Welcome back to 100.3, your Holiday Music Destination. Coming up next is… Kanye West's Hanukah album? Oh HELL no, we aren't playing that!"
I slowly blinked, lifting my head up from my pillow only to find that I was being held in place not just by the warm and heavy blankets but by Mai, who was draped over me. She murmured in her sleep as the radio continued to play. Glancing out the window I saw that, sure enough, Domino was blanketed in snow and the buildings were coated in twinkling lights like they had been shot by a glitter gun.
"Of course," I muttered.
"Edwin?" Mai said sleepily, one hand squeezing my side gently. "What's going on?"
"We're not on the blimp anymore."
"We aren't? Then-" she stopped, suddenly rather awake. "Oh no."
"Yup."
"We're…"
"Uh huh."
Mai sighed, flopped off of me. "Filler arc."
"Looks like it," I said. "And hey, you get the Christmas pajamas too!"
Mai frowned at that before looking the two of us over, realizing suddenly that we were both wearing a set of red pajamas with happy little snowmen on them. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah, that tends to happen in filler arcs," I stated. "I'm not sure where the pajamas go afterwards."
~Last Year, a few alternate realities away…~
Ash frowned, looking over the pajamas that had suddenly popped into existence beside him.
"So… think this has anything to do with Cyrus' plan?"
Pikachu and Lucario could only shrug.
~MC~MC~MC~
"And there is no way to skip out of this?" Mai asked me as I got out of bed and stretched. "Because I really don't want to have to give you another hand job." I shot her a look. "You know what I mean!"
"No, there really isn't," I admitted. "It's on a track… its kinda like a ride…"
Mai pressed her lips together in thought. "What… oh. Oh!" She suddenly snapped her glaze up. "Ask for Selene."
"Pardon?"
"She's a goddess right? And she dragged you to this word. She can get us back to Battle City."
"I'm… not quite sure it works like that."
"You could try."
I merely raised an eyebrow. "You do realize your goddess side tends to only think with her pussy when she shows up, right? She'll most likely want to ride me like an amusement park ride for any favors I ask for."
"Oh just lie back and think of Pegasus."
"Ew," I said even as Mai's hair began to ripple and her eyes developed the cold shine that I had begun to get used to when it came to being around the Moon Goddess. "Hello Selene."
"Hello lover," she purred. "Alone in your room… what are you thinking of doing?"
I merely rolled my eyes at that. "Mai wants you to get us out of the filler arc."
"Ugh," Selene said. "Agreed, those Halloween ones are the worst."
"This is Christmas, actually."
"…it is?"
And then Selene beamed in delight.
"Uh oh," I muttered.
"Yay!" Selene cheered. "I love the Christmas filler arcs! No better way to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior."
"So do you want me on top or-wait, what?"
There was a flash of light and Mai was back in control and my bedroom looked like it belonged to Santa. There were decorations all over the place, including twinkling lights, garland and tinsel, and anything that could have been changed to look more Christmasy was. The sheets and covers were now Christmas themed. The TV was shaped like a snowman's head. Even the carpet now had Santas printed on it.
Mai looked around before sighing. "Filler arc?"
"At least we get good food out of it?" I said, offering her a hand which she took after a few moments.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Morning Captain," Renard said as Edwin and Mai stepped out of their bedroom, both having decided not to change out of their pajamas and instead just put on robes and grabbed slippers. They padded into the kitchen, Renard hard at work at the stove making pancakes, Yuri sipping coffee, and the Grinch reading the paper.
"Oh goody… you're still here," Edwin muttered.
"I was hoping you knew who this was," Yuri said, gesturing at the green furred being. "I was going to get worried if it turned out you didn't and we were just casually having breakfast with him."
"I know OF him, does that count?" Edwin asked as he took a seat, Mai settling between him and Yuri. "What are you doing here, Grinch?"
"You still haven't answered my question from last Christmas, Edwin."
Mai frowned as Renard set a plate stacked with pancakes before her. "I'm sorry but… how do you know the Grinch and what question did he ask you?"
"I know him because he broke into my apartment last Christmas after I defeated Frosty. As for his question he wants me to join his band of Holiday Avengers."
