"I heard a loud noise, is everything alright? John's mother asked, 'Ah. Fuck, I hate this. God, I want to leave." I steeled myself "I-uh-ta-didpyu-know, life?" I choked, greatly. 'I need to get this over with, I need to tell her."
"I caused this."
'There, I said it, it's been done, now brace for the storm Vanitas. "John, you did what? Did you break something?" I took a deep breath, and stated, "I woke up today as a fallen. Is it safe to assume you know what that means?"
"No, no, Lumie, tell you brother that his antics aren't funny when they go this far. Uh, Lumie?" Lumie looked down, she was whimpering in a docile state, and confessed somberly, "It's true, mother, it's true!" She clutched her throat with her own two hands, "I saw the authority with my own eyes! It's true that brother is no more!"
John's mother's eyes widened, she stared at me for what seemed like an eternity, then she opened her mouth and screamed a silent scream. Her hands clutched her forearms and started scratching painfully. She dropped to her knees and continued scratching.
'This, this is why I have to tell her, I can't imagine how much more painful it would be for me to reveal I've been pretending to be her son for weeks, months, or even years.'
I heard a slow crescendo of painful noise originating from John's mother. All this time, scratching and despairing on the floor, she continued to scream, silently.
But now she regained some clarity, enough clarity to make some noise, and that noise she made was incomprehensible but I understood every meaning behind it. It was worry, it was sorrow, it was grief, it was shame, and it was guilt.
Her words became more comprehensible, "I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SO SORRY, JOHN! I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I DIDN'T MEAN…" She stopped screaming, her mouth still agape as if it were locked in place. Her face trembled, she stopped scratching her forearms, as she revealed those forearms, it looked as if they were mauled by a terrible beast.
My heart sank even further.
Blood dripped from her hands and fingers to the scratch-indented boards, sinking into the small and thin depressions. It almost looked like a piece of art, I'd call it, "I want to look away" because I did. I've experienced a few instances of traumatizing pain in my life, but nothing could prepare me for this.
I'm not some emotionless narcissist, I've always felt pity for others, like any other human being, but it was the first time it ever felt so visceral. The first time it ever felt so intense. Maybe that's because I was the one who caused that pain. Why are these emotions never in transmigration stories?
Is it because they're fantasy? The only time emotions get to this level is in tragedy, but this is no tragedy.
This is reality.
When parents' children's souls get taken over by aliens from another world, THEY DON'T JUST TAKE THAT WITH A SMILE! THEY CRY! THEY GRIEVE! THEY BLAME!
JUST WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT TO HAPPEN, VANITAS! YOU WHAT, EXPECTED TO BE CARED FOR? EXPECTED TO BE LOVED! EXPECTED TO BE CODDLED? Oh, it's okay vanitas, you may be a being from another dimension and may or may not have killed our son's soul and are currently living in his body, but we still love you.
BULLSHIT!
I'M NOTHING BUT A MONSTER! A FOUL DEMON, A FEARED BEAST! I'M THE REASON HER SON IS DEAD! I'M THE REASON JOHN WILL NEVER SMILE! I'M THE REASON HE WILL NEVER LAUGH! HE WILL NEVER AGAIN CRY! HE WILL NEVER AGAIN FEEL JOY, FEEL ANGER, FEEL LOVE, FEEL SADNESS, OR FEEL HAPPINESS!
THERE WILL NEVER AGAIN BE A TIME WHERE THE VALENTINES' WILL TRULY BE A HAPPY FAMILY! I TOOK THAT AWAY FROM THEM! WHY DID I DO THAT?! VANITAS, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT! OH, I REMEMBER NOW, IT WAS FOR MY OWN EGO! PURSUING SOMETHING AS INVARIABLE AS "STRENGTH"!
HA, LOOK AT ME NOW, I HAVE THE STRENGTH I COVETED AND I'VE NEVER FELT FUCKING WEAKER! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! I WANTED STRENGTH BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO DIE! IN ORDER FOR ME TO ESCAPE DEATH IT WAS APPLIED ON SOMEONE ELSE! I KILLED YOUR BROTHER, I'M SORRY LUMIA! I STOLE YOUR LIFE, I'M SORRY JOHN! I KILLED YOUR SON, I'M SORRY JOHN'S MOTHER!
