It hurts.
It hurts all over.
Why is it so dark in here? Where is she?
"So, you are my new host. Interesting."
Who?
"Here."
The area brightened, and right at the entrance of a rocky cave bathed in unholy blue flames, sat the demon cat, locked behind bars that prevents it from exiting the cave to eat her alive. Hanabi looked around her, and realised that she doesn't recognise this place at all. Right behind her is a tall and rocky cliff that extends all the way up into the darkness, a place where the light of the flames cannot reach. The same goes for anywhere about twenty meters away from her in a radius. Only a small area is lighted up by these eerie blue flames. There's nowhere else to go other than forward, and she sure as hell doesn't want to go even closer to the flaming cat of destruction.
"W-Why are you here?! Where am I?!"
"Why don't you ask the ice brat?"
"Haku? What's he got to do with this?!"
"Why don't you wake up and ask him? And you should be grateful for my help in keeping you alive. Seriously, the nerve of them to seal me into a dying host. But I have to admit that takes them some serious guts and skill to pull off. I haven't seen anyone doing something as ballsy as that before. Anyway, before we carry on. Your name, kitten. Tell me your name."
Hanabi's eyes narrowed. This must be a dream. A very bad dream. That's it.
"I know that look, nya. Yugito used to have the same look when she first met me, pity that she's gone now. I'm real, not a figment of your imagination. You are now my host. Don't you get it? You are now a jinchuriki, descendant of Hamura. We are talking in your mindscape."
"Y-You are lying!" Hanabi cannot help but shout back at the monster cat that is locked behind bars in a place that she doesn't even know where. Mindscape? What's that? Where is she even? And how is she a jinchuriki? She was-
Supposed to be dead.
How is she still alive? She remembered that Kumo guy with that ugly butcher knife that held some unknown grudge against her had shot her with some sort of laser-like jutsu.
"Have you finally calmed down? Have you finally regained your sense of logic? I don't want to make our relationship even harder than it is. I dislike conflicts. Tell me your name, and I will tell you mine. And then you can get out of here and ask your ice brat the questions I'm sure you are dying to know the answers to."
She doesn't really have much to lose now, does she? She's dead, right? There's no way she could be alive after taking a fatal jutsu like that. Is this hell? It would make sense, with the blue flames and all. Maybe this cat is just a weird sort of manifestation the keeper of hell chose to take, and it happens to look like that stupid two-tailed cat.
That has to be it, right? Yeah, that sounds like the most logical explanation. There's no way she could be alive.
"Hyuga Hanabi." She said fearlessly as her mind wandered back to Haku, her siblings, her father and uncle. Will they miss her? She really hopes that they wouldn't be too sad at her passing. Especially Haku. Hopefully he didn't go and do anything stupid now that she's gone. Neji-nii and nee-san should be able to talk him out of the depression she has no doubt he is experiencing. If not, there's always Naruto, and she is the most optimistic and stubbornly loyal person she ever had the chance to know. If anyone can get Haku out of his funk, it's her. Hanabi doesn't want to see Haku here in hell, at least not in a long, long time. He needs to live till the ripe old age of 80 at the very least before she allows him to come here to join her. She will kick him back to the mortal plane if she ever spots him coming here before he reaches the age of 80.
"Matatabi. My name is Matatabi." The cat replied after a few seconds of silence. "Know this, Hanabi-chan. I may acknowledge you by your name, and I may give you permission to address me by my name, but that does not mean I acknowledge you as my host. If you want to use my power, prove to me that you are capable of using it. I will let you use a small fraction of my power however and whenever you want to. But if you want more, then it will depend on my mood and whims."
"I have no idea what you are talking about, and honestly, I don't care. Just let me out of here already." Hanabi said crossly with her arms on her hips. What's with this place anyway?
"Fine. But remember, if you want to use my full power, prove to me that you are a worthy host. One that I can fight alongside with as my equal and one that I can trust without question. Until then, Hanabi-chan. We will meet again."
And the world of fire faded.
"-nabi! Hanabi! Can you hear me? Hanabi!"
She groaned as she tried to open her eyes and clear the foggy vision. What is it now? Why is she still able to hear her twin's voice? Is this some sort of joke? The damn cat thinks it is so funny, huh? Is this some sort of genjutsu?
'I can sense your negativity to me as clear as day. I take offence to that, kitten. You are very much alive, that I assure you. It's not like you can die without my permission now that I'm sealed in you. Now wake up and accept your reality.'
Damn it. The stupid cat is still around in her head. Definitely genjutsu.
'I felt that.'
Nee-san?
Her brain halted when her vision finally cleared and spotted the face of her twin.
"Hanabi? Can you hear me?"
"Y-Ye-" She coughed, and it was then she realised her throat is dry. Too parched for it to be normal, like she hadn't drunk any water in days.
"Here."
A cup of water was held in front of her mouth. Instinctively, she sat up and opened her mouth to drink it, and quickly gulped it down her throat to quench her thirst.
"N-Nee-san? What- Where- Are you dead as well?" She started to rant as she moved her limbs, her body surprisingly painless, nimble, and more rejuvenated than what she could remember. Since when did her body feel so… vitalised? "Because if so, I'm so kicking you back into the world of the living. I swear, if you are here in hell with me-"
Her words were cut off prematurely when Hinata caught her in a hug. Her brain halted once more for the n-th time today. Too many confusing things had happened in this short span of time for her brain to figure out just what is going on.
"Nee-san?"
Hinata's grip on her tightened, and she started to panic at this uncharacteristic behaviour of her sister.
"N-Nee-san! What's-"
"Don't." Hinata choked out as Hanabi felt her shoulders stained wet with tears. "Don't do that again. You nearly died, Hanabi. If you died, I-"
Hanabi slowly wrapped her arms around Hinata and patted her comfortingly on the back.
"I-I don't know what happened, but ok. I… I won't do that again. I promise."
Whatever that is. She still has no idea what is going on, but she does know that she has to calm her sister down.
"Don't do that again, please."
