The world fell out of joint; I was hallucinating. Everything happened in an instant as if I had just been born yesterday.
Memories from the past surged through my brain, violent and chaotic. Regrets and guilt turned more bitter as each second passed by, leaving a bad taste.
I lay there, unable to move my body, much less my emotions and my thoughts that were awry.
I was incapacitated, helpless, and covered in my own blood. I couldn't even turn my head.
My gaze was fixed on the long road ahead, while an incomprehensible chatter echoed around me, slowly siphoning away my consciousness. I was dying.
With broken ribs and shattered legs, I felt every ounce of pain scream through my body--- nerves and veins popping out, trying to let out the impact it had strenuously taken. But the night's cold breeze wrapped around me, numbing my state, as if I was stone-cold. Ironic.
The moonlight cast a strange ambiance over this bloody scene, somehow imbuing it with a deeper and more mysterious story behind it--- at least it looked that way.
I was a nobody.
There was nothing worth knowing about me, yet I had so much to cry out to the world.
19 years of age, a sophomore. I was a young lad trying to find my path in university, no directions to follow through.
I was on my own. I felt utterly alone. I endured so many hardships with a bleeding heart and mind; calling it "not easy" would be an understatement. Anyone else would have given up and collapsed at this point, but I hadn't. My stubborn persistence had led me here, proudly standing with my attainments, while uncertain of what lay ahead in the future.
I had no clear goals. It felt like I was merely trying to survive. Until now, I still have visions of what and where I want to be and become. But all of those didn't come with the usual enthusiastic attitude. Not anymore.
It was around 2020, that a world pandemic occurred and contaminated the world. Many lives were lost. A lot of people were left out and had nearly no jobs to land. It was total catastrophe, and during this upheaval, I fell out of school. I lost the scholarship I had poured my heart, tears, and sweat into--- the only support I had to continue my academics. I fell into despair.
It was a nightmare. A nightmare I wished I could have woken up. The disappointment was so massive I couldn't get up. It felt like a sleep paralysis, the horrors dragging you deeper into an abyss of dread.
I was naive, foolish, laughable, stupid--- just as they said, and the list went on. My efforts were futile. I was a huge failure.
Everything began when you started chasing your dreams. You have all these images and scenarios dancing inside your head, your fantasies, filling you with joy. It puts a smile on your face; a genuine feeling.
The innocence I once had--- I missed it. A paradise now long gone. It was like that back then to me, and then all turned black and white.
I started chasing the wrong things. What was once dreams turned into twisted expectations and standards. I don't know what point in my life it started, but along the way, I sure had been walking on a narrow and thorny path. My opinions and desires did not matter as a result. I was always following a script; no other alternative choices. It was a slow suffocation.
Eventually, I had enough. I grew weary of the nonsense. Time and again, I showed aggressive resistance, though it was hardly a sight to behold--- at least for them.
They were mad. Disappointed. They began clicking their tongue at the mere sight of me, even just upon seeing my shadow in corners. As a result, conflict erupted; everyone's blood was boiling, and tension simmered beneath our shared roof. Disharmony circled us--- which in fact, there was no true harmony to begin with. It was all a facade hiding their selfish and rotten personality. I realized and understood their true nature, and it was toxic as an acid corroding everything it touched. It was unbearable.
Just 10 minutes ago, I had a huge argument. Emotions that were held back and piled up showed no signs of restraints. Adrenaline ran throughout my veins as I was bottled up with these years of long-time frustrations while also being nervous at the same time. It wasn't a pleasant feeling talking back, but rather I was at least standing up for myself. I could feel my heart and brain likely to explode anytime with how it loudly pulsed, anxiety and blood pressure level rose to its peak.
Releasing all of these pain towards them, I thought I still had a chance to make things right--- to maybe get something out of something. I hoped for understanding, for reconciliation--- but no. It didn't reach them.
Nothing could. Nothing would. I knew.
They kicked me out of the house afterward, leaving me with nothing. No money, no belongings. Not even a smile inside my pocket to wear. It was all tears staining my cheeks, my face painted in grief.
Following my exit, I took a walk along the road under the chilly night. It was peaceful and quiet, and my head and chest were as loud as ever, raging to its content.
I couldn't apprehend the results. This wasn't how I wanted it to end. Everything fell apart.
I have nothing with me, much more a place to go. I was just wandering around aimlessly. Somewhere, somewhat, something--- anything I could still do with my life. I believed in my fate, yet suddenly, that fate came to me sooner with an unexpected change of course.
Lights shone over me as if the heavens appeared, blinding and bright, and in an instant, my face was already kissing the pavement, knocked out cold and blood oozing out all over my head and body. Heavenly express arrived without notice.
"Kuh...." I let out a gurgling sound, my voice cracked.
The world in my image started crumbling, it was now dust and blurry edges, I was getting short of breath. Surprisingly, I didn't feel anything as I was at death's door.
"So this is what dying feels like" I whispered inside my head, mustering all the little focus I had in me.
After everything I had been through, maybe there was nothing left inside my heart anymore, despite that flicker of hope.
I had become detached from the world.
Then an unsettling anxiety gnawed at me— what awaited when I finally closed my eyes? But it didn't matter anymore. I didn't care. This would be my grave.
Thinking about it, dying now didn't seem so bad. At least I could finally rest myself from the suffering. Yet, if there are such things that I have regretted not doing, looming large in my chest, then I could have spoiled myself more: playing video games, going out with my friends a lot, petting my cat one last time.
"I.. wish.. I.. could.. have ... died.. hap... py----" I drew my last breath, the fire in my eyes fading into darkness.
I died.
*****
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"-------------------"
" ########?"
" Child ############## me?"
" Child? Are ####################?
#######."
"##############. #################, #####, child."
I could not feel anything on me. It was all a pit of void surrounding my very place, yet I could hear a voice I have never heard and was not familiar with. It gently echoed inside my mind, its ringing growing as if it was trying to reach out.
It gave me a warm feeling.
I was attracted to it.