The Grinch though shook his head. "I am The Grinch, Director of XMAS. And… see… there was an idea. To bring together a group of remarkable people to see if they could become something more. To see if they could work together when we needed them to, to fight the battles that we never could." The Grinch stared at me with his one good eye. "See, you aren't the only one who has been called The Destroyer of Christmas." There are others… people with great powers as well. I am looking to bring them together as part of the Yuletide Initiative-"
"Because if we can't save the Earth you'll be damn sure we'll Yuletide it," Edwin snarked. "First off, I'd be a bit useless on a superhero team. I don't have powers!"
The Grinch snapped his fingers and my Millennium Key appeared.
"Other than that."
"Another snap and I was in my Red Sentry Ranger outfit."
"Power down!" he declared, reverting to normal. "Listen, this is all well and good but this is a filler arc so it doesn't count-"
"Doesn't it?" the Grinch asked, amused. "Maybe not in your main adventures… but within its own little running bit? I think it does."
"You fourth wall breaking mother fucker," Edwin growled.
The Grinch merely stood up, folding the paper and tucking it under his arm. "You need to think things over, I can see that. I'll leave you to ponder over my request." He smirked. "I'll see you around, Mr. Chaos."
And with that he left.
"Hey… that was our paper!" Yuri exclaimed. "He just stole our paper!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Hey Ed, thank for getting' us in ta the KaibaCorp Christmas party!" Joey said, a bounce in his step as their group made their way through the lobby of the KaibaCorp building. He, along with Yugi, Tristan, Tea, Serenity, Duke, and Bakura were following after me and my people, everyone decked out in holiday sweaters and shirts. Some had on chirstmas light necklaces, others hats, and Tea had even found 'Santa Glasses' which were just cheap red glasses with white 'snow' on them.
"Well, I figured if I had to suffer through this…" I said as I reached up to adjust my zip up Christmas hoodie, much to Mai's disgust. We'd argued for 20 minutes about me falling back into hoodies and jeans after Battle City and I'd only won when I declared "FILLER ARC!". Or, at least, she'd given up and changed into a Christmas sweater that had little Harpies with santa hats on them.
"What are you talking about, Edwin?" Bakura asked. Strangely enough even with the Millennium Ring visible there was no worry about his little friend popping out… mostly because he had appeared only briefly, seen the ugly sweater Bakura was wearing (a collage of the 10th doctor making faces) and that the Ring had been turned into a Christmas wreath, and promptly retreated until Christmas was over.
Yuri chuckled, reaching out and wrapping her arm around my left, Mai having claiming my right. "Oh, Mr. Chaos here hates parties."
"…since when?" Tristan asked.
"Parties I throw?" I retorted. "That's different. I control the people coming in. I control what happens. I'm not stuck making constant small talk." We stopped at a bank of elevators, several other groups of KaibaCorp employees waiting for one to become available. "But this is an Office Party."
"I thought you were friends with the staff though," Tea said, confused. "Cassie and Aria and Caesar-"
"Those are the department heads," I pointed out. "I interact with them on a daily basis. There is going to be 200 people at this thing and most of them still see me as just the New Boss. So I'll be dealing with awkward introductions, ass kissers, boot lickers, and suck ups."
"Its less sexy than it sounds," Renard stated before he and Yuri pulled away from us. "Have fun, captain."
"Where the hell do you two think you are going?!" I complained as the two began to head towards a stairwell.
"Oh, we're going to the security team's Christmas party down in the parking garage," Yuri said. "We aren't powerful enough for the upstairs party. Oh woe is us…"
"Yuri!" I snapped.
"I'm sorry, Lord Chaos," Yuri said with mock humility. "Our lowly status means we must get shit faced with the other peons." She opened a door and even though it was stairwell I could hear the roar of music and see flashing strobe lights. "Enjoy your evening with Seto!"
"YURI!" I roared even as she and Renard slipped inside. "I want to go to there," I whimpered, still reaching out for her.
"It will be fine," Mai assured me as an elevator dinged and people scrambled to get into it. I hung back, seeing that it was never going to be able to hold all of us, and sure enough while Yugi and his friends managed to squeeze in Mai and I were let waiting for the next one, a sole man the only other person with us. "Well, we'll make an entrance."
"Wonderful," I muttered.
Mai kissed my check. "It will be fine, Edwin, I swear."
