Spaarne Gasthuis Hospital, Haarlem City, Netherlands, January 10, 2012.
I opened my eyes.
Tire screeches, blinding lights, and the sound of metal crashing with unfathomable force. I was suddenly struck by a wave of memories that seemed too genuine to be a dream.
This isn't possible.
However, it was.
I had witnessed the accident before. had the experience. This is exactly as I remembered it happening.
Everything was normal for a moment. After one of my youth academy games, we were in the car on our way home. I had scored the winning goal.
My parents had been grinning and expressing their excitement for me to become a professional football player someday.
In the backseat, my younger sister, Ayo, was humming along to the radio while gripping her phone and frantically typing to her pals about her brother's goal.
Then everything happened so quickly.
A truck's headlights veered into our lane.
A beat had skipped in my heart. In an attempt to avert the inevitable, Dad's hands tightened their grip on the wheel and pulled to the side. Then...
Darkness...
I was dead. I had no doubt about it. That accident had claimed our lives.
Yet here I was, staring at the ceiling while laying on a hospital bed. As I tried to figure out where I was, my breath stuck in my throat.
The air was filled with the sound of machines beeping. My arm had an IV line attached, and my nose was pricked by the pungent antiseptic odor.
How did I survive?
I was filled with panic. I made myself sit up even though my body felt heavy. Only a little light was streaming in from the window, and the room was partly dark.
I looked about in the hopes of seeing someone. Perhaps a nurse, Ayo, or my parents. However, the room was empty. I broke into a cold sweat.
They're gone...they are gone once more, aren't they?
My mind was overflowing with memories of them laughing, smiling, and living, and I was unable to stop it. All of that had been lost in the accident.
The heartbreaking anguish of losing them was something I had experienced before. Now, the idea of going through that once more made my heart churn in my chest.
This time, though, something was different.
My left leg was hurting worse than I had ever experienced. I was reminded that this was not a nightmare by the excruciating ache. I looked down, my hands shaking as I pulled away the hospital sheet.
And a cast, which surprised me. From my knee to my foot, my left leg was in a cast.
"What the hell…?"
I didn't understand. Why was I still here? In that car, I had died. I had sensed that I was losing myself. This didn't make sense.
The door creaked open abruptly. I looked up, my heart pounding as a nurse stepped in. Her face was friendly but worn out, and she appeared to be in her early twenties.
"Oh, Benjamin." She looked at the machines and then walked to my side, saying softly in a Dutch accent, "You're awake." "How are you feeling?"
My thoughts were racing as I blinked at her. "Where am I?" was the first query that sprang to mind out of instinct. My voice sounded harsh and unaccustomed.
She smiled empathetically. "Spaarne Gasthuis Hospital is where you are. A few days ago, you were involved in a car accident, but you are now safe."
Her words caused my chest to tighten. "My parents? And Ayo, my little sister?" The names sliced through me like razor blades, piercing me with the harshness of reality.
Her smile gradually dimmed. She averted her gaze for a second, and before she even opened her mouth, I knew what she was going to say.
She muttered, "I apologize, Benjamin; they weren't able to make it."
For a second, my heart stopped beating. I had the impression that everything was closing in on me and spinning in circles. I was having trouble breathing.
"They're gone?" I choked out, my voice hardly audible above a whisper. "Again?"
The nurse frowned. "Again? You've never been admitted here before, Benjamin."
No, I have. This was a moment I had experienced before. I had experienced the same depressing weight of loss and despair.
Why? Why was this happening to me again?
Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to shut out the room, the nurse, and everything else as my throat tightened. However, it was ineffective. This could not be resolved by anything.
"I should've died with them…" I said in a barely audible whisper.
I hardly noticed the nurse's gentle touch on my shoulder. "Benjamin, you're still alive. You ought to be grateful for it. You made it through."
Ignoring what she had said, I opened my eyes and looked down at my cast-covered leg. All I had left was my desire to become a football legend. What was the point if I couldn't play?
"The doctor will come by soon to explain your injuries," she said. "But it's going to take time to heal."
I was unable to control the tears that were streaming down my face. Despite my attempts to blink them away, they continued to fall uncontrollably.
Every breath ache my chest. I was ripped apart by the pain of losing my parents once more and my little sister, Ayo. And now... my leg.
I swallowed forcefully, suppressing my tears. My only means of escape and my only source of purpose had been football, but suddenly it seemed like even that was slipping away from me.
With sympathetic eyes, the nurse offered me a tissue. "Benjamin, stay strong," she urged softly. "I believe that you'll get through this."
However, I didn't feel strong. I had the impression that I was falling apart piece-by-piece. I wanted to yell and be furious about how unjust everything was. To feel something other than this deafening emptiness, to punch anything, anything.
"They're really gone…" My voice trembled as I whispered. "And my leg… will I ever play again?"
The nurse looked at my leg and hesitated. "It's too soon to tell. Although the doctors will do everything they can, recovery will be a long process."
A long process. Everyone always says that when there is no hope. A long path with no end in sight.
My heart ached as I reclined against the cushion and gazed up at the ceiling. I kept thinking about the accident over and over.
How helpless I had felt at the time. I'd traveled back in time and been given another chance, but still... I was unable to save them.
I was powerless to prevent the accident from happening. I was unable to keep my family safe. I couldn't even protect my future anymore.
How laughable.
I was unable to see a path forward as I lay there with the heaviness of everything pressing down on me.
I had lost everything I had ever known. Every hope and every dream shattered.
I let the darkness draw me in and closed my eyes. Perhaps I could find some solace in the silence, or at the very least, temporarily forget about the suffering.
However, I felt in my heart that the path ahead was not just lengthy, but also practically unachievable. And I wasn't sure if I had the strength to walk it for the first time in my life.
***
After that day, time flew by. Doctors came and went, talking about my leg injuries, my rehabilitation plans, and the therapy I would need.
Although I could hear them conversing, it sounded as though they were speaking to someone else. I wasn't interested, or rather, I couldn't focus.
Sir Jansen, my youth academy coach, also paid me a visit.
I couldn't stop thinking about how helpless I had been. If I can't make any changes, what good is a second chance?
My parents were gone. Ayo, my younger sister, was gone. And now, the game I had devoted life, the game I loved, was also slipping away.
I lay awake every night, gazing at the ceiling as my thoughts repeatedly reenacted the disaster.
My mother's final expression before everything turned black was visible to me. Ayo's laughing was permanently hushed.
And me? I remained here. Broken, and alone.
Why?
I kept thinking about the question, but I had no answer.
I only knew that the path ahead appeared to be insurmountable. However, I had to walk it somehow. even though I was unsure about how to start.