2018
AIESEC
I am not someone who is easy to understand
I do not understand me as no one has ever succeeded in understanding me, so it is advisable for me to begin my words by clarifying that this point is one of the non-negotiable points in my life
I was always a disappointment
Like an ugly crow emerging from an egg that those around it expected to be those of a wonderful parrot.
Like a dagger stab from someone you thought what he was hiding behind his back was a bouquet of colorful flowers.
I am like a disgusting burn mark on the face of a handsome person, whose owner is trying to hide the meanness of his presence by any means possible.
But it always ends in failure
This is how I am to everyone who fate wants to associate with me in any way. I deserve to be hidden and avoided in the eyes of each of them.
Not since childhood have I acted like any of the kids my age
I have no room for their interests and I am not good at playing their games. I act as if someone has been completely mad, which requires whoever is supposed to be my mother to resort to complaining about my sorry state to everyone in order to elicit their sympathy.
Thus, crazy news spread to everyone, and the news quickly spread to children my age
This succeeded in alienating me from everyone
At least enough so that I won't be able to return to their way of life
When I passed my twelfth year, I became more and more strange and crazy
My behavior became increasingly strange, and I committed a sufficient number of shameful acts in their view until I reached the age of eighteen
When I passed my twelfth year, I became more and more strange and crazy
My behavior became increasingly strange, and I committed a sufficient number of shameful acts in their view
They quickly sent me away, to a certain spot on Earth where things couldn't be more messy and messy.
During my time on the plane, I was the only one who knew why they sent me to such a remote place.
While my distant travel did not arouse the suspicions of any of the residents of my city because of my poor academic standard, which led to my failure to find any university willing to accept my studies within my country
This city was the most ideal option to get rid of my existence
And by getting rid of me, I don't mean something nice like letting me live here in peace.
This is not possible after all the horrific actions I have committed in their opinion.
What I mean by getting rid of is the most brutal meaning of the matter, and fortunately for me, I found out early enough to devise a proper survival plan for several months.
Nothing they did really surprised me
Even if I pretended to myself that it was strange to me
Deep inside me, I knew that my value was no more than being a 'stain' in each of their lives.
.....
Since the last time I remember my story, there has been the most bizarre item on the long list of things contributing to the ruination of my life.
Perhaps the most important points mentioned on the entire list
Since I am ignorant of the correct name for this thing, I call it 'memories'.
It's a nice nickname for Laya compared to what these 'memories' have caused in my life.
When you hear a title like this, nothing will come to your mind apart from remembering parts of my life, whether distant or recent.
But it's completely different from whatever you think about it, something much more terrible and terrifying than that.
What I remember are not clips from my life, but rather they do not even belong to this world of ours
Places and people I'd never heard of before
All the small details of cities and castles, I have never seen anything similar to them in my life
I can almost inhale the scent of a room that my memories say is mine because I recognize it so much
The touch of the luxurious fabrics of my clothes, and all the places, streets and palaces
It seems very familiar to me, closer to me than this is my home
When I was younger, I used to talk about those memories a lot.
I told many people about the names of places I wanted to visit again
But the truth is that it never existed on our planet
Perhaps this was the most important reason for my confidence with those around me that some terrible disorder had struck my mind.
It is worth mentioning that I should talk about another reason for my confidence
This is what is usually called depression
Depression was a loyal friend whose presence you would never want, clinging to me like a spear stuck in the chest of a weak warrior. The warrior could not pluck it, knowing that the only state in which the spear could be outside his body was Dead
No matter how much you snatch him from me, he comes back clinging, like someone who recited to himself a promise to reject the idea of leaving, no matter what happens.
His refusal to leave me necessarily meant that I became accustomed to him, thus representing how man was prepared to receive torment with his entire being, carrying within him the monster of habituation from birth, disguised as the generous helper, but I revealed a tin He hated him, and this is probably why I hate him, despite his claim to support people like me.
What we need is not habituation but solidity, but unfortunately we were not born with this other person because she only comes to visit sometimes.