"I hate these parties," I muttered again. "I hate the awkward standing around, I hate the small talk, I hate how they drag on…"
The man who had been left to wait for the elevator looked over at me. "You know how I get through anything stressful like this?" I arched an eyebrow, curious. "When you get a moment go find someplace private and remove your shoes and socks."
"Okay," I said slowly, this sounding familiar.
"Then find some celebrity feet pics on your phone and jerk off to them."
THAT did not sound familiar.
"…what?"
"It's better than a hot cup of coffee and a shower!" the man said cheerfully just as an elevator dinged. He got in then looked back at me, motioning for me to join him.
"Uh… we'll get the next one," I said with a grimace, the man shrugging and getting on. "God that was weird… Mai?" I looked around, finding my girlfriend had disappeared. I began to get worried only for my phone to buzz… and Mai to walk out of a bathroom, putting her heels back on.
I checked my phone, confused, before snapping my head back at Mai.
"I'm technically a celebrity and the only woman I want you looking at is me," she said with a saucy smirk before heading for an elevator that had just arrived. "And Edwin? I expect you to send me some in return."
"Seriously?" I asked, surprised.
"Rick James wrote that song about me, you know that?" Mai said with a flirty smile, stepping into the elevator.
"…anime worlds," I muttered.
~MC~MC~MC~
Seto shook his head as he watched his employees mingle. He understood having to spend money to make them happy. That had been his step father's biggest mistake, believing that one could simply demand that the employees do their jobs to the best of their abilities and not give them any sort of rewards. It was why no one had ever come to his aid after Seto's hostile takeover of KaibaCorp. Yes, there were plenty of people like the Big 5 who looked back on those days and longed for them… but not for the man himself. They wanted back the business they'd done, not the CEO. His stepfather had been completely unloved and that had cost him.
He didn't need to be loved. Really didn't want to be either. But… he didn't want to be hated. There was a difference, though he had noticed many people didn't realize that. People assumed it was one or the other. Seto though saw that there were many different shades of gray. To be hated. To be loathed. Tolerated. Liked. Loved. Seto himself wanted to be respected and respect was earned by respecting others.
'Wheeler wonders why I don't respect him,' Seto thought to himself. 'He never showed me an ounce of respect. Yugi and I are rivals but I respect him as a duelist and he respects me.' The same was true with the employees. Do good work and you earned rewards. The party was one of them.
That didn't mean he liked it.
He gripped the railing of the balcony, looking down at everyone mingling about. There was a buffet filled with food, bar tenders mixing drinks, and he had even hired limos to get everyone back home safely. There was music playing in the background and soon he would bring out the KaibaCorp Christmas presents; already some of the employees were handing out gifts to each other. Aria, for one, was squealing over some Pokemon game that Cassie had gotten her while Sally was rolling her eyes at Martin giving her… shin guards?
Considering how fierce some of the kids in the daycare where that was probably rather practical.
'This is all well and good,' Seto thought to himself, 'but did I really need to be here for this?'
It had been quite a surprise to find Edwin firmly on his side in trying to get the two of them out of having to go to the party. While the clown loved being the center of attention he was also, oddly enough, rather shy when it came to events like this. He had tried to reason that his birthday party the next day or his Christmas party a few days after that would be a much better chance for them to mingle and the two of them should be allowed to bugger off. Seto had agreed with that, as he much preferred Edwin's parties, surprisingly. The man was… considerate.
~Edwin's Birthday Party Last Year…~
"Well," Alan said, "I think its time we got the next movie going and then we can break out the cake!"
Edwin smiled… before turning to Seto. "Did they arrange for you to have a private room to work in?"
"They did," Seto said.
"You can go then, if you want. Mokuba can bring you cake if you don't want to wait."
"…hmmm, happy birthday, Chaos."
~MC~MC~MC~
'But no,' Seto thought to himself in annoyance. 'I couldn't just tuck myself away. I have the mingle.' He looked down to see Yugi and his friends had already arrived while Edwin and Mai were stepping out of the elevator, looking oddly over at Bruce from Logistics for some reason.
Deciding to get this over with Seto cleared his throat and one of the wait staff turned down the music so he could be heard.
"I have been informed I have to give a speech," Seto said dryly. "KaibaCorp continues with its record growth, which doesn't surprise me because I am running things. You have all done well. This has been your speech."
The music began to play again.
