Season: Autumn
Weather: Partly cloudy
Day of the week: Wednesday
Date: 3rd April, 2024
When I opened my eyes in the morning, it was to see Deaglan lying by my side, smiling softly and drowsily at me. As if wondering if he was dreaming. I was wondering if being in a relationship with him would be worth it or not while appreciating his good looks and sleepy charm. It was a very sweet moment until we both got phone calls from our respective direct managers at work.
Being concerned for our wellbeing, and having already been assessed and referred by doctors, appointments had been booked for us with a psychology clinic that was affiliated with our company. We had been told to present ourselves punctually in the late morning for our appointments at the clinic where we would be having our sessions with with different psychologists at the same time.
Deaglan and I exchanged looks with each other and then got up.
I won't recap what the Psychologist and I talked about, but I will say that she made me furious. Flaming furious. She didn't try to understand me at all, made assumptions that weren't true and had the gall to tell me that I didn't know what I was thinking. She did. Who was the one living in my body now?
I walked out.
As I walked out, I found Deaglan outside the office already done and waiting for me. Both of us saw the flames in the other person's eyes. Deaglan held out his hand and I took it, while the Psychologists chased us from behind asking what they had said wrong.
Deaglan reported about our failed sessions to the company with a scathing review over the Bluetooth while he drove us home.
"It wasn't our fault," he told me once we were safely back home, huddled up on our own couches again. "It wasn't."
"It wasn't our fault," I agreed.
The nerve.
I'm sure there are good Psychologists out there, but the ones we had met were definitely not the ones for us. Perhaps they had only just graduated and didn't really know how to talk to people yet. In any case, we were never going back.
Nevermind that. We decided that it would be better to go to work and keep ourselves distracted than to stay home idling like we had been.
So, work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to getting lost in the zone and forgetting all else.
Feeling frustrated, I paused at a corridor window to look down at the city below while taking a walk in the afternoon.
Cloud shadows sailed across the city, sunlight making the shine and glare of reflective surfaces sparkle in between the cloud shadows. People hurried along or across the roads of the business districts, outside of which, relaxed tourists with their cameras dawdled at shop windows. Traffic flowed and stopped and flowed, making me think of blood flowing along blood vessels.
The sunlight bathed me in a shroud of warmth when my heart was feeling cold. I just wanted things to go back to normal where I could work and not have to worry about anything else. Go back to a life revolving around work and sleep.
Change and my recent health issues has messed my head up. It was no longer relatively calm and peaceful where I only concerned myself with making money and hoping Bezel and my parents were doing well. Now there were people watching me and telling me what to do more. I feel like I've somewhat lost control of my life.
I don't like it.
I'm already a person with few emotions. I haven't had time to think about myself or my emotions. Emotions aren't useful when a person is just trying to survive and get through everyday life. They get in the way. So all the pent up emotions of all these years have accumulated quite a backlog in my mind. There's a lot to think about and process, but it's not work I want to do. This type of work isn't going to earn me any money and I doubt it will be very useful for getting through my day. If anything, it'll mess everything up. Mess up the delicate balance I've been able to achieve.
There are too many things I don't want to think about or face. Too many things I don't want to have to think deeply about or contemplate. Because the results... the conclusions that might be drawn may shake my world and my perception of my identity too much. I don't want to know. I don't want to think about it. Why do I have to?
I know myself. I'm already on shaky ground. If too much more happens right now, the ground beneath me might just give way and I'll fall through. I might fall into a dark pit from which I can't climb out of. The kind of dark pit where dark thoughts roam, multiply and surround you until they engulf you.
And then, I might just climb to the top of this building and... jump.
Who knows. Maybe I'll fly.
So let's not go there. Let's not open Pandora's box. Let the backlog remain. Let the thoughts and observations that have been put on hold stay on hold. It's better that I don't go anywhere near mental health professionals. Because if they stir up the nest, if they poke around in my head too much, the ground might just give way beneath me.
A bird flies past the window and I sit by the balcony, looking out, wondering when my life will...