My face hurts like hell.
But what hurts more is my head, because there is no way in hell I am anywhere near my house. I reviewed my memory at least 4 times now and can confirm two things.
1. I left my house to buy groceries with a terrible outlook on life
2. I have no idea where the fuck I am
Looking around me I can see a dried-up area and the scene has been about the same for the past hour so I can't really say it is a hallucination anymore since those go away by the half-hour mark. Or I could be like that one guy who hallucinated in just a moment that he had a job and a loving family.
What I'm also certain of is that if this is all really real then I am just great, this is a full blank wipe, or just an end. To be fair this could be my end if I don't find food or water, or it could be my new opportunity to live a better more fulfilled life.
As I looked closer at my surroundings I realized that I was in quite the peculiar pickle. Around me was a dried-up area with patches of pink grass growing here and there, some of the grass had turned yellow and dry, probably due to the sun above which although it wasn't strong, was still pretty hot. Beyond my close-up view, I could see a tree growing on the side of a tall wall of rock or stone, probably the same stuff the ground was made up of. The fruit growing on that tree was weird too, looked like a pomegranate but I was certain it was much softer than one. Perhaps it was old?
My steps crunched against the ground, my steel-toe boots showed their resilience as tiny stones and clumps of sand crackled under my mighty foot. Except they didn't, I'm naked.
My shoes are gone, and so is my shirt and my pants. I should have stated this part first but this was honestly the last thing I noticed. My sense of touch has gotten far too dull from the excessive amount of drinking I'd been doing with my coworkers every Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and just about every other day too.
...It feels a bit breezy.
My feet swept across the ground, small tiny stones poked at my soles and kept me on my heels trying not to harm my poor fragile toes from any more damage. I should have taken those survival classes when I was younger and definitely should have listened during scout meetings as a kid.
As I traversed into yet another open area I apologized to Scoutmaster Ryan for not paying attention during meetings. But as I entered I was shocked to a profound level.
Blobs, amorphous shapes bouncing around, some pink, some blue with spikes, some gray with cat ears. I'm in fucking Slime Rancher, where there are slimes fucking everywhere.
Off to the side of this large walled field, there was a small module with a hologram of a smiley face, in a cute way. But beyond it was a rickety wooden bridge, that would absolutely give me splinters if I stepped on it with bare feet, and I would absolutely break it open but I know that if I followed that wooden and rickety old bridge I would be left standing in front of a really fat slime. A Gordo.
Suddenly a warm feeling emerged on my right leg, a little pink bastard was trying to eat the carrots I was right next to but in turn rubbed against me.
I picked it up with my hands, a pink slime, and its body was exactly that, slimy. It felt like holding really firm jelly, its juices flowed down my arm but looking at it directly in the eyes, I was certain. There was not a single thought present behind those eyes. In my heart, I knew that if it was big enough it would try to eat me, that thought process was reinforced by the fact that it tried to eat my hand.
These big pink bastards poop out money, and so do all the other slimes. Essentially owning a slime ranch is money laundering made easy, you could very easily become rich with it. I mean really you just gotta feed a slime shit that grows out of the ground and voila there's your mortgage for the month.
But there is a slight problem that comes with the fact these big fat bastards print money. I don't know if I've replaced the player or not, so rather than get my naked and hairy ass get seen I'd better screw off, a solution I can think of to determine whether the player, or Beatrix, is around here is to probably check one of the slime doors.
What is a slime door you ask? It is an ancient construct where you have to use the slime keys given to you by popping a gordo, using the slime keys gives you access to a whole new area with new slimes and what not.
*Growl*
Speaking of which I am hungry and I'd rather not eat a whole chicken raw, unlike the gray tabby slimes. I think I just saw one of those gray jumpy bastards swallow a chicken and then had his own plorts swallowed by a pink slime.
That is disgusting in a way I can't exactly describe.
Supposedly Largos, or the fusion between two different slimes, are the most profitable as feeding them whatever food they like produces plorts from both species, otherwise there wouldn't be any merit in feeding a slime it's cousin's shit.
I stepped into a dark cavern, the light inside was dim, but fairly lit up by the sillouhetes of big firefly-like slimes, except they had fused with their more blue and spiky cousins. Did I mention they were hungry and angry and want to eat human?
I don't know about the last part but...
*Boom*
One just slammed into the wall next to me so fucking run.
...
....
...
Short chapter today as I'm a little tired from having to sttudy accounting like the perfectly engineered white collar worker that I am.
Please give me powerstones I need cigs.