"That was one of your best one's yet, Seto!" Mokuba said happily. Seto looked down only to frown as he saw his brother's face covered in paint. "Yeah," he said, shifting a bit, "one of the nursery staff you hired to watch the employees' kids thought I was part of their group. Miss Sally got me out but not before they made me look like a kitty cat."
"I'll make sure to correct that next year," Seto said. He looked over the crowd again and wasn't surprised at what he saw. Wheeler had gone and begun stuffing his face. Taylor and Devlin were trying to impress Wheeler's sister. Yugi was blushing up a storm when Agnes from Accounting began to gush over him, pressing her breasts against his head and causing Gardner to begin seeing red. Edwin and Mai were chatting with Martin and Nic (who had recently joined Aria's team as an independent contractor). "Where are Edwin's bookends?"
"Who?" Mokuba asked.
"The tall furry and Gardner's sister."
"Oh!" Mokuba said. "Renard and Yuri. I think they went to the security team's Christmas party."
~MC~MC~MC~
"CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!" one of the security guards cried out as Yuri did a keg stand. Renard, for his part, was looking at a piñata someone had strung up… that looked like Corpse-Man.
"Why won't it break?" someone asked.
"No one can break Corpse-Man!" another guard declared, making Renard's eye twitch.
~MC~MC~MC~
"And this is our newest invention," one of the lab guys, I couldn't remember his name, said with a smile. He pulled out what looked like a cross between a TV remote and a calculator, typing in some commands. "Mr. Kaiba asked us to look into ways to counter subliminal messaging and passive hypnosis after the Duelist Kingdom incident."
Mai leaned into me. "Seto is STILL convinced magic isn't real?"
"mmmmhmmm," I said, distracted.
"What's wrong? You can't be bored already."
"No, not that," I admitted. "Just worried what I'm going to have to deal with this year. Last year was Frosty, the year before that was Santa… Rudolph? Maybe the Little Drummer Boy?"
"Maybe it will be something else this year," Mai said before holding up her hand. "I'm not saying that you won't have the normal insanity that follows you around during filler arcs but it could be different. Maybe a parody of something." She chuckled even as the lab guy continued to discuss the process of making his new device. "Honestly, I'm surprised you haven't had a Christmas Carol Parody yet."
"Oh, we can't have one of those," I replied flippantly. "Court order."
"Against you doing it?"
"Not exactly."
~Two Christmases Ago…~
"As you can see," the lawyer said, passing the documents across the table, "the restraining orders are quite clear". Seto was seated beside him, glowering at the trio before him. "You three are not allowed within 500 yards of Mr. Kaiba, KaibaCorp, or any of its employees."
The Ghost of Christmas Past frowned. "But he is the richest man in Domino and is not very friendly. He is the perfect target for us!"
"I'm sorry but the law is the law. The Judge agreed that your harassment of Mr. Kaiba ends now."
The Ghost of Christmas Present chuckled at that. "I will gladly sign!"
"We also have some for all your brothers who will come after you."
"Aw fooey," the large man declared in annoyance.
Seto raised an eyebrow, a thought occurring to him. "So I've read up on you three… how can you be a ghost-" He pointed to the Ghost of Christmas Present, "-and die at the end of each Christmas?"
"I…" The Ghost of Christmas Present frowned at that, considering what Seto had just said. "Huh… that really doesn't make sense, does it."
"And if this one is the Ghost of all Christmases that came before does that mean he's one of your brothers? Or do you get sucked into him and forced to become a part of him?"
"Hey… that's a good point!"
The Ghost of Christmas Past waved their hands wildly about. "Let's not be hasty here," they said, suddenly a thing with three eyes, then one eye, then a hundred eyes.
Eyes that the Ghost of Christmas Present began to blacken with punches.
~MC~MC~MC~
"So all one has to do is aim it at one such as… our Board member-"
I snapped out of my thoughts, whipping around towards the lab guy as he pointed the remote at me. "Wait, what was that?"
But the moment I got the words out the remote fired a green beam at me that coated me from head to toe.
"And suddenly he has a refreshing mint flavor," Caesar teased even as my eyes began to glow black and gold. I could feel the Millennium Key's magic working overtime thanks to whatever he had done, or tried to do, to me. The energy was attacking my brain while the shadow realm magic beat it off…
"And now he is susceptible to suggest, just like any hypnosis!" The lab guy grinned. "Watch… Edwin, extend your right foot."
