The call ended I failed…..I failed again
My body came to a halt, strength left my legs, I could feel the cold floor
"Ashw…."
"Ar….y...ok"
Fading muffled voices of my parents, the floor shook from impatient footsteps, my body feeling heavy, my escaping consciousness, for what reason was I trying so hard, it's not like this was the first time I failed, was I fighting a lost battle all this time, should I just give up, that doesn't sound bad, my mind feels light, I want to forget everything and rest now
—
Ashwin is lying on the floor, lifeless, his family is trying to wake him up but he isn't even making any sound or movement
"I think we should go back home," Dad said to Mom, she looked at Ashwin and his family with a complicated expression and nodded back to Dad
When we were leaving, Ashiwn's parents apologised to us
I don't understand what is happening anymore, first Ashwin was really scary then he looked to be in pain, he looked defeated when talking to his mother, and then...he collapsed just like that
Is this all happening because of me, am I the reason for that state of Ashwin, I…. really did something I shouldn't have done
After that I don't know how I got to my room, or what my parents were talking about, everything is fuzzy in my mind, before I knew it, I was sleeping on my bed
—
Who am I?
**Ashwin**
Where am I?
**I don't know**
What am I doing?
**I don't know**
What was I doing?
**Something Stupid**
Did I accomplish anything?
**No, you failed**
What should I do now?
**Give up**
How can I give up?
**Forget everything**
How can I forget everything?
**Die**
gasp
huff huff huff
My eyes snapped open from the burning sensation in my chest, I saw a familiar ceiling, I was inside my room, and from the lack of light outside the window it must be night, turning my head to the other side at the place of the clock, it's 3:00 am right now, what happened, why am I inside my room
My head hurts trying to remember what happened after Dad picked up the call
Cough Cough
My throat was completely dried, I tried to get up for water but my body fell back on the bed and the bed made a creaking sound in the silence of the night even that was ear piercing, I didn't have any strength left in my body
sigh "Fuck" It hurts, my throat is dry, and my chest is burning, my body is weak, my head is hurting, and nothing is going right, the way I want
I am a fucking failure, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't do anything and couldn't change anything
The pain in my chest got worse, grabbing it twisting it trying to lessen the pain, tears burst out from my eyes and choked me not allowing me to make any sound, I tried to breathe and failed even in that
What's the point of anything anymore
creak
The door opened and someone entered my room, hidden by the darkness of the night
"Ashwin are you awake?" Grandpa came forward out of the shadows
"Gran…dp..a" I tried answering his call
"Don't force yourself too much if you are not feeling okay" He sat beside me on the bed
Cough Cough
"Ah- you must be thirsty" He got up and searched around the room, and after finding a bottle of water he came back and helped me get up and drink the water
"Feeling better now"
I nodded at him "Yes, thank you Grandpa" It got much easier to speak now after quenching my thirst even my mind feels a lot clearer now
"Well this is the least I could do for you now" he is looking down "I am sorry,"
"What are you apologising for"
He looked at me "I… I think I should have tried to talk to you, but I didn't, from the moment I saw you collapsing like that this thought won't leave my mind I kept thinking if I could have done something for you then things wouldn't have gone like that, I could have helped you for the things that are troubling you, you are still young and could be really confused about a lot of things I might have been able to help you with that, but I didn't and today something like that happened" He pulled me in a hug "I am sorry Ashwin for not being there for you" why is he blaming himself I didn't wanted my family get involved for my own reasons, grandpa has no reason to feel guilty about that
"Grandfather, don't blame yourself you did nothing wrong, it's…" me and my fucked up life, but I couldn't bring those words out
"Ashwin?" sounding confused "It's?" he asked
"It's nothing grandfather, I am really tired right now so I will be going to sleep" I don't want to tell him about my loops, so I lay down back on the bed
"Ashwin" Grandfather pulled me back up I could feel his gaze on me through the darkness "Tell me whatever it is" his voice cracking in pain yet determined to do anything
I wanted to tell someone, tell him but would he believe me or would he think I was crazy I was scared to know the answer "It's nothing grandfather, I am yawn really tired I want to sleep" I tried to hide myself from him but he pulled me back again "Don't you trust in you grandpa, Ashwin"
"It's not I like that grandpa, it's just I am too tired to talk about anything….. and even if …. I tell you….. you won't believe me" I moved my gaze to the side not wanting to look him in the face, not being able to look him in the face
"I will believe you" his words halted my time, giving me a sense of relief, 'if…. if I tell him…. he might just believe me' that thought ringed in my mind
"Grandpa.." I built up the courage to tell him "Mom and Dad are ….. going to die on the flight tomorrow" and started telling my story to him