"I won't. I promise, nee-san."
They remained in that position, with their heads resting on each other's shoulders. Hanabi used this opportunity to survey her surroundings. Why is she in a hospital? Is this her version of hell? A hospital? Really?
Damn it, cat. At least choose a place that has some sort of entertainment as her hell.
'I told you, you are very much alive, dumb human. Why don't you just get it already?'
She stilled.
What if… everything the cat told her was true? That she's still alive, that she's now a jinchuriki…
But… how?
"Hanabi? Are you alright?" Hinata finally released her when she sensed her twin's unnatural halt in movement. "Do you feel any discomfort? I can call the-"
"Nee-san." She cut her twin off. Whatever this place is, be it hell, the world of living, or some messed up genjutsu, she needs to know just what had happened after her memories went fuzzy. Assuming that she is somehow still alive, then Haku got some serious explaining to do. If anyone is crazy and motivated enough to bring her back from the dead, it will be him.
"What. Happened."
He can still remember the day he first met the boy who he will soon grow to love like his own son. He first saw him in the hospital when he first arrived.
He can still remember the first real conversation they had in his house. It was when he first come over for the study session he and Kushina helped Naruto to organise. It was to help their daughter to bond with her friends. The conversation was about seals.
"That's a seal that regulates the temperature of the surrounding area. Interesting, isn't it?"
"How does it even work? Seals are basically just ink and paper, right? How can something like that do things from regulating temperature to sealing objects in a scroll?"
He remembered how excited he was to introduce the world of seals to the boy. He remembered the boy being equally curious and excited to learn about seals as well.
He heard her walking towards him from behind.
"Minato."
"I failed, Kushina. Some Hokage I am."
The shrill whirr of rotating wind screeched as Minato held the Rasenshuriken up in the air. The jutsu that he only managed to perfect and complete thanks to his son. The son which is not related to him by blood, but is still his son in every sense of the word.
The boy who is too kind to be a shinobi, even if he is a natural at it. The boy who had immediately recognised what it means when his godfather is now the Hokage, and thus don't want to make his life difficult for him by forcing him to make the correct decision for the sake of the village. Because his godfather is the Hokage and the village needs their Hokage. His son is just a kind boy who did not want to put his useless godfather in a difficult spot.
He should have just gone straight to the point with Haku. His son had always like to do things in a straightforward manner, he knew it. He should have told his son right away that Kizashi had pardoned him. There was a reason why Kizashi purposely used his last breath to pardon Haku, because Kizashi had predicted that something like this will happen. Maybe it was out of guilt, but Kizashi wanted to help Haku and mitigate the damage as much as possible before he went into an eternal slumber. Kizashi's words still hold more power over his right now, because Kizashi had been the Hokage for more than a decade while he is only Hokage for a few days.
Kizashi's pardon was what is needed to get Haku out of this bind. It was Kizashi's final gift to him, because he knows how important Haku is to him. If even Kizashi had decided to pardon him, if Haku had known this, he would not need to needlessly worry about his useless godfather, about his godfather's new status as Hokage. Haku would not need to worry how his actions regarding the Nibi incident would have adverse impacts on his godfather, and wrongly felt that he is the source of all his difficulties because of it. He is just too smart. Everyone always underestimate just how smart and insightful his son can be. Sometimes his son is too smart for his own good, and that's why he tends to worry about the most needless of things. He thinks about everyone else he cares about but never for himself. And when he finally decides to think for himself, all he wants is the fastest and most painless way to get out of this cursed system of shinobi.
"Why? You already took away my physical freedom, the freedom on how I want to live my life. Why did you take away my only freedom left? My freedom on how I want to choose to end my life? What else do you guys want from me? What ELSE do you want me to give to this village?"
People called him the Yellow Flash, and yet he wasn't fast enough to stop his son. He had thought that he would have really lost his son. He can still remember both the shock and relief when that seal actually worked. The seal that he and Kushina had secretly applied on him when they first met him in the hospital so many years ago. It was so long ago that everyone had actually forgotten that such a seal was still on him. The seal that secretly took away his freedom. That seal was secretly applied on him on that day right after Kizashi had made him stay in Konoha. Haku had succumbed to exhaustion and went back to sleep again. Everyone else had left the room except for the adults. It was this lucky and twisted coincidence that saved him from losing his son.
"You sure about this, Kizashi?"
"It's obvious that he has severe suicidal tendencies. I think it is necessary. Don't worry, this is just a short-term measure. We can always take it off when he gets better."
He never got better, so they never took it off. Eventually, time passed. This particular memory faded from everyone's minds, so everyone had forgot that such a seal is still there, on his son.
Haku's right. What more can they take away from him? Haku didn't even have the freedom to choose how he wanted to die like Kizashi did, even if Minato is glad that his son is still alive, even if it is just in the physical sense.
Everyone knew that even with Kizashi's pardon, Haku would not realistically get away scot free. At least not totally, because he violated one of the most fundamental laws in their village that was institutionalised since its founding. Haku will still need to be punished, but at least Kizashi's pardon will let him escape the death sentence and get a much lighter one instead. Still, Minato had planned everything out. It was the perfect arrangement, to get Haku out with the least complications. An arrangement he is sure that everyone will be satisfied. Haku would get nothing more than a slap on the wrist. Nobody else had said otherwise when he proposed it, not even Tsunade after much persuasion on his part because everyone can see that it will work. It is the best arrangement for everyone involved. But things need to be accounted for and explained, and everyone who don't know him well just wants to know why he did that, and they all agreed that Haku deserves a fair chance to at least explain himself, so they called him in. They just weren't expecting him to have such a huge reaction to Tsunade's and Fugaku's words.