John's mother? John's mother. John's mother! JOHN'S MOTHER! I ENCROACHED UPON YOUR ALREADY STRUGGLING LIFE AND DESTROYED WHAT LIGHT REMAINED! YET I NEVER EVEN ASKED FOR YOUR NAME!
IF I COULD GO BACK AND FIX THINGS,
I DEFINITELY,...
….I definitely,
..I definitely…wouldn't. Who am I kidding? I definitely wouldn't. I don't want to die, and I wouldn't sacrifice that belief for anyone or anything. I'd do it all again, but I can assure you of one thing: there wouldn't be a smile on my face.'
A moment later, just after john's mother stop scratching, she stood up from her knees, took a deep breath, and spoke in an unstable, and somberly voice, "He-Hello there Mr. Fallen." She took another deeper breath, "It's a pleasure to meet your acquaintance."
This politeness damaged me in a way I didn't think possible. 'WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY WOULD THIS SHIT BE A PLEASURE! WHY WOULD YOU EVER TELL SUCH A LIE, WHY WOULD YOU EVER BE POLITE TO ME! I KILLED YOUR SON! YOU SHOULD HATE ME! I WOULD HATE ME! I DO HATE ME!'
She spoke again, this time in a more stable manner, seeing the tears forming in my eyes, "Don't feel bad, i'm not upset with you, it's not your fault. You shouldn't feel responsible for John's death, like many children in similar situations, my son died due to the conditions we are placed in. You entering or not entering his body after his death would not have brung him back.
I remember what you said earlier, you said that you saw hope and possibilities, I'm sorry I doubted you.
After all, this was probably my husband's final gambit at a better life for us all, I don't how he managed it but I am eternally grateful." Lumie looked at her, completely and utterly speechless at that statement.
John's Mother continued, "Plus, this is my fault anyways, I-" She choked again, her calmer demeanor falling apart at the seams. "I always wanted for our family to have power, I was jealous of others, but really that was only when when I was younger. Looking back on it now, I just want my kids to be happy.
I wanted for all of us to be happy, but it seems that I've already failed at that ambition, a dead husband, the same house all my parents' ambitions also perished in, and now, a dead son. I can just hope john is in a better place now, a happier place now. He was also so joyful, maybe now he'll get a place worthy of that joy."
'Is that true? I am really not responsible? Did me transmigrating really not kill john? Well of course it didn't, he was already dead, but I sure acted like I killed him. Although, my experiment might of killed him. Wait, no it didn't. At it's baseline my experiment was mostly a thought experiment.
The experiment didn't force irreputable damage to his soul, in fact, I had no way to even suggest it to him. Regardless of weather I carried out my experiment or not, john's soul would have still been damaged, and he essentially still would have died. Then why did I go down the road of feeling overly guilty?
Guilty? Guilty? Guilty?...The Guilty? Was it the authority, do authorities have psychological effects on fallen all the time, or is it only after the've used their authority? Actually, it could be a lingering afteraffect of going to that world.
I had the right of feeling guilty and the way I did, it just felt like I felt too guilty, in a way. Looking back on it, my mind instantly chose the "I killed john" route without looking for other moral justification and logical reasonings, that's unlike me.
I think the authority's influence is mostly gone, I feel capable of thinking in 2 different moral directions now. If it's gone after that guilt attack, does that mean it's not time based but quantity based?
Alright, alright, okay, that was an intense moment, even if half of it was fabricated by ever-expanding guilt. Now that I've calmed down a bit, I should move on, I'm tired, this world doesn't seem very healthy for the mind. I'll start rejuvenating with introductions.'
The duo just stared at me for the duration of my contemplation, I tried to break the ice, "As I already told Lumie, My name is Vanitas." I looked at the mother, "What's yours?" She responded, "Runia, Mr. Vanitas, it's Runia Valentine."