To be more specific, the latter got tired of me, so she stopped her visits, causing me to resort to faking her presence with the help of fear and doubt, which in turn work to disguise herself in front of everyone for my sake sometimes.
What a shame that I was never good at any of the games, and this necessarily means that I am not good at cosplaying either because I am unable to stop myself from immediately discovering the identity of the cosplayer.
But for some reason, habit combined with rigidity and suspicion, making me carry a feeling of habit towards the other two's disguises, until I was no longer able to live without the presence of these two disguised in their usual garb.
And here I am, faking those feelings again after all that time.
I put on a wide, dark night-colored shirt and tucked as much of my head into the hood as possible in a failed attempt on my part to hide my charcoal-colored locks, making sure to use those locks to hide what I hate most.
My eyes
The ugliest mirror a person can have is for his soul, like a black hole. The darkness of the iris cannot be distinguished from the blackness of the pupil.
Rather, it is as if I only had pupils at all
This mirror must reflect enough of my soul, or rather my entire life.
Shamelessly demonstrating the misery of the world with my presence
I raised the cloth mask so that it covered most of the features of the lower part of my face.
I look at the mirror stained with a strange liquid that the cleaner did not bother to remove. I see an object covered in blackness. My eyes do not appear despite my ability to look through the strands of my hair because I am accustomed to hiding the ugliness of my sense of sight with them.
The thought of my hair showing through the hood bothers me, so I try to pull the hood forward, but fail to cover it enough, as usual.
I tie my shoelaces with a strong knot because I am confident that I am not in the mood to tie them again later
I hold the white clothes that are the opposite color to what I am wearing in my hands to hand them to the nurse who is waiting wearily near the bathroom door.
If there is anything I particularly detest in this place, it is this color of clothing
It seems to me more like a method of torture than a reason for psychological comfort
"Take one pill only if necessary."
He handed me a package full of medicine. I understand its purpose well, but I'm not sure if I'm willing to take any of what they're giving me here anymore since they've sorely failed to treat any of what's been wrong with me over the past months.
I can understand the unhappiness on the nurse's face, he probably understands that his work in a place like this will not lead to helping any patient if they continue at this pace.
"Good luck after you leave the hospital."
He said the routine phrase before handing me my bag, which was the same color as everything I was wearing, then he accompanied me outside while I checked the safety of each of the contents of my bag.
The first of which is the money carefully hidden inside the inner layer of the bag's fabric. I sewed it myself to make it look natural after I hid the money between the layers of its fabric.
I noticed that his steps had stopped after we had been walking for a while, so I looked away from the bag and looked in front of me.
What I saw was the outer door of the sanitarium, which I had not crossed for months.
There was chaos in my feelings as I stood behind the door, not paying attention to the nurse's farewell word.
I have no ability to properly separate my feelings at a moment like this, nor do I know which one is correct in my case.
I looked at the phone screen for the first time in a long time, and today's date was the first thing I checked
June sixteenth
It's my birthday
Which means that a full year has passed since I was in the clinic for the first time
I was the one who planned to stay here
When I arrived in this city, I knew that the remaining minutes of my life could be numbered
In a city like this, no one would notice my disappearance, even if it happened in the most chaotic way in the world.
Nor did I leave anyone willing to miss my presence in my hometown
So I looked for another solution
At that time the sanatorium had just opened, and for administrative purposes they needed someone to stay inside for a while, and since the place was very unreliable I was their golden card, and they were mine.
I think the part about my survival went well, unlike the part about the clinic's success in treating me.
He failed miserably
I believe in the success of psychiatry in helping people
But we cannot give the name 'psychiatrists' to those I saw inside this hospital
All they can do is lock you in a white room and inject you with sedatives
This, of course, is not anything close to any of the concepts of psychotherapy
Quite predictably, none of their therapeutic efforts seemed to help judging by my condition now
It's not like I expected anything better from this city. It's a miracle that a sanatorium exists at all.