I did… by driving it into his crotch.
"Stupid fucker,"I muttered as he collapsed to the ground. "Seriously, what is with idiots in anime trying shit like that on the powerful?" I let out a scoff. "God, I wish I was back at my place sitting in my underwear checking out Deviantart. That would be so much better than this crap."
"Uh… too much info, boss," Caesar stated.
"Huh?"
"Underwear… Deviantart?"
I blinked in confusion. "You heard that?" I frowned. "What the hell? Can he read my thoughts now?"
"Noooo," Mai said slowly. "You are saying that out loud.
I pressed my lips together before hauling up the groaning lab tech. "Explain, idiot."
"I… ooowwww… think I might have… disabled your ability to have an internal monologue."
Tristan, who had been walking by, moaned at that. "And Edwin already has enough verbal monologues as it is!"
"Its called anime rules, Tristan! Its how they pad out episodes!" I growled in annoyance, my good mood disappearing rapidly. "Seriously, what the hell is this filler arc? Why can't I have one where Mai and I get stranded in the North Pole, all alone, and we desecrate Santa's bed?" I froze right after I said that. "God damn it! As if this party wasn't stressful enough!"
"Well," one of the secretaries said, "if you are stressed you should pull up some celebrity feet pics on your phone and go jerk off."
"…why is that suddenly a thing?!"
Mai grabbed my hand. "Come on, I have a better idea."
"It better not involve feet pics."
"It only will if you want it too."
~MC~MC~MC~
In the KaibaCorp lobby the only guard who had been left to watch the lobby frowned as he saw a large moving truck pull up to the doors along with a well cared for but still rather old car. The truck continued on to the parking garage but the car came to a stop and two men got out: a black man dressed in a dress shirt and jacket and another man who, despite trying to look good, was so filthy that there was a cloud of dust that followed after him as he walked into the lobby.
"Gentlemen, I'm afraid we're closed," the guard said but the black man was utterly ignoring him as he waved his arms about animatedly.
"So she tells him to kick the football and he of course doesn't trust her. Why should he? She'd pulled the scam a billion times. But she gives him the whole sob story about how she means it this time and how he should trust her and how they are friends. So he backs up, takes a running start and-"
The man suddenly pulled out a gun and the guard only had enough time for his eyes to go wide before he was shot, his body shrinking down and transforming into a gingerbread cookie that landed on his chair.
"BOOM!" the black man cried out with glee. "She pulls… the football… away!" He leapt over the guard's counter, grabbing the cookie and setting it off to the side while the dirty man pulled out a security guard's outfit from his backpack and slipped it on. Settling in the chair and familiarized himself with the controls before finally motioning for another man to enter. He was dressed in a fine three piece suit, well tailored and expensive. He ran his hand along his shaved head, only three little hairs covering his scalp.
"Franklin, make your way to the vault," the bald man commanded before turning to several more of his associates who had entered just behind him. The man at the guard's counter pressed a button and the automated security shutters slowly lowered down over the doors and windows of the lobby, sealing it up tight. "Linus, make sure that they can't call the police. I don't want any messages getting in or out until I am ready for it." A shaggy-haired man nodded, adjusting a blue piece of fabric that was tugged into the side of his waistband before heading towards the stairs.
"We should just saw through the lines," a dark haired woman said with a sarcastic sneer.
"We do this how I say, not you," the man warned her.
"Whatever," she said. "When you want to deal with your control issues come and see me… the doctor is always in."
"I will keep that in mind," the bald man said before moving towards the elevators.
~MC~MC~MC~
Mai came out of the office and pulled down her skirt, making sure it was in place before turning back towards Edwin who was wiping his face with a towel. "Better?"
"I'm not sure how that was supposed to relax ME…" he said with a roll of his eyes.
Mai shrugged. "I don't remember ever saying it was supposed to relax YOU… I just said I had a good idea."
"Good thing Seto soundproofed my office," he said, rubbing the towel along his lips and chin. "We can't let Joey see me… he'll think they have glazed donuts here."
"Go wash up then!" Mai said with a laugh. "And don't forget you owe me some pics of your little piggies."
"Seriously? That wasn't a fucking joke?"
