If Pacifica didn't have a high opinion of Mabel, Steven, Dipper, and Connie before, the four of them dragging her to the town cemetery certainly didn't do anything to change that. Even with her family's pride at stake, she was already regretting her decision to come along on this ridiculous "adventure" of theirs.
"So what?" she cringed as they passed by yet another deteriorating tombstone. "Is this just where you dweebs like to come hang out, or is there actually supposed to be some kind of 'proof' here? 'Cause I'm not seeing any."
"If you really have to know," Connie shot a critical look back over her shoulder at her. "Our next clue is right over… here."
The group stopped before a tall, angelic statue, the very statue their map was pointing them to. Dipper and Connie approached it first, eyeing it carefully for any potential switches or secrets. "Hm… it must be pointing toward the next clue," Dipper theorized.
"Yeah, but what?" Connie looked in the direction the statue was dictating. "There's nothing over there but more headstones…"
"Oh, gross!" Mabel suddenly caught everyone's attention. She giggled as she hung by the nose on the statue's pointed finger. "She's picking my nose!" Her amusement quickly shifted into alarm when the statue's finger suddenly snapped upwards. The second it did, the grave in front of the statue began to slide open, revealing a set of stairs leading somewhere underground.
"Whoa!" Steven gasped, stars in his eyes. "It's a super secret tunnel! Great job, Mabel!"
"Ha! Who's silly now , Pacifica?" Mabel fixed the other girl with a triumphant smirk. Only to immediately fall off the statue, landing hard at her feet.
"Uh, still you," Pacifica sneered down at her. She didn't keep the upper hand for long, however, as a sharp, fierce growl suddenly sounded from only inches behind her. She squealed when she spun around to see the large pink feline snarling at her, rushing to hide for cover behind Dipper without even thinking. "What the heck is that ?!" she asked, terrified.
"Oh, Lion!" Steven grinned, hurrying over to give his pet a hug. "What are you doing all the way out here, buddy?"
Lion simply offered a calm roar this time, happily accepting the ear scratches Mabel was giving him. Pacifica, however, was still far from allayed. "No, seriously, what is that thing and why is it pink ?" she asked, still clinging onto Dipper for dear life. At least until he made a point of pulling his arm away from her.
"Oh, this is just Lion," Steven explained. "He's… well, he's Lion."
"That explains literally nothing," Pacifica deadpanned.
"Huh," Connie watched as Lion led the way into the newly opened passage. "I guess Lion wants to come along with us."
"Great!" Steven grinned, excited. "Every mystery-hunting team needs a super cute animal sidekick after all!"
"Yeah!" Mabel wholeheartedly agreed. She was the first of the group to follow Lion into the passageway, happily munching on the butterscotch she'd brought along for the trip. "Now we're getting into real conspiracy mode! I'm feeling serious . Aren't you, Steven?"
"I sure am!" Steven nodded as he launched into another impromptu song. "Oooh, we're going on a mystery hunt! For some secret mystery stuff! Something, something, mystery something!"
"Oh my gosh," Pacifica groaned, facepalming. " Why did I agree to come with you annoying weirdos again?"
"You'd better watch it, Pacifica," Dipper smirked when he noticed Lion glaring back at her. "Lion really doesn't like it when anyone makes fun of Steven. Who knows? He might just get mad enough to make his next meal a gourmet one, if you catch my drift."
"W-what?!" Pacifica paled, alarmed.
"Don't worry, Pacifica," Steven assured, chuckling. "Lion's never eaten anyone before. Or at least… I don't think he has… Huh."
The entire group started, surprised, when Lion suddenly chimed into the conversation with a low, rumbling roar. He positioned himself in front of the group, blocking their path forward as he reared low, fixing Steven with an almost insistent look."Uh… you wanna give us a ride?" he inferred. Lion didn't respond outside of a single blink; and for Steven at least, that was more than enough of a 'yes'. "Well, if you say so."
"Whoa, hold on," Pacifica watched, wide eyed, as the others climbed onto Lion's back. "You don't seriously expect me to get on that thing, do you?"
"Aw, what?" Connie goaded. "Don't tell us you're scared ."
"Tch, no ," Pacifica bristled, blushing. She shoved the hand Mabel was offering her away in favor of clumsily climbing onto Lion herself.
Between all five of them, it was a very tight, cramped fit. Yet strangely, Lion didn't seem to be bothered by all of the extra weight when, without warning, he took off running straight through the narrow tunnel. The kids had no choice but to cling onto each other, each of them screaming against Lion's rapid pace. Their terror only mounted when Dipper managed to shine his flashlight ahead to the solid stone wall Lion was bolting straight towards.
"Dead end!" he warned, panicked.
"Lion, wait!" Steven pleaded, pulling on his pet's pastel mane. "Don't run into the-"
His cries were ultimately drowned out by the piercing roar that ripped out of Lion's maw, a wave of sonic energy shooting out into the air along with it. This energy struck the wall squarely, imploding its stony surface on contact and creating a wide opening. Lion darted through that opening, into the vast, open chamber that somehow awaited on the other side of it. As he skidded to a stop on the surface of the shallow water covering the ground, all five kids fell off of him, equally stunned as they splashed into the pool.
"Oh my gosh!" Mabel gasped as she sat up, exhilarated. "Let's do that again!"
