"Indeed good sir, it is I, in the flesh,"
He did a pose before continuing,
"Riki of the theater, I won't leave ya…"
He then went to pull out some substances from under the counter.
"Indica… or Sativa."
"Uhhh…"
I looked down at the blunts briefly examining their quality before looking back up.
"Riki, I have many questions."
"As many do, and I will be sure to answer them!" he said. "after I finish my daily quota that allows me to get off work early! So please pick... Indica or Sativa, this is the last 20 Jiples I have to sell ya."
He looked up at me.
"By the way, you can talk to me in your more natural dialect now since it's just you here, ja feel?"
"Oh aiight true dat," I said, easing up a bit, "what do you recommend? Give me your best stuff, I'm trying to get really high, man."
"You're trying to get really high, man?"
"Yeah man, I want to get really reallyyyyy high, so what's your best stuff? I'm just gonna ignore all that past bull shit man."
"Yeah man, for real. What's there to even be mad about?"
"Yeah so… you know your band of theater folks or whatever came and just captured the Princess earlier, right?"
"Oh yeah? That's rough, man."
"What, you didn't know? Aren't you their leader or something?"
He sighed.
"Nah man, I got couped."
"Oh… oh shit."
"Yeah… yeah man. It was pretty bad."
"Wait, but by definition, getting couped means…"
"Oh nah nah not actually like couped couped like Brutus on Julius Caeser couped. Nah, that's not what I meant. I mean like…wait, they showed you their plastic prop knife things right?"
The memory of being stabbed by the prop knife flashed back in my head.
"Oh yeah! That one didn't really hurt that much but like 50 at once? That'll knock me out at least."
"Yeah same! It's just like… that's a lot of plastic theater knives. I bet Caeser didn't have to even deal with that many."
"Yeah, tell me about it."
We shared a laugh as the smell of fresh Kush filled my nostril giving me a residue high already.
"Yeah hahaha well, at least someone can relate. That's really how they couped you? I guess Mack did say they already used the knives once."
"Yeah…" Riki sighed, "It happened like 2 days ago when you left the first Inn. The members of the theater were mad we didn't just capture the Princess together that very night. But I mean like… shit, I wanted to give you a chance at least. They all got mad when they found out you left and decided that very night to stab me with the theater knives I gave them. So sad, but I still had to work here at my new job the next day since they took all my food.
"Damn…" I said mostly ignoring him and staring at the blunts, "yeah, that's crazy man. By the way, you need the last 20 Jiples right?"
He looked left and right in the room to make sure no one else was there.
"Uhh yeah but…"
He leaned in to whisper to me.
"From one stoner to another. I'll tell you what Hu, I'll tell you what…"
He pulled from under the counter what looked like a special container as it was very colorful and looked expensive..
"Do you know what's in this container?"
"I assume some sort of high quality blunt?"
"Oh come now, surely you are more artistic than that, Hu. Of course it's a high quality blunt. But what would you say the name of such a blunt is called?"
"Uhhh… I don't know, OG Lemon Haze?"
"Bleh…" he said looking at me in disgust, "What are you, a parody artist? Think Hu think, original art What would you, Hu, the original artist of your own life, say the name of this blunt should be? Think deeply Hu… on all of your life's problems, as well as all of your life's solutions. What name, for this blunt, do you see?"
I gulped. To be honest I did already have a name for the name of what the specialty blunt might be. But I was not sure if such a name was ready to be unleashed onto this world just yet.
"Is it…"
"Yes," he replied. "It's exactly what you're thinking. On the count of 3 Hu, we're going to say the name of this blunt together, okay?"
I nodded.
"1, 2, 3,"
"Fujoshi Perception," we both said in unison, nodding our heads.
"Now, I know what your concerns are, Hu, but rest assured, this variety is popular with the LGBT community. They are an open minded bunch who welcome new ideas after all."
"No…" I replied, "At this moment, I actually care not at all about the politics of the situation. Not when something so important is at stake. Please, tell me Riki of the theater, are the effects of such a blunt, what I think they are?
He looked at me and nodded.
"They are…"
He took out the blunt holding it in front of me.
"It does exactly what you think it does."
He stared directly at me.
"You feel it don't you, right now?"
I nodded, "Yeah, it's the sound of…"
"A nose bleeding."
I nodded again.
"Riki, why are you staring at me like that…"
"Just hold character Hu," he said leaning in closer to me, "We're just acting. The scent of the bloody nose will be easier to trace if we act like this, darling. It's just biology afterall."
"... Okay okay! I'll take it! Just… it does what I think it does right?"
"Yes… exactly what you think, darling."
"..."
I took a deep breath trying to think of the most robotic way to say out loud what I thought the blunt did.
"What I meant to say is, you can confirm when I smoke this blunt it will allow me to have a bird's eye view of the Princess through access of her Fujoshi nose as that is when her link to mine is most connected because she's a pervert."
He nodded.
"That's exactly correct Hu. But we have to at least sort of act the part for it to work."