She smirked. "Go get mama some kinky shots!" Mai cackled as she headed to the elevator, leaving Edwin grumbling good naturedly behind her. Feeling rather pleased with herself Mai began to hum Jingle Bells as she stepped into the elevator, riding it down to the party. 'Okay, keep a straight face… keep a straight face… these are Edwin's employees… screw it, I'm going to elude to this ALL night just to watch him blush!'
Looking at her reflection in the mirrored door Mai suddenly shook her head wildly, getting her hair messed up. She reached up and ran her thumb over her lips to smear her lipstick a touch and for the final touch she undid her bra, tucking it into the waistband of her skirt. She'd put it back on… after a few minutes. Just to see who caught on.
The doors open and Mai smiled… just in time to hear the guns go off and people shouting in panic as a group of men and women stormed into the party, holding up odd looking weapons as they herded the party guests to the center of the room. She saw Joey trying to protect Serenity, Martin trying to call for help only for his phone to be smacked to the ground, and Seto glowering at the men and women as they moved around the room.
And then one of the invaders was in front of her, grabbing her by the arm.
"Come on!" he snapped.
Mai sneered and braced her feet, causing the man to start when he found he couldn't move her.
"I go where I want to go," she said, feeling raw power begin to run through her. She'd never had a chance during Battle City to try it out but it had occurred to her that if she were just Selene without her memories… then she was still a goddess. And a goddess went where she wanted to go.
"Then I hope the next place you want to go to is a funeral," a dark haired woman said, pointing a gun at Tea.
Mai let out a huff before raising her hands, knowing that she knew too little of her powers to smite everyone around her and save the innocents. So she calmly allowed them to guide her to the rest of the group, who were looking towards the opposite side of the room where a man in a finely tailored suit was looking over a small notebook. Seeing that everyone was accounted for he snapped it shut before running his hand over his bald head.
"Ladies and Gentlemen," the man said, his powerful voice drawing everyone's attention and causing them all not to merely fall silent but refusing to say a word to interrupt him. "Ladies and Gentlemen. Due to the Kaiba Corporations' extensive greed around the globe they are about to be taught a lesson in the real use of power. You… will be witness." He paused before flashing a smile that was supposed to be charming but only made Mai's stomach sink with dread. "Now… where is Seto Kaiba?" The man walked down the three stairs that led to the sunken center of the room, slowly moving through the crowd. "Seto Kaiba. Youngest chess master in recorded history. Adopted into the Kaiba family before her turned 12. Took over the Kaiba Corporation by the age of 15. Developed Hard Light technology." With each fact he would look at someone, considering them for a moment before dismissing them. "And Number 4 duelist behind Yugi Muto, Edwin Chaos, and Joey Wheeler."
"Wheeler," Seto snapped, "would only be ahead of me if I was pushing him into a pit."
"HEY!" Joey exclaimed.
The bald man smiled. "Mr. Kaiba. If you would… we need to talk."
"And you are?"
"Charles… Charles Brown." The man smiled and motioned towards the elevator. "If you would?"
Seto glared at the man before huffing and moving towards the Elevator, joined by the dark haired woman who had threatened Tea and a black man who was a touch better dressed than most of the hostage takers.
"What do we do?" Tea whispered softly.
"Wait," Mai said.
"What do you mean?" Aria asked, looking about nervously.
Mai smirked. 'Because Edwin is still free… and that means these assholes are about to have the worse night of their lives!'
~MC~MC~MC~
"Dear lord, Seto," I muttered to myself as I looked through his private bathroom, "how does a man who acts like he doesn't care about anyone or anything WHY do you have so many different kinds of facial scrubs?" I picked up one bottle and frowned. "You don't even have a beard… why do you have this?" I rolled my eyes and began to wash up. I'd removed my hoodie, to make sure it didn't get wet, leaving me in just a white tee and my blue jeans. I carefully cleaned my face, trying out a few of Seto's soaps to see if any would give me a baby smooth face before I looked over at my phone and then my shoes.
I poked at the side of my cheek.
"God damn it, Mai," I muttered, kicking off my shoes before toeing off my socks, knowing she wouldn't let me get away with pretending I hadn't heard her or I had forgotten. "If I end up on some fucking website-"
But before I could grab my phone I heard the elevator dig and I quickly moved towards the door, cracking it open… and staring in shock as several people led Seto by FUCKING GUNPOINT into his office.