He shouldn't have let Tsunade in on that meeting or even anywhere near his son at all. She obviously had no favourable impression of Haku. Everyone else was busy trying to keep the village together right after his best friend died. They were all so busy that no one even knew that Haku was locked away by Tsunade in a cold dark cell deep underground ever since the end of the invasion. All because she was furious with him and did not trust him enough to not "do anything funny". She never informed anyone else about this, only telling them that he is still alive. They themselves thought that Haku had went back home after the invasion ended. Everyone had just assumed, no one had checked. They were too busy to, including Hiashi, who never even had the chance to went back to the compound to personally check on his children. It was a severe case of a series of wrong assumptions and miscommunication.
It was when they finally had the time to review the Nibi situation one day later and he sent Kakashi to retrieve Haku did he learn that his son was trapped underground all along. That was one reason why everything blew up in everyone's faces in his office. That was his first mistake. He should have kept tabs on his son's whereabouts. That place is where they kept their worst criminals if they ever need it. It's not comfortable nor is it kind. God knows what happened to Haku's already fragile psyche when he was trapped in such a horrid place for so long, right after something that traumatic had happened to him no less. The person that he cared for the most had almost died right in front of him. Of course he would be traumatised. Anyone will be.
If it wasn't for his respect for the Slug Sannin and out of respect for Jiraiya-sensei, he would have Rasenshuriken'ed her all the way to Iwa by now.
His son is just a kind boy who had been hurt too many times to count and had got scared of getting hurt, because every single time he got hurt it had become too painful, too much for him to handle. He is scarred. Like the countless cuts that littered his arms he had gotten when he risked his life to save Hanabi so many years back, it cannot be erased. Haku's pain had never been erased, merely forgotten and buried. But it is there, a dull ache that constantly hurts him. He had always been hurting, he just learnt to cope with it by hiding it. He hid it too well, that nobody had noticed it.
As his godfather, how could he not have realised that?
Some father he is. Some Hokage he is.
He threw the Rasenshuriken with a vengeance, and it gave him no satisfaction at all when it obliterated a huge section of the Hokage's private training ground. It made him feel emptier than it already is.
Some Hokage he is.
"Leaf cutting exercise?"
"Yeah, I perfected it. Surprised?"
"Now, now, my dear Haku. I am the legendary Yellow Flash. I know my stuffs. Mastering the Wind Release takes decades to perfect. You need to try harder if you want to-"
ZIP
He remembered that his son split the leaf into two neat pieces. He remembered that his own eyes nearly popped out in disbelief when he first saw it.
"You need to try harder if you want to live in denial, shishou. Right now, I have greater expertise than you in using the Wind Release. Admit it. The great Yellow Flash just got himself beaten by a genin a few months into his shinobi career."
"… You win this round."
He can still remember the smug look Haku wore on his face for the entire day, just because he managed to one-up the legendary Yellow Flash. Even then, Minato was genuinely happy. The child which he views as his son was healing. His son had chosen to trust him, to listen to his advice that trust is a two-way street and tried once more to open his heart up to be able to trust again. He was starting to find a purpose to live for again. He found it. He wanted to try his best to protect everyone he cares about, so he worked hard on improving himself, to be as strong as possible so that he can protect his precious people and his dream. He wanted to make everyone proud of him during the Chunin Exams, especially his parents. For him, Kushina, and Hiashi.
And it really is a respectable dream. Everyone was proud of him when he defeated Gaara without suffering a single scratch on his person. His performance was spectacular.
But Haku opening his heart up to trust left him so much more susceptible to hurt. Minato didn't know how he missed the other side of what he preached, that because trust is a two-way street, once that trust is broken the pain that Haku felt had been magnified when he received it, because there were no defences to protect his already fragile heart. And the pain had hurt Haku badly, so badly that he had given up trying altogether.
He formed another Rasenshuriken in his hand, letting it continue to screech and grow.
It was because of Haku's finding, that jutsus and chakra can also be used in the mindscape instead of using the time in there to simply brainstorm for ideas, that he managed to complete the Rasenshuriken. It was because of this that he easily came out on top in his recent battle against Ay, allowing him to come back alive and unscathed. To come back victorious. It was how he managed to cut off one of Ay's left arm and drive the Raikage out of Konoha.
People sang praises of his achievements, but none of them knew that his son was the reason why he could even manage it.
"How is he?" He asked his wife, not exactly sure that he wants to hear the truth.
"Physically? Fine. Tsunade took a look at him, as best as she could anyway, considering the situation. Mentally? I'm starting to think that he cannot continue to be a shinobi anymore. Even Inoichi agrees with me. Not after how he regressed. He's not responding to anything or anyone and is constantly releasing a chill so cold that it forced us all away. Everything around him is either covered in snow or ice. No one could get near him no matter how we tried. We think that he had somehow forced himself into a semi-hibernate state with his Ice Release to escape reality. Inoichi speculates that he just wants to numb himself in the cold and sleep everything off until he dies. He's just not responding to any outside stimulus. At this rate he's going to die a slow death from either starvation or dehydration, Minato. I don't think he had even eaten or drank anything since the invasion."
So Haku is trying to find another way to die that is not suicide? Trying to bypass the rules set by that seal? To test the limits on what the seal considered as suicide?
Why must he be so smart? That seal definitely didn't consider starvation and dehydration as suicide.
"He's never suited for the life of a shinobi. I should have realised it. I should have stopped Kizashi when Haku first arrived here, but I went ahead with his decision. Kizashi made me his advisor so that I can stop him if he ever went overboard. I failed. I failed both him and Haku. Sandaime-sama was right to choose Kizashi as Hokage over me. I'm not fit to be Hokage."
"Minato." Kushina said in equal amount of concern and sternness as she held onto his arm. "You cannot afford to be doubting yourself now. Kizashi left the village in your care. Everyone looks up to you now. You cannot be doubting yourself, especially now."
"HOW CAN I NOT DOUBT MYSELF?!"
Minato roared out as he threw another two Rasenshurikens and the earth cracked beneath his feet, responding to the power he wields over nature thanks to Sage Mode. The other end of the training field exploded once more when his Rasenshurikens imploded.
