Lately, I've found myself in a situation that's become increasingly difficult to navigate. It seems as though I've been inadvertently pushing Natasha away, and I can't help but reflect on what this really means. Deep down, I want her to understand my feelings—that I truly don't feel worthy of her company. It's a haunting thought that resonates with me; the idea that I am somehow undeserving of the warmth and affection she offers.
Loving myself feels like an uphill battle, an arduous journey that I often feel ill-equipped to undertake. The weight of my own insecurities and self-doubt is overwhelming, prompting this desire to hide the truth from her. I want to protect Natasha from the shadows and demons that linger within me, ones that I'm desperately trying to keep at bay. The reality is that I'm not the person she believes I am, and that realization fills me with a sense of dread.
In an attempt to cope with these conflicting emotions, I find myself trying to switch off my mind. I tell myself that I'm doing just fine, but inside, it feels like I'm crumbling. As I go through the motions, I repeat these affirmations almost like a mantra while I struggle to breathe amidst the turmoil. To the outside world, I put on a façade, faking a smile that hardly reaches my eyes.
Despite my efforts to mask how I'm really feeling, I know deep down that she sees through my act. Natasha knows me too well; she can sense the slightest shift in my demeanor. It's as if she can feel the unspoken truths that I'm trying so hard to conceal. My heart aches with the realization that I'm not being honest with her, and that reality adds another layer of complexity to our relationship. It's a painful cycle, one that leaves me feeling trapped between wanting to be close to her and fearing that I'm not worthy of her love.