Journal Entry #317
If you're reading this, then I'm dead.
Well... Not exactly dead. My body is, probably. My mind, my soul, or whatever you'd call the part of me that's left, always returns. Over and over, every time I die.
I don't even know what happens to the timelines I leave behind. Maybe they move forward without me. Maybe they collapse, erased as if I'd never been there at all? I'm writing this for the slim chance that this world survives long enough to read it. That someone learns something.
I have to believe that. Otherwise... I think I'd shatter.
How do I even know all of this? You might ask.
Every time I die, I get thrown right back to the start, a constant, torturous reminder that no matter how hard I try, I fail, and get to try all over again. I've lived, died, and lived again, each life a repeat of the one before, all in an endless attempt to stop the fate that's waiting for us.
Here's the spoiler: we lose. Every time, every path, we ALWAYS lose. And it's not because the Xa'tarii are invincible, well, maybe they are. But that's not why we keep falling short.
The truth is, humanity never fully unites against them. I never manage to see it done in time, and I don't think I ever will, not from where I restart atleast. Every time, there's something, a new piece of knowledge, a hidden advantage, a new ally or traitor, but our own greed and divisiveness keep us from pulling together until it's too late.
And what follows is genocide.
Not a very pretty picture, trust me, seen it a couple hundred times.
So if you've got a brain, pay attention to what I've learned. Maybe it'll make a difference in this world, in this life.
I've seen it all, each repeat teaching me something new. I've watched civilizations rise and fall, gathered more power than most would ever dare dream of. I've seen humanity more united than it's been since the Great Expansion.
And each time, it's still not enough.
EACH AND EVERY SINGLY TIME, humanity's own flaws tip the scales. And I am not good enough to do anything about it in the short time I have.
I don't know how much longer I can keep going.
There are days I can't tell if the memories are real anymore or if they're just... shadows of a dream. I'm haunted by faces, voices that flicker in and out, a twisted gallery of people I've seen die a thousand ways. Do you know what it's like to watch someone you love die over and over again? To reach out for a hand that's already turned to dust? To live a happy life with someone one life, only for them NOT TO REMEMBER A SINGLE F*CKING THING IN THE NEXT?
...
So take this as a warning. Use what I leave here. And if this timeline keeps moving forward without me, then maybe I've done my part. Because until we truly come together, until we face our worst instincts, we're already fighting a losing battle.
If I return... well, I'll keep going, as I always do. Until something changes.
Over and over again.
...
I think I'm starting to lose my mind.