What does it mean to be alive? What does it truly mean to live?
Emiya Kiritsugu had long since lost the ability to define what it meant to be alive.
Ever since the day he personally killed his father, he had been lost.
In that moment when he was engulfed by the light of an angel, his mind went blank, and everything he had experienced so far played back in his mind like a revolving lantern.
The meaning of life, human will, and everything he had ever hoped for was emptied in that instant, and his soul felt as though it had finally been freed... Peace... everything he had pursued until now was for the sake of finding true peace.
But when he was resurrected, his soul forcibly summoned back to this world by the miracle called the Holy Grail, he was lost, and in pain.
He didn't even know if he was truly alive or dead.
Looking at the perfectly restored city, the bustling streets, and the endless stream of cars, he was overwhelmed by a sense of despair and loneliness that suffocated him.
The city around him, restored to its former state, felt completely foreign.
Everyone had returned, and the life-or-death struggle of the past seven days now seemed like a dream.
The dead had been resurrected and the broken buildings were as good as new, but only his beloved was gone forever.
"Irisiviel!!!"
Emiya Kiritsugu, this pitiful man, knelt on the side of the road, crying out in despair like a child who had lost something precious.
Having experienced loss once again, he had fallen into complete despair, and all he could do was cry out helplessly.
Kiritsugu's wails echoed through the streets, attracting the attention of nearby residents and passersby. They didn't know who Emiya Kiritsugu was or why he was crying. To them, he was just a disheveled man who seemed mentally unstable. No one dared to approach and ask what was wrong; most coldly ignored him and walked away, while a few kind souls dialed the police.
But this situation didn't last long. Just as he had been revived, Maiya Hisau, who had been searching for Kiritsugu, found him, wailing amidst the crowd.
"Kiritsugu..."
Maiya looked at the man who had once saved her from a hellish situation and was filled with hope to save the world. Now, he was reduced to this state.
Despair, sadness, powerlessness... these emotions filled her heart as she watched the man kneel and cry after everything was over.
"I'm sorry, Kiritsugu."
"If I had been more useful, if I could have helped you more, this wouldn't have happened. I'm sorry... Kiritsugu, let me take you away from here."
Tears welled up in Maiya's eyes as she knelt down and wrapped her arms around Kiritsugu's neck, resting his head on her shoulder in an attempt to give him the last bit of warmth she could offer.
Though she knew it was futile.
Then, using her slender arms, Maiya supported Kiritsugu and slowly led him away from the crowd. Passersby watched the pair, some offering to help, but Maiya declined them all. In this way, before the police arrived, she led the now hopeless Kiritsugu away.
Until...
A figure appeared before them.
As the sun set, the shadow elongated with the sunlight, and a tall figure extended a hand to greet them.
"Who are you?"
"Yo, long time no see, Hero of Justice and his trusty assistant."
The figure waved at them from a distance.
"In such a hurry to leave, aren't you going to properly thank your savior?"
"Savior? Are you the one who revived everyone?"
Maiya was momentarily stunned by Roy's words.
"Correct, but there's no reward for guessing. It was I, the one who cleaned up your mess and made the wish to revive everyone."
"In order to clean up the mess you left behind, I suffered terribly. The pain was horrifying; I even watched as my own body was slowly torn apart by magical energy, starting from my brain."
Roy smiled and pointed to his forehead, mocking Kiritsugu without hesitation.
"But what happened to you, Kiritsugu? As a Hero of Justice, why have you suddenly sunk into despair? Didn't you successfully make your wish?"
"Is this broken appearance because you witnessed the shattering of your dreams? Or are you repenting for the wrongs you've committed? After all, this time you were the biggest accomplice in pushing humanity to the brink of extinction. The whole of Fuyuki City... no, the entire world... was turned upside down because of you."
"Shut the fuck up!"
Seeing Roy continue to provoke Kiritsugu, Maiya hurriedly interrupted him.
"Shh, quiet, accomplice. I'm here to speak with this Hero of Justice. You have no place here."
"You..."
"Wait, Maiya, let him continue. I have some questions to ask him."
"Kiritsugu... alright."
Watching as Kiritsugu slowly stood with Maiya's support, Roy smiled.
