We were both five when we graduated kindergarten from different schools. I am three months older than you and taller than you, even though we are both the shortest students in our batch.
I don't know how we really did meet. I just woke up one morning, and I already play with the neighbor's kid. We just transferred to our new house, and you were there. We don't really live next to each other, but a few houses away, it is still easy to run to when I need you.
We both attended the same school in elementary; I really don't know you yet that time, but I am already aware of your presence. I thought we were going to be classmates in our first grade, but there were sudden changes, and I was moved to a different class. I really want to cry that time, especially that I am alone in such a strange place, yet I tried my best not to do so because the girl beside me is already sobbing and the teachers are already panicking and calming her down. I ended up enjoying my year in that class though, even though you are not in it.
When we moved to second grade, my mother pushed me to the teacher she knew, and we ended up as classmates, and who knew that after that, we were going to be classmates until we graduated elementary.
My family name starts with the letter B, and yours is A, so we always sit next to each other. If you are not sitting beside me, you were at my back or in my front.
I still remember; I was seven when I started to have a crush on you. Maybe because I find you cute, especially that rabbit tooth of yours that you really hate, but I love it though. Or because you are the top student in our class and we were always together.
It was Saturday afternoon at that time. I just got home from playing with the other kids. I am wearing an old, dirty dress that I always have. Yes, I might look messy, but who cares. I am seven and enjoying my childhood. I saw your mom in our living room with another woman talking to my mom; I don't know what they are talking about. I just greeted them and went directly to my room.
The next thing I knew was that there was already a tall young man knocking on our door Sunday morning, and you were with him. Every Sunday, it is already like a routine; you and your cousin go to our house, and we go to church together. Spend the whole day there and go home in the afternoon.
Your family transferred to another house, a little bit far from ours. "Our house is big, isn't it?" That is what you said when we first went to your place. It is just a small bungalow house, but I admit that it's bigger than ours, and you are proud of it.
We were almost six when we first went home together from school. I don't remember how we ended up in that situation, but I kind of like it. You are always the one who keeps on talking, and I am just listening to you, nodding and agreeing sometimes while keeping up your pace. We are both like small people walking beside the road; once the driver of a truck doesn't see us, it will be the end. It is just a twenty-minute walk from school to my house, but because we have small steps, it took us half an hour to do so. I still remember how shy I was when my shoelace suddenly went off. You might think that I am stupid for not having an idea how to tie it when I am already in the age where I am starting to be independent. You didn't say anything; instead, you kneeled in front of me to tie my shoelaces while instructing me how to do it so that I could do the work even though I was not with you. I will not forget how you taught me how to tie it in a unique way while saying the dragon went into the cave or something instead of just a simple ribbon tie. While you are doing the action, I took a glance at yours. I wonder if you are the one tying it, for it was so perfect. I never expected that I would learn how to tie shoelaces from you instead of my mother, who does it every morning.
There is the other girl who lived next to yours; she's rich and beautiful. Everyone adores her; she has everything that I have to live without. She's famous, and other students follow her. She's always the second-top student while you are the first. It is already no wonder why you liked her; well, who doesn't? I don't hate her for that, but I also do adore her; she's easy to talk to, helpful, and understanding. No need to ask myself what you'd seen in her.
Your mom invited her and her siblings to go to church with us, so sometimes she attends the Sunday mass with us. I don't like the idea that she has to be there even on Sundays. And what I don't like more is that she also plays with us across your house where there is a huge vacant lot while we are waiting for lunch to be cooked. You always play badminton together, and I am out of place. I am really not interested in sports, and I'd rather run around with other kids.
I know that you enjoy having time with her; you always tell me that too. You really admire her; she is what you always talk about. And I am just like a stupid kid who nods at everything you say.
I suddenly stepped on the wrong cement when we were going to our class and was about to fall, but you are there. I am so embarrassed that I bumped into you, and you had no choice but to catch me. You were shocked by what happened, but don't worry, I am way more surprised. But that was only the beginning—the beginning of handling my clumsiness. As we grew up, every time I fell, you were there.
