The smell of greasy pizza wafted through the room, clashing with the sterile scent of disinfectant that clung to the walls of the psych ward. I stared at the cheesy slice in my hand, not really seeing it. It was like eating air. Tasteless, but comforting. It sure wasn't a salad.
I used to love salads. Fresh veggies, quinoa bowls, green smoothies—all that health-conscious, Instagram-worthy crap. But now? Now, I only ate junk food. My body had been a temple, but when you almost die, the whole "my body is a temple" mindset kinda falls apart. You realize it doesn't really matter.
None of it does.
I took another bite of the pizza, the cheese pulling away in a string, hanging between my lips before I sucked it in. My gaze drifted across the common room. It wasn't hard to feel like the odd one out here. Not just because I was the only girl, but because I wasn't like them. Not anymore.
The guys stared at me from different corners of the room, their eyes always flickering over me like they were waiting for something. Maybe I was waiting, too.
There was Nico, the one who never spoke unless it was to insult someone. His hair was always a mess, a mop of dark curls hanging over his sharp green eyes, and I could feel them on me now as I ate, like he had some kind of problem with the way I devoured my food. I ignored him. Let him stare.
Beside him was Kai, quiet and mysterious, always leaning back in his chair, arms crossed, like he was hiding a secret under that cool exterior. Everyone said he was dangerous. I wasn't sure I cared.
Across the room was Aiden, the only one who actually tried to talk to me. He had the most normal smile, like he wasn't broken, like none of us were. That was a lie, of course. Everyone here was broken in one way or another, and if you weren't, you'd end up that way eventually.
And then there was Jonah. He was new, the wildcard. They said he came from another ward, transferred because of something that happened. Something bad. He was always watching, quiet but observant, like he was trying to figure me out before anyone else could.
It had only been a few months since I arrived at "The Program." That's what they called it. We weren't allowed to leave unless supervised, but it wasn't like I had anywhere to go. There was nowhere out there for someone like me.
"What are you looking at?" Nico's voice cut through the silence, his eyes narrowing as he leaned forward, arms on his knees. The others shifted but stayed silent, waiting for my reaction.
I shrugged, barely glancing at him. "Nothing. Just thinking how boring this place is."
Nico snorted, but didn't say anything else. He wasn't really the problem. None of them were. I wasn't sure what was anymore. The trauma? The pain? Or the fact that I couldn't feel much of anything at all?
I stood, dropping my half-eaten slice of pizza on the tray, and walked to the large window at the far end of the room. The view was a joke—a small patch of green grass surrounded by towering concrete walls. It reminded me of a prison yard. It probably was, in a way. For people like me.
What was someone like me? That was the question everyone here wanted answered, but no one asked outright. I didn't talk about it. Not to the nurses, not to the doctors, and definitely not to the boys. All they knew was that something had happened to me. Something bad enough that I'd stopped caring about anything. Even myself.
I almost died. And when you come that close to the edge, you start to realize that nothing they teach you about life matters. Health, happiness, love—it's all pointless. So, I eat pizza and burgers and fries. And I refuse to think about what happened.
But I can feel them watching me. I can feel their eyes on my back, like they're waiting for me to crack. Maybe one of them thinks they can fix me. Or maybe they're all as broken as I am, just pretending not to be.
It's a game. One I don't plan on playing, but one I'm already part of. The only girl, surrounded by guys who each have their own demons, all trapped in a psych ward that feels more like purgatory.
I turn back to face them, leaning against the cold glass of the window, arms crossed.
"You guys are all so quiet. What's wrong? Afraid to talk to me?" My voice is light, teasing, but it's a front. I want to see how they'll react, test them, to see what happens. I like to give them something every now and then so I don't come off as too mysterious.. this is my way of blending in, in a way of sorts..
Aiden is the first to smile, though it's more nervous than anything. "Maybe we just don't want to upset you."
I laugh, a sound that feels foreign even to me. "Trust me, there's not much you could do to upset me."
Kai shifts in his chair, glancing over at Nico, who's glaring at me like I've said something to piss him off. Typical. Jonah just watches in silence, like always.
"Maybe we should leave her alone," Kai mutters, more to himself than anyone else.
"Yeah, maybe you should," I say, smiling to myself as I walk back to my seat, reclaiming my cold pizza.
But I know they won't. They're all waiting for something. They all want something from me.
And one day, maybe I'll give them what they want. They'll only be disappointed in what they find.
But not yet.
Not today.
For now, I'll eat my junk food and let them think they're figuring me out.