in my independence, relishing the freedom that comes with living alone. There's something empowering about being able to do things on my own, from cooking to making decisions without consulting anyone else. But as I sat there, the quiet of the room began to feel heavier, pressing against me like an unwelcome weight. I couldn't shake the feeling that independence had its price, and tonight, that price felt like solitude.
Sometimes, I wonder if I've taken it too far. I've filled my life with routines and responsibilities, convincing myself that I thrive in my own company. Yet, beneath that facade of strength, there's a growing emptiness that I can't ignore. It creeps in during moments like this—when I realize that the laughter and chatter of friends have been replaced by the hum of the fridge and the distant sounds of the city outside.
I miss the warmth of companionship, the shared smiles and laughter that fill a room with life. Perhaps, deep down, I'm yearning for that warmth after all.
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