As if the health system is the only thing unfit for your use here.
But I did not expect that treatments for psychosis would not stop those memories that are hallucinations and nothing more. Of course, the fact that these memories do not go away does not indicate anything except that the medications have failed here as well.
Which sucks, because those memories are a real headache for me.
My agreement to be confined between four walls with restrictions can be considered a complete contradiction to my sublime love of freedom.
My only answer to that is that there is a wide space between loving something and believing in its existence.
When I said that I love freedom, this does not mean that I believe in its existence at all.
On the contrary, you should never know anything not nice about me.
I always fall in love with fairy tales
And freedom is a fairy tale too, at least just for me.
Far from all that
Looking at today's date, I have turned nineteen years old
What is that supposed to mean in the first place?
I don't even know about this
I walk slowly while checking my location on the phone
I practically could not have found my way, even in my wildest dreams, without the help of a phone.
'What's the next step? '
The question echoed in my head, causing me to search through my memories for the answer in some way.
I have a contract to stay in an apartment for six years or so
And after checking the note you made a year ago as a reminder, I know that this apartment is shared with five people.
It looks like my dear family is seriously planning to kill me while I'm here.
Other than that, no one would have agreed to put me in an apartment with three girls, even in my dreams.
Just looking around I can see how expensive houses and apartments can't be here.
These buildings are inevitably about to collapse
This must be what made them pay for that apartment, it will take suspicion off them after I kill me in case someone tries to investigate them.
They even enrolled me in a university, it's a good thing they put the money I'm supposed to pay for the first year with me
Nothing deserves a better word than miserable in this place, from what I hear.
There are dangerous gangs that trade in contraband or even human organs. Everyone in this city is considered a danger in and of itself.
The health and education system, in general, is beyond terrible
But all of this is no shock to me
Maybe I've got immunity to shocks
But the important point between all of this
How on earth will I be able to deal with five roommates?!!
Regardless of the fact that I belong to that type of living beings that are ready to flee as soon as they see any other being, I would rather remain alone all the days of my life.
I only know the basics of the language spoken here
Because I have a useless hobby like learning languages, I often know some random words and a few sentences.
The thing is, my understanding of fundamentals is nothing like what you might normally hear
By basics I mean that I can't read or write in this language, but I can have normal conversations as long as they don't contain too complicated words.
On second thought, this is not the worst that could happen. Things can go well with this language issue if I put double the effort into learning the language over the next month.
I find it ridiculous that I would be so concerned about something as ridiculous as my ability to handle a group of roommates.
While I should be more concerned about my mental health
Speaking of how healthy my mind is, when was the last time I went beyond my limits?
I know one way to check this
I lift up the sleeve of my shirt to show my forearms, and as I expected, there are reddish marks that contrast with the pale color of my skin.
Judging by how dark the color is, it's safe to say they are from several days ago, some of which are bluish as well.
I am often deterred every time I try to harm myself in the clinic, and this is often what creates a large discrepancy between the periods in which I do it.
But now that I'm out of the hospital, there's nothing to stop me
In general, this is not what I should be worried about now
And if you want to ask why
I would answer, 'Simply because I have something worse than a few bruises to worry about.'
And now you're seriously wondering 'Like what?'
And his answer will be 'the memories that my mind creates because of my madness'
Most likely, if someone heard me say this, they would assume that I was just exaggerating these memories
But you cannot imagine how terrifying it is to wake up terrified after having the same terrifying nightmare again.
The situation repeats itself from time to time
Everything seems real inside that nightmare
I carry one corpse after another in my hands, then I return to kneel near the last corpse.
A horror of sorrow in my heart, and waterfalls of tears flow down my cheeks.
I later wake up with a sweaty body and a pounding heart
I know it's just a recurring nightmare, but part of me can't accept that fact.
It didn't just end with nightmares, it continued to take over my dreams and memories.
What I never had in a nightmare or in my dreams is there in my memory with perfect clarity.