I really like cats, which is why I was so glad when my father's boss gave us one. We just got home from church when we saw a small box in front of our door. My father opened it, and a small black and white cat welcomed us. I named him Mimi, which is your older sister's nickname. Yeah, Mimi, even though the cat is a man. So every time I look for him and call his name, you always ask me if I am calling your sister.
Do you remember the time that you saw me very worried when you suddenly visited? I am looking for my cat, who got lost in the forest near our house. I was really worried that time, but the sadness decreased when you helped me look for him and we both shouted his name. We went in the forest; even my father had already warned us.
My hand is shaking as we walk through the deepest of that place, not just because I am worried of my cat, but I am also scared at the same time. You noticed the uncomfortable feeling that I had, then held my hand without hesitation. I looked at you like I was going to cry anytime, yet you flashed a weak smile, like telling me that everything would be okay. You didn't say anything, but I feel safe. One wrong step, and I was about to fall from dry pine needles, but I forgot that you were there. I mouthed thank you, and you gave me the same smile.
We spent almost a couple of hours in the forest; however, we didn't get to see my cat. You asked me how long he had gone. I told you with teary eyes that he didn't come home last night for the first time, although I am aware that he always goes out at night like he was going to a cat club or something, but he never missed dinner. You said that it is better for us to go back since it is also already getting dark and you are just going to treat me to ice cream to cheer me up.
My brother asked us where we had been; he looked down. I just noticed that our hands are still in each other's. He smiled annoyingly when the two of us got shy.
I heard a sound at his back; the cat went out of the house like it just woke up from a deep sleep. I was dumbfounded when I saw him. I asked my brother if the cat has been there for a long time; he said that it is just sleeping in the bed the whole time. My jaw dropped. I just want to be swallowed in the ground right now.
I look at you with pity, thinking that you will get angry at me for getting all through those things for nothing. However, you didn't; you gave me a weak smile when I was too embarrassed to even say sorry. What shocked me even more is that you still invited me to go and eat ice cream.
"Cookies and cream, right?" I nod. I don't know that you know my favorite flavor of ice cream.
I am stuttering as I get the ice cream in your hand while shyly apologizing. You didn't care at all and told me that it was just nothing; it was also a good experience. You even told me that you got a cat in your place also and asked me to visit you sometimes. We ate the ice cream you bought in front of the store near our house, sitting next to each other with a smile on our faces.
I remember that I was around eight or nine when you admitted that you had a crush on that girl. I can't bring myself to root for you or to even react. We were eight when we spent a lot of time; I mean, we are in the same friend group. There are only the three of us though—you, me, and another girl. She even asked me if I like you; she gave an answer to her own question, though. She said that she had a crush on you. I cannot even blame her, who did not.
Do you remember when we had a program in school where all grade levels were required to perform or do something for that event? The teacher asked us to find a partner to dance with. Everyone is busy doing their things while I am just in the corner, knowing that no one is going to choose me. I was the center of bullying my whole childhood; no one dared to get near me or choose me. I am already planning to back out when you suddenly stand beside me. All of their laughter's turn surprised. Everyone is expecting that you will be partnered with that girl, the one you like. Well, they said that you look good together.
I whispered in your ears, What are you doing? like it is some kind of stupidity. You just laugh at me and hold my hand tightly. You told me that if you are not going to choose me, then who will? I still can't believe it is already your chance to get close to her, but you chose to be a nobody that time with me.
I can't remember how many times I apologize for stepping on your feet countless times and keep on messing the dance. I know you are already pissed and regretting staying with me, yet you always say it is okay.
I don't know that you are really serious about this performance when there are no additional points included. You always call me to practice, every after class, on Sundays after church, or whenever we have a chance. I even practice by myself at night, so I will not step on your foot anymore.
On the day of the performance, I am both nervous and uncomfortable. I am wearing a short sleeveless shiny dress and two-inch heels when I am not used to. Furthermore, the butterfly in my stomach starts to party hearing the loud applause behind the curtain. You stand beside me fixing your necktie and white polo shirt like it is not a big deal, as if your clothes are not so big for you. I even asked you if you are okay; I cannot see any nervousness in your body. Instead of answering me, you returned the same question. You even say that I have nothing to worry about because you got me as your warm hand held mine and we started to walk on the stage. I gaze at you, yet you are busy smiling at the people and waving at them.