"What are you, nuts?" Pacifica huffed as she wrung the water out of her hair. "I can't believe this… First you dorks drag me to a filthy graveyard, then you force me onto the back of that probably flea-ridden thing ," she fixed Lion with an icy glare that he was more than happy to return in full. "And now… now we're in some gross wet cave and my custom-made Pioneer Day outfit is ruined !" She motioned down to her soaking wet, slightly muddy dress. "Whatever you nerds think you found better be enough to make you the town laughingstocks, or else you'll be hearing from my exceptionally well-paid lawyers!"
"Yeah, well, I don't know about us becoming the town laughingstocks," Dipper dryly returned as he spared a glance at the surrounding cave. "But it looks like we sure did find… something ."
Indeed, it was an impressive sight; a deep cavern filled with jagged stones rising from both the ground and ceiling. And in the center of the chamber, resting in the water, was a huge, circular stone platform, practically shimmering in the cave's natural light.
"You don't think this could be some sort of magical Gem place, do you?" Connie wondered. The kids quickly got their answer when Steven stepped foot on the platform, somehow igniting it in a soft, otherworldly sort of light. A hand-shaped pedestal slowly rose up from the center of the slab, adorned with the symbol of a rose spiraled by thorns.
"Yep. Magic Gem place," Steven confirmed. Unable to quell their curiosity, the kids gathered around the pedestal as Lion padded over to watch. "Uh, Lion?" Steven turned to him, frowning. "Normally I'm all about this stuff, but I don't think there are really any clues here…"
In lieu of any actual answers, Lion simply fixed Steven with a cryptic gaze as he let out another tranquil growl. "What does that even mean, Lion?!" Steven fussed, exasperated. "What does that even mean?"
"Wait," Dipper stepped a bit closer to the pedestal as he pulled out the journal. "I've seen that symbol before…" He flipped through a few pages before finally finding a sketch of the exact insignia resting on the hand. "Here it is: 'The emblem of Rose Quartz'. "
"My mom?" Steven asked, surprised.
"No way…" Mabel gasped. "Steven, if this place was your mom's, then Lion must have brought you here for some super special destiny-type stuff! Give it a high five and see what happens!"
"Ok," Steven did exactly that. As soon as he placed his hand on the pedestal, it was enveloped in the same white light as the rest of the platform, much to (almost) everyone's fasciation.
"What in the world…?" Pacifica muttered, utterly bewildered by what she was seeing.
"Hey, I think it likes you!" Connie flashed Steven a wry grin.
Steven laughed, though it quickly faded when he tried to slip his hand off the pedestal, only for it to remain firmly planted in place. "Ah! My hand's stuck!" he gasped, alarmed. "It won't—come off!"
While Connie, Dipper, and Mabel rushed to Steven's aid, Pacifica simply stood by, arms crossed as she tried and failed to make sense of all of this. She yelped, however, when she was nearly knocked off her feet from the shape that suddenly rose up from the platform right beside her. Said shape was a large, long case, holding a diverse set of unique, elegant blades, all hovering in a neatly organized line.
"Hey, swords!" Connie grinned, intrigued.
"No!" Steven fearfully cried. In an instant, the swords sunk back into the platform, as though they were never there at all.
"Ok, what is going on here?" Dipper asked, just as confused as the others were. "Steven, how'd you do that?"
"I don't know…"
"Do it again! Do it again!" Mabel urged, shaking him by the shoulder. Just by this movement alone, another set of weaponry rose up from the platform: a collection of axes of all shapes and sizes. "Cool!"
"Whoa, that gives me an idea," Dipper said. Without warning, he gave Steven a sudden jab on the shoulder and Connie, quickly understanding his plan, followed suit by pulling on Steven's ear.
"Ow! You guys, what-" Steven tried to ask, only for Mabel to cut him off by poking him in the side. He could do little else but laugh as his friends poked and prodded him, hoping that each move might bring about some sort of reaction from the pedestal. "H-hey! Stop it! I'm ticklish!" he cried between his laughter. "Cut it out, you guys! I'm gonna pee!"
Despite his protests, the plan somehow worked as a large collection of armor emerged from the platform all around them. On that alone, Steven couldn't quell his own curiosity for what else this mysterious chamber might hold as he cried, "Quick! Someone press my nose!"
Connie did so, swiftly replacing the armor with a trio of familiar-looking pink canons. "Are those light cannons?" Mabel asked, surprised.
"We totally could have used those to destroy that Red Eye a few weeks ago…" Dipper noted, deadpan.
"To destroy the what ?" Pacifica asked, even more lost in the shuffle than she already was.
Her question was ultimately left unanswered as Mabel tugged at the corners of Steven's mouth. "Next!" As the light canons sunk back into the pedestal, a statue of a woman bearing three large flails hanging from each of her arms rose up in their place. "Ooo! Spikey chain balls!"
As Dipper poked the center of Steven's back, the flails were replaced with perhaps the oddest sight they had seen yet. "A giant… penny?"
"Does that mean it's worth more than a regular penny?" Connie pondered.
"Well, that would make 'cents' ," Steven joked. And while that was more than enough to get a laugh out of the others, Pacifica had long-since passed the limits of her already low patience.
"Alright, I've had it!" she snapped, frustrated. "None of this useless garbage proves anything! Just admit it already: you were just mad about how I totally embarrassed you earlier, so you came up with all that conspiracy junk to try and get back at me. Well guess what? It didn't work. Now, if you'll excuse me," she brushed her dirty dress off with a haughty smirk as she turned to leave. "I have a festival to get back to being the center of. Later, losers!"
"Aw…" Mabel's shoulders drooped in disappointment. "And I really thought we were onto something too…"
"Yeah," Steven agreed, sighing. "Now how are we ever supposed to prove that we're serious…?"
