"Candy please, Hu!"
"Uhhh…"
It was around noon when I looked down at the Princess, who was holding in her hand a crown.
"Isn't that…"
"My father's?" She said with a gleeful smile.
Images of my beheading were already forming in my brain as I slowly pushed the crown away.
"I… can't accept that."
"What?!? Why not?" she asked.
"You want me dead by tomorrow Princess?"
"What? Nooooo…" She replied whistling innocently, "it'll be fine, father will just blame one of the jesters and ax him instead. What's the big deal?"
The big deal of course, was that the llama salesman I sell the crown to would probably get paid more selling me out to the king, then they would reselling it to another kingdom. That aside though, my bigger concern was that for someone who just turned 25, I would have thought perhaps by now, the princess would have grown out of her edgy sadistic teenage phase. But being stuck in a castle all day does tend to stunt growth in some areas. Especially…
"Hey! What are you staring at?!?!"
"Not much…"
She smacked me on the head with the crown.
"Next time will be twice as hard if you comment again, understand?!"
She puffed her chest out.
"I'm mathematically proportional!"
"Right, anyways, I'm not taking that Princess, what else you got?"
"Urgh, fine. I also have 4 sapphires from the chest room." She replied, taking them out from pocket.
"Holy… these are worth a month's salary too Princess, I can't accept…"
"Yes you can! Now where's my candy?"
"At least let me pay you half of what I'm going to…"
"Grr…" She glared at me angrily.
"Right…"
I took from my pocket instead what was known in this kingdom, the kingdom of Riguo, as "Kush". A mildly psychedelic substance that could be smoked or eaten. The princess always preferred the candies. I took 5 I had gotten from the llama dealers out of my pocket and gave them to her.
She took the 5 from my hand replacing them with the sapphires before popping one into her mouth. She then held one up close to me.
"Princess, I couldn't possibly…"
"Mm…" She pouted insistently, still sticking the candy near my face. I sighed. Being very cute really is the best form of persuasion. That said, of course I also understood it was always better to be high with someone else rather than alone, so I took the candy.
"You still should think about economics if you want to leave Riguo, you know? They use the Cive in many places."
"Just take me with you!"
I sighed.
"Princess…"
I could have figured as much. This was what it was really about. It wasn't the first time she had made the request. Let's go back to how this all started.
-6 months ago-
A young lady covered with a robe came running towards my trade wagon one day.
"Wait you're…"
"Let me hop on!"
I nearly fainted as the young Princess's face appeared from the hood of the robe. .
"I'll give you this!"
She pulled from her pocket an emerald.
"Wait no, I don't think…."
But before I could finish, she scurried into my wagon.
"Hey, you there!"
I turned to see some kingdom guards approaching me.
"You see Princess Riko around here?"
I thought about the emerald the Princess had offered.
"Nope! Definitely not."
"Okay, well if you see her here, we'll give you 200,000 Cive."
"200…." My mouth gaped open, that was worth about 3 emeralds.
"Oh uhhh… actually…"
But before I could claim my reward I suddenly remembered the other issue here. For you see, even back then I was carrying Kush with me for trade. And Kush in this kingdom as of now… was still outlawed. The punishment for possession of Kush in Riguo in fact, was 50 whippings.
"Actually?"
"Actually… I may have heard her run that way! Towards the general store!"
"Thanks Merchant, take this for your troubles,"
They handed me 1000 Cive. I nodded, counting it as they ran off.
"Well, that's food at least for the next couple days." I said to myself. "Now then…"
I went over to the wagon, opening the curtain.
"Okay Princess, the guards are gone you can… Princess? Oh no…."
When I opened the curtain, there the princess was, eating a chocolate Kush candy with 3 other wrappers next to her.
"Fuck…"
I stared at her as she continued to chew on the candy.
"These are pretty good! Where'd you get them?"
"Uhhh well…"
I tried my best to phrase my next words carefully thinking about the potential whippings.
"They're uhhh…. Magical! I got them from uhhhh… a witch?"
"What?!? No way, that stuff isn't real! What's next, you're going to tell me it's got magical properties that will make me see ghosts?"
"Uhhh well…"
-1 Hour later-
"Wait, what's this?"
"That's a compass."
"What does it do?"
"It tells direc…"
"Ohhhhhh wait wait what's this what's this?"
"That's a pocket watch it tells ti…"
"Ohhhhh I like this thing here as well. Look at all these colors. Woaaahhhhhh it's like a rainbow! Prettyyyyyy"
"Urgh…" I sighed. From my experience with others trying Kush for the first time there were always 2 outcomes. Some get quiet, looking introspectively at their life and feeling the vibe in silence. And others…
"Wait no, Hu, I just thought of something super interesting!"
"Which is?"
"What if we stacked all the cats in Riguo together but like, it somehow combined into a super cat! That'd be so cool! Oh my god! I'm going to ask the servants if I can do that later!"
"Uhhhh I mean…"
"Wait no, I have an even better idea! Why don't we take all the chocolate together, and combine it, and we can make a gigantic chocolate cake that we can dive in and then eat!"
"Um…"
"Zzzzz…"
"Huh?"
When I turned to her, however, I saw the princess's energy levels had depleted as she fell asleep in my wagon bed. I blushed looking at her sleeping calmly. Her face looked so pretty up close. How can someone who's the princess also be that attractive looking? Life is honestly so unfair!
I reached over to pull the blanket over her.
"Mmm…"
My face flushed red as she grabbed onto my arms.
"Prin…"
"Giant lollipop!"