You gave me a small piece of chocolate after a performance as a reward for a job well done. I didn't prepare anything for you in return; you said what I did was already enough.
I was eight when I got the bullying the most. That is the hatest year of my elementary days. Our classmates take a peek at my underwear, spit on my face, put rice on my notebooks, and put rocks in my bag. And what's the worst is that the teacher never did anything about it but supported them instead; she's crazy. I will never forget her name. The worst teacher I ever had. Most of the time, I am going home messy and crying, and you were there. You see the whole ocean coming out of my eyes. You fix my clothes and hair when they are messy after class and telling me that everything will be okay.
We ended up always going home together after class, sometimes with the other kids, but most of the time, it was just us two. I am kind of a girl who is quiet and shy all the time, so you are the one who always makes the effort to keep the conversation going on.
The sun is starting to set, which turned the sky dandelion. We were only a few steps away from my house when we passed by a gumamela field, which we always see every day near an abandoned two-story house that was said to be hunted. I was startled when your voice suddenly faded when you were in the middle of telling something and wondered why you were not walking beside me anymore. I looked back and saw you standing in front of the field; that was the first time I saw your eyes shine and look at you with amazement. You said that it was beautiful without blinking or turning in my direction. I just nodded to agree. You picked one and gave it to me—the first flower I ever received. I also picked one to give it to you, but unfortunately, it is not the fresh one yet you still accept it with a smile, telling me that is okay when I apologized and told me that you can just replant it. I kept that gumamela in my notebook and let it dry once I got home. Now, it is already in a frame.
It is already a tradition that every first Sunday of the month, the whole church is going on a short trip after morning mass. I will never forget how we used to play house while the preaching was going on. You are always my husband, and I am your wife; sometimes I am serving you at home, and sometimes we are getting married. I really feel awkward and a little bit uncomfortable, especially that there are also other kids insisting on doing that. However, you look unbothered in that kind of setup and even insist on holding my hand while marching on our invented altar.
It is also the first Sunday of January, just right after the new year, when the adults suddenly plan to go on a picnic. It is almost an hour and a half travel from church to the open field. It is very wide, beautifully wide, and green. A field that is only for us. While the mothers are preparing the food, you invite me to go for a walk. I just want to lay in the grass and roll over, but I know that you will just laugh at me. We checked every corner of the place, and I remember the small river hidden at the end. That is where you jokingly pushed me but were ready to catch me holding my hand while laughing. I pouted, and you apologized with a laughing face.
After a minute or so, the mothers had already called us to eat. We raced there, yet no one won for the reason that we keep on pulling at each other. I really like the fried noodles, and yours is fruit salad. We got a lot of food and shared it together. You put foods on my plate, and I put yours; sometimes you offer to feed me. I am shy because it feels like all the heat in my body went up to my head. After the picnic, we slept at each other's shoulder on the way home.
I forgot to get my sewing materials for the sewing class while everyone brought theirs. The teacher started giving instructions already when you saw my empty table. You asked me if I forgot, and I flashed a small, weak smile as a response. I thought you would be disappointed in me, yet you reasoned out again. You remember that I attended a Bible study last night, so I didn't get a chance to prepare in this class. I nod to agree on your hypothesis and share your sewing material with me. I remember that I always found it hard to insert the thread in the needlehole. When you noticed that it was taking me a long time and not finishing something, you gave me your need with a thread already. I admit, that simple action makes me blush. Also, the next day, where I already brought mine, the first time I insert the thread in the needlehole, that makes me very happy, like it is a big achievement. You congratulate me and celebrate with me.
I hate science, but not as much as I hate math. Whenever the teacher has a recitation session, I hide myself so that he will not call me. Besides that, I am shy, and I also don't know the answer. Yes, I am slow. Maybe there are times that I can't follow the lecture nor even memorize the respiratory system. Unfortunately, no matter how much I hide, I can't avoid the teacher's gaze when he already throws his question at me. I don't know what to say, and everyone's eyes looking at me make me feel more pressure. Yet suddenly, I forgot that you are sitting beside me, who always whispers the answer secretly. Not just in class recitations but also when I play games with our other classmates during break, you suddenly join in and help me, which makes me the winner sometimes.