Out of seemingly nowhere, the entire platform flashed brighter than ever before. Steven's hand was finally freed from the pedestal as the platform rumbled gently against the water surrounding it. Pacifica stopped in her tracks at the edge, spinning around to join the others in watching something else emerge from the platform. While there were no weapons this time, there was just about everything else, between stacks of books, weathered scrolls, authentic antiques, and historical portraits. Despite her better judgement, Pacifica followed as Steven, Connie, Dipper, and Mabel ventured in closer to see exactly what this new discovery might hold.
"Wow! It's a treasure trove of historic-y, secret-y things!" Mabel grinned as she grabbed a document labeled "top secret". Not only did the page reveal that Abraham Lincoln had an extra hand hidden under his top hat, but it also revealed Ben Franklin's true gender. "Oh man! Benjamin Franklin secretly was a woman!"
"Huh, I never knew John Adams had a pet rhino…" Connie mused, looking over a portrait displaying the second president and his beloved pet.
"Whoa, this one has the Gems in it!" Steven held up a painting of the Gems clad in old-fashioned clothes on board a boat with several humans. In it, Garnet stood perched on the bow of the boat as she punched a shark squarely in the face. "Cool!"
It didn't take long for Dipper to happen upon another groundbreaking document, one that contained the very info they'd come all this way to find. "Guys, check this out!" he called the others over to join him before reading it aloud. " Let it be here recorded that, after being deposed from his position of co-wagon train leader, William Dewey, supposed first mayor of Gravity Falls, was actually just a common manure salesman. Likewise, his partner, Nathaniel Northwest, fabled founder of Gravity Falls, was, in fact, a fraud, as well as a waste-shoveling village idiot."
" WHAT?! " Pacifica's scandalized shriek echoed through the entire cavern. "Let me see that!" She snatched the document away from Dipper, rapidly reading it through for herself. And the more she read, the more dismayed she became by the truth behind what she thought she'd always known. "No… no, this… this has gotta be fake! There's no way this is true! Nathaniel Northwest was a Northwest . He couldn't have just been some… some nobody like… like all of you !"
"Uh, he could have been and it sure sounds like he was ," Connie crossed her arms.
"Sorry to break it to you, Pacifica," Dipper added, just as smugly pleased by their incredible find. "But your great-great grandfather–heck, your whole family really–was just one big sham all along. Man, just wait till the papers hear about this!"
"You guys…" Mabel quietly admonished when she noticed the genuinely distressed look on Pacifica's face. A look that made her wonder if maybe they were the ones going too far in humiliating the one who had once humiliated them.
"I-I just… I don't understand…" Pacifica muttered, shaking her head. By now, she was gripping the cover-up document so tightly her hands were trembling from sheer mortification alone. "If he wasn't the founder… then who was ?"
"Oh!" Steven supplied an answer to this question as he spotted another document lying nearby. "According to this, "The true founder of Gravity Falls was Sir Lord Quentin Trembly III, Esquire."
"Who's Quentin Trembly?" Mabel asked, confused.
"That's none of your business!" The kids turned, startled, to find Blubs and Durland standing in the entryway Lion had created earlier. As exhausted as they were from the lengthy trek down here, they leaned against each other for support, catching their breath for a moment before storming up to join the kids on the platform.
"Woo! We gotcha!" Durland rung his bell, letting it echo loudly through the surrounding cave.
"Uh, maybe you should have closed up that hole your roar made, Lion…" Steven frowned. For his part, however, Lion didn't so much as budge from the spot on the edge of the platform he was napping in.
"Oh, officers! Thank goodness, you're here," Pacifica put on a sudden dramatic air. In an instant, her earnest despair was lost behind a mask meant to incriminate the ones who had, in her eyes, shattered her family's history in an instant. "These four degenerates kidnapped me and dragged me all the way down here just so they could tell me such vicious lies about my dear great-great grandfather!"
"We did what ?" Connie sharply asked.
"Can you believe it?" Pacifica pretended to cower behind the cops. "I'm positively traumatized ! You ought to arrest all four of them–and confiscate any whistleblowing documents they might have on them–on the spot for everything they've done to me!" She pointed an accusing finger at the group, who could only stand by in a mix of alarm and disgust at how she was trying to turn the tables against them. "My father will demand it when he finds out about this!"
"Er… Sorry, Miss Northwest," Blubs rubbed the back of his neck, frowning. "The jig's up. We already know all 'bout the Dewey/Northwest coverup and about Quentin Trembly. It's a matter of national security."
"What?" Pacifica balked, dropping her act in an instant.
"What do you mean 'national security'?" Dipper spoke up.
"And who was Quentin Trembly?" Connie asked, just as confused.
"See for yourselves," Blubs removed his hat to reveal a film reel. Fortunately, a projector was among the nearby collection, and so the sheriff put the tape in, casting the projection on the cave wall.
"Aw, it's black and white?" Mabel complained. Dipper was quick to shush her as the film began.
A government official, clad in a stately suit, appeared on the reel to deliver a sternly serious message. "If you're watching this, then you are one of the eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot as soon as this filming is complete." The official paused briefly, glancing off-screen before letting out an allayed sigh. "Oh what? No? Whoo! Well that's a relief!" After another beat, he looked back to the camera and continued. "Of all of America's secrets, the most embarrassing was that of Quentin Trembly, the eighth -and-a-half president of the United States."
"President?" all five of the kids questioned, mutually puzzled.