"HE TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE, KUSHINA! IN FRONT OF ME AND HIASHI! BECAUSE HE GENUINELY THOUGHT THAT HE HAD NO WAY OUT AND HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO PERSONALLY GIVE THE ORDER FOR HIS DEATH SENTENCE, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO PUT ME IN A DIFFICULT SPOT! BECAUSE I AM NOW THE HOKAGE! I SHOULD HAVE BEEN STRAIGHTFORWARD WITH HIM! I KNEW HE ALWAYS LIKE THINGS TO BE STRAIGHTFORWARD! HOW CAN I NOT DOUBT MYSELF WHEN I TOOK THE WRONG DECISION THAT NEARLY ENDED MY SON?!"
He panted as he tried to catch his breath, slowly deactivating his Sage Mode lest it consumes him from his rage.
"How can I not doubt myself after that? When I cannot even prove that I can make the correct decision when it comes to my son? How am I supposed to lead an entire village then? The village that my best friend had left me to protect in his stead now that he's gone?"
"Nobody knows whether they took the correct action in the now, that is something that we can only find out later." Kushina said as she hugged her husband from behind, trying to ease the pain he feels. "He's safe. He's fine. Our son is fine."
"He's not fine."
"Mina-"
"He's not fine, Kushina, let's not kid ourselves. You didn't hear what he said before he truly gave up on life. He asked what more is the village expecting from him, when he has nothing left to give. He's tired, he's so tired of living and continuously giving more and more and trying to trust again, only to have his trust broken again and again and I don't know what to do to help him. He feels that he is at a dead end. People call me a genius, a prodigy, and yet I have no clue on what I can do to help Haku. He's only thirteen. Kizashi, Mikoto, and I helped run this village together in our own ways so that children will not need to experience anymore wars, so that they can grow up happy, so that each of our visions of peace can come true. The expression on Haku's face shouldn't be there. It shouldn't be on anyone's faces at all. And definitely not one a child like him should be wearing. We failed."
Kushina can only tighten her hold on him.
"Do you know what he said next? That was the real kicker, Kushina. He told me that my version of peace can never be attained, not when shinobis exist. He told me that the existence of shinobis is the biggest obstacle to my dream of peace. He is certain that my version of peace is not possible as long as shinobis exist. You know what's even better? He fucking proved it. To everyone. In that small little room known as the Hokage's office, where we S Rank shinobis were listening to his side of the story, not counting my ANBU guards who were somehow all knocked out without us realising when or how, he proved that my version of peace, the one I had dreamt about since young, that establishing understanding between people is impossible. He made Tsunade see his point. Tsunade, Kushina. The slug princess with a stubborn streak so strong that not even the combined might of Jiraiya-sensei, Orochimaru, and the Sandaime can steer her back once she had an idea implanted in her head, and he made her see his point. He created a jutsu that even I didn't know about or could ever imagine its concept, a jutsu that could have assassinated all of us S Rank shinobis in the room without us knowing how or why if Fugaku didn't have the sharingan. Taking down Gaara, holding his own against Ay, repelling an army by himself using his snow, facing down Yugito, extracting and resealing a Tailed Beast, capable of assassinating more than half of our village's S Rank shinobis at once without a trace, debunked my vision of peace within minutes. Heh, I don't even know if I should be proud of him or be mad at him at this point. I don't even know what to believe in anymore, now that my dream of peace had gone up in flames. I don't even know what I am feeling right now."
The two of them stayed like that in this manner for a few more minutes before Minato spoke up again, breaking the silence.
"What do you think I should do now?"
"What you think is best." She said with certainty. "You can make the right decisions, Minato. It's obvious that Haku sincerely believes that you can be a great Hokage. He believes in you. Haku just views the world differently from you and me. He views this world very differently from everyone else. I think that right now, what he needs is space. He needs time to heal by himself. He still cares for us, in his own way. He just decided to give up because what happened to Hanabi had scare him so badly, and it had indeed hurt him too badly. He doesn't want to get hurt anymore. He's too afraid of getting hurt again so his first instinct is to prevent himself from feeling that same hurt all over again. Unfortunately, the method he chose this time was to escape instead of trying to confront it like what he usually did. That's why he had gave up and tried to end it his own way without making things difficult for you. If he knew that Kizashi had pardoned him, then things might end differently, but you still couldn't have predicted Haku's reactions. Your council wanted to know the reasons behind why Haku disobeyed all orders, and you indulged them as Hokage because it was the right and logical thing to do. There are things to be accounted for. It was the best course of action you could take for all parties involved."
"Worst course of action I could take."
"None of this now, Minato. Haku needs us now more than ever, he doesn't need your negativity when he already has enough to fill the entire village with it."
"If it wasn't for that seal, we would have lost him. I would have lost us a son. I would have lost Hiashi a son. Hanabi would have woken up only to find that the boy she had loved since young had died instead of her. Hinata and Neji would have returned home only to find that their oldest brother is gone. Naruto would have lost her only brother. Team 13 would have lost a member for no reason and Obito would have lost a student. All because of me. Hokage."
"Minato, please."
"Remember the seal we placed on him when he was five? When he first arrived in the hospital? The stupid seal that we placed to monitor him? Haku's right. What else can we take away from him? We had taken away his freedom to even end his own life without him knowing about it. The anti-suicide seal. If it wasn't for this seal, the seal we used on our prisoners in T&I so that they cannot hide their information through death, the seal that all of us had actually forgot that we had placed on him when we first met him, we would have lost him. He doesn't even have the free will on whether he can choose how he want to end his life, so he is testing the limits of the seal by trying to starve himself to death, to see if the seal considers this scenario as suicide. It's like he is trying to spite us for hurting him so much. If this isn't such a morbid scenario, I would be impressed by his ability to find and exploit loopholes in seals. We taught him too damn well."
"It was for his own good back then. He wasn't in the best state of mind when he first arrived, you know that. Everyone can see that, that he was suicidal. It was why we decided that such a seal was necessary, in case he really tried something like this. We had his best interests in mind."
"Do we really? Did we ever asked him what he wanted?"
