Alex sat on the balcony, the sunlight filtering through the leaves of the nearby trees. They could feel the weight of the world pressing down on them, and as they took a deep breath, they turned to Emma, who was sitting beside them, her eyes filled with concern.
"I feel so alone," Alex began, their voice barely above a whisper. "The last five years have been the longest, feeling this way year after year. The more I have this feeling, the more I start to destroy myself and have the urge to die, even though every day is a struggle between whether I should live or die."
Emma listened intently, her heart aching for Alex as they continued. "This loneliness makes me feel like everyone I interact with is so foreign and different, as if I can't connect with them. And when I do connect, I end up becoming too attached, which only leaves me in despair. I start to think I shouldn't even take the time to build relationships when they all fade away anyway, just like my entire upbringing has."
Alex paused, taking a shaky breath, their eyes glistening with unshed tears. "I hope that God will one day lead me to someone who truly cares about me. Someone who genuinely wants to know me and understand how I feel, instead of just leaving me behind. Maybe that's why I've left people too—because it's been a part of my life since I was little."
Emma reached over, placing a comforting hand on Alex's. "You're not alone, Alex. You're complex, and it's okay to feel that way. It's brave of you to share this with me."
"I try my best to be normal," Alex continued, their voice stronger now. "I long for true friendship. I yearn for someone who wants to talk to me. Deleting Snapchat really makes me feel more alone and sad. But isn't it sad in itself that an app can make me feel this way? On Snapchat, you just send pictures of nothing to people instead of actually talking, and you can't even see the text again. You can view it once, but it only gives me anxiety because I can't read whether the person is upset or annoyed when I receive a blank snap."
Emma nodded, understanding the weight of Alex's words. "That sounds incredibly frustrating," she said softly. "It's hard to navigate relationships when communication feels so shallow."
"It fills me with so much anxiety," Alex admitted. "And all the memories I had on that app don't feel like me anymore. I'm not the same person I was back then. I want to say, 'Don't try to get to know me if it's just for your own entertainment.' I feel like a vase—if you touch me too much or interact too much, I'll shatter, and the pieces will be hard to put back together."
"I can see that," Emma said, her voice gentle. "You're precious, and it's okay to protect yourself."
"I've been trying to piece myself back together for years," Alex continued. "And I think I'm better off just standing on the floor, waiting for the flower that will truly bloom inside me to come. My mentality is complex, and I wouldn't want to splinter and hurt you with my existence. So I'd like to be friends with you, but please keep the words 'I care about you' hidden. I've heard it too often, and it's only been to say something nice without any real meaning behind it."
Emma squeezed Alex's hand, her heart full of empathy. "I understand. It's okay to feel that way."
"I'm not saying I don't want someone to care about me," Alex added, their voice steady. "I just need someone to care about me in a way that no one ever has before."
"This stream of thought came because I felt sidelined again and again," Alex admitted. "Please just be honest with me. Even a vase can hold the most beautiful, lasting flowers, and together they grow stronger."
"For the most part, I can't explain how I feel or what I'm going through," Alex continued, their eyes glistening with emotion. "But writing helps me express my struggles. I don't expect a grand response or a deep conversation about it; it just makes me happy to share it. Although I wouldn't mind talking about it, I just don't know how to express these feelings verbally."
"Writing is powerful," Emma said, encouragingly. "You're expressing so much."
"The more I write here, the more I think and empty my vase filled with words that needed to be cleansed. And honestly, I don't want to share this because I'm afraid I won't be able to see you again. But if I decide to one day, I hope it will change for the better. I don't know. You're nice to be with when you have time, and as I wrote on the drawing I gave you, those were my honest thoughts."
"I'm grateful that you're sharing this with me," Emma replied sincerely, her heart swelling with affection for Alex. "I hope for the best for you too."
"God's blessings," Alex murmured, a small smile breaking through their somber expression. For the first time in a long while, they felt a flicker of hope, knowing they didn't have to navigate their struggles alone. Emma was there, listening, and perhaps that was the beginning of something beautiful.