"After winning the 1837 election in a literal landslide, Quentin Trembly quickly gained a reputation as America's silliest president. He waged war on pancakes, appointed six babies to the Supreme Court, and issued the de-pants-ipation proclamation. His State of the Union address was even worse:"
"The only thing we have to fear is gigantic, man-eating spiders!" a vocal reenactment of the former president boldly proclaimed.
"He was kicked out of office and escaped to an uncharted valley that he named Gravity Falls, after plummeting into it at high speed. Trembly's shameful term was erased from history and he was officially replaced by William Henry Harrison as president, local manure salesman William Dewey as Gravity Falls' first mayor, and local nobody Nathanial Northwest as its founder. The whereabouts of president Trembly's body are unknown."
"Until now," Blubs said as the tape came to an end. The sheriff nodded to the other side of the platform, where the body of the eighth-and-a-half president himself was encased in a large, opaque orange block made of some sort of unknown material.
"Whoa, is this like, amber or something?" Dipper asked as everyone gathered before the petrified president.
"The fool thought he could live forever by encasing himself in a block of solid peanut brittle. Smooth move, Mr. President!" Blubbs goaded. "Trembly's body has been missing for over a hundred years now, and finding it was our special mission. And now, thanks to you kids, it's complete."
"Who knew all we had to do was follow a little girl's trail of candy wrappers to a lion-sized hole?" Durland snickered.
Mabel and Steven couldn't help but share facepalm at this. Because between the two of them, they'd led the officers straight to them, putting a sudden end to their quest just before it could reach its completion. All because they had to go and be silly , just like they always were, just like they'd always be.
"Now that you know the truth, well, we can't let you go around talkin' about it," Blubs said, his hands on his hips.
"You don't mean-" Connie began to ask, though Mabel was quick to finish the question.
"Are you going to kill us?!"
"Oh no!" Durland gasped, alarmed.
"No, no!" Blubbs quickly clarified. "We're just gonna escort all of you and all this stuff back to Washington. You ain't coming back by the way."
"Ha!" Pacifica let out a triumphant laugh as she turned back to the others, taking vindictive pleasure in their frightened faces. "That's exactly what you four deserve for thinking you could upstage the Northwest family. And even better yet, now nobody will ever know about this so-called 'conspiracy' you dug up. Go ahead and take them away, officers. Goodbye and good riddance."
"Uh… well, actually…" Durland frowned.
"When we said all of you," Blubs continued where he left off. "We meant all of you."
"Wait, what?" Pacifica started when the cops began to corral her closer to the other kids. No doubt in an effort to round them all up and haul them off to the nation's capital, never to return.
Despite their dire straits, Steven made an effort to try and save them all before it was too late. "L-Lion!" he called to his still-snoozing pet. "Could you maybe wake up and help us out?! Please?!"
Lion only responded with a tired roar as he rolled over on his other side, content to continue sleeping peacefully through it all. "Gee, Lion, nice to know we can always count on you," Dipper scowled, annoyed.
"Alright, kids, enough stalling," Blubs said he and Durland began to round them, and everything they'd uncovered, up. "We have a train to catch."
"You can't do this to me! Do you have any idea what my net worth is!?" Pacifica furiously pounded on the side of the crate she and the other kids had been locked away in. Steven, Connie, Lion, and the twins wisely steered clear of her as she shouted a barrage of empty threats at the cops, even if they'd abandoned them and the president's frozen remains in the cargo hold as soon as they'd boarded the Washington-bound train. " I'll have your jobs, your houses, your cars, your… your left kidneys! All of it is gonna be sued right out from under you for even thinking about treating me like a common criminal!"
"Can you please just quit it already?" Dipper tiredly interrupted her. "No matter how many empty lawsuit threats you make, it's not going to get any of us out of here."
"Us?" Pacifica scoffed. "There is no us . You dorks are on your own . Once we get to Washington, I'll just pay off the actual president to let me go scott-free. After all, if there's one thing every president cares about more than anything else, it's cold, hard cash ."
"Well, even if you do bail yourself out," Connie began, crossing her arms. "It's not going to change the fact that your entire family history is one giant lie."
"S-so?" Pacifica harshly asked. "You think I care about that? B-because I don't !" Wanting to get the scrutiny off of her, Pacifica turned her angry attention on Steven and Mabel instead. "Besides, we wouldn't even be in this mess if it wasn't for you two and your stupid candy wrappers and your freaky lion."
While Dipper and Connie were more than ready to leap to their defense, Steven simply let out a long, sad sigh instead. "You're right…" he flopped down to sit against Lion.
"Huh?" Dipper asked, sharing a concerned look with Connie. "No, she's not! Steven, Mabel, we would have never found the truth about who really founded Gravity Falls without you two!"
"Yeah," Connie soundly agreed. "You both figured out every clue we came across today, in ways that Dipper and I would have never even thought of! Buddy's book, the map, the graveyard, the cave… all of that was all you guys!"
"Nice try, you guys, but it's not helping," Mabel glumly sighed. "Pacifica, you had us pegged all along. We're just two silly failures, like that embarrassing president whats-his-name."
"Hmph," Pacifica crossed her arms, smirking. "It's about time somebody agrees with me."
Another argument was clearly on the verge of breaking out, not that Steven and Mabel paid much mind to it. Instead, they both absently broke a piece of peanut brittle off of the petrified president for a much-needed snack. Only for the rest of his longtime prison to begin splintering before it suddenly shattered completely, freeing the former president from his century-long stasis.
"It is I, Quentin Trembly!" he declared as he ripped his pants clean off without even flinching.