"So, Hero of Justice, are you finally ready to have a proper conversation?"
Seeing the near-broken state of Kiritsugu didn't surprise Roy.
For someone like Kiritsugu, the greatest punishment was forcing him to witness everything he had worked for crumble before his eyes, denying the meaning of his existence, and tormenting him both mentally and physically.
Yet, even after seeing Kiritsugu like this, Roy didn't feel the satisfaction he had expected. Instead, a faint sense of indifference and pity arose in his heart.
"How pitiful."
That was his most straightforward feeling.
Since his resurrection, to eliminate those revived by the Holy Grail's power, he first rushes to the Matou family and deals with the old worm, then finds that murderer Ryuunosuke Uryuu, broke his limbs, and left him at the police station's doorstep.
He could say that everyone who needed to be dealt with was systematically eliminated by him. Now, the only one left was Emiya Kiritsugu, the person who had suffered the most from this Holy Grail War.
And now, Kiritsugu was clearly receiving the punishment he deserved, having fallen to the brink of a mental breakdown.
"You are the last victor... Did you wish for the resurrection of everyone?"
Looking at the person before him, Emiya Kiritsugu spoke with difficulty.
"That's right, my wish was to resurrect everyone."
"Then..."
Already guessing what Kiritsugu wanted to ask, he shook his head.
"Don't kid yourself, Emiya Kiritsugu. I know what you're thinking."
"The scope of 'everyone' only includes humans. At that time, Irisviel had completely become the vessel of the Grail, so she no longer counted as human, which means she's truly dead."
Upon hearing this, Roy sneered. "And the one who forced her to fully become the Holy Grail, abandoning her human identity... why don't you take a guess who that was? How about it?"
Emiya Kiritsugu's eyes widened, his hands and voice trembling uncontrollably.
With Roy's words, the last shred of hope or possibility in Kiritsugu's heart was utterly shattered.
"It... it was... me. I killed Iris... I am the murderer."
"How does it feel, Emiya Kiritsugu, to once again push someone you loved into the abyss? This time, your actions have caused an irreparable regret, one even the miracle of the Grail cannot save. Are you still clinging to your delusion of 'salvation for humanity'?"
Kiritsugu's eyes narrowed, and he instinctively clenched his fists.
After hearing the answer, his mindset was dealt another heavy blow.
Salvation for humanity?
Again and again, losing those he loved, weighing them on the scales as sacrifices.
Using their deaths to save humanity.
Save, then kill. Kill, then save. Over and over. In the end, he no longer even knew what he was doing.
Humanity... just a series of numbers in his eyes.
Could this really be called saving humanity?
What have I been doing all this time? What kept me going until now was the light quietly illuminating my path.
And now, that last light, the only light, had been extinguished by his own hand.
"What... am I doing?! Aaaaahhhh!!!"
He clutched his head, digging his nails deep into his scalp, wailing like a child in anguish, crying out from the depths of his soul.
At that moment, after losing the ones he loved again and again, he finally understood everything. But now, it was too late.
"It seems you've finally figured it out, Emiya Kiritsugu." Roy sighed as he walked towards the dejected man kneeling on the ground.
"Too bad it's too late."
"It's like the trolley problem. There's a train speeding down the tracks, and it's difficult to stop it in time. There's a fork ahead, with one person tied to the left track and five people tied to the right. As the decision-maker, you can only change the track once. Which side would you let live?"
"If it were you, you'd undoubtedly choose the side with the majority, right? Sacrificing the few to save the many has been your choice all along, hasn't it? But... Emiya Kiritsugu, what do you think life is? A bargaining chip? Something measurable?"
Kiritsugu looked up at Roy in disbelief, but he couldn't refute him, because he knew that if faced with such a situation, he would indeed make that choice.
But... if he didn't make that choice, then what?
Sacrificing the many to save the few... wouldn't that be even more wrong?
So what is the right answer? Besides sacrificing the few to save the many, what better solution is there? What should I do to be truly right?
"Idiot. Even now, you still don't get it? You put life on a scale, seeking balance, but how can there be balance when one hand is pressing down on it?"
"Then... what is the correct choice?"
"So, your brain really can't grasp it, huh?"