This is also the year that you got close to one of our girl classmates who also lives nearby; she's a transfer student and became our friend... Or maybe just your friend. She became close to you. You are always together, from going home, cleaning the room, eating lunch, or doing homework, and other kids are already wondering if you are dating. But like, really?! In a young age?! However, the two of you always avoid that question.
I got a concussion for the first time; I never imagined it would happen that way. We were playing with the other kids after lunch when suddenly someone running bumped into me. I lost consciousness, so I don't really remember the whole detail nor how long I am sleeping. I still get the feeling when I slowly open my eyes and see you with the other running towards me in a blurry vision that is slowly clearing. The first thing you asked me was if I remembered you or your name. I did not give you an answer but just stared at you with confusion. The next thing you asked was if I knew how many fingers you were putting up; you did that one for two to three times. I don't know if you are so concerned or just teasing me. You saw the bandage in my head with blood on it. I know you want to touch it, but our friend stopped you. Instead, you asked if it was painful. The two of you told me the whole story; I can't really remember; I just based my imagination on your story. After class, you helped me go home as if I couldn't walk.
We used to play, run, and roll over in the wide grassland near the school; it is a good place to have a picnic. I really like playing there, not just because it is a good place but also because of the relaxing atmosphere it gives you plus the fresh air that you will not receive in other places. One time, I accidentally touched a broken glass hiding in tall grasses. My whole hand is covered in red, yet I am not crying or saying anything. I am not panicking, but you are. You rushed—I don't know where—to get alcohol and a bandage. I really hate alcohol; it stings and is painful. I told you that I don't need it, yet you insist because you said that my wound needs to be clean to avoid infection. I wonder if you still remember how you blow the wound every time you dump a cotton with alcohol in it to lessen the pain. After a couple of minutes or so, you finally covered it with a bandage while reminding me to change it after class and clean again before sleeping at night and once in a while. It feels like you are a doctor and I am your patient, imagining that you are wearing a long white gown while prescribing me medicine. You might look gorgeous in that profession in the future.
When we were ten, I had a different friend group. I am really close to one of them; we are inseparable. We eat lunch together, hang out after class, and go home together.
Every lunchtime, we are going to the forest at the back of our school to play. One time, we lost track of time and went late to the first period in the afternoon. The principal is waiting in front of our room; he is really a big person, a scary one, so when he asked us where we went, thank goodness that one of our classmates thought fast and made a reason.
Do you remember when you got the zero score in class for the first time? Everyone else got a perfect score except you because you didn't read the instructions carefully. You didn't understand what you did. You cried in front of everyone while we just looked at you in pity. You are always the top student, and you don't know how to get a low score, and it might step in your pride. I want to laugh at you and tease you like I win in a game, but I cannot find myself to do it.
This friend of mine that I thought will last forever even though I still don't have an idea what forever is taught me a said to be shortcut that she found it out herself. It is kind of like a dumpster to me; nevertheless, I still follow her there every afternoon. She also taught me that it is okay to wear slippers and pajamas in school, like it was just an extension of our living room. I heard you whisper to your seatmate when you first see me in that outfit, like I am the poorest among the poorest. However, I didn't really care though; it is my favorite pajama after all, and it is comfortable.
On the other hand, we met halfway going home, and we told you the shortcut that we discovered. You didn't believe it was a shorter path than the main one. I can't blame you though; besides, I also am not convinced that it is a shorter way than we used to. Nonetheless, I still put it on a debate that we end up racing; you will walk on the main way and I am in the shortcut. I ran as fast as I could not care for the mud in the way and stepped on it all the way out. I thought you were going to laugh at me or tease me into going home with dirty feet, yet I didn't expect that you didn't; instead, you explained what really happened to my friend as if you were with me at that time. I just agree with your conclusion, even though it really did not happen. I know that there is mud on the way and not dry soil. All I think during that time is I have to win from you and not thinking of other things like stepping on it.