"Go and see Haku, Minato. You are the only one right now with the ability to brave the cold and reach out to him. He needs us now, more than ever. He still thinks he is an outsider."
"I don't think he would want to see me now. If I were him, I wouldn't want to see me now. We had taken too much from him. Konoha had taken too much from him. He's right. Ironically, we shinobis who have been trying to reach for peace are the greatest obstacles in achieving our dream of peace. He's right. This world is flawed. It is wrong. It took five generations of Hokages to realise what a child could in thirteen years. Hokages. Fire Shadows. Protectors of the village. We don't deserve this title. We are no better than a child."
Just at this moment, an ANBU flickered into the training ground.
"What is it, Bear?"
"Hokage-sama. Hyuga Hanabi had woken up, but is extremely distressed upon learning about Yuki Haku's situation. It is taking everything Hiashi-sama have to restrain her."
"Thank you, Bear. We will be there shortly. You are dismissed."
"What are you going to tell Hanabi?" Kushina asked the moment Bear excused himself.
"Everything. She deserves to know, and she may be the only one that Haku will listen to right now. He will want to know that she had woken up and she is safe." Minato slowly pried off Kushina's arms around him before turning around to face her.
"Thank you, Kushina, for everything."
"Well, someone has to kick your sorry ass back into gear, right?" She said with her hands on her hips.
Minato only let out a brief chuckle as he held out a hand for her to grab on to, which she did.
A flash of yellow later, only the sight of the wrecked training ground remained.
That.
IDIOT!
IDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOTIDIOT
ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!
Oh, don't get her wrong, it's nice to be alive and not dead. Oh, don't get her wrong, she knows it absolutely sucks to be a jinchuriki and Kushina had more than explained to her what it means to be one. Oh, don't get her wrong, she knows that she being alive is nothing short of a miracle that was only possible because of Haku, and knowing that worrywart that had always been too damn smart for his own good, he probably thought that she will hate him for eternity by putting her in this irreversible situation.
That idiot.
But the one thing that she is definitely not wrong, is that it is utterly stupid to try and attempt a magical escape by SUICIDE.
Oh, she is so going to have words with him.
And with a certain Slug Sannin too, but that comes later. That old hag is a medic. It doesn't take a medical genius to know that imprisoning a mentally unstable person in a cold dark cell all alone by himself after experiencing a serious case of mental trauma is a recipe for disaster. Even someone as dense as Kiba knows that. Oh, she will have fun tearing the Slug Sannin a new one. The best medic nin in the Elemental Nations? Yeah, right.
But dealing with the old hag comes very much later. Right now, Haku needs her.
And so, kicking off the sheets of her hospital bed, plugging out all the IVs stabbed into her body, slipping on a random pair of mismatch slippers she sees lying on the floor, no one, not her father, her uncle, her twin, her cousin, her sensei, or even her Hokage dared to stop her when she literally ignored everyone and everything else as she fumed in anger and stormed off still dressed in that ugly hospital gown. She is now marching over to where Kushina and her new Hokage said he is at. Everyone avoided her like the plague as she made her way there. People are giving her looks, she can tell that much since she has the byakugan and it allows her to see everything. She can see the looks they are giving her when they thought she cannot see them. She can hear the whispers that they thought she could not overhear. The cat. The freak. The monster.
Is this what Haku really felt when he first came here? Like an outsider in his own home?
She was too young to understand back then, but she understands now. A little. She now understands a little of what he felt when he first came here, when he was forced to stay here all because of her.
He definitely felt like an outsider and this feeling really sucks.
She should have taken better care of him.
These people also better know how to hold their tongue, or she will show them what a monster really is. Honestly, they can flop over and die right now and she won't care. She has a way bigger fish to fry here.
She was told that he had fled and voluntarily isolated himself in a secured cell down below underground right under the Hokage Tower, a place where nobody can hurt him and he cannot hurt them as long as they don't come and find him. He probably didn't want to hurt anybody else with his power. From what she knew from her dear Hokage, the entire underground of the Hokage Tower is now a frozen wasteland. Knowing that stupid idiot she loves so much, Haku probably lost control of his powers the moment he lost control of his emotions. It happened once against Orochimaru when he lost his temper when she was threatened. She is sure that Haku doesn't even realised it himself, that his powers grow stronger with the outburst of his emotions. He probably found comfort in the cold and that's what he did, unconsciously making everything around him cold to numb his pain, with the added benefit of forcing everyone to give him his much-needed personal space since no one can fight against his cold. Even Obito-sensei who had just returned from outside the village didn't managed to even go near Haku, and he is one of the best Fire jutsu specialists in Konoha. No one can get near Haku, other than the now guilt-ridden Hokage with his fancy seals but who is also now too afraid of getting close to Haku for fear of hurting him further.
So, that leaves only her. She is the only one left that can knock some much-needed sense into that stupid idiot and make him eat something before he really starves himself to death. The cold won't hurt her. She is more than just fire. Haku had made sure of that. He made her strong enough to be his equal and more, giving her the power to stop him if he ever went down the wrong path.
And this is what she is going to do. She is going to get her Haku back.
There's only one type of fire she knows of that even his ice will have problems dealing with. She had saw it before and it is now hers to wield.
'Matatabi? You there?'
'You really know how to pick a time to call for me, Hanabi-chan. I was taking a nap. What is it?'
'Lend me some fire, please.'
'Seriously? That's what you wake me up for? If a small fire is all you need then I had already told you, something that menial is yours to freely use. I'm not as stingy as some of my siblings. I'm totally fine with sharing a small portion of my power with you if it means keeping my host- Wait, is your life in danger? So soon? We only just met, nya. I was just starting to get really comfortable here too.'
'My life will soon be in danger if I don't have your help. I have a suicidal idiot to knock sense into.'
'Ice brat? I have to say, your ice brat knows his stuff. This cave is pretty comfortable, a lot better than Yugito's. Say hi to him for me, nya.'
She doesn't even know how she managed telepathic communication with her new kitty friend with a love for ending its sentences with 'nyas', but she's glad that she can talk to the cat easily.