She began licking my arm.
"What… the fuck…"
"Candy!"
"AHHHHHH"
I let out a shriek as she bit into my arm. As I pulled it away, her face fell onto the pillow beginning to drool.
"..."
If she wasn't so attractive this would have been a bigger deal to me, but I was too tired right now to care. So, I just sighed again, and got my spare blanket before lying down on the ground.
-The Next Day-
"Urgh… where am I?"
"Oh you're awake,"
I looked over at Princess Riko. I checked and sure enough, the Kush had worn off as her eyes were no longer red, returning to their natural onyx color.
"Huh? Who are you? You're not candy! What are you doing here?"
"... the name's Hu. I'm a merchant. And I should be asking you that. You're Princess Riko right? Is there a reason last night you were running from the guards?"
As I looked at her, a tinge of sadness showed on her face.
"Oh uhh…"
Tears began to form.
"If it's personal, that's okay, you don't have to…"
"They took away my favorite book!"
She began to sob uncontrollably.
"... what?"
"I can't believe they took it away! It was all I had! "The Vampire Chronicles". Have you read those?!?"
"..."
I hadn't, but I did know of the series as that was one of the top selling books I resold around the cities. Mostly to teenage and early 20s girls.
"No, but I'm surprised Princess, is it really that good?"
"Yes, oh my god, it's so fucking good! That chapter where Zayn and Gile fight over Veronica. So fucking good ahhhhh ahahahahaha"
She began to drool on my bed again.
"Okay, can you… I just cleaned… never mind"
I went over to grab some towels to wipe the saliva.
"I mean, I'm glad you like the book Princess, but is that really a reason to run away. Because can't you like…"
I was trying my best to not stereotype people who read alot. But certainly for an attractive princess…
"I can just go after real life men, right? Urghhh hell no,"
"... why?
"Do you have any idea what kind of men my parents bring me? It's always the same! Nobles, dukes, and counts of "i don't give a damn where". None of them even really like me! They like my face at best. Most don't even care about that though! It's all just a stupid bullshit politics prestige game, Hu. All of it!"
She sighed burying her head into my pillow.
"I hate it! I don't want my parents controlling my life. I just want to disappear back into my book."
I sighed, sitting down next to her.
"I'm sorry to hear that Princess, but even so, they're royalty, and you're their family so…"
I paused for a moment as the memories of my past began flooding back.
"So fucking what! I didn't pick them! What's so great about being a Princess, anyways! It's soooooo boring! All I do all day is sit in the most boring political meetings. I fall asleep half the time like, who the hell cares if we're losing land in Nofeti. We've got plenty!"
In reality, the loss of Nofeti due to it being the kingdom's main supplier of chickens, would cause many restaurants to go out of business. But that was just the nature of business I suppose, so of course I didn't say that outloud.
"No," I said instead, "You're right, your parents shouldn't dictate what you do with your life."
"Thank you! I'm glad someone understands!"
She sighed after saying that though, suddenly getting up.
"Alright, I'm going to head back now, here."
She handed me the emerald in her pocket.
"As I promised."
"Oh uhh… thanks, but didn't you just say…"
"You're here all the time, right?"
"After work hours, yes."
"I don't want to get you in trouble Hu. Father will imprison you for sure if he finds me here so, I'll be leaving now."
"Oh uhhh…" I said flustered, "That's, very considerate Princess."
"Those candies though Hu,"
"Huh…" I blinked trying to remember the last candy deal I made, "Oh you mean the uhh… witch's candy?"
She squinted her eyes at me.
"They're really from a witch?"
"Uhhh… yeah! Of course they are. Couldn't you tell from what it did to you yesterday?"
"Hmmm…" she squinted at me, "I don't know if I believe that but…"
Her face brightened up.
"That's fine! It's true because I want to believe it! And that's all that matters!"
I looked at her with concern as if that were always the case, everyone in the kingdom would be rich, goodlooking, and young. Still, of all the crazy theories people had in this world, witches were certainly not the furthest stretch of the imagination. In fact, a number of citizens have been arrested before in the kingdom for attempts of what the King called "witchcraft". But in reality, each report usually came from someone who had taken Kush or any of the assortment of other fun medical herbs the llama traders spread around the world of Kaijei.
"Is that how it works when you're a Princess?"
She quickly turned and gave me a death stare.
"Prin…
"Don't call me Princess, okay! The name's Riko, alright bye now! I'll be back later this week "
She quickly scurried off.
"No, I don't think you quite understand…"
I let out a deep sigh as the Princess disappeared from my talking range. There was no way in hell I was going to ever call her RIko. The King would have my head if there was any sign of that. Then again, the king was probably going to have my head if he even saw me with the princess… who just said she'd be back later this week,
I walked inside my wagon heading immediately for my cabinets where I took out a Kush cigar, known locally as a "blunt" and a pair of matches next to it. I was going to need to think this one through. Oh well, at the very least the princess seemed like a fun person to be around.
I took the blunt, lighting up one end before taking a hit. The events yesterday and today happened so fast, it felt surreal. I had lived in Riguo for 2 years at this point selling things at the street market daily. Every 6 months, I would take a 1 month trip to regather goods from across the kingdoms of Kaijei to sell back here in Riguo. And at that time, just about everyone I knew had seen the princess within the kingdom from various events the King held in the middle of town square. However, based on her public image at least, anyone who observed her would have thought her to be the meek type. She never really talked or contributed her opinions in the town meetings. A stark contrast to my first meeting with her just now
I took another hit.
"Guess she's just bored."