The weather is crazy—crazier than me? It is cold early in the morning, as in ice cold, that it makes me so lazy to take a bath. In the middle of the day, it is hot, very hot like a summer day, and in the afternoon, the sky is gray and angry. It is iconic that we never bring an umbrella at the same time. Whenever you have one, I don't, and vice versa, so we always end up sharing. You always invite me to commute; sometimes I say yes; I don't really have a fare because I am saving my allowance; sometimes I refuse yet end up in the same seat in the car with you because you insist on paying for it, saying that I shouldn't get wet. It seems you noticed me shaking while hugging myself on the way home that you offered your jacket. I am saying no, and I am okay, yet deep inside I want to get it and use it, transferring your smell to me. You never fail to say bye and take care, even if your house is farther than mine; it also never fails to make me smile.
December is the time you will already hear a lot of Christmas songs everywhere or see colorful lights in buildings, along with the cold wind that rushes on your skin like it is whispering in your ears. Every year, before we go on Christmas break, our school is doing a Christmas party at the same time, our last year in elementary. I am not happy though; when I received my gift, I forgot what it was, but I know that it is not what I want. When the program is over, on our way home, I told you about it. I can still hear your voice in my mind when you say that I should have told you what I like so that you can give it to me. You said that you have it at home. One of your mother's stuck in her buy-and-sell business. The next day, you asked to meet. I thought you just wanted to play or something; however, I did not expect what happened next. You gave me a plushie that I have been telling you since yesterday that I want one. It never came to mind that you were really going to give me one that you really came on your way just to give it to me. What is more surprising is what the plushie looks like; it is a small teddy bear dressed as a groom. You showed me yours also; it is a small teddy bear dressed as a bride. So mine is the groom teddy bear, and yours is the bride teddy bear...so cute. It feels like a matching couple thingy.
I almost forgot the first time we went on a school trip. I was excited yet nervous at the same time. I was excited, just like any other kid who is looking forward to this day, can't sleep the night before, imagining what might happen, and preparing everything to bring like you are already going to carry your own house. I am not that exaggerated though; I just can't wait for this to happen. I was also nervous, for this is my first time, and I already saw a lot of accidents happening on school trips in the news or in movies. I might just be overthinking or watching too many horror films. We were going to a place I had never heard about. I'm not even listening to the teacher's announcement or reminders before the bus starts moving.
I was sitting in one seat at the back of the bus beside the window by myself; of course no one wants to sit with me because they don't want to be bullied the entire trip... aside from you.
I am not shocked why you chose to sit where no one else wants, like the party is only happening in front of the bus and the left-overs are seated at the back. I asked you, 'What are you doing?' Like those eyes staring at you leave you unbothered. You just said that you want to sleep and that you cannot do it in front of them because they are too noisy. I answered, saying, 'Why not go in there?' The seat beside your crush is empty; that is already your time to shine. Nevertheless, you told me that if you go there just to make your crush impress like you always do, it will leave me alone at the back, which bothers you the most. I don't know if you really meant what you said or if you just pity me. Did you do that because I'm a loner? Or because our families are friends. I don't have energy to talk more about those white lies of yours, yet I also don't want to assume anything. I leaned my head in the window glass, closed my eyes, and listened to the cold wind coming in like it was whispering a message.
I felt something cold touching my face that woke me up from sleeping the entire trip. I thought there was a cold drop of water coming from somewhere in my face. However, in my surprise, it is just your hand touching my cheeks. We were both startled, and our eyes widened on this sudden interaction as it met for a second or two. I asked you what you were doing with an annoying tone of voice as I pushed your hand away. You tried to open your mouth, looking for the right words to say. You ended up saying that you were just checking on me. I asked you again in the same tone, 'What do you mean?' I mean, am I dead or something that you need to check on me? Don't get me wrong, but I am not just comfortable when someone touches any part of my body without me knowing it, especially if it is from an opposite sex. You were about to answer, but one of our classmates interrupted, saying that the teacher was already looking for us. I glanced at you one last time before getting off the bus.