She sees it now. The Hokage Tower. She entered it without delay.
With a fiery vengeance, she forcefully kicked open the door which will lead her to the underground holding cells with a loud and audible bang, scaring everyone else away, including the ANBUs she knows who were nearby. No one wants to deal with an enraged jinchuriki on her warpath, especially one that has not yet proved herself capable of restraining or controlling the beast within with her own powers and said beast might come out to play at any time without warning. But she doesn't care about their opinions or their newfound fear of her and her new kitty friend.
She slapped the seal she had demanded from her sensei on the back of her neck as she immediately activated her Fire Release Chakra Mode, the power that she had acquired because that idiot had inspired her to do so. The seal from her sensei will ensure that she won't burn everything on her off. She's not a nudist like Mitarashi Anko and she's definitely not planning to give a free show here.
The fire roared around her and kept her warm as she marched into the frozen hell, which gets progressively colder the lower she goes.
Blue flames sprouted over her form just when she thought that her own fire wasn't enough to keep her warm.
'Thanks, Matatabi.'
'No problem, nya. You are the first to ever thank me.'
'Really? I thought you and Yugito were on good terms.'
'She's polite, yes, but she had the ability to forcefully use my flames for her own use. She never needed to ask for it before and even if she did, she will never say thanks. She was brought up with the thinking that my kind only exists for the sole purpose of benefitting their village. In her eyes, we Tailed Beasts are nothing but tools.'
'That sucks. I promise I will try to be better than her. Sorry, Matatabi, but I will have to cut our conversation right here for now.'
'No problem, Hanabi-chan.'
There he is.
Within the furthermost cell at the lowest level of this underground facility, where everything is covered in frost and coloured in a bright innocent white, a lone frost covered figure huddled against the corner of a wall, knees tucked into his chest, arms around his knees and his head facing down, making himself as small as possible. She would not even have spotted him within all that snow if she didn't have her byakugan on. There's just so much ice and snow filled up here.
The cold retreated and the ice and snow melted from her burning flames as she walked up to him without slowing her steps. She stopped just a foot in front of him before she knelt down to face him.
"Haku. It's me."
For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then his eyes started to slowly open, his hair, clothes, and eyelashes still covered in snow. His entire face and skin are a pale white, a visual effect of his powers blooming at full strength. He is covered entirely in frost.
She is bathed in unholy blue flames. She's lucky that Matatabi is one cooperative cat or she would have been a popsicle by now.
'I heard that, nya. I don't like to be a popsicle too, nya.'
Yup, definitely one friendly and cooperative cat.
He caught her gaze eventually. They stared at each other unblinkingly for a short while in silence.
"Go away, Hanabi." He rasped out before closing his eyes again, going back to his hibernation like sleep to continue to escape reality.
It's the same three words that he always used to shoo her away when she began to bug him to go get a life and do something that isn't training related. Those three words never had any bite to it. But this time, she felt it. That he really meant for her to go away and leave him alone.
And that hurt her.
"Why?"
And that's her only question to him.
Why?
"Why?" He spoke back after a while, eyes still closed. "Why should I bother to try keeping everyone I care about alive? You nearly died, Hanabi. I almost failed."
"But you didn't."
"This time. But what about the next time? Then the one after next? Can I protect you forever? Can I stop you from going out on missions? Can I stop everyone I care about from going on missions because there's a high chance that they might die?"
"We are shinobis, Haku."
"I hate shinobis. The idea of shinobis took everything away from me. The Bloodline Purges took away my parents and my ability to trust others. Konoha took away my freedom and free will. I can't even choose how I want to die. I had thought that I at least had that freedom, only to find that my godfather took that option from me long ago without me even realising it until now. What else do I have left? Nothing. Who took everything away? Shinobis. It's always shinobis that goes around spreading all the pain."
"I'm here, Haku. I told you before, I will never hurt you."
"Yet you hurt me the most."
That made her mind go blank.
"You could have died. You should have died. By all means there was no way you could be alive, but you were so damn lucky that every factor needed to keep you alive were all there. That hurt me. It hurts a lot, because all I did was to take my eyes off you for a short while and the next thing I knew you were dying in the exact same manner my mother did. And I had no idea how to save you. I was helpless, again. Like the time my mother died trying to save me. There's a huge hole in you, Hanabi. I can only watch as you bleed out and yet I can only do nothing but rely on a slug that is only five inches long. You were lucky, that Minato tou-san taught me that one technique I can use to save you. Only three people in Konoha knew how to use that technique properly. Me and my godparents, and I happened to be there to save you. The fact that it was only through sheer pure luck that you survived hurt me. You hurt me, and you said that you will never hurt me. It hurts so damn much that I really don't want to care about anything anymore. You don't need me anymore anyway. You are strong enough to protect yourself since you are now a jinchuriki with the Nibi's power at your disposal. But you know what hurts me more, Hanabi?"
He opened his eyes again.
"That something like that happening again won't be the last. Because I know it won't be the last. Becoming a shinobi had always been your dream. Protecting those I care about is my dream. But everyone I care about are shinobis, and the one and only thing that shinobis know how to do is to throw themselves into danger willingly the moment our village demands that they do so. It's contradictory, how the people I want to protect the most are the ones who hurt me the most, because they willingly forged on ahead into danger for a village I don't give a shit about. And I cannot always be there to protect them. No matter how strong I am, I cannot always be there to protect you. No matter how strong I am, I cannot always pull a miracle out of my ass like I did on you. So if something like that will happen again in the future to everyone that I care about, why am I even trying? I don't even have a purpose in life anymore."
They stared at each other in silence once more. There's nothing she can think of to rebuke his words.
Because it's true.
"So, go away, Hanabi. Don't hurt me anymore. I have enough of getting hurt. I'm sick of getting hurt. I don't even know why I was born. My mind is walking on thin ice as it already is, I don't want the ice to break and crack even further. Leave me alone. Leave the last remnants of my sanity alone. I don't want to see anyone. Just leave me be. Just let me rot and die here in peace. Leave, and don't ever come back."
