The strange odor of antiseptics made the air feel dense as Emily walked into the surgical ward, clutching her white coat which appeared to be dripping with nerves. Six months into freshers' year in a medical institution and today was the day they started their clinical training. The first surgical ward was the center of Emily's impulses, therefore she couldn't help the anxiety that came with the anticipation. Decisively, she pulled in a breath however, it didn't help for the anxious anticipation was still coursing through her body.
While the students settled in a half moon shape anticipating their teacher, Emily was looking around the room at her classmates who were busy in conversations. She had already adjusted to the uncomfortable stares, or when some of her peers would elbow each other as they smiled at her. Emily had perfected the art of maintaining her poise in an unwavering fashion, while she did not appreciate the cruel remarks, during a time when it was all in abundance.
When the members of the group waited in confusion and excitement for the next person, sudden silence loomed when the door was pushed open and the native sounds of echoing feet filled the space. Her attention turned at once with the group: it was him, a man adamant and serene at the same time, who had just walked in the room that oriented all eyes towards him.
He assessed the group and, after a thoughtful pause, shifted his attention toward the front of the room and the pupils. "Dr. Harrison?" His voice was steady and composed, as though he was very used to meeting people in authority. He was dressed in his blue scrubs and a white coat. "I am Dr. Harrison and I am the head of the Surgery Department," he said. He was calm and straight to the point. 'For this rotation, I will be supporting you in introducing practical skills, and patient cases and get acquainted with basic surgery practices.' Emily's head was made up of mixed feelings. He hadn't seen this young man in years and a half. She must admit she wasn't surprised when she heard his name, but some part of her still wished to see him. And now, there is a view of it standing several feet away from her face, and it is her face just like in the past. Liam had always been a caring friend to her and she has always appreciated the way he took care of her when he was in the hospital. She could never forget those nights when he had all the time in the world to shield her from sinking into despair. However, the quiet yet painful epiphany came when she stood up. It appears he has not seen her before.
So much the emotions were for her, staring at her, but she was making an effort to look composed on the outside.
She and the students initiated their tasks – Harrison's voice was clear and calm as he walked them through the basics of suturing wounds and examining patients. Emily shifted her concentration on the lesson. She couldn't allow herself to be left behind, not in this atmosphere where everyone was ready to give their best and where her colleagues would not hesitate to take any chance to put her down.
He executed movements with the precision of a mallet and the agility expected of someone with experience. But the whole time, he had not once turned her way, nor did he hint that he might recognize her. He was calm as always, focusing only on the lesson.
"Now that you've watched, let's put it all into practice. Who wants to go first?" Dr. Harrison said, expanding his arms to allow them some room.
This made Emily slightly nervous as she watched her trembling hands pull the needle through the dummy. She had noticed that others had already begun work and she was late for her session.
Once more, the whispers started, reassuring, low hissing sounds that ocher pained respect to her wear seal. "Will you at least attempt to do a modest suture?" A classmate spoke almost inaudibly, his face contorted in a cruel smile. "Perhaps this is not the place for those who are not... cut out for it."
Her hands trembled as she attempted to concentrate, but the sounds that reached her ears were more painful than the most brutal beatings, betraying her uneasy feelings. She cast her gaze down and believed that she will not give them the chance to enjoy her expression when they succeed, although this becomes thoroughly simple with every further comment in the room. Almost seconds before she was preparing to try her first suture, the low tones of Harrison's voice disrupted the background noise.
"Keep Silent," he directed, his voice and posture leaving no doubt. All the students in the class quieted, and although Emily had that blinking feeling, which spoke of optimism, that perhaps for one moment his attention was directed exclusively upon her, she had no sooner forced herself to think so than he shifted his attention back to the masses.
"In response to those attempting to tender their views, I will stress once more that I owe this clarity: I want people to respect me and my career," he emitted while addressing the class sharply, yet his voice remained unflustered. "We have come to learn not to condemn. We have come here to complain about everything and anything but our own work, you are not going to stay here with me for very long, either."
The silence which followed his words was loaded with expectancy, the kind that was clear as crystal.
Emily's face turned red but she did not feel any embarrassment as she was thankful that someone had stood up for her even if the defense had not been addressed directly to her. Dr. Harrison turned to the next student and repeated himself over the student's writing, his confidence returning enough to focus on the task.
She exhaled, feeling centered, prudent enough to re-initiate the practice this time following his steps one by one. There was slight trembling of her hands but each time she finished a part of the activity she would feel sense of achievement. Yes, she could do this even if it meant shutting the noise out.
As the class was over, her peers vacated the room in groups exchanging jokes and finally she was left for a few minutes alone in the deserted practice room. She packed her items and her thoughts were a collage of conflicting emotions. A small section of her was thankful to his tact but she was aware that he was doing that due to the conditions placed on professionalism. He did not know he existed. His blank expression of confusion was rather painful, the type of gaze which suggested that you did not exist as anything other than one of many people completing the task.
She was aware that it was pointless getting hurt in that manner.
In the end, it was of no concern for him to think of her – he was busy: a busy surgeon to whom number of patients and their families were of no concern. Why did she think that going so many years without contact he would still recall her? And yet, she had. She had even nursed a rather silly hope that perhaps this time he would have dedicated a thought for her after the help he had given her, and Liam.
She slowly walked down the deserted corridor towards her hostel room when the harshness of reality hit. The life that she had led after those hard times has been full of so many hardships and in the end, she had managed to never experience those moments they encountered ever meant anything more. But she was wrong of course, very wrong.
Emily that evening remained in her room and tried looking through her notes but found it impossible. The thought of Dr Harrison, the person who has been her savior at her most desperate moment came to her mind. It was really naive of her to assume that he still carried any recollection of her. With a sigh, she put away her books and tried to focus on the present world. She had signed up to be a Doctor, to get her and Liam a new life. All that has blared between them was past.
With that decision, she braced herself for the following day knowing it would be filled with many more difficulties.