You tried to apologize for the whole day whenever you had a chance, gathering together when the teacher told us to for another reminder and announcement, while getting food for lunch and eating at a side by side table, fixing things in our own rooms, and other encounters, yet whatever you say, I don't listen.
One of my classmates asked why we were arguing and learned that you asked her favor to apologize to me and give me a blue tulip that you just picked in a field nearby, my favorite flower. I told her that it was nothing, and I will talk to you myself. I went out of the room after I finished fixing my own luggage to get a glass of water. You are there, leaning on the wall beside the door, waiting for me. I acted like I didn't see you and continued walking to the kitchen. You start explaining again walking in my phase as I walk faster and faster. I startled you because it makes you stop talking, which is also getting faster and faster like our speed when I suddenly stopped, yet it startled you more when I faced you without having an idea what I will do next. I admit, it makes me nervous, like I suddenly swallowed my tongue, but I have to act tough even though the heat of my body is almost going up to my head already, knowing that our face is very close, as in very close that I can already feel your breath. I looked at you in your eyes, which is already looking at me; it makes me more nervous, like my heart is going to beat out of my body, so I looked at your lips instead, which I also regretted doing. I swallowed, yet still no one dared to move. We were still close when I told you that I understood and I already forgive you. I know that you're just trying to wake me up but don't know how. Suddenly, your ice is sparkling, and your lips widen when you say, 'Really?! ' I just nodded and told you, Don't do it again; it is uncomfortable. I did not finish my sentence for the reason that you suddenly hugged me tightly. You kept on thanking me and saying that you felt relief. I said that I did not do that for you but for me; I just don't want something to destroy my happiness. I looked forward to this one like I don't have pride while thinking if I will hug you back.
I don't know if you still remember that one December, we stayed in one house for a night because we have a church program that we need to attend the next day, and that house is the nearest location we got. It is a two-story old wooden house where there is a cemetery at the back. That night, I don't know if I am just scared that there might be a ghost and someone might climb up on the big window near me or feeling nervous about the fact that it is my first time to spend a night with you, thinking that you are just in the bed next to mine.
My eyes are stuck on you while you are praying before bed. I hoped that I would not make a sound just for this night.
Next morning, the adult woke us up at exactly six o'clock to prepare. We get in line first before going to the bathroom. I still remember how my mom brags about my outfit that time that she just bought. We ate dried noodles and eggs for breakfast and went to church after.
I don't know if you feel embarrassed that I don't know the local language that natives use during the Sunday school and moved away from me. I can still hear your voice when you say that it is just me as you carry your chair away from me. The first thing that entered my mind is...when did we grow apart? You didn't talk to me for a whole day until we went home like we were strangers, yet you still give a big smile to other kids. I should have told you how sorry I am for not knowing the local language and having to deal with me. If I approach you first, maybe you will give me the same treatment as them. Yet, I got shy and let it slide until December ends.
Graduation is just a corner away; we spent most of the time practicing the songs we are going to sing that day. As expected, I am in front of the line, and you are standing beside me. However, after a few days, the teacher told you to move at the back...at my back.
After the program, I thought we could finally have a picture together wearing our graduation attire. You are the first person I looked to, even when I heard my brother calling my name. I went in crowds thinking that you were there till the place that was least crowded. I already looked all over the school, but I cannot even see your silhouette. I was already giving up when I heard your mother say'smile'. An energy suddenly went up to my head to look back. I saw her in the school garden holding a camera with a smile. But when I look at you, the energy that I have suddenly fades away. You are taking a picture with that girl, the girl you said you have a crush on. The girl who is beautiful, smart, and rich. The girl that everyone said you look good together. What crushed me more is when your mother said that you two look good together and told her parents that they should be in-laws. You shyly smiled at her idea and covered your face in red, while she felt embarrassed when her parents agreed, like it was their idea from the beginning.
Before we go home, your mother invites us to your house, for she prepared a little feast. It makes me happy somehow that we are going to celebrate this special day together; that is what I thought. Little did I know that she was also invited to that little celebration. I went home without taking a single photo of us together.