"Y-you're alive?!" Dipper asked, baffled. "But how?" Likewise, the other kids were stunned by such an incredible twist; even Pacifica couldn't hide her shock as it swiftly replaced any signs of her former anger.
"Peanut brittle really does have life-sustaining properties!" Mabel gasped. "You're not silly, you're brilliant!"
"And so are you, my dear girl, and you too, my young friend," Trembly offered Steven and Mabel a smile. "For following my clues and freeing me from my delicious tomb!"
"You also have Lion to thank, Mr. President," Steven nodded to the pink beast. "He's the one who led us to the cave where you were hidden."
"Ah, yes! Thank you, my good man!" Trembly held out a hand for Lion to shake. He made no move to return it, instead simply plopping down to resume his earlier nap, not that the former president seemed to mind. "Oh, he's so polite! How refreshing!"
"What the heck is wrong with this idiot?" Pacifica asked, put off.
"Either he's been frozen in that peanut brittle for too long," Connie began, frowning. "Or… he's just like this.
"By Jefferson!" Trembly exclaimed, glancing around. 'We seem to be trapped in some sort of crate-shaped box…"
"It's a crate, Mr. President," Mabel clarified, grinning.
"Good thing I have the President's Key, which can open any lock in America!" Trembly pulled the key out of his suit before slamming it into the side of the crate repeatedly.
"I… don't think that's going to work…" Dipper pointed out.
"Wood! My age-old enemy…" Trembly grumbled, putting the key away. "In order to get out of here, we'll need the silliest plan ever conceived."
"Well, there's definitely someone in here who can help you with that," Connie said with a knowing smirk.
"Really? Who?" Steven asked, oblivious.
"Hm…" Mabel mused, glancing around the crate. "How about… that hole!" She pointed out a tiny opening near the base of the crate.
"We shall leap through it!" Trembly zealously declared.
"Yeah!" Steven readily agreed. Without any hesitation, the trio leapt at the hole together, much to Dipper, Connie, and Pacifica's shared confusion.
"Ok, seriously," Pacifica huffed, thoroughly annoyed. "This has gotta be the dumbest day of my life, hands down."
"Guys, I don't think that's working," Connie said, frowning.
"Trust the silliness!" Mabel sternly asserted.
"We… can do it!" Steven cried, pushing hard against the hole.
"Fiddlesticks! Keep going!" Trembly urged as he led their ridiculous charge. At the same time, a woodpecker happened to fly into the cargo car through its open window, landing on the crate. It quickly noticed Mabel's finger as she wiggled it out of the hole, mistaking it for a worm as it rapidly, loudly began pecking on the crate.
"Is that my third wife?" Trembly paused at the familiar clamor. "Sandy?"
The woodpecker only had to beat on the box for a few seconds before its integrity wore out. Its walls abruptly collapsed, releasing its prisoners–kids, lions, and former presidents alike.
"Yes! We're free!" Steven cheered.
"Drat! We didn't fit through the hole!" Trembly scowled. "Let's rebuild the box and try again!"
"What? No!" Pacifica scoffed, leading the way to the door. "We have to get out of here, you old basketcase!"
"Also good!" Trembly concurred.
Fortunately, the door to the cargo train was unlocked. But as the door swung open, Durland just so happened to be passing by to get a bucket of ice. As soon as he spotted the escapees, however, he dropped it in shock and called for his partner. "Blubs!"
Not wanting to get captured again, the group quickly slammed the door in the deputy's face and ran in the opposite direction. They were left with no other option than to flee to the top of the train, though they didn't get very far before Blubs and Durland managed to catch up to them.
"T-there… is no… escape!" Blubs exclaimed, trying to catch his breath after such a hurried chase. "Oh… I gotta take a knee…"
"Are you okay?" Durland asked him, concerned. "Can I get you anything?"
"Edwin, darlin', you are a diamond in the rough," Blubbs warmly grinned at the deputy.
"Sheriff Blubs, do you really want to lock us all up in a government facility somewhere?" Dipper asked.
"I've got no choice!" Blubbs said. "Our orders come from the very top."
"B-but we won't tell anyone!" Connie protested. "We promise!"
"Oh, we know you won't," the sheriff shook his head. "Because where you kids are going, there won't be anyone to tell."
"Well, at least that's the bright side of all this…" Pacifica muttered, mostly to herself.
"Oh man, what do we do now?!" Steven asked, panicked.
"The only thing we can do," Trembly said, his tone deadly serious. "We must leap off this locomotive and hope that the wild ocelots will be there on the ground to catch us!"
Everyone paused for a beat to stare at the former president in light of such a downright odd suggestion. Lion soon cut in with a sudden, loud roar as he reared low in front of Steven once more. The others all gasped when the feline's eyes and mane both began to glow white, and they were even more taken aback when something began to slowly emerge from his forehead. The pink, thorn-printed hilt of… something .
Whatever that something was, Steven knew he had to take the opportunity Lion was giving him. He grabbed a hold of the hilt, though he struggled to pull anything out until Connie, Dipper, and Mabel joined him. Pacifica took a nervous step back while Trembly stood by, fascinated as the kids ultimately pulled a large, light pink blade out of Lion's head together.
"You have a sword in your head?!" Steven asked Lion, dumbfounded. "Why don't you tell me you can do these things you do?!"
"Ah, yes! Why didn't I think of this?" Trembly grinned excitedly. "After all, everyone knows that lions are the best place to store one's weapons!"
