My life resembles a tennis ball on a ping pong table. Work, campus, work, campus, work, and occasionally, Jay.
College is not what I saw in movies or read about in books. I am not in any sorority, I never attended a single party, and I never had college friends.
If it wasn't for the change in my course, I would have been excited about going home. Instead, I will be disappointing my parents yet again.
I am finally going to get away from the chaotic waitressing job for a while, and I will be at the botanical garden. I miss working there with Kit. It was our favourite place during the holidays and on weekends. I smile as I recall how we would work for extra hours. He didn't need the money, but he loved the plants.
My heart races when I see the time. I have to rush to the stadium for the national soccer match. Jay needs my support, and I am all about supporting my boyfriend 100%.
I wear a green and yellow team jersey, soccer shorts, long socks and soccer boots. I feel a surge of pride and satisfaction when I look at the reflection staring back at me in the mirror. Anyone with a crush on Jay would have to take a glance at me, and they would have to let those fantasies go. He is mine and only mine. I haven't felt this confident in a while.
I run to the bus stop, I need to be early for the national game in order to meet Jay before the big game.
I show the security officers my pass, and they let me through.
I rush to the locker rooms. The team members are exiting. They smile and greet me when we pass each other.
Jay walks out of the locker room with a soccer ball in his hand. He is talking to Noah and laughing. His smile still makes me feel jittery, and every time he looks at me, and I wonder if I deserve him.
Jay stops dead in his tracks, and his mouth drops when he sees me.
Noah does a double take, and then he recollects himself.
"Hi," I say in a singsong voice, as I excitedly run towards Jay.
"Hi Noah." I turn in Noah's direction and I wave.
"Hi Harriet, I think your boyfriend is stunned." Noah smiles.
"See you on the field man. Good to see you Harriet." Noah pats Jay on the shoulder and jogs to the exit.
I hold Jay in a tight hug, but his muscular arms feel lax around me.
I let him go and I straighten.
"Are you okay?" I look into his eyes.
"Babe, you look like a soccer angel."
I blush at his comment.
"But what's wrong? You don't seem okay." I persist.
"I have been thinking. I think..." He trails off.
"I think we need to break up." He says the words with his voice slightly quivering.
'Please, don't let him go.' My inner voice begs. 'Please, please, just don't let him go.'
"Why?" I finally manage to get the words out.
"I need to focus on myself and my career. Don't make this harder than it already is. It is for the best." His eyes focuses on the floor.
I ignore my inner voice and I let the best eleven months of my life go down the drain. I am attached to him, and I thought that the feeling was mutual, he acted like it was.
I press my lips and turn around to walk away. He will notice that he is in love with me, and then he will ask me to get back together. I am not going to act desperate or pushy.
I scold myself when I get to my apartment. Millions are lining up to get a picture with him, and for hook-ups. Then here I am, making him settle for kisses only. When I arrive at my apartment, I sit on the mat, with my back to the bed. Then I allow myself to weep.
An alarm clock jolts me awake. I get up from the mat, and I immediately request a cab.
I blink, and then I find myself at the airport.
When I arrive at Blue River Airport, I take a cab outside the airport. Instead of heading home, I ask the driver to drop me off at the botanical garden, while I desperately try to get my mind off things.
I miss Kit. He worked hard all his life, and now he has more money than his parents. At his age, he got his life figured out. Whereas, I am about to tell my parents that I am enrolled in another course, and I want to change to a different course for the fourth time. At my age, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
I am welcomed by the scent of grass, tress and pollen. I close my eyes and take deep breaths.
I find Deborah eating outside.
"Are you on your lunch break?" I ask as I place the bags down with the help of my cab driver.
"Yes, are you supposed to be here?" Why didn't you take your bags home first?" Deborah takes a sip of her Sprite.
"It's a long story. I just need to do something." I suddenly break down in tears.
Deborah embraces me. She is a kind woman in her forties, and the best plant scientist.
"I can't let you work in this state, I know what to do. Wait here, don't eat my fries. I love you, and I feel for you, but don't eat my fries. I will buy them for you if you want."
I laugh through my tears, Deborah has that effect on others. She smiles.
"Wipe those tears, I want your face to look fresh when I come back. I have a surprise for you."
I nod, and Deborah disappears into the office wing.
She comes back holding Kit's hand. My jaw drops. I want to scream and run towards him, but I'm rooted to the spot.
"She is bored, and won't let me do my job. Can you two kids find something else to do while I do my job?" She coaxes.
"Deborah, I was doing my job when you pulled me out of the office for an emergency." Kit grins.
"This is an emergency," Deborah insists.
"Just go, I'll lock your office." She gently pushes Kit towards me.
Deborah takes her lunchbox, and she says eating in the kitchen is better.
"Fine, I'll attend to the emergency." Kit sounds defeated, but he is beaming.
Kit holds out his arms for a hug. I love Kit very much, but he is another person who reminds me that my life is a joke.
I really need to figure it out before I reach twenty-three at least, or I will feel like a loser among the most successful people.
"I really missed you." He smiles.
"Me too," I hold on to him.
When we let go, he quietly surveys my outfit.
"You are from a soccer match. How is that soccer player of yours?"
Tears stain my cheeks.
"Harriet?" Kit rubs one of my cheeks with his thumb. Gently wiping the tears.
"What did he do to you?" The bitterness in his voice is obvious.
"Nothing. We just broke up. That's it."
"I'm so sorry," he wraps his arms around my shoulders.
"That's okay. I never deserved him anyway."
Kit doesn't respond to that. He just holds me, and I hear his audible sigh above my head.