It was a rainy evening, with the cold wind swirling fallen leaves through the city. Le Yao and I stood at the entrance of the Municipal Maternal and Child Hospital, holding an umbrella. In the midst of the bustling crowd, she looked at me with a hint of paleness in her face.
"Zhaoyang, I'm pregnant."
I was taken aback for a moment, then glared at her and said, "Go find the guy who got you pregnant! Why did you call me out?"
"I've only been with you for the past year; who else should I look for?"
"I can say I've only slept with one woman this year too. Would you believe that?"
"Zhaoyang, do you even count as a man?"
"We're all just here for fun. Don't come and blame me for this mess. If you want me to take responsibility, then bring something tangible to the table. Don't come to me with empty claims. Who the hell wants to be an unwitting father?"
Le Yao fell silent for a moment and said, "I've already terminated the pregnancy; there's no proof left."
I was getting more frustrated: "Do you think I'm some kind of fool? You had the baby removed, and then…" I raised my hand, feeling exasperated, "And then you tell me the child is mine? Are you pretending to be innocent or am I really that dumb? Le Yao, we're both adults here. Can we handle this with a bit more dignity?"
Le Yao bit her lip and stared at me for a while before saying, "You're not willing to take responsibility, right? Tomorrow I'll go to your company…"
"Damn it… is it really necessary?" I snapped.
Le Yao kept biting her lip while looking at me. I thought she was a good actress. We met in a bar and had a fling; a woman who frequently goes out drinking says she's only been with one man in a year. If I believed her, I'd be a complete idiot.
Not wanting to linger on this conversation, I pulled out my wallet, took out a hundred-yuan bill, and handed it to her. "Isn't it just money you want? Take it, and don't bother me again!"
Le Yao didn't say anything or continue the argument. She nodded and turned to walk into the hospital, as if there were still some unpaid bills lingering…
Watching her lonely figure in the rain, I suddenly felt an indescribable emotion. Although I didn't believe her child was mine and was annoyed with her, I sensed that her life must not be easy right now, or else she wouldn't be trying to extort money from me.
After a moment of silence, I finally called out to her, "Wait…"
Le Yao turned to look at me.
I pulled out a bank card and handed it to her. "This card allows you to overdraft a little money. You just had surgery; buy yourself something to recover."
But Le Yao didn't take it. "... No need. Just seeing you willing to take responsibility is my goal. I came to you because I didn't want to be casually slept with and then casually end up pregnant!"
…
In the bar, I drank alone while waiting for my only close friend and colleague, Fang Yuan.
From the first day I entered this bar, I had seen countless lonely women and empty men drinking all sorts of alcohol, some silent, others filled with desire, searching for something called "drunken debauchery."
In fact, when we cast aside our physical selves during the day, losing our souls in this world of lights and alcohol, we are already living in a state of drunken debauchery.
I don't remember exactly when I began to consider this place my refuge. I liked the women who swayed their bodies, the swaying lights, the variety of colorful drinks, the scent of perfume mixed with tobacco, and the indulgence in debauchery that turned my tumultuous past into a gravestone.
I lit a cigarette, pulled off the plastic wrap from the pack, and covered it over my eyes, watching the flickering lights. My body swayed along, and in the refracted light, I seemed to see a kind of decadent life of getting by! I couldn't help but become entranced!
…
Fang Yuan snatched the wrap from my hand, and suddenly, my world became clear again.
"What's the rush in calling me?" Fang Yuan set down his briefcase and took a cigarette from my pack to light up.
"Need to borrow some money. I've been extorted!"
"Did you get some girl pregnant again?" Fang Yuan said nonchalantly.
"Not this time! I've been really extorted…"
"Who's trying to extort you this time?"
"Why do you have to ask so many questions?"
"I've lent you thousands of yuan before; you should at least let me know who's extorting my money!"
"Le Yao." I lit a cigarette, still fuming.
"That model?"
"Exactly her. The circle is so messed up. She says she's only slept with me in a year. Do you believe that? Fang Yuan, if this happened to you, would you believe it?" I was so worked up that I started banging my fingers on the table.
"This kind of thing wouldn't happen to me. Besides, she wouldn't try to extort you for just a few thousand, would she? Last month, all the promotional posters for our department store were shot by her; she made over ten thousand just from that…"
I snorted derisively and interrupted Fang Yuan. "Have you seen her daily spending? Ten thousand isn't enough to cover her for a month! Now that she's gotten into trouble with someone else, she thinks of me as a cheap backup! I'm really pathetic. I shouldn't have introduced her to our company in the first place; she made quite a bit from us, and now she's flipping the script on me! Where's her industry integrity?"
Fang Yuan ignored my anger and asked quietly, "Did you use protection when you slept with her?"
I thought for a long time, only remembering that I had been drinking heavily and was nearly blacked out. I couldn't recall if I had used a condom. After a long pause, I said, "I did… otherwise I wouldn't be saying I got extorted!"
Fang Yuan looked at me skeptically and sighed after a while. "Zhaoyang, we've been friends for almost ten years. Sometimes I really want to advise you. I know breaking up with Jianwei hit you hard, but it's been two years. You don't need to keep degrading yourself…"
"Time doesn't wait for anyone. Why not settle down and find a proper girlfriend?"
When Jianwei's name came up again, I instinctively froze for a moment before saying, "Don't meddle in my affairs. I'm doing just fine!"
"Not lacking in troubles, huh?"
…
Fang Yuan lectured me for a long time, and I impatiently brushed him off. Finally, he left with a parting remark of "a waste of potential," having forgotten about my loan.
Fortunately, after two years of hanging out in the bar and often bringing friends to spend, I had become relatively familiar with the bar owner, so this time my drinks would go on the tab.
As I walked out of the bar, holding an umbrella in the rain-soaked streets, I truly felt what it meant to be all alone. After two years of struggling in this city, all I had gained was endless emptiness and loneliness.