"...This has gotta be a dream," Pacifica shook her head, incredulous. "It's gotta be. There's no way any of this is actually happening, it's way too insane and weird and stupid -"
Her concerns were lost on the other kids as they continued clinging onto the sword. They realized they might just have the edge they needed, however, when they noticed the cops shrink away from their shared blade. "Um, stay back!" Dipper exclaimed as brazenly as he could. "We have a sword!"
"Oh no! Blubbs, what do we do?!" Durland cried, cowering behind his partner. "They have a sword!"
"I-I don't know!" Blubs shook his head, just as terrified. "We weren't briefed on what to do about kids with lethal weapons!"
"Uh, what are we going to do with this thing?!" Connie asked in a nervous whisper.
"I… have no idea," Steven frowned at the sword. "I don't really have any sort of plan, do you, Mabel?"
"I'm totally stumped," Mabel shrugged. "But I gotta say this sword is the prettiest one I've ever seen! I don't know if that helps, but I just thought I'd throw that out there."
"It really doesn't help," Dipper rolled his eyes. Even so, her pointless comment–or more specifically, the silliness of it–did happen to give him an idea. "Wait! Maybe we don't even need the sword. Quentin, did you ever sign an official resignation?" he asked the former president.
"No, sir. I ate a salamander and jumped out the window," Trembly proudly said.
"Then technically you're still legally President of the United States, right?" Dipper turned back to Blubs and Durland with a confident grin. "You've gotta answer to this guy now!"
"Huh?" the cops paused, sparing a surprised glance. Still, Trembly hardly needed any prompting to issue his latest presidential proclamation.
"As president of these several United States, I hereby order you to pretend that none of this ever happened!" he ordered. "And go on a delightful vacation." No sooner had he finished saying this than the train happened to pass under a metal rail. While everyone else ducked under it, Trembly was struck cleanly on the back of his head by it. "Ow! Mmm yes!"
"Vacation?" Blubs turned to Durland with a growing grin. "What place have you always wanted to visit?"
"Silly Water Fun Slides in Grand Lakes, Michigan!" they both proclaimed in happy unison. Fortunately for the kids, they didn't need any further convincing to abandon their mission and set off on their dream vacation.
Under the president's orders, of course.
After disembarking the Washington-bound train, Blubs and Durland were more than happy to board one headed for Michigan as Trembly and the kids waved them off from the station. Not wanting to worry about anything on their vacation, the cops had essentially cleared them all as free to go, regardless of any apparent matters of national security. Even if that matter was the long-missing eighth-and-a-half president of the United States.
"Well, my young friends, you've all done a great service to your country," Trembly smiled at the kids once the train had left. "And so I would like to thank each one of you, starting with you, Mabel. I hereby make you an official U.S congressman!" The former president pulled a top hat out of his overcoat and handed it over to her.
"I'm legalizing everything!" Mabel brightly declared. She fixed Pacifica with a broad, knowing smirk as she elbowed her. "You wouldn't call an official congressman 'silly', would you, Pacifica?" For her part, Pacifica only let out a sullen groan, far too exhausted by this whole ordeal to even dignify her with a response.
"And you, Steven, well I must say that we would have been remiss if not for you and your majestic pink feline! And so in light of that, I present you with this rare Medal of Honor!" Trembly gave him a large, stately medal, much to Steven's excitement.
"Whoa!" he stopped short, peeling back a bit of the medal's "gold". "Is this medal made of chocolate?"
"It certainly is!"
"No way!" Steven gladly took a bite. Curious, Lion leaned in to try to do the same, despite Steven's protests. "Wait, Lion, you can't have any! Chocolate is bad for you!"
"Constance," Trembly addressed Connie next. "I'd like to reward you with this."
Connie gasped as the former president handed her a weathered piece of parchment. "Wow! Is this a copy of the Declaration of Independence?"
"Even better! It's the original copy of the Declaration of Inde pants less!" Trembly proclaimed. "I penned it myself back in '39. It frees all citizens of America from the burden that is having to wear pants!"
"Oh… Um… thanks?" Connie said with a perplexed smile.
"And Roderick," Trembly turned to Dipper.
"Um, actually it's-" Dipper began to correct him. The former president interrupted him by kneeling down to his level and placing a hand on his shoulder.
"You, my dear boy, are on your way to unlocking the mysteries of this great land. So I present you with my President's Key!"
"Wow," Dipper took the key, genuinely impressed by such an incredible, potentially useful artifact. "Thanks!"
"Don't mention it!" Trembly rose to stand before finally looking to Pacifica. "And last but not least… hm… say, my dear, you bear a passing semblance to an old acquaintance of mine: Natty Northwest!"
"You mean Nathaniel Northwest?" Pacifica asked, surprised. "You knew my great-great grandfather?"
"Indeed!" Trembly nodded. "'Nonsense Natty', they used to call him. Claimed he was a powerful wizard whose powers allowed him to eat as much tree bark as he could stomach. I have to admit, his 'bark buffets' were quite impressive–and delicious!"
"Aw, come on, really ?" Pacifica face palmed. As if her already sinking opinion of her ancestor couldn't get any lower. "Not only was he a fraud, he was a freak too? Can today get any worse?"
She got her answer when a chunk of tree bark landed squarely in her hands, courtesy of the former president. "In memory of your esteemed great-great grandfather!" Trembly proudly proclaimed before taking a sharp, sizable bite of his own bark. "Enjoy it, my dear!"
"...I'll pass," Pacifica winced, tossing the bark over her shoulder. She shot Dipper and Connie a sharp glare when she heard them laughing at her expense, and indeed, they were practically hysterical over what the former president had just told them. Steven and Mabel, however, couldn't help but exchange a worried frown instead. Especially when they heard Pacifica let out a small, genuinely sorrowful sigh, when they saw her hang her head and tear her remorseful sights away from all of them.