"Then I will be strong. I will be SS, no, SSS Rank kind of strong. I will be so strong that nobody can kill me. I won't let myself be in that situation again, so that you will not get hurt ever again."
He started to laugh. The same hollow terrifying laugh he had when he had broken down in the Forest of Death.
Even the idea of being a jinchuriki didn't scare her as much as the sound of his laughter right now.
"Strong? That's not the solution here, Hanabi. This world is flawed. As long as the shinobi system continues to exist, there will come a day that someone will and can kill you. It's just a matter of when. Ever heard about the old tale? Tale of the Rabbit Goddess? Ask the immortal cat within you. The Rabbit Goddess was a literal god, and even she was taken down. Even gods can be taken down, Hanabi. So don't tell me that simply by being strong you can stay alive in this fucked up world. Someone with enough motivation and skill will still be able to kill you one day, and I will still get hurt by it. It's just a matter of time."
'Matatabi? About the Rabbit-'
'I don't know how he knew about it, but that tale is true.'
"Go away, Hanabi."
"Do you really think that the shinobi world has to go?"
"Do you even need to ask?"
"Then let's change it. Let's change the world, so that nobody can get hurt anymore."
She knew her words had an effect on him when his determination wavered. She can see it in his eyes.
"If you really think that the shinobi system is so toxic, then let's destroy it. You already have an idea on how it can be done. You told us that in the Forest of Death, you told me and that stupid annoying Sai. You said that to bring about your version of peace is impossible because you would need a lot of power, power that you will not and cannot possibly have to stand against the combined might of all the Hidden Villages. But you don't need to do this alone. You have me. I am now a jinchuriki. I am power, and I will always be your power. Kushina told me that Naruto is one too, and she is the host to the Kyubi. The strongest Tailed Beast. She's your sister, she will definitely support you. Is this enough power to you?"
"You want me to bring about more bloodshed? More hurt? More pain? More conflict? You know better than anyone my version of peace requires me to start another world war. You want me to add on to the cycle of violence and revenge? To make myself susceptible to even more hurt again? Only to try again and to fail again? To let you go and get yourself hurt, which will then hurt me more? What if you go out on a mission only to never return? What will happen to me then? I really don't want to experience that same feeling of helplessness and hopelessness ever again so please, please stop being cruel to me."
"Cruel?" Hanabi tried her best to hold in her anger as she said this. "You want to talk to me about CRUEL? Is this how you want to play this game with me? Really, Yuki Haku? Alright, since we are at it, let's talk about cruel. Brace yourself for a long lesson, Yuki Haku. If you think our dear Iruka-sensei's lessons are long then you are so very wrong. Hanabi-sensei is teaching the class today and today's lesson will be about what. Exactly. Is. Cruel."
She sat down on the floor in a loud thump and used her hands to hold onto the sides of his head, lifting it up. If she doesn't do this, he will never look at her in the eyes.
"Don't avoid my eyes. LOOK at me, Yuki Haku. I SAID eyes up here, Yuki Haku, not on the ugly floor. My eyes are way prettier to look at than the stupid floor and you know it. Yes, that's right. No no no, not down there on the floor, up here. UP, Haku. Look at me. Stop running away like a fucking coward. That's not the Haku I know. The Haku I know is a kind and courageous man, not a coward."
Seeing that he finally has the courage to look at her in the eyes, she continued, trying to ignore the pain in her heart when she saw in his eyes just how lost and tired he is.
"What's today's lesson about again? Right, cruel. You think your actions are not cruel to me? I'm not sure if you even remember, but we swore to be by each other's side no matter what when we first found each other in Kiri. I swore to myself that I will never leave you because you never left me when I was at my most helpless. You never left me, not even once. Even in the hell known as Kiri, you never left me, even if by doing so would make your life so much more easier. You were risking your life for me. I was a fucking liability to you with my stupid byakugan. The purges combined with my byakugan could easily get us all killed and yet you never left me. I survived because of you, because you never left me. We survived. We managed to survive every single fucking thing up until now and we got stronger together because of it. Get over your self-imposed guilt, Haku. Right now, the only thing that will kill you eventually won't be our enemies. Not Kumo, Kiri, or whatever stupid black lightning guy with that stupid ugly butcher knife that we are both going to kill and hang his head on our village's gates the next time we see him. At this rate, the only thing that will eat you from the inside is your freaking guilt. Everything negative you felt since I met you, it all started from the guilt you experienced for being helpless in not being able to save your mother. Your biggest enemy had always been yourself. Let it go. I know it's not easy, I'm not expecting a miraculous recovery, but try to let it go. The past is in the past. Stop hurting yourself. Learn how to face your problems and stop running away. I knew you did it once. I know you can do it again, because you are my Haku."
She jerked his head upwards when she spotted his eyes moving downwards again to avoid hers.
"I knew I almost died this time. But I'm still here, am I? I still managed to return to continue to be by your side. I'm here. See? I'm not dead. I was simply taking a nicccceee long nap to recover so that I can finally return to your side and then when I woke up the FIRST thing I learnt was that you decided to just… die? By suicide? Leaving me alone? When you pulled that stunt did you even think about how I would feel when I woke up and the very first thing I learnt was that you committed suicide? Have you ever thought about how I would feel when I learnt that the most important person to me left me by committing suicide? Have you ever thought about how I would feel if the person whose face I expected to see the first thing I opened my eyes just… left me? Have you ever spared a thought for my feelings, huh? You are the person who had been by my side for eight long years and who I expect to spend at least the next eighty years of my life with. The one who had saved me from a fate worse than death, the one who never hesitates to put himself in harm's way for me whenever he thinks I'm in danger, the one who had supported me through thick and thin, the one who had laughed, cried, joked, fought, and even bled together with me, the person who had defied the village and even death itself just to save me, the man who will do anything for me, who will even burn the world down for me to keep me safe, and this man who I love the most and who love me in return even if he is too stupid to realise that he actually really loves me decided to suddenly just roll over and die? You want to talk about cruel with me, huh? HUH?! Really? I'm the cruel one? Let me tell you, Yuki Haku, THIS. Is. Cruel! You are being cruel to ME! You know just how important you are to ME and you actually pulled that stunt knowing this. I hurt you? I know. I'm sorry. I really, really am sorry for hurting you. But I'm hurt too, Haku. You hurt me too."