"What the fuck?!" I said a bit too loudly, clapping my hands over my mouth the moment the words left them. "God damn lack of internal monologue," I muttered but thankfully the men holding Seto hostage didn't hear me, as they were too busy looking over a model of KaibaLand that was in Seto's office.
The lead criminal leaned over the model, a smile forming on his lips. "Ah… I look at this model of an amusement park for children, your work to change your family legacy, amI remember my favorite Alexander the Great quote: Sex and sleep alone make me conscious I am mortal."."
"…ew," I whispered.
"Now, Mr. Kaiba," the man said, motioning for Seto to take his seat at his desk, "I believe you are a man that respects directness so I will be direct with you."
"I respect people who don't break into my buildings, Brown," Seto growled.
The man, Mr. Brown, chuckled at that. "Quite, quite." A dark haired woman and a black man settled a bit away from the two of them, watching carefully, intently. "After the merger of KaibaCorp and Industrial Illusions Maximillion Pegasus had a vault installed at the very bottom of this building to house his rarest cards." Mr. Brown took out a gun. "I would like the combination, please."
"What do rare cards have to do with our 'excessive greed'?"
"Nothing of the sort."
"Well, why don't you go find the Rare Hunters and get them to tell you how it worked out for THEM to be terrorists who tried to take something of mine over."
That made Mr. Brown laugh. "Who said we were terrorists?"
Seto stared at him for a moment before scoffing, a smirk forming on his lips and he closed his eyes. "So, just thieves."
"Yes…" Mr. Brown said. "The codes now."
"It takes three people to get into that vault," Seto replied. "The first is Maximillion Pegasus, who isn't even at this party."
"Where is Pegasus anyway?" I wondered to myself.
~Meanwhile…~
"Ah, Cousin Clark," Pegasus said as he held out a present to the man who had opened the door of the large but still upper middle class home. "Here. I also brought a jello mold."
"Thanks," Clark Griswald muttered.
Pegasus frowned. "Is, uh… Cousin Eddie-?"
"MAXXIE BOY!" Cousin Eddie roared, rushing over to give Pegasus a hug.
~MC~MC~MC~
"The second is Edwin Chaos," Seto said. "He got called away."
"Good thinking," I whispered.
"And then there is me and I'm not going to give you to codes no matter what. Even if they are useless."
"Told ya," the black man said.
"It isn't over yet," the dark haired woman replied, Mr. Brown shooting them a dark look before locking eyes with Seto, smiling with false cheer.
"Mr. Kaiba," he said, "I'm going to count to three."
"Need me to give you space so you can take off your shoes and socks so you can count that?" Seto asked.
The black man frowned. "Why would he do that, he isn't putting up feet pics for-"
"Nervous people to jerk too," Seto said, cutting him off. "Yes yes, we've all done it."
"Wh-" I shoved my fist in my mouth.
"Well then, no count then," Mr. Brown stated and I jerked back as he fired the gun, Seto enveloped in a beam of light… before a gingerbread cookie that looked like him, complete with scowl, appeared where he had been moments ago. "We do it the hard way," Mr. Brown sad as the dark haired woman handed the black make ten bucks. Mr. Brown took the cookie and set it on the desk before turning to his companions. "Franklin, can you get into the vault?"
"I can get through the first 6 locks," he said. "Would have been easier if we had the codes but I can. There is just one problem… the seventh is an electromagnet. I'm not getting through that."
"Leave that to me," Mr. Brown said. "Lucy, make sure there are no stragglers."
"On it, Charles," she said, turning and walking off. Franklin and Charles continued to chat with each other, moving towards the stairs.
"Fucking hell!" I hissed, still wanting to keep my voice down as I emerged from the bathroom and moved to Seto's desk, looking at the cookie version of him. Not wanting to risk anyone finding him I grabbed the pastry and moved it to a high shelf, out of the way and not visible. "What the hell is this Die Hard bull-"
I froze.
"Aw fuck its Die Hard." I looked down at myself in my white shirt and with no shoes and socks… "Fuck that!" I ran to the bathroom door and tugged on it, only to find it had locked behind me. "God damn it! God damn it!" I began to bang on the door. "Open you stupid…" But the door didn't open. "Okay then, shadow magic it is!" The Millennium Key popped out and I focused my magic on it…
…and heard the Price Is Right 'You Failed To Win Your Game' music play.
