Chapter 60: Drinking with the boys
– Ainz –
Ainz dragged himself through the doors of the Fox Hole, still in his human form, feeling every muscle in his body ache. His throat felt dry, and his clothes clung to his skin. He looked like he had gone through a war. He wobbled toward the counter, where Haru stood pouring a drink for the dragonborn, Agnar. Haru's fox ears twitched the moment he caught sight of Ainz, and his tails swished behind him.
Agnar, seated at the bar with a mug in hand, noticed Ainz's disheveled state and let out a hearty laugh. "You look like you got run over by a horse," he said, grinning widely.
Ainz let out a long groan and slumped onto a nearby stool, his limbs trembling from exhaustion. "I'm so damn tired," he muttered, burying his face in his hands. Being able to get tired again was something he'd have to get used to. At least if he wanted to stay in his humanoid form for prolonged periods of time. Which of course he did! Being an unfeeling skeleton kind of sucked other than for epic roleplay...
Haru raised an eyebrow at Ainz's appearance. "You also look dehydrated," he said. "What have you been up to? Actually, I can guess. You've been going at it with Shalltear and Albedo all this time? It's been days, man..." Haru pointed out.
Ainz groaned again, massaging the back of his neck. "Don't remind me! I thought losing my virginity would be exciting, but those two wouldn't stop. They're insatiable!"
Agnar chuckled and reached over to thump Ainz on the back. His large hand almost sent Ainz toppling forward. "I know how it is to be with a vampire, but a vampire and a succubus at the same time? You're a man amongst men!" He smirked.
Ainz only managed a weak shrug, lifting his gaze to Haru with a silent plea for something to drink.
Haru grabbed a glass pitcher, filled it with ice water, then slid it across the counter without bothering to pour a glass. Ainz gripped it in both hands and downed half of it in gulp. He slammed the pitcher down, gasping for air. "Another," Ainz rasped.
Haru snorted, grabbing more ice and refilling the pitcher.
Ainz leaned back on the barstool, letting out a shaky exhale after draining the second pitcher of ice water. He hadn't realized how badly he needed fluids, and his body still ached all over from his marathon with Albedo and Shalltear. He set the empty pitcher down and looked between Haru and Agnar.
He cleared his throat, his voice still sounded rough though. "So, what did I miss around the restaurant while I was… busy?"
Haru shrugged. "Not much, just a cooking competition that I won of course, a Fallen Angel general tried to kill my girlfriend, and a 'small war' that happened in Westeros."
Ainz blinked, staring at Haru like he'd lost his mind. "A war qualifies as more than 'not much,'" he pointed out.
"Not in our crazy lives," Agnar chimed in, taking a gulp of his mead.
Ainz slowly nodded. "That's fair," he muttered. He realized that ever since he started hanging out with this crowd, what counted as normal had gone down the drain. Although he had no real social life before all this so maybe he wasn't one to judge.
Haru leaned on the counter. "Anyway, we gave the Fairy Tail mages a field test. They took down seven thousand enemies without killing anybody. But the problem is, they ended up completely exhausted afterwards," Haru sighed. "And the real army we want them to fight in your world is rumored to be ten thousand strong, with a couple hundred magic casters supporting them. And that's only my side. Yours will have over a hundred thousand levies with thousands of magic casters. I might've overestimated Fairy Tail's capabilities..." Haru sounded sad to admit that. "Using non-lethal magic drains a lot more power than just saying fuck in and going for the kill!"
"I always say fuck it and go for the kill!" Agnar cheered. "...Although I suppose that has gotten me in trouble once or twice."
Ainz knew that Haru wasn't a fan of needless killing, and neither was Ainz for that matter. Now that he had a human form and most of his muted emotions back, it was even less so. But... Ainz would never allow anyone to destroy what he or his friends had built. If he had to wipe those armies out himself, than he would do it.
He was interested to hear that Fairy Tail was back as an option though. Didn't they say no? Ainz rested an elbow on the bar, head in his hand. "I wasn't even aware they were on the table as an option…"
"Did Demiurge not tell you?" Haru asked.