She took a breath to calm herself down before she continues, ignoring her tears and his. Today, right here, right now, they will throw every single negative thing out into the air. They both need to get everything out of their system. This is long overdue. She should have done this earlier before he went down the deep end. Haku had never been good at dealing with his emotions, so she will do it for him.
"I'm mad at you, Haku. Mad at you for always forcing yourself into a corner when there is no need to and mad at you for always shutting everyone out. I'm mad at you for always forgetting that there will always be people there for you. I had told you that many, many times before so get it in that dense head of yours or I will knock it in for you, as many times as I need to. You want to die? Fine. Go and die. If you can pull me back from the dead I can jolly well do the same to you. You know me. I can and I will do that because I am your Hyuga Hanabi. Your Hyuga Hanabi who will do anything for her Yuki Haku. There are seven more Tailed Beasts for me to choose from and I will fucking collect them all in a flowerpot if I have to. If you want to die so, damn, much, every single fucking time you die I will pull you back here until you get sick of dying. Don't be selfish, Haku. Your life is not yours alone, just as my life is not mine alone. We established that a long time ago. My life belongs to you too, just as your life is mine. We are all interconnected to each other. I know you tried. You tried and failed and then tried and still failed and then tried and failed again. I know that you had tried your best to not give up. I know, I have been watching you all this while. I know how hard this is for you and there are probably no one else here that can truly understand your pain. I know it is easier said than done. This is still no excuse to give up. This is what makes us human. You stood back up more than once. Even when everything seems hopeless you always stood back up and I admire you for it. You fell this time. It's okay, everyone falls at one point or another. It's okay to trip and fall every now and then because like you said, no one is perfect. We are only mortals. You just have to stand back up once more. I know you can do it again, because you are my Haku. Because my Haku is the kind and courageous man who never gave up no matter how hard his life can be. Because my Haku always stands back up again. If not for himself, then it's for me. That's who my Haku is and I love him so very much for it. Can you do this for me, Haku?"
Haku's gaze returned to the ground.
"I don't know what to do, Hanabi. I only know that I really hate this world. I just want everything to stop hurting."
"Then let's take a step back. What do you want? What do you wish for?"
"A world where I do not need to constantly worry about someone stabbing me in the back within the next minute. A world where I do not need to constantly worry whether my loved ones will return home safely because I know they will, because there's minimal conflict so there would be close to no fighting. A world that is largely at peace. A world where everyone can be as happy as they can be without needing to be a shinobi, to be able to pursue their own dreams without fear or prejudice because they can understand each other. A world with close to no violence. A world where people will not need to hurt others or get hurt unnecessarily. I'm not asking for a perfect world. I know better than anyone else that there's no such thing as a perfect world. I know there will always be hurt and it is what allows us to grow, but I want to keep the unnecessary hurt to a minimum. I know the world I dream of will not be perfect. There's no such thing as perfect, but I know what I visualised is doable. I know better than anyone that such a world is possible because I can actually see it. I know it can be done because we have chakra, the living miracle capable of connecting everyone in this universe. I just don't know how to do it, or what to do. It just seems like such a faraway dream."
"You want to see such a world?"
"Since a long time ago."
"Is that kind of world your dream of peace?"
"It's the closest to true peace that I know of and can realistically see. Not perfect, conflicts are still there, I can still see some violence here and there because humans are stupid and violent creatures, but I know it will be much better than the current state of this world."
"Then I will help you. Your dream of peace will be my dream as well. You won't be alone. There's also Otou-sama, Oji-san, Nee-san, Neji nii-san, Naruto, your godparents, stupid Sai and our annoying sensei. There's also our friends, the Rookie 15. We are all there for you, we all care for you. We are all waiting for you to go back home with us, we are all waiting for our Haku to come back. You won't be alone. We all dream of peace too. We will create a world where no one will get hurt anymore. If we need to start another world war so that the world can no longer hurt us and anyone else ever again, then so be it. Nothing is free in this world, there is always a price to pay if we want peace. If we want it, we have to fight for it. If we have to hurt others one last time so that no one else can get hurt ever again, then so be it. Even if we are doomed to go to hell for this, then so be it. I will go to hell with you. I will always be there for you."
She slowly pulled his head into her chest, hugging him tightly as they both let their tears flow, trying her best to drive away the cold and share with him her warmth. She had always known that he is so broken and fragile because deep down, this kind boy who she loves so much hates hurting others and hates getting hurt even more and yet, he was forced to be a shinobi, the profession that requires him to hurt others and get hurt in return. The fact that he is an extremely capable shinobi with a kill count too high to even start tallying didn't help matters at all. He's constantly lost, and always needing someone to pull him back out. He is constantly hating the state of the world, because he feels that all the answers that he derived in the end to explain why all the bad things happened to him the way it did is because of how the world works. Because of this, he blames the world. He hates this world to the point he wants to see it gone because it really hurts too much for him to continue living in it.
And she can understand why he felt this way. It really hurts, to the point it can drive anyone crazy.
If the world is the reason why everything hurts, then they will change the world. If the world is the reason why peace cannot be achieved, then all they have to do is to create a world for themselves that makes peace attainable. He said that he will burn the world down for her. Then she will change the world for him. He can tear it down, she will rebuild it, just for him.
She will do it all just for him, her Haku. She will do all of this for him because she is his Hanabi.
Together, they can do it.
They can change this twisted and insane world.
'Matatabi?'
'Yes, Hanabi-chan?'
'I need your strength. How do I prove my worth to you?'
'The fastest way? Defeat me, nya.'
That's it? Then it's simple.
'I will.'