It's as if I actually lived it all
But I didn't
I do not have wings, and it is not possible for a human being to be able to fly.
But how did I create all of that? How could I keep the feeling of flying in the sky preserved inside my head even though my weak body had never experienced anything like this before?
All those details, events, people
They're all fake, they're nothing but hallucinations from my miserable mind to kill my boredom.
So I can't miss them, my friends, my twin, my home, my country, because they are the creation of my imagination.
All of them
And more than all of those things...I have to stop missing him...
No matter how much my memories revolve around him, no matter how many of his finest characteristics come to my mind.
I will not allow myself to miss him
I will never fall in love with a fairy tale like this, not when I have wings in it, not when I have that family and the homeland.
Not when I own it
But I can't push them all out of my head
No matter how much I bury those memories, they come back out of their grave
They follow me even if I cut off their legs
I drown her and find that she is good at diving
Then I throw it from a height.....and it flies
I tear it apart so it can be put together again
No matter how much I pull it away, it comes back to surround me, trying to convince me of its validity.
But it can't be like that
I'm nothing but a deranged person and I know this is a figment of my imagination.
And just thinking that it's real for a moment brings terror to my entire being.
Because this means that this recurring nightmare was actually real
It is impossible for me to accept no matter what happens
So I will rebury her every time she comes out of the dirt, even if she becomes stronger and more powerful.
I stop myself from looking at the sky with longing to deny the idea of my longing to fly.
I keep the image of his eyes out of my head, no matter what the cost, every time it appears.
I've never seen any of that
None of this is more than a fantasy intended to lead me to a worse place than the one I am currently in.
This is something I definitely do not want to fall into
So I'm going to stop giving myself headaches and return my focus to the present.
And by mentioning that....
Where am I exactly?
I looked around checking the place
The sides of the street are laden with rubbish, and the walls of the crumbling houses are about to collapse.
I picked up my phone to check my location on it, after noticing my ignorance of my whereabouts
I gasped in shock when I discovered how far I was from the hospital.
I walked in the wrong direction over thirty minutes ago
My thoughts pulled me so deep that I didn't check my location for all that time.
Impressive Isaac, what a legend, next time you should keep walking until you reach the border before you notice what you were doing
By thinking about it
Why am I in such a hurry to get locked back inside another house?
There are two hours left until sunset
I feel exhausted, and I haven't seen the outside world in over a year.
Never since I was born have I been free to roam around as I please.
So for now, screw the apartment and how dangerous this city is
I'm going to go find somewhere to get a hot drink even though it's quite hot out here.
It took several minutes for me to be sitting on a plastic chair near a table that brought me many doubts about its cleanliness, with a cup containing a brown drink that smelled nice.
I took out a regular pen with black ink. It required me to hit it on the table several times for it to start working.
I shook it a little while thinking about what to draw on the napkin and then I started drawing
I draw several lines with concentration, as if I have a specific plan for what I'm doing, putting the reality of how random what I'm drawing is out of my mind.
I was about to finish when an almost fleeting memory ran through my head
High walls extending over a wide distance to surround dozens of seats and tables, thousands of small-sized paintings working to ensure that every inch of the wall is covered sufficiently so that there is no empty space left to show the white paint mixed with brown.
In front of me is a white painted wooden table dominated by small inscriptions that represent a story if I put them together.
The warm-colored cup of hot chocolate is somewhat far from my seated end of the table, and in its place is a paper napkin that turns into nothing but a painting due to the ink bottle and the quill stationed near it.
Although this memory passed very quickly, it is like many other strange memories of mine that quickly become ingrained in my head with all its details.
Distinguishing that this memory does not belong to my normal memories does not require effort.
I've been living in the same city all my life, and I've never owned a phone before now.
Where could I have seen a place like this then?
The answer is very simple. I have never seen this place. It is one of my hallucinations
❁ ════ ❃• . •❃ ════ ❁
Hi everyone, my name is lana and I'm the author of this novel
Thanks for reading the chapter until the end and
See you soon♡