Ainz pondered. "I haven't gotten any messages from him in a few days now that I think about it."
Haru smirked. "Yeah, probably his new 'girlfriend.' Guess he's been too occupied to keep you updated."
Ainz's eyes widened. "Demiurge has a girlfriend?" He didn't recall a single instance where his most loyal guardian expressed any interest in romance. He assumed the only thing Demiurge was attracted to was 'evil' in general!
"It's Sona Sitri," Haru explained. "She's a pureblood devil heiress from my world. Basically a princess of hell. She's very rule-oriented..."
"So, besides wars and cooking competitions, did you get any new customers? Has the restaurant connected to any more worlds?" Ainz asked.
Agnar, sitting to Ainz's right, perked up. "More worlds and more adventures!" he exclaimed.
Haru scratched his cheek. "Not really. We haven't tapped into any fresh worlds in a while. I figure the goddess is giving me a break so I can deal with the stuff on my 'plate' first."
Ainz raised an eyebrow. It was nice being able to do that again. "Is that a cooking joke?" he asked dryly.
Haru rolled his eyes. "If it was, it was a pretty 'bare-bones' one."
They all paused for a second, then burst out laughing!
"That was terrible," Agnar declared, shaking his head.
"Then why are you laughing?" Haru shot back, his tails swishing behind him.
"Because it was terrible," Agnar replied.
Ainz shook his head and couldn't help but grin. It was nice that he was a 'man' now but sometimes nothing beats just hanging out with the 'boys'…
– Haru –
I leaned against the bar, trying not to laugh too loudly as I teased Ainz with Agnar. We'd ended up in another of our weird conversations, this time about the ladies in our lives. Ainz looked a bit shell-shocked from his recent escapade, and Agnar was puffing out his chest, boasting about his experience with women.
Agnar grinned and slapped a hand on Ainz's shoulder. "I've bedded maidens in every hold of Skyrim," he said proudly. "Trust me, if you want to keep up with your women, you have to be more dominant. Otherwise, you'll be worn out every time they want to fuck!"
I snorted, turning to Ainz. "He's only saying that now because Serana isn't here. If she was, I bet he'd be singing a different tune."
Agnar glared at me. "As if. I'm the Dragonborn! No woman can change my views! Not even my wife!"
I lifted my hand and waved dramatically toward the door. "Hey, Serana!"
Agnar jumped in his seat, his eyes going wide. He whipped his head around, scanning every corner. "Oh, shit! Where?" he blurted, looking like he might bolt at any second.
Ainz and I burst out laughing. I was practically holding my sides. "She's not here. I was just screwing with you."
Agnar let out a heavy sigh, sinking back onto his stool. "It's not nice to scare a Nord like that," he grumbled.
I shrugged, still smiling. "The only thing more terrifying than a Nord man is a Nord woman," I added. I knew that from experience, my first girlfriend was Aela after all...
I poured another round of drinks for all three of us. We clinked our glasses together. Agnar raised his mug high, exclaiming, "To our crazy lives and the crazy women in them."
Ainz mumbled something about needing a long vacation in his undead form, but he took a small sip of the drink anyway.
Suddenly, the door to my restaurant swung open, and a black cloaked figure stepped inside.
I saw Jon Snow walk into my bar, looking stiff and uneasy. His shoulders were drawn up, and his gaze kept darting around, like he expected to be thrown out any second. I knew exactly why, but Agnar and Ainz were clueless. They both turned to watch him with confusion, waiting for me to explain.
Jon lowered his head toward me in a quick bow, not even trying to hide his guilt. "I need to apologize," he muttered. "I messed up."
Yeah, that was saying something…
Agnar and Ainz exchanged a glance, their eyebrows raised. I sighed, leaning on the counter. "Jon here is the guy who led that small army against me in Westeros," I told them.
Agnar shot to his feet, gripping the hilt of his sword. Jon's eyes went wide, and I could see the panic on his face as he realized how formidable Agnar was.