"Sigh…" I said, remembering all the perverts I had known in my life including myself to be perfectly honest.
"Very well, I must do what I must."
I pulled out exactly 20 Jiples and handed it to Riki. He smiled, putting it into the register.
"Alright," he replied, "that's enough capitalism for the day, please…"
He walked up to a distance uncomfortably close to me.
"It's time don't you think, for some personal fun?"
He did a flirting motion with his eyebrows.
"... alright can we like… can we at least smoke it first?"
"Yes, that's quite alright as well," he said, putting an arm around my shoulder and leading me to the smoking room.
"I'm just getting into character… with some foreplay."
"................ let's just get this over with."
When we arrived in the smoking room, Riki took out the blunt and a lighter.
"You want greens, handsome fellow?"
"Yeah sure, why not. Puff puff is good, right?"
"Anyway you want it good sir, anyway you want it."
"Alright, puff puff it is," I said, taking the first hit. Homoerotic nature of the scene aside, the quality of "Fujoshi Perception" Blunt did not disappoint. From the first puff I smoked, I could feel the quality of the Kush, the quality of the paper, and the quality of the full power coming from the blunt as I held its contents in my throat.
"Yes," Riki said, "Suck it. Suck it like you really want it."
"..."
"Sorry… as I said, it's necessary to activate its powers."
I sighed, passing the blunt back to Riki who took his own two hits. The nature of how he consumed the contents of the blunt… I'm not going to describe. It was uhh… normal, I guess. Just some dude I was sharing a blunt with.
"So…" I said grabbing the blunt back from him, "when is this thing's powers supposed to activate?"
"Another 2 hits should do it. Usually around 4 it begins to really activate, so go ahead, keep sucking on that thing, and sucking on it hard."
I sighed.
"The things I do to cure my boredom" I said under my breath before doing just that.
—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-5 miles away-
The blunt was beginning to take effect imitating the effects of a crystal ball a witch might have, I was able to see exactly what was going on with the Princess as she remained physically constrained by the people of the theater who were still just walking at, as predicted, a slower pace.
"Princess…" one of the masked figures constraining Riko said to her, "Why is your nose bleeding?"
"Huh, what?"
"And why are you grinning and drooling as if you just saw something perverted?"
"Oh, sorry sorry ahahahahaha," she began to giggle, "I can always sense when something BL related is happening, even from a distance."
"Oh, are you a woman of culture as well?" one of the masked people in the theater said to her, "which works are your favorite?"
"Why yes!" she squealed, happy to hear she wasn't alone in her degenerate hobby, "my favorite is uhhh… have you heard of it? It's the one with the two cowboys who go on a mountain."
"Ohhhhhhhh yeah girl, that one's my favorite too! It's so juicy!"
"I know right! Oh my god, the way the narrator describes his love that he just knows is taboo and will never be requited. Ahhhhh, so scandalous."
"I know! So hot."
They both squealed now as I felt the pain of the other masked person constraining the princess who was putting a palm on his mask.
"Urghh… I did not join the theater to partake in such lowbrow art. Aren't you a Princess? Is that really your hobby?'
"Hmmm… I would say…" she pondered this for a moment, "I would say about 35% of the stories I read are BL. That's less than the amount of BL books in the average library of women in this day and age though."
"What?! No it's not."
"Yes it is! You just think it's not because you have no interest in them but I did a careful study of the books in the palace library which were mostly bought by my mother and sister, and this is indeed the truth."
"... the world really has fallen into degeneracy."
"Oh just ignore him," the masked figure with a female voice said, "that's my husband, Vlad, by the way. He's very biased since when I get drunk, I start talking continuously about which of his friends I would most want to see him make out with."
"Oooooo, which one do you think it is?"
"Mmmm… I think it's Todd to be honest, I see them do their little routine, it's very cute, definitely ship."
"Oh, really? How do you feel about Todd, Vlad?"
"... I will not be commenting on your degenerate fantasies"
"Oh come on honey, it's not actually degenerate. You're really going to argue with the Princess of an entire kingdom? Honestly, I think it brings a level of culture in literature in this new age that is yet to be explored."
"Yeah! We're a tolerant nation!" the princess added, "I think BL and BL related content should honestly be more accessible to the general public so that the stories of those who do not have a voice are read around the kingdoms! That's how freedom rings!"
"Agreed!"
"... I think you 2 are just perverts. How can BL be good literature if most of the stories don't pass the Bechdel test?"
"..."
"..."
For those of you that don't know what that is, the Bechdel test, invented by Meihon writer Mary Bechdel, is a feminist theory that states that a story must feature 2 female characters without the presence of a man. The 2 characters must also be talking about something not related to a man. Mary Bechdel was later burned at the stake for being a witch by members of the patriarchy but nevertheless, the theory held a following after her death and many literature theorists honor it today. Naturally, most Bl stories don't pass this test as usually there are no important female leads at all in the story or else it would be categorized as a reverse Harem, rather than a true BL story.
