"What?" Tommy said. "Why?"
"Is she taking you away from us?" Dan said.
"No, it's nothing like that. It's much worse," I said. "I'm a vampire now and I have responsibilities. I have to fight in a war to save the world now. You know, grown up stuff. I know it sucks but you'll still see me occasionally."
"You're a what?" Tommy said.
"Like for real?" Dan said. "Do you sleep in a coffin? Does your erection hit the top of the coffin when you're sleeping? Doesn't that get uncomfortable?"
"I'm a vampire. I'm serious. I can prove it. Also, no dan I don't sleep in a coffin. And yes that would probably happen if I did and yes that would probably be uncomfortable," I said wiping my eyes.
"Ok, prove it loser! Prove you're not just abandoning us because you got a girlfriend!" Tommy said.
"Yeah, what he said," Dan said.
"Knife," I said, holding my hand out towards Tommy. Tommy handed me his knife he keeps on him at all times.
I put my hand flat out on the table and spread my fingers liked I was going to do the knife dance between my fingers but instead I brought the knife down right in the middle of the back of my hand. I stabbed through my hand into table below.
"See?" I said.
I moved my hand up and down on the blade, demonstrating that the knife was through my hand. It hurt like hell, but these guys meant a lot to me and I would hate for them to think I was abandoning them for no good reason.
Don't get me wrong, I was abandoning them. It was just for a good reason. Didn't mean our friendship couldn't go out with a bang. I was taking them to this monster pit fight whether they liked it or not. But they would like it. I knew them well enough to know that.
"Yes. I see that you stabbed yourself in the hand with my knife, thus implicating me in a potential assault charge against your person. Cool," Tommy said.
"Why did you do that? I mean, what was the purpose of that?" Dan said, blown away by what I just did.
"You'll see," I said smiling at them.
I pulled the knife out of the table and out of my hand. It took a few tugs. It was stuck in there pretty good. I showed them my palm as it healed right in front of their eyes.
"Wait, what the f*ck?" Dan said. "How did you do that?"
"Was that a magic trick? Because it didn't look like one," Tommy said.
"It was not a magic trick. You don't believe me yet? For that, I will give you the middle finger," I said. Then I cut my middle finger off and placed it on the table in front of them.
I used Vi to control the flow of my blood so it didn't gush out of my hand as my middle finger grew back. Then, when my middle finger had grown back, I flipped them off for fun.
"Whoa! No way! This really is your finger, isn't it?" Dan said picking it up.
"That's not possible. Give me that thing. It's probably just silicone or something," Tommy said. Dan handed him the finger and Tommy squeezed it. "Whoa! Holy sh*t, that's a f*cking finger!" He threw it back on the table.
I wiped the knife clean on the inside of my sleeve and handed it back to Tommy. Tommy shakily put it away.
"So guys. I'm literally a f*cking vampire. Watch, my teeth can do this thing now." I bared my fangs and made them lengthen and shorten multiple times. Then I did a teeth version of the pec dance where I alternated lengthening and shortening them.
"Ok, you're a vampire. Now what? That still doesn't explain why you have to leave the band." Tommy said, putting his hand down on the table.
"Yeah! What he said. Why do you have to leave the band, you vampire freak!" Dan said.
"As I said, I have a responsibility to the Vampire Association," I said, crossing my arms.
"No, you don't!" Dan said. "Leave those f*ckers. We'll put drapes on your windows so you don't explode from the sun. We'll take care of you, bro."
"I appreciate that Dan. I really do, but I do have a responsibility. I may not have a direct responsibility to the Vampire Association, but I'm the only one who can stop a cataclysmic series of dungeon breaks that could kill thousands of people. Who knows, maybe millions," I said.
"Dungeon breaks? What do you mean?" He said.
"So there are these huge caves basically that have a ton of literal monsters in them that keep breeding and making more of them underground. If they break out, they could come to the surface and kill a bunch of people. And I'm the only one capable of defeating them," I said.
"Oh shit. Well, at least let us have one last night out, right?" Dan said.
"Yeah! One last night out!" Tommy said.
"It's funny you say that, because Victoria and I were actually planning to bring you along to what we have going tonight," I said.
"What is it?" Dan said.
"Yeah, what is it?" Tommy said.
"Monster pit fighting," I said.
"Whoa, that's an actual thing?" Tommy said.
"Yeah, and we're going to go do it. You guys will have to just watch," I said.
"Wait, you guys are actually going to fight? Is she a monster too?" Dan said pointing at Victoria.
"Who do you think turned him into a vampire?" She said. "I sucked his dick so hard he turned into a vampire."
"Oh you probably bit it. Yeah, Dylan has a problem with girls accidentally biting his dick," Dan said.
"It's too big," Tommy said.
Dan made a obscenely large measurement with his hands.
"Oh, I know," She said, and winked at them.