I waved Agnar off. "Easy, big guy. It wasn't all Jon's fault… well, mostly, but not entirely." I paused, crossing my arms. To be honest, I didn't really like Jon. He struck me as a complete stick in the mud, which was saying a lot.
Jon approached the bar, moving slowly. He slipped onto a stool next to Ainz, making sure to stay away from Agnar. I reached for a mug and poured him some mead, then slid it across the counter. "Welcome to the unofficial guys' night," I said, keeping my tone neutral.
The place was nearly empty because all the women in my life were off having their weekly meeting about me.
Lucky me...
Agnar still stared daggers at Jon. "You tried to kill my best friend," he growled. "Why?"
Ainz nodded in agreement, turning slightly in his seat. "I'd like to know that too," he said quietly.
I couldn't help but grin to myself. It felt good to have them back me up like that even if they both obviously knew this guy was no threat.
Jon swallowed hard, fiddling with the handle of his mug. "It's a long story," he began, glancing between the three of us. "I'm Jon Snow. I'm Sansa's half brother..."
Jon Snow took a deep breath and began telling us his tragic life story. He started with being raised as a noble bastard in Winterfell, how he always felt like an outsider, and how he had to fight for every bit of respect he got.
I half-listened as I poured drinks for everyone. The start of his story was pretty standard brooding hero stuff, and I wasn't particularly interested. But when he got to the parts about joining the Night's Watch and discovering an undead army that wanted to wipe out all life, I started paying attention.
Jon explained how he had tried to warn everyone, only to be betrayed and murdered by his own brothers. Then he got brought back to life by a red witch, and apparently, things got complicated from there.
"I don't really know how everything spiraled from there. Everyone looked to me to lead them and I just went with it. I think I got in over my head..." Jon trailed off.
Not really a great explanation at the end there. Agnar and Ainz both turned to look at me. Thankfully, I already knew what had happened next. Yasaka had briefed me after she fixed his head.
Which had apparently been fucked with pretty badly.
When Jon was resurrected, his mind had been weak and vulnerable. Perfect for someone skilled in mind magic to take advantage of.
Some dickhead sorcerer 'who used ravens' as familiars had latched onto his mind, whispering suggestions and guiding his actions in subtle ways. It wasn't full-on mind control, but Jon wasn't making all of his own choices either. Whoever they are, they wanted Jon Snow to be the King of the North whatever it took. Obviously, they weren't getting their way. As the legitimate daughter of Ned Stark and his oldest living child, Sansa was going to be Queen.
It took Yasaka a couple hours earlier to properly 'unfuck' Jon's mind and for us to find all of this out.
Sansa had been absolutely livid when she found out. I was pretty sure she wanted to shift into her werewolf form and go hunt down the bastard controlling her brother. The problem was, we had no leads on where the raven sorcerer actually was. Until we did, Yasaka had ordered all yokai stationed in Winterfell to kill any ravens they saw flying around.
It was a bit harsh, and I was pretty sure PETA (yes, they even had a Supernatural department) would hate us if they ever found out. But since this was another world, I wasn't exactly worried about that. We agreed not to tell any Tengu though...
"That's quite the story," a deep, gravelly voice said from the other side of Agnar.
Jon snapped his head toward the speaker and immediately lost his mind. "What the fuck!?" he shouted, pushing himself away from the counter. His hand instinctively went to his hip for a sword he wasn't carrying. "What the hell are you!? Where did you come from, monster!?"
Wrex let out a low chuckle, his red eyes gleaming in amusement. "That's kind of rude, human. You all don't look that great to my kind either, but we don't go around insulting you."
Jon looked like his brain was short-circuiting. He had clearly never seen an alien before, and judging by the way he was staring, he wasn't handling it well.
I chuckled, shaking my head. Wrex was a massive krogan, built like a living tank, but for someone that big, he could be sneaky when he wanted to be. He had managed to slip in while Jon was too busy trauma-dumping his entire life story on us.
To be fair, Jon hadn't even fully processed the fact that he was sitting in a restaurant that connected to other worlds. I doubted he had the mental energy left to deal with a krogan just casually showing up next to him.