"Seriously?!" I screamed at the key. "THIS is the one thing you can't fucking open? A bathroom door? WHY!?"
I slumped down beside the door, threading my fingers through my hair.
"…Renard," I said after a moment. "And Yuri!" Grabbing my phone (and thrilled I hadn't locked that in there too) I dialed them up. "Pick up… pick up…"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Should we answer that?" Yuri asked, looking at Renard's phone that was buzzing.
"Just the boss trying to get out of the party," Renard reasoned. "Now come on, its time to bet on the naked three legged race."
Yuri laughed, completely drunk. "God, these security guys go HARD!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"God damn it!" I snarled in frustration, finally hanging up the phone. "Okay… okay… I have to find some way to get people's attention on KaibaCorp." I hurried over to Seto's computer and used the key to log on to his email. "Let's see… From… Seto… Kaiba… to celebrate… this festive season… there will be… free blow jobs from… supermodels… to any roided out… army men… who like… shooting criminals… in the dick." I pressed the send button. "There, not the fire alarm so we avoid them canceling that-"
Just as soon as I'd sent out the email a second was sent out… making it clear the supermodels were men and before the blow jobs they'd want to have long discussions about their feels.
"No no no!" I shouted in frustration… just as I heard the elevator coming up. "Fuck!"
I ducked into the conference room that Seto had set up if he wanted to have meetings near his office and watched as a man with chestnut hair walked in, a gun in one hand while the other reached down to adjust a piece of blue fabric that was tucked in the waist band of his jeans. He slowly began to sweep through the room, pausing first at Seto's desk to turn off the computer.
"I know you are here," he said, keeping his voice low and steady. "You can come out now. You need to join the others. We intercepted your email." He paused and I saw him lift up his gun. "I promise I won't hurt you."
He leapt into the conference room… and I grabbed onto the gun, using the key to lock the safety into place.
I got to enjoy his befuddled look on his face as the gun just clicked… for about two seconds. Then he decided 'fuck this gun' and wheeled around and punched me in the stomach.
Something many people didn't realize was how my flight or fight reflex worked. Most people assumed, because I liked to talk a ton, that I was a massive bluffer and when danger actually did come about I would turn tail and run. Honestly that's how I felt I should operate as well. But oddly enough ever since my twenties my Flight or Fight reflex was firmly in, "Take out the bitch."
Thus after that first hit I let out a roar and grabbed the man by the throat, slamming him against a wall.
His head snapped back and he looked at me, dazed, but I didn't give him time to recover as I threw him on the ground, kicking him several times in the belly before I dropped down and wrapped my fingers around his skull, slamming the back of his head several times into the floor. Even with the carpet it was leaving him woozy and all he could do is reach up and scratch at my chest and face, making me hiss before I gave him one more brutal slam before rolling off and grabbing his gun, using the key to unlock it.
"Enjoy being a cookie you asshole!" I bellowed.
BANG!
I blinked in shock, staring at the hole in his chest.
"…it was a real fucking gun?!" I screamed at the corpse. "What the fuck!? Why do you have a real gun?! This is Yugioh!" I scrambled back until I hit a wall, staring at the body.
I took several deep breaths.
I waited for my heart to stop pounding.
"filler arc," I whispered. "Filler arc filler arc filler arc."
I took several breaths before finally finding myself calm enough to crawl over to the corpse. I gave a full body shudder before I set to work grabbing what I could from it. The one nice thing was that, either because of filler arc logic or just plain anime logic, there was no blood. Just a small stain on his chest, that was it. Not the puddle like that should have been. And he wasn't warm or cold or growing stiff. Just… it was like dragging around a plushie.
"Okay, so backpack full of weapons," I muttered, snagging those. "An explosives, most likely. Shoes…" I checked and yes, he had tiny feet. "Shirt doesn't fit me either…" He was a small man, maybe 5 foot 3 at most. No way my over 6 foot frame would fit in his stuff. "Blue… blanket?" I stared at the blue fabric he'd tucked in his waistband; it was a well loved cloth baby blanket. "The fuckery is this?" I muttered before pulling out his wallet. "Linus Van Pelt. Why does that sound familiar?" I tapped the id against my head. "Think think think…"
Linus.
Blue blanket.
Charles… Brown.
"Holy fuck it's the Peanuts Gang."