When they realized that perhaps they weren't the only ones who were afraid of being looked down upon in shame after all.
"And then he chased me around and spanked me with a paddle for like, three hours," Trembly finished up his anecdote as the group made it back to Main Street. "Bottom line, George Washington was a jerk."
"Agreed!" Mabel soundly nodded.
At the same time, on the other side of the square, Amethyst had long-since broken out of the stocks. She'd taken to trying to find a discreet way of breaking Stan out without Garnet and Pearl noticing, not that her brute force methods were having much luck so far.
"Come on!" she growled as she hit the lock with a stone repeatedly. "This stupid thing won't budge!"
"Is this seriously the best plan you could come up with?" Stan criticized.
"Hey, I'm just trying not to get caught by the 'cops'," Amethyst sneered. "Just chill out. I'll get you out of here eventually." She stopped short, however, her rock halfway raised, when she happened to notice who was passing by. "Hey, is that ol' Trembly?" she asked, leaping off the stockade and running off to meet him.
"Amethyst?" Stan asked, confused. "Wait! Get back here and let me out!"
By now, Garnet and Pearl were making another round through the square themselves. They stopped dead in their tracks, however, the second they spotted none other than Quentin Trembly coming their way. "Ah! Well if it isn't my dear friends, the Crystal Gems!" the former president greeted them with a wide, cordial grin. "Fancy meeting you all here!"
Before Garnet or Pearl could even show their shock, Amethyst popped up between them, completely unbothered by just how utterly impossible this entire encounter was. "Yo, Q.T! What's up? Long time no see, huh?"
"Amethyst, what are you doing here?" Pearl asked, disgruntled. "You're supposed to be locked up in the stocks with Stan!"
"Hey, I told you guys that thing couldn't hold me."
"And as for you," Pearl turned to Trembly next, confounded. "How are you even still alive? You disappeared well over a hundred years ago! Human lifespans aren't that long… Are they?!"
"We solved this huge mystery and found him!" Steven told the Gems. "Yeah, it was pretty serious. You guys are impressed, aren't you?"
"We are," Garnet said, smiling. "I knew you four would figure out the truth about who really founded the town. Good job."
"But that still doesn't answer my question," Pearl frowned. "I hate to be this blunt, but Quentin, by all logic, you… shouldn't be around anymore… So how are you here now?"
"It was quite simple, my dear Pearl!" the former president explained. "I froze myself in solid peanut brittle, taking full advantage of its well-known life-sustaining properties!"
"Whoa, so the peanut brittle thing actually worked?" Amethyst asked, amazed.
"Rose always said it would," Garnet nodded knowingly.
As Quentin and the Gems continued catching up, Steven, Connie, and the twins shared a smile, happy to unexpectedly reunite old friends. Pacifica, on the other hand, was nowhere near as satisfied after everything she'd seen and heard today. "So let me guess," she crossed her arms, her sights set bitterly on the ground. "You four are gonna spill the beans about this whole coverup thing to the entire town, aren't you?" She sighed, shaking her head in defeat. "I guess ruining my family's reputation is about as good a way as any to get back at me for making fun of you, so fine. Go right ahead," she shrunk in on herself as she turned her back on the group. "See if I care," she muttered morosely, making it very clear just how much she actually did .
The other kids fell silent at this, looking to each other with newfound uncertainty. They'd come so far to find the answers they'd uncovered; to not reveal them after all of that would be unthinkable. To not share the truth with a town that deserved to know its real origins would be unfair. To not revel in their hard-won victory over the very girl who'd made them feel so small and insignificant would be a waste. And yet…
"Actually…" Mabel began. She frowned down at the coverup document in her hands, already on the verge of making a decision. But what happened next only served to solidify that decision even more.
"Pacifica Elise Northwest!"
Pacifica froze, tensing up in alarm as she spun around to find her parents hurrying her way. And from the looks on both of their faces, they were far from pleased. "Where in the world have you been all day?!" Preston scolded. "You're supposed to be here, representing your family before the unwashed masses, not wasting Pioneer Day gallivanting off to who knows where!"
"Uh, I-I was just-"
"And what on earth happened to you?!" Priscilla cut her off, scandalized. "You let your dress get soiled– ruined– as if you forgot how much it cost to import the incredibly rare fabrics it took to make it! And I don't even want to comment on the state of your hair." Pacifica cringed as she tried smoothing her locks, left wild and unruly from the chaotic events of the day. Not that it did much good in the eyes of her notoriously vain mother.
"The fact that you'd honestly stand out here in public looking like that is appalling," Preston staunchly agreed with his wife. "Much less among the likes of such… low class rabble," he eyed the other kids disparagingly, disapprovingly. "Come along so we can get you cleaned up before anyone starts spreading any sort of unsavory rumors. Or worse yet, before the press can snap a photo of you in such a sorry state."
Pacifica could only obediently nod, rubbing her arm as she began to follow her parents as they swiftly walked away. At least until Mabel grabbed her by the arm to stop her.
"Pacifica, wait." She took one last glance at the coverup document before, in one swift move, she tore the page clean in half.
"What?" Connie started, aghast.
"Mabel!" Dipper protested, just as shocked.
For her part, however, Mabel largely ignored them in favor of offering Pacifica a small, reassuring smile instead. "We won't tell anyone about your great-great grandpa. Your secret's safe with us."
