The air in the bedroom was thick with tension as Qin Lan stood frozen, her mind racing. Lu Yan's words echoed in her ears—"We need to talk. About us."
Qin Lan swallowed hard, trying to maintain her composure. She had prepared for this moment, or so she thought, but now that it was here, she wasn't sure how to proceed. What did Lu Yan mean? Was he confronting her about something specific, or was this simply the dreaded conversation she had always feared?
"About us?" she echoed, her voice steady but soft.
Lu Yan sat down on the edge of the bed, running a hand through his hair. For the first time in a long while, he looked genuinely weary. Not just tired from work, but worn down in a way she hadn't seen before. This was different from his usual distant coldness.
"Yes," he replied, his tone quieter than usual. "We've been avoiding it for too long, and I think we both know that something needs to change."
Qin Lan's heart hammered in her chest. Was this it? Was he going to ask for a divorce? The thought both terrified and relieved her. On one hand, it would be her way out. She wouldn't need to spy on him for Li Ming or play this dangerous game anymore. But on the other hand, what would it mean for her future? Would she lose everything she had fought to keep?
"I…" Qin Lan started, but her words faltered as she met Lu Yan's gaze. He was watching her carefully, his sharp eyes searching for something she wasn't sure she could give.
"Go ahead," he said softly. "Whatever you're thinking, just say it."
Qin Lan took a deep breath, steadying herself. This is it, she thought. I have to be careful. One wrong move, and everything could fall apart.
"What do you mean, something needs to change?" she asked, keeping her tone as neutral as possible.
Lu Yan leaned forward slightly, resting his elbows on his knees. "We both know this isn't a real marriage, Qin Lan. We've been living like strangers for too long. You've been dutiful, respectful, but that's not enough anymore. I thought it was. I thought I could continue like this, but I can't."
Qin Lan's breath caught in her throat. His words hit her harder than she expected. He can't continue like this? What did that mean?
"You've been distant too," she managed to say, her voice a little quieter now. "It's not just me."
Lu Yan nodded, his expression somber. "I know. And that's why I need to be honest with you."
The knot in Qin Lan's stomach tightened. Honest? Was he going to confess something? Was this about another woman, maybe his white moonlight, the one who still haunted his heart?
"I should have told you this a long time ago," he continued, his voice low and steady. "But I didn't think it would matter. I thought that as long as we fulfilled our roles, nothing else was important. But I was wrong."
Qin Lan stared at him, her pulse quickening. Was this it? Was he about to tell her the truth about his white moonlight?
"I know we were both forced into this marriage for different reasons," Lu Yan said, his gaze never leaving hers. "And I know that I've never been the husband you deserve."
Qin Lan clenched her hands together in her lap, her heart pounding in her ears. She wasn't sure where this was going, but the weight of his words made her feel like she was standing on the edge of a cliff.
"I've tried to keep things professional between us," Lu Yan said, his voice tight. "Because I didn't want to complicate things. But the truth is, I've been carrying something with me for a long time. Something I never told you, and maybe I should have."
Qin Lan's chest tightened. This was it. He was finally going to tell her about his past. About the woman who still lingered in the corners of his heart.
"I was in love once," Lu Yan said, his voice soft but firm. "A long time ago. And I've never truly let go of that. I thought that by marrying you, I could move on, but…"
Qin Lan felt a pang in her chest. There it was. The truth she had suspected all along. The woman who had always been between them, like a shadow neither of them could escape.
"I know you're aware of her," Lu Yan continued, his eyes never leaving hers. "I know you've probably heard things. And I'm not going to lie to you. She was important to me. She still is, in a way. But I need to be clear with you, Qin Lan—she's not coming back. That part of my life is over, and I've accepted that."
Qin Lan's hands trembled slightly, but she kept her expression neutral. So, it was true. The white moonlight in his heart was real, but she was gone. The woman who had held his love, the one Qin Lan had always felt she was competing against, was no longer part of his life.
"But that doesn't mean I've been fair to you," Lu Yan said, his tone softening. "I've kept you at a distance because I was afraid of what might happen if I let myself get close to you. I didn't want to replace her, and I didn't want you to feel like a substitute."
Qin Lan's heart lurched. A substitute? That word cut deep, sharper than she had anticipated. Was that how he had seen her all this time? As a mere replacement for the woman he had truly loved?
"I'm not saying this to hurt you," Lu Yan added quickly, seeing the look in her eyes. "I'm saying this because I want to be honest with you moving forward. I don't want to live in the past anymore. I want to move on, and I want to make this marriage work—if you're willing."
Qin Lan blinked, her mind reeling. Make the marriage work? After everything he just said? After confessing that he had kept her at a distance because of another woman?
For a moment, she didn't know what to say. Her emotions were swirling inside her like a storm—anger, confusion, sadness. But most of all, a deep sense of betrayal. He had kept her in the dark, treated her like she was nothing more than a placeholder, and now he expected her to just move forward as if nothing had happened?
"Why now?" Qin Lan asked, her voice quieter than she intended. "Why are you telling me this now?"
Lu Yan sighed, running a hand through his hair again. "Because I'm tired, Qin Lan. I'm tired of living like this—of pretending that everything is fine when it's not. I want to start over. I want to try and build something real between us."
Qin Lan stared at him, her mind racing. Build something real? After all this time? After everything they had been through?
But before she could respond, Lu Yan stood up, walking over to the window. He looked out at the garden below, his back to her.
"I understand if you're not ready for that," he said quietly. "I understand if you're angry with me. But I needed to tell you the truth. You deserve that much."
Qin Lan's heart ached as she watched him standing there, so tall and strong, yet so vulnerable in a way she hadn't seen before. For the first time, she saw the cracks in his armor—the man behind the cold, distant mask he always wore.
But even so, she wasn't sure if she could forgive him. Could she really move past this? Could she truly let go of the hurt and betrayal she felt?
"I don't know if I can do this," Qin Lan whispered, more to herself than to him.
Lu Yan turned around, his expression unreadable. "Take your time," he said softly. "I'm not asking for an answer right now. Just think about it."
Qin Lan nodded, though she wasn't sure if she truly understood what he was asking of her. Could she give him a second chance? Or was it too late for them?
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End of Chapter 12
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