A month ago, my depression got worse, and it's been hard to do anything. My anxiety has been worse too, and it's really affecting my everyday life. I can't sleep properly, and sometimes I feel angry, sad, and empty. The pain I've been going through has really taken a toll on me, especially since I have to deal with it alone, without anyone in my family or friends knowing.
A month I been through this alone, a month I been lock myself at home without set a foot outside and avoiding my friends, a month I been acting as if I'm okay, always put a smile and laugh with family as if I was not in the pain at all. A month I endure this pain that keep me wake from my night sleep, a month I enduring this pain that keep me cry every night, a month the thought of hurting myself keep lingering in my head.
Every day, I pray to God, asking Him to protect me from the bad thoughts and evil whispers. I pray that He helps me not get lost in these dark thoughts, to protect my heart, and to heal me from this pain. Right now, I feel so lonely because I can't talk to my dad, my stepmom, my brothers, or even my friends about what I'm going through. It's not that I don't trust them, it's just that I'm not the kind of person who opens up about personal stuff. I already know what they'd say, and I have to protect my fragile heart, which has already been hurt too much.
Besides my mom, my older sister and her fiancé are the only ones who know what I'm going through. They've been the only family who's really been there for me, always helping me through it. But recently, my sister's fiancé had to move to another city for work, so she's been going there to visit him sometimes. I'd like to go too, but I have a lot of work to do, and there's no one who can take care of my cats.
It makes me feel a little lonely and sad because I'm really close with my brother-in-law. (Not that kind of close, like "Ipar Adalah Maut!") He's my MMA coach and also my biggest cheerleader. I love spending time with them; it makes me feel better and helps me keep my sanity. But now, this house feels a little empty without them. They'd usually take me with them wherever they go, almost like I'm their daughter.
Now, I have to focus on healing myself because my biggest supporters, who've been there for both my mental health and my heart, also have their own lives to live. I keep telling myself I'll be okay and that I've got this. I just need to learn how to control my emotions and not let them take over my mind. I try not to be alone in my room or anywhere else because I also struggle with lypophrenia. I stay with my siblings, play with them, and talk to them, even though sometimes it makes me angry because they can be mean and disrespectful sometimes.
But when I stay in my room, my mind starts racing with thoughts, and it gives me headaches. I miss my mom so much. Sometimes I wonder why I can't talk to my dad about what I'm going through, about the pain I'm feeling. When I try to talk to him, the words just won't come out.
I don't mean to keep this from him, I just can't find the right words to explain how I feel. I do really want to told him about how everyday I feel like I want to hurt myself or I cry every single day or how I feel anxious about little things or how my panic attack come when I feel like I want to talk with him about it. How I feel bad everyday thinking that he must've been so upset with me for not telling him.
I'm sorry.
Even right now I'm still in my healing phase, I just felt like I should write something for you guys to let you know that I still alive and alive. And still hope I can finish my story soon.
P/s - Please forgive me for my bad grammar <3