"R-really?" Pacifica asked, bewildered. "But… I don't understand. Why wouldn't you?"
"'Cause we've got nothing to prove," Mabel shrugged, still smiling. "After everything that's happened today, I've learned that being silly is actually awesome !"
"Yeah!" Steven eagerly agreed. "Who needs Serious Steven when I can just be the Steven I was always meant to be: Silly Steven!"
"Besides," Mabel continued. "It seems like what people think about you and your family is really important to you, just like being silly is important to me and Steven. We didn't let you ruin that for us, so we're not gonna ruin that for you."
For a long moment, Pacifica was far too stunned to say a single word. Instead, she simply looked between the four of them, wide-eyed and wondrous, as if she was trying and failing to figure them out. In the end, all she really could do was shake her head, lost in the mystery that was, well, the "Mystery Kids". "I… I don't know what to say…"
"You could try with thanks," Steven suggested with a small, sincere laugh.
Pacifica hesitated, ultimately biting the word out as if she didn't want to say it. Which, by all accounts, she really didn't, but still. But still . "T-thanks…" she managed, softly and sincerely. And yet, as she turned to leave, she couldn't help but offer them all one final, almost astonished look all the same.
"Pacifica!" her father's sharp call swiftly snapped her out of it.
"Coming!" she returned. But not before that last look suddenly shifted into, of all things, a smile .
Steven and Mabel returned that smile as they watched her run off. Dipper and Connie, however, couldn't come close to sharing it. "Are you guys serious ?" Dipper asked, incredulous.
"Um… no?" Steven shrugged. "Isn't that kind of the whole point?"
"How could you just destroy the evidence of the coverup?" Connie elaborated with an indignant huff. "After how Pacifica treated you guys earlier, she deserved to be just as embarrassed as you both were. But you instead, you just let her off the hook? Why?"
"Because I'm not so sure she did deserve it," Mabel said, frowning. "She was mean to us, yeah, but… did you see how her parents were acting? It kinda explains where at least a little of that meanness was coming from."
"And besides, it's like we said," Steven added. "No matter what anyone says, we don't need to be ashamed of being silly; it's just who we are! And well, I think who we are is pretty great!"
Despite their misgivings, Dipper and Connie couldn't help but fold into a set of agreeing smiles at this. The sweetness of the moment was soon interrupted by Trembly as he bid the Gems a bizarre farewell (by 'hopscotching' away from them) to rejoin the kids instead. "Children, I am needed elsewhere," the former president informed. "But just know that I'll always be right here… on the negative twelve dollar bill." Trembly pulled out said dollar and handed it to Dipper.
"Whoa," he stared down at it, both impressed and underwhelmed all at once. "This is… worthless."
"It's less than worthless, my boy. Trembly away!" Without any further ado, the former president performed a magnificent leap and landed backwards on a nearby horse. The horse reared up on its hind legs before it ran off, galloping away with Trembly until they were both out of sight.
"Bye, Mr. President!" Steven called after him, waving.
"Where do you think he's going?" Mabel asked.
Dipper offered a guess that'd be all too in-character for the silliest president the states had ever seen. "I'm gonna say… off a cliff."
"And then Soos came by and talked to me for like an hour!" Stan recounted when the kids and the Gems came by to visit him in the stocks. "And Amethyst wasn't any help, what with her crazy 'escape plans'."
"Hey, I tried!" Amethyst argued. "And I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for you guys," she scowled at Garnet and Pearl.
"Well, clearly we learned that capital punishment doesn't do anything for you, Amethyst," Pearl crossed her arms. "But we wouldn't have to implement such measures if you would just behave !"
"Where's the fun in that?"
"Aw, poor Grunkle Stan! You've been through so much!" Mabel crooned, sympathetic.
"So, um, can we let him out now?" Dipper asked Garnet and Pearl.
"I don't see why not," Garnet shrugged, apathetic.
Fortunately, Dipper had just the tool on hand to do exactly that. He pulled out the President's Key, which somehow perfectly fit in the stockade's lock, true to Trembly's word. "What do you know? It actually worked!" he grinned, pleasantly surprised.
Stan, meanwhile, rubbed his sore wrists and stretched his back out as he finally stood out of the stocks, curiously eyeing his niece all the while. "So what's with the top hat?"
"I am a congressman!" Mabel proudly proclaimed.
"Pardon me?"
"You're officially pardoned."
"It's so great how nicely everything turned out in the end," Steven piped up, grinning. "You know, I think I feel a song coming on!"
"Yeah, Ste-man!" Amethyst cheered him on as he pulled his ukulele out and tuned it.
"Please, don't," Stan tiredly protested. In the end, however, nothing could stop the cheerful tune that inevitably ensued.
"Ohhhhhhh, that's the end of another day! It was mighty serious, I have to say," he sang excitedly. "Connie, Dipper, Mabel, and Steven too, we all looked really cool--when we found the eighth-and-a-half president of Americaaaaa!"
Steven ended with a bright flourish on his ukulele as he joined the others in a bout of warm laughter. "Nice song," Connie commented with a smile.
"Geez," Stan flatly looked between Steven and Mabel. "You two runts are never gonna make sense, are you?"
"No, we're not, Grunkle Stan," Mabel said, earnest. Likewise, Steven happily nodded his agreement, content for both of them to stay as silly as they pleased. "No we're not. Mabel away!"
Without any warning, Mabel jumped backwards as a callback to Trembly's earlier retreat. Steven didn't hesitate to join her, laughing all the while, even as they both landed with a resounding, clumsy crash. "We're fine!"