"Ohhhh! Gotchu didn't I? See degenerates, I can't believe you girls would be so anti-feminist!"
"..."
"..."
"Say Princess,"
"Yeah?"
"Since my equally degenerate husband with his erotic novel habits insists that his degenerate male opinions hold any weight, how about we relegate him to the BL realm as we pass the test ourselves?"
She turned around looking at the crowd.
"Oh Todd, my husband here wants to make out with you."
"Wait, Vadimar, really?"
"No wait what!? Nadely wait, I didn't mean… hold on Todd no, wait Todd, she was joking, I don't actually…"
But before he could speak, a much larger, taller man went up and grabbed him by the arms.
"I've been waiting for this moment, for so long,"
"Wait no no! There's been a misunderstanding, wait!"
Todd continued restraining Vladimir as the Princess and Nadely began walking a good bit ahead so that it was only specifically those 2 in the scene.
"There, that took care of the problem! Now we can enjoy our cultural hobby in peace. What other BL books did you like by the way? I read them all, so I'll be able to follow."
The Princess smiled softly.
"Actually, despite the intrusion, I think he's right though, we should talk about something other than men, no?'
Nadely smiled back at her. "Yeah, I suppose that is true. The Bechdel test is an important literary milestone in history after all as it really helped counterbalance the historic patriarchal archetype of "the male gaze" narrative model when describing women rather than the more fair and balanced model where both the men and the woman can be the "subject," whose life and thoughts outside of men are analyzed.
"Agreed," the Princess said thinking about it, "the only problem is…"
"It's difficult right?" Nadely interrupted, "coming up with a version of your thoughts on things outside of the opinions of not just men, but society at large, right? After all, you're the only one that is truly always with "you" to understand your own thoughts. But I mean…"
She tilted her mask towards the Princess.
"Surely you have some hobbies to talk about though, no? Go ahead Princess, the least I can do is listen to what my fellow woman of culture is into."
"Hmmm…. Yeah I don't have many" the Princess replied, pondering, "there's makeup. But you can say that's to look nice for guys I like. There're books as you said that I do read, but to be honest I mostly read them to fantasize about guys. Sometimes I also fantasize about wearing the same cloth as the female leads in the story, but I can't help but think that's just to appease the male gaze as you said, so I never actually asked my parents to buy for me those outfits in the stories."
She looked at the ground sighing…
"Why don't you wear clothes just for yourself then?"
"Oh, I mean, I do, it's just I'm usually a practical person who prefers comfort over other things,"
"I see," Nadely replied, "So you only put on things to look nice when you want other people to see you?"
She nodded, "Yeah, which isn't often as it's such a hassle each time."
"I get you. That's why I stopped trying with my husband hahahahahaha, he just accepts it after a while and loves me the same."
About 10 meters behind her, I could see her husband fight to get unstrained from Todd's grasp and kisses.
"Hmm… okay, hobbies aside Princess, do you have a dream then?"
"A dream?"
She thought for a moment,
"Yeah! I want to see more of the outside world!"
"Oh… have you not traveled much before?"
"Sigh… I have," the Princess said, "But only under careful surveillance and under the watch of my parents and the royal servants. I mean like… truly out there, truly free. But…"
She sighed.
"That wasn't really possible given my circumstances of birth."
Nadely sighed looking at her sympathetically.
"I'm sorry, it's just how the world works, we all need to make a coin at the end of the day after all. That said…"
Nadely paused for a minute.
"That said?"
"That said…" she continued, "I still wish for you, like I, Princess, to follow your dreams fully no matter how difficult."
The Princess could feel the smile behind her mask.
"Afterall, it was always my dream to be part of the theater. It wasn't the journey I expected, but I still wouldn't trade it for all the world."
As she said that, it appeared Vladimir had broken free from Todd's grasps as he hurriedly caught up to the two women.
"Honey, what are you doing, restrain the princess."
"Of course I have the thing everyone needs in order to pursue his or her dream as well." she smiled as he approached.
"Love?"
"..."
"..."
Nadely just looked at the Princess bewildered.
"Wait, you're going to say love right? That's why you stared back at Vlad just now? The answer to it all, that's what keeps you going?"
Nadely blinked at her as Vladimir began walking alongside her now.
"Ummm…" she finally said, "Yeah love sure, that too. Yeah, of course that's important as well."
"Oh Nadely!" Vlad said going up to hug her, "You really do love…"
"Quiet, you're ruining my teachings!"
She quickly pulled on Vladimir's ears until he silenced. She turned back to the Princess.
"Love too, but the other important thing needed to get through the tough days of the pursuit of your dreams is..."
And as I had calculated a chapter ago, it was at this moment that the Princess realized both what Nadely was referring to as well as the one thing I knew she needed in order to survive and be happy on her own even without me there.
"Wait…" she said, reaching into her pocket. Where there just so happened to be one, finely wrapped, gold leaf, hybrid strand, kief laced, 3.5 gram golden blunt that I had slipped her, "You're talking about this, right?"