Wrex turned to me, completely ignoring Jon's panicked reaction. "Pour me a drink, Haru! The latest mission was super boring," he complained. "Shepard ended up talking down all the terrorists instead of shooting them. I hate when she plays nice," he grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.
I grabbed a mug and poured him a strong drink, sliding it across the counter. "Yeah, yeah. I figured you'd be here to drink and vent."
Wrex picked up the mug and took a deep swig, sighing in satisfaction. "Damn right."
Jon, meanwhile, still looked like he was trying to process what was happening. His fingers twitched at his sides as he glanced between me, Wrex, and the others.
I smirked. "Welcome to the Fox Hole, Snow. You need to chill out and have a drink..."
"That's right," Agnar grinned. "I declare this to be boys' night!"
"Fuck yeah!" Wrex roared and poured his special drink that would kill any non-krogan down his throat.
…
A couple of hours later, everyone was having a pretty good time. Armsmaster and Reigen had both shown up. Reigen was loudly complaining about a client who refused to pay, claiming Reigan was a scammer.
I mean, most of the time he was…
Meanwhile, Armsmaster and Wrex were locked in a discussion about futuristic weapon designs, each tossing out ideas that sounded more destructive by the second. I was flipping burgers, making pizzas, and grilling hot dogs, going for the most trashy, American-style dinner I could think of. The scent of greasy food filled the air.
I even brought out a couple of TVs, even though I didn't usually allow them in my restaurant. Multiple sports games played at once, some of which featured Krogans playing what looked like a violent version of football. How exactly I was getting alien cable, I had no idea.
Jon Snow, on the other hand, was sobbing at the counter. Apparently, he'd left out a crucial part of his tragic life story earlier—his first love had been killed recently.
Now I felt kind of bad for ragging on him so hard earlier. What made it even worse was that the girl he'd lost had been a sexy redhead!
Now, as he nursed his drink, he was coming to terms with it while sort of drunk. "I miss her so much..."
Ainz patted Jon on the back. "Want me to bring her back to life?"
"What?" Jon's tear-filled eyes widened. "You'd do that for me...?"
Ainz grinned, lifting his mug. "Hell yeah, anything for a bro!"
There was a pause before the entire room cheered and went back to what they were doing.
The door to the restaurant swung open, and someone I had never seen before stepped inside. I stiffened for a second, sensing they were VERY powerful… despite being a bit short. Their long blue hair swayed behind them as they walked in, looking around in amazement. "Holy shit! Is this an actual bar in my village? This is the best day of my isekai life! Where the hell did all this come from?"
Agnar spun around, nearly spilling his mead. "Hey! This here is boys' night! You'll have to come back tomorrow, little girl!"
The newcomer puffed up their cheeks. "Hey! I'm a boy!!"
Agnar narrowed his eyes, looking the new guy up and down.
They stared right back at him.
"…Yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"…Alright then," Agnar said with a shrug. He handed over his own mug of mead. "Welcome to boys' night!" Then, without missing a beat, he turned back to me and demanded another drink.
The new guy took the mug, glanced at it, then chuckled and downed the whole thing in one go. For someone who looked like a young kid, they had some serious tolerance. They strutted over to the bar, slamming the empty mug down on the counter. "Oh my gosh! Pizza, burgers, hot dogs, and TV! What is this place!?" he asked, eyes full of excitement. His gaze flickered toward me. "And are you a nine-tailed fox!? That's so cool!"
"Damn right I am!" I grinned, resting an elbow on the bar. "Welcome to the Fox Hole. I'm Haru, the owner of this crazy interdimensional restaurant. Who are you?"
The newcomer grinned back. "Me? I'm Rimuru Tempest!"
XXX
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Here is the list of Current Advanced Chapters:
The Fallen Gamer ch 322-326
Thunder and Black Wings 14
The Fox Hole 66
The Blood Queen 38
The Fox Hole 65
The titan 29
The Fox Hole 64
Thunder and Black Wings 13
The Fox Hole 63
The Blood Queen 37
The Fox Hole 62
Thunder and Black Wings 12
The Fox Hole 61
The Titan 28