Roy spread his hands and said casually, "Then just don't make a choice at all."
"If you were the trolley driver, you wouldn't need to worry about whether to change tracks or not... just focus on braking and doing your job. If you're the decision-maker, you don't need to choose either; just go with the flow and follow fate, because you have no right to take anyone's life."
"If the result turns out bad, then so be it. After all, you weren't the one who put them on the tracks in the first place. As long as your choice is right, that's what matters."
"The so-called trolley problem is a complete joke. While it may sound cowardly and like avoiding the issue, I have no intention of weighing the value of two lives. I'd rather fight until the end than decide how many live or die. Do you understand?"
"Rather fight until the end... than weigh the value of life..."
Emiya Kiritsugu was stunned, murmuring the reasoning Roy had just shared.
"But... is that the right answer? Do the survivors really find redemption? Even though they bear the burden of the others' lives."
"Who knows?"
Roy smiled faintly and continued, "I'm just a person, not a god. I have no authority to decide who gets redemption or who must be redeemed. Just make your own choice, and as long as the path you walk leaves no regrets, there's no need to feel guilty towards anyone."
"Alright, I've said everything I needed to. There's no point in continuing this conversation while you're in such a pitiful state. I should get to work now."
Looking at the now-confused Emiya Kiritsugu, Roy knew there was no need to continue the discussion.
Everything that needed to be said had been said.
Though he sympathized with Emiya Kiritsugu, a tragic figure, that sympathy only went so far. He wasn't kind enough to forgive him without a second thought.
He had no right to forgive the lives lost because of Emiya Kiritsugu, and avenging wrongs was one of Roy's most important principles.
With that, he raised his hand, preparing to take something from Emiya Kiritsugu.
"What are you going to do to Kiritsugu?"
Seeing Roy raise his hand with the intent to harm Kiritsugu, Maiya Hisau, disregarding the disparity in power, suddenly pulled out a dagger and aimed it at his neck.
It was clear she had been on guard from the start, ready to act at any moment.
But she was too slow. Such an attack was child's play in Roy's eyes now.
"Come on, I've already told you I'm here for Emiya Kiritsugu, Miss Maiya. Why do something like this?"
"Stop joking! I would never... ugh!"
The moment she opened her mouth, even before she could finish her sentence, her body had already disappeared.
A sharp, surprised scream echoed as she was sent flying.
As if struck by a speeding truck, she was flung towards a clothing store behind them, crashing into a wall and losing consciousness instantly.
"Maiya!!!"
Seeing his assistant knocked out in an instant, even the downcast Emiya Kiritsugu couldn't help but scream.
She was one of the few people left in the world he still cared about. He couldn't afford to lose her as well.
"Kill me! Please, just kill me! Don't hurt Maiya anymore. All of this is my fault; it has nothing to do with anyone else. Please, stop..."
Emiya Kiritsugu begged Roy, the man who had lost everything choking on his own tears, hoping to exchange his life for Maiya's safety.
Though this scene made Roy feel like a villain from a movie, he knew that Kiritsugu had caused the trouble in the first place. He was merely here to settle the score.
But, as Kiritsugu had pleaded, Roy had no intention of involving too many people.
Although Maiya Hisau was Kiritsugu's capable assistant, she was just a tool, one that followed his orders without question. Their grudge was not something for a mere tool to bear.
"I didn't kill her. I only used enough force to knock her out, though a few broken bones are unavoidable. From the beginning, the only person I came to settle accounts with was you. I won't drag anyone else into this."
With that, Roy grabbed Emiya Kiritsugu by the collar and lifted him.
"Does that make you feel a bit better, Emiya Kiritsugu?"
"Thank you..." He murmured, lowering his head.
"Don't thank me. This is just settling a score. And I won't kill you either, because death would be a form of redemption for you right now, and I'm not that kind."
"You have to carry those sins and keep crawling through life. Now, I'm going to take something from you. Grit your teeth and endure it."
As soon as he finished speaking...
*Slash*
A blood-red petal bloomed in mid-air.
A ball of golden light was ripped from Kiritsugu's chest.
----
If you're interested in reading more, feel free to visit my pa treon :
https://www.pa treon. com/XElenea