Fortunately, Hermione's parents came through. A huge box appeared in the Owlery the very next morning. Harry seemed incredulous Hermione's owl – a lovely specimen she'd named Athena – was able to carry such a huge box. I didn't understand why he was so shocked. You'd think he'd have realized magical owls could carry just about anything. It's magic. There aren't limits. That's what magic is.
Hermione, laughing maniacally, pulled out three bulky looking masks with strange letters on the side of it. Some of the letters I recognized like S and H, but there were also unfamiliar letters like a backwards N and a circle with a line through it. She then took out a weird looking box. Finally, she took out a canister. "Oh, this is going to be so good." She proceeded to explain what was in the canister and I had to agree. It was going to be amazing.
After what felt like an eternity, the time of the duel finally arrived. It wasn't enough to win. We had to dominate Malfoy. We had to make it look easy. We had to destroy his reputation of being a leader. No one should want to follow him when we were done with him. If all went well, that was what would happen. The problem was, when did things ever go well?
"You could surrender now," Malfoy said when he pranced onto the dueling platform that had been set up in the middle of the hall. The rumor mill said Malfoy had tattled to Professor Sinistra, but it had backfired because she'd given the duel her stamp of approval. On the bright side, with her watching, no one would get too hurt. "I'll go easy on you…maybe."
"Do you hear someone talking, Harry?" Hermione said angelically.
"No one important." I gave Harry a high five.
Harry took a step forward. "I have just three words to say. Siri, play Thriller!"
A catchy, funky tune started playing from Harry's mobile. I'm not sure where he was hiding it, but the music started playing throughout the room. Kids started looking around for the source of the music. Harry started dancing, shuffling back and forth in a way that was vaguely reminiscent of an Inferius.
It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark
Malfoy let out a snarl and threw an Incendio in the direction of where he thought the music was emanating from. It bounced off the window (Harry breathed a sigh of relief for some reason) and nearly hit a student before Professor Sinistra extinguished it with a wave of her wand, not even saying a word.
Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart
Malfoy now aimed his wand directly at us, but Hermione pressed a button and fog started spewing out of the box, the fog machine as Hermione had said and Malfoy couldn't quite see us, especially with me and Hermione starting to dance like Harry did.
You try to scream, but terror takes the sound before you make it
"IMMOBULUS!" Malfoy screamed. I didn't recognize that spell – it wasn't in this year's textbook – but it didn't matter because it missed me by a matter of centimeters. Even through the fog, I could see the naked confusion in his eyes.
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes
"Having fun, Malfoy?" Harry taunted.
"Your little tricks aren't going to stop me, Potter!" Malfoy said, sounding near hysterics. "I'm the best! I'm a powerful wizard!"
"You're nothing," Harry said with calm certainty.
Cause this is thriller! Thriller night! And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike!
Harry said something in Parseltongue and everyone jolted as they realized that Harry was a Parselmouth. Even Professor Sinistra looked surprised. Ishtaran emerged from Harry's pocket and bit Malfoy on the leg. It wouldn't harm him – he didn't have any venom – but it sure as hell disoriented Malfoy. We needed to keep him off balance, otherwise one of his spells might hit us and it'd all be over.
You know it's thriller! Thriller night! You're fighting for your life inside a killer thriller tonight!
Malfoy hurled a barrage of Diffendos at us. Hermione let out a wince as one of them sliced through the arm of her robe but did not hit her skin. But that had been close. Very close. Okay, fine, in the fog, maybe we could make it look like she hadn't bled. But that wasn't the way we wanted to do things. We wanted to win square, if not necessarily fair.
You hear the door slam and realize there's nowhere left to run
....
Malfoy used a Wingardium Leviosa to try to hurl a couch at us. It missed us by a kilometer. Hermione started giggling. Not just to taunt Malfoy. She was finding his desperation truly funny.
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination
"Are we ready for the finale?"
But all the while, you hear a creature creeping up behind! You're out of time!
"You know it!" Harry said with a thumbs up. We proceeded to put our gas masks on and Hermione opened the canister…
…and nitrous oxide filled the room.
Hermione's parents, as you recall, are dentists. They sometimes have to do very painful procedures, but ones where the patient needs to be conscious. The solution is nitrous oxide, a colorless gas which produces a numbing and euphoric effect. With our gas masks, the gas didn't effect us, but it did effect Malfoy, who was so dazed and disoriented by the gas, he didn't even resist when Hermione simply plucked his wand out of his hand.
Professor Sinistra used a spell to clear up the gas, as well as the fog, and Malfoy just stared at us like we'd revealed ourselves as demons from hell. "You tricked me…" he stammered. He pointed at Harry. "You're a Parselmouth!"
Harry said something to Ishtaran, who did a little dance. The spectators laughed.
"There has to be a rule against this," Malfoy said frantically to Professor Sinistra.
"Strangely enough, there isn't," Professor Sinistra admitted. "Though there will be. I'm not letting this happen again."
Malfoy just opened and closed his mouth repeatedly. "I don't understand."
"It's called being better than you are, Malfoy," I said in a mock sympathetic tone. "Maybe you'll experience it for yourself one day. But not today."
And that's how we trounced Malfoy using nothing but Muggle weapons. Dad, you should definitely tell this story to Malfoy's dad at the Ministry. He'd blow up a gasket!
Love,
Ron
....
Father,
By now you've probably heard of my humiliation. I just don't understand how I could have lost a duel against a mudbloods and two blood traitors! I tried so hard, but I just couldn't do it! Mudbloods are base animals and I don't understand how I could possibly have lost to one. What am I missing?
Your son,
Draco Malfoy
....
My dear boy,
Muggles are extremely dangerous creatures. And while it is true that they are more ingenious than your dear aunt probably impressed upon you during your visits to her, this only serves to make them more dangerous, not less dangerous.
Fortunately, I have the perfect instrument for your revenge. With the attached book, you'll be able to humiliate the Muggle lovers and take over Slytherin once and for all. I look forward to you becoming the